The Montserrat Resurgence
by Lisatronic3000
Summary: Amy struggles to accept her sexless relationship with Sheldon, but her resolve is tested by a mysterious and charming man from her past. Will Amy allow her desire to override her reason? Will Sheldon stand for it? And how far is the genius willing to go to hold on to his vixen? Rated "M" for language and adult themes. S/A, L/P, and H/B pairings. Long live the Shamy!
1. Quarterly Amendment

_**Disclaimers: The Big Bang Theory and its characters were created by Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady. I do not own, nor do I profit from TBBT or its characters. My first humble attempt with TBBT fan fiction is meant for entertainment purposes only. I do not own the various the other games, movies or TV shows I will reference throughout my story.**_

_**Warnings and Full Disclosure: This has not been beta read, so please forgive any errors/typos on my part. I will also try my hardest to keep our beloved Shamy as true to their characters as possible. However, in this story Amy and Sheldon will discover a new sexy side to the Shamy so some artistic license will be taken.**_

_**I have rated as "M" because there will be stronger language and adult themes in later chapters. If this is not your cup of tea or if such themes offend you, then you shouldn't read this.**_

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><p><strong>The Montserrat Resurgence – a Shamy story<strong>

_"Change is the essential process of all existence." -Spock_

In the recent quarterly amendment for the relationship agreement drawn up entirely by Sheldon, he had added a new stipulation that twice a month the boyfriend and the girlfriend will enjoy a "private at home movie night" in their respective apartments. During the first half of the month, the movie choice would be Amy's but they would watch it in Sheldon's apartment. During the second half the month, it would be Sheldon's pick for the movie to be viewed in Amy's apartment.

It was to Sheldon, a perfectly logical arrangement.

Amy was indeed delighted with the addition, but she still felt it to be a bit stringent. Sheldon insisted that this was not his way, but rather the right way. She looked up into his face and was ready to calmly argue her points when she suddenly stopped herself. He was beaming at her with genuine eagerness while bouncing on his toes. Apparently, he was very pleased with himself for this latest amendment. Amy couldn't help but smile back. She quickly understood that this was Sheldon trying to be a good boyfriend in the only way he knew how.

The neurobiologist consistently had to remind herself that her physicist was not like other men, so attempting to reason with him like one would be a futile effort on her part. This is progress, she told herself. And if there was one thing Amy believed that love and science had in common, it was that even slow progression was still progression.

Sheldon deftly pulled out his notary stamp from his canvas messenger bag with a self-satisfied grin. Amy sighed while plucking a pen from Sheldon's desk. "One of these days I really will hire that attorney." She muttered under her breath while scribbling her initials to the amendment—in triplicate.

_AFF_

_AFF_

_AFF_

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><p>"La Femme Nikita?" Sheldon grimaced while examining the DVD cover. Amy was in Sheldon's kitchen, emptying a freshly popped bag of hot popcorn into a large red bowl. "Give it a try Sheldon; I think you'll enjoy it."<p>

Sheldon didn't look convinced "… but it's in French."

Amy nodded with understanding "Yes, but there are subtitles." She walked over to him and he eagerly traded the DVD cover for the red bowl and immediately began snacking away. Amy grinned at his boyish enthusiasm while she sat down next to him and his spot.

"Leonard informed me when he saw the American version with Bridget Fonda that he was not impressed. Not that I put much stock into Leonard's movie reviews … or his experiential research." Sheldon said with a bit of a grumble.

Amy braced herself. She suspected he would give her a little push back with her movie choice. "Sheldon, trust me, the original French version is much better. Nikita was once a homeless drug addict and almost became a convicted felon, but instead of going to jail, she is given a second chance. She's given a new identity and trained as a top secret spy and assassin … in Paris! Come on, even you have to admit that sounds pretty darn exciting." She reached over to the bowl on Sheldon's lap and grabbed a handful of popcorn. "That story would even make a great comic book!" Amy couldn't believe she actually said that, but she supposed in her excitement to sell the movie to a dubious Sheldon she had to lay it on pretty thick.

Sheldon pondered for a moment. Amy wondered if he was going to put up more of a fight. It was her night to choose the movie after all. Finally after several seconds of silence, he gave a relenting nod. "Alright" he answered in a way that can only be described as pure Sheldon Cooper.

Amy smiled and sighed at the same time—_a step forward._

She was pleased to find that Sheldon was enjoying the movie more than he thought he would, even with the subtitles. He had emptied the bowl of popcorn practically by himself. Now, he was lazily nibbling on a Red Vine. Amy sighed. She wanted so much to briefly taste those inviting lips, or at the very least nuzzle into the crook of his arm and wrap her arms around his waist. Amy quickly batted those thoughts away. She knew physical affection was not possible, Sheldon had seen to it. She assumed the severity of the relationship agreement was partially in response to their one and only cuddling session back when she was feeling especially vulnerable. Apparently, Sheldon did not want a repeat of that evening or anything further.

The juicy Newtonian apple that dangled from Sheldon's tree was strictly off limits.

Amy figured she would just have to settle for enjoying some of that candy herself. Amy's eyes searched the coffee table, but no Red Vines. She figured Sheldon had the box next to him on the side table. "Sheldon, I'd like one of those red chewy things please."

"Sorry Amy, last one." He answered through a chew, not even bothering to pull the long red rope from his mouth.

"Then rip it in half." She said matter-of-factly. His eyes broke from the screen and looked at her as though she had suddenly sprouted a second nose. "I don't think so."

Amy pouted—_one step forward, two steps back._

As the night wore on, Amy's toes began to ache. Her shoes were starting to feel a little tight, so as quietly as she could she kicked off her loafers. As she nestled her feet under herself she unintentionally grazed Sheldon's right outer thigh. He squirmed away with the tiniest yelp, as through it had been a tarantula slinking up his leg. He quickly closed his knees together to avoid her touch. "Amy, we are not hippies!" He scolded.

She cocked an eyebrow up at him, "Sheldon, I barely touched …" He cut her off with a wave of his right as though he were wiping away what she just said from a white board. "Nor are we beatniks—kindly refrain from molesting my leg with your ardent little toes." Her jaw dropped a bit, was he serious? She thought perhaps she tickled him and decided to have a little fun. "You aren't scared of me … are you Dr. Cooper?" She giggled while wiggling them towards him. He recoiled, a slight twitch forming in his eye.

"Amy Farrah Fowler! In the time I have known you; I have yet to give you any strikes. However, do not assume that means I won't ever do it!" She studied his face, he was indeed very serious.

Stunned at his sincere discomfort, Amy slowly moved her feet back down to the floor while adjusting her eyeglasses. Sheldon heaved a heavy sigh of relief. "Now, put your shoes back on." He commanded in a much calmer tone, not bothering to look at her. His eyes were stern and fixed straight ahead. For a few tense seconds, she was tempted to defy him just to see how he would react. Amy quickly thought better of it and slipped both her feet back into her loafers at the same time. "Sorry" she muttered, her nose scrunched up at him as if he had swatted it. He said nothing in reply as he continued to burn a hole in the television with his glare.

She didn't know what to make of it. She was being playful; at least she thought she was. Amy was growing weary of waiting and wishing for the moment when the petulant man-child would evolve (or perhaps the better word in this case was devolve) and succumb to his fiery lust for her. But the question was did Sheldon even have anything in him remotely close to fiery lust? At this point she would have settled for a small blue flame of curiosity.

While watching Nikita roll across a Parisian street with a gun between her hands, Amy began to sulk. A deluge of questions rippled through her. _Does he sense how much I want him? Is he even attracted to me? Will Sheldon ever make a move?_ Amy shoulders felt heavy as she began to understand that would probably never happen and she internally chastised herself for wanting him so much.

Sheldon Cooper was not and could not be a sexual being. He had been trying, in his own way, to make her happy. However, he maintained that theirs was a relationship of the mind. Maybe Sheldon Cooper really wasn't boyfriend material? Or maybe she wasn't his idea of girlfriend material?

Amy suddenly felt him shift and sensed movement behind her. What happened next was the last thing she expected. Amy's hands tightened into fists in her lap as she experienced the foreign sensation of Sheldon's long fingers stroking the length of her hair, following the silky strands down her back. It was just a few gentle strokes but she shuddered quietly when his removed his hand. Keeping her eyes forward, Amy suddenly felt exposed, as if he had heard everything she was just thinking.

"I am enjoying the movie Amy." His tone was no longer patronizing or snide, but, there was a touch of the Texan in his voice that made Amy's stomach somersault.

"I am glad to hear it Sheldon." It was all she able to squeak out, her throat had suddenly gone dry. They sat in silence for the rest of the movie. Sheldon remaining calm and still, while Amy's toes squirmed in her shoes.

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><p>On her way home that night, Amy thought about what had transpired. She learned being too casual with him or "loosie goosie" as Sheldon called it would possibly earn her a strike. Although she had no clue what that might entail. If she didn't already know better, a strike from Sheldon almost sounded … promising.<p>

_Stop it, Fowler! She scolded herself. Get your mind out of the gutter!_

Amy tried to compose herself while headed towards her front door. However, her mind began to float away again once she was inside her apartment, finally freeing her feet from those pinching loafers.

_He did touch me. Without our negotiating, without my pleading … Sheldon touched me._

The neurobiologist prepared for bed in her usual fashion. First of cup of tea while she checked her e-mail one last time, then she laid out her clothes for the next day. Now clad in her red plaid pajamas she snuggled under her comforter, reliving Sheldon's touch over and over. It may have been brief, but it was intimate and tender. And most importantly, it was his choice.

Amy was thoroughly flummoxed, but once again she dared to hope while she drifted off to sleep.

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><p><strong><em>There it is, chapter one of my first TBBT fan fiction.<em>**

**_Chapter 2 in the works. LONG LIVE THE SHAMY!_**


	2. Chocolate Covered Strawberries

**Thank you to those who provided such positive feedback. It was truly thrilling and humbling. I am not ashamed to admit that I squealed—happily. ** **I was so excited that I cranked out chapter two faster than anticipated. Again, I don't own a damn thing. **

**Disclaimers and warnings from chapter one are applied. Long live the Shamy! Enjoy! **

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><p>The second half of the month had arrived.<p>

Amy's living room was almost in total darkness, with the one exception of her modest flat screen television perched a few feet in front of herself and her boyfriend. They sat on opposite ends of her small couch and hardly a word was said between them as soon as he popped the movie into her DVD player. Amy's hands were folded in her lap, her thumbs twirling around each other with nervous energy. Her back was rigid and her legs were tightly crossed at the ankle. Even though they were in her apartment, she was attempting to make her body language as non-threatening as possible.

During the first thirty minutes of the movie night in her apartment Sheldon's posture was stiff as well. His hands were glued to his knees with his fingers splayed out. Amy could sense Sheldon's stoic figure in the shadows. She would occasionally and cautiously glance at him and was relieved when he had finally allowed himself to recline. She heard the faint sound of fabric against fabric as Sheldon crossed his arms casually across his chest and his knees spread the tiniest bit apart.

Surely, any other couple would be hot and heavy right now, tangled in each other's arms. But, they were not just any couple, were they?

Before Sheldon, Amy had no interest in carnal exploration with maybe the small exception of Zach; Penny's built like a brick with a brain to match ex-boyfriend. Her world was orderly and contained and for a time Amy believed she was content within her bubble. She was a Biologist, clinical and analytical—a self-made breed that was devoted to her field, not getting her rocks off like some teeny bopper. She was fixed in cold reality, weighing every possible consequence of every action. She was, after all, a genius herself. Maybe not like Sheldon, but she too had an extraordinary mind and she knew it. However, when she was introduced to Sheldon and his world, the bubble popped and everything in the world seemed fresh and new. She had made new friends that included a drop dead gorgeous blonde who introduced her to wine, laughter, waxing and underwear that wasn't white or cotton. Amy couldn't fully comprehend it how black lacey boy shorts made her feel like a rock star, but they did! Of course, the cherry on the preverbal sundae had to be getting a boyfriend and not just any boyfriend, but Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper! He was the whole package, a brilliant theoretical physicist, a vexillology enthusiast and an all-around cutie with a bootie.

Amy tried in vain to keep her gaze on the flickering screen, but she couldn't help but notice that Sheldon's chest and shoulders seemed broader then went she first met him. She recalled that fateful day in the coffee shop when they first met. He was wiry then, perhaps one would even say boney. The change was both unsettling and curious; Sheldon Cooper was filling out. It wasn't that long ago when he was practically swimming in those t-shirts of his, but now the soft orange cotton looked as though it was tailored perfectly to his wider frame. The frail looking, whisper thin Sheldon had morphed into a more masculine version. His once baggy black corduroy pants now clung to his legs and Amy was confident those meatier thighs could easily support her weight if she were ever to vigorously test them. _Sheldor the Conqueror, indeed … _

Amy quickly forced herself to swallow a large gulp or air, effectively silencing an embarrassing "Hoo" from creeping up her throat. She had to keep herself in check, even if that meant adopting Sheldon's practice of a fictional Vulcan meditation technique to smother the lust that threatened to consume her and drive Sheldon away. Attempting to add a physical component to their current arrangement could ruin everything. Their established relationship could come crashing down around her. She could be left alone, judged and unfulfilled. If she and Sheldon broke up there was no guarantee that they could remain friends as Leonard and Penny had. The future could be unforgivably stained by her acting on what Sheldon often referred to as her "base desires".

Against her better judgment, she continued to observe him the semi-darkness. Sheldon's attractive new build reminded Amy of the high school crush she once had on a boy named Oswald Montserrat. From what Amy observed in class, Oswald was quick and clever. She didn't even care that he was shorter than her. He was lovely. Oswald had hair that was short and silky like Sheldon's but with slightly darker, more olive tone complexion to his skin. And instead of the heavenly ocean blue eyes of her boyfriend, Oswald had velvety brown eyes. Oswald also had some heavy duty braces on his teeth, but Amy only found that endearing.

Amy and Oswald never actually spoke; in fact she was fairly certain he didn't know she existed. That is until the last day of junior year, when Oswald came up behind her and roughly slapped her backside without warning. Amy jerked in surprise, but didn't yell out or cry. She remembered watching him run back to a group of laughing boys. A few of them offered him a high five. She often wondered if it had been a dare. Amy never told her Mother about the incident and truth be told Amy wasn't upset—just surprised, confused and maybe even a little giddy. She distinctly recalled the sharp sting of Oswald's hand on her backside, quickly followed by jolt of … _something _shooting up her spine. She wasn't sure what the new sensation was or what it meant. It was an indescribable type of warmth that spread everywhere making her heart beat a little faster. When Amy used to overhear, or rather eavesdrop on the popular girls, they would say if a boy liked you he'd tease you or pull your hair. Maybe a smack on the bottom meant Oswald liked her too, maybe even a lot?

After the especially hot summer break before senior year Amy convinced herself that she would finally work up the nerve to talk to Oswald. She would practice what she would say to him on her way home from the library with her knapsack full of biology books, pausing only briefly to close her eyes and toss a quarter into a rusted old water fountain—making her daily wish.

_"Hello, my name is Amy Farrah Fowler. "_

_"Hi, I'm Amy Farrah Flower. "_

_"Hey hot stuff, I'm Amy."_

Yeah, that last one was gold. Who knows, maybe she would shave her legs like her Mother had suggested? No, no … she wasn't a Playboy bunny.

To her astonishment, when she laid eyes on Oswald again, he had shot up three inches taller than her and his voice dropped into a deep baritone. The mouthful of metal was also gone, replaced by a dazzling white smile of perfect teeth. He was bigger, all around. Shoulders, chest, thighs … while he had always been cute boy, after his growth spurt Oswald was a striking young man. She suddenly felt inferior and unworthy. Amy quickly chickened out and resigned herself to staring from afar. Eventually, Oswald went on to date a red-headed cheerleader with large breasts who called him "Ozzie" … _Ugh_. This, of course, made him unsuitable to her as a potential boyfriend even if it was just her fantasies. At least, that is what she told herself.

Oswald Montserrat was one less coin in the fountain. After graduation, he would leave to attend a college in New York City and she would never see him again. So, she reserved that coin for her future dream lover. Amy wasn't even sure if that man existed, but she continued to wish for the day when she would meet a tall and handsome man whose remarkable brilliance could only be surpassed by one thing, his intense love for her. She never thought her wish would actually come into being, but it did … sort of.

_Maybe I should have used a half dollar instead of a quarter?_

When Amy's mind floated back to the present, she strained her eyes in the dark. She examined the graphic on Sheldon's top layer t-shirt. He loudly cleared his throat, startling Amy to turn away and face the television again. Amy closed her eyes and brought the graphic into her thoughts. Was it Superman? Captain Marvel? She was never the least bit interested in comics or any of the other "make believe" stuff he seemed fascinated by. But, Sheldon was her boyfriend and she was going to make the effort. Maybe, it's the Flash?

"Is that the Flash?" She suddenly asked, her own voice surprising her as she pointed to his chest. Sheldon's gaze didn't leave the screen. "Yes it is Amy, but this is hardly the time for conversation." He responded flatly. "The relationship agreement clearly states that all topics not related to the chosen movie must occur after the movie has completed and both parties have had their respective bathroom breaks. Movie related questions shall be asked only when the movie has been paused."

Amy shrugged and leaned back with a sigh, feeling a little defeated. Again, she was hoisted by that blasted agreement. "Fine. I was just curious Sheldon. I recall you mentioning that you wished I would show more of an interest your favorite comic book heroes." Her tone was meek, but tinged with annoyance.

Without a word Sheldon reached for the remote in between them and rewound the last minute or two of the film. Amy sighed again, crossing her own arms. She tried to focus on the movie, but even with the ruggedly handsome Bruce Willis and the deliciously evil Gary Oldman, she simply wasn't interested in "The Fifth Element". So far, all she noticed were the ridiculous costumes. A few more minutes went by with only the sound of gunfire and explosions coming from her TV. He might as well be on the moon; she pouted internally and cursed the space between them. In her absolute joy that Sheldon had finally asked her to be his "girlfriend" she had hastily signed that damned relationship agreement. Now, after years of dating they were still pure as unplowed snow.

Clean, bright and utterly sexless.

Sometimes Amy simply wanted to let loose and grab him by the shoulders and shout "_Sheldon Cooper, I am in love with you! Make love to me you remarkable amalgamation of man, boy, genius, fool, angel and tyrannical jackass!" _

But she didn't and she wouldn't.

Amy's private pity party was interrupted by a soft and wet smacking sound. Sheldon was absent-mindedly grinning while happily chewing on chocolate covered strawberry. Amy had bought them at local chocolate shop foolishly hoping they could feed them to each other, but so far Sheldon had eaten three on his own with not so much as a glance in her direction.

Amy's mounting exasperation seemed to stall and then retreat as she watched him lick his bottom lip, eagerly collecting stray flecks of chocolate. Her eyes widened as he gave an almost devilish grin to the remaining morsel between his long pale fingers. Sheldon taunted the poor little thing, rolling it, allowing a thin layer of melting chocolate to coat his thumb. His actions towards the helpless treat were almost predatory.

It was new. It was strange. It was delightful.

Amy realized he was holding her breath and exhaled with an inaudible pant.

"I must say Amy; this was a most excellent choice for our movie night snack. Perhaps a tad messier than I would have liked, but I cannot deny that they are delicious." Sheldon may have praised her choice, but kept his blue eyes fixed on the treat before devouring it entirely and then discarding the stem on a designated paper towel he had arranged for himself on her coffee table.

Amy openly stared at that tantalizing bottom lip. He really had no idea of the effect he had on her. She wanted to reach for his sticky thumb, eagerly suck it clean and revel in his shocked reaction. However, Sheldon had already beaten her to the punch. He efficiently ran his tongue over the coated pad of his thumb. Amy's throat went dry while another localized area became, well, quite the opposite of dry. Sheldon then took a second designated paper towel to wipe his fingers and mouth clean of any evidence of the milk chocolate tryst.

_Did a chocolate covered strawberry just get more tongue action from Sheldon Cooper in these last few seconds than I ever have?_

Her boyfriend then offered her a very different smile, a sweet, innocent smile—it was infuriating.

"That may have been the world's luckiest strawberry Dr. Cooper." She said aloud, a sudden wave of heat was rising in her chest. Sheldon blinked in confusion and fumbled for the remote, quickly putting the movie on pause. He looked at her quizzically, as if he wasn't sure of what she just said. "Come again?"

Amy leaned in towards him, her face purposely invading his invisible barrier. His features flashed with a bit of alarm as he attempted to sink further back into her couch. "Amy?" He croaked, dropping the remote between his legs. Amy felt herself smiling, no, _smirking_ at him. Her eyes narrowing on his mouth, his lips were glistening in the light of the television. Amy felt ripple of warmth spread through her. She was suddenly feeling a little predatory herself. The sensation was oddly similar to when Oswald smacked her rear end in high school. It was that old hum of electricity buzzing through her limbs that triggered her boldness and her anxiety all at once.

_You are scaring him._ Her logical self warned.

_Good, he should be scared._ Her primal side replied.

"Amy … I am warning you … cease and desist or … or … I will be forced to … to …" He stammered while tightening his knees together, bringing his balled hands to his chest.

"But what am I doing Sheldon?" She whispered back, inching dangerously close to his delectable mouth.

"You are violating our agreement!" Sheldon squeaked, his eyes wide with panic.

"How am I violating the agreement Sheldon? I am not touching you, am I?" She raised an eyebrow in inquiry.

Sheldon's own eyebrows came together. "No, You haven't touched me …" He gulped and licked his lips "… but you are trying to kiss me, aren't you?"

"Kiss you? Now why would I want to do that?" She asked with a low husky growl.

_I was not aware I could sound like that. _Her logical self noted.

_Apparently, he didn't either. _Her primal self boasted.

Sheldon eyed her suspiciously "So, you are _not_ going to try and kiss me?" Amy sensed that behind the nervousness in Sheldon's voice there was something else. It sounded a little bit like disappointment—she wasn't sure.

Amy then openly let her glance sweep over the length of Sheldon's body. Her eyes first moving down slowly, then back up again from his feet, up his legs, up his chest and back meet his gorgeous eyes. Amy had just ogled him, deliberately.

"No Sheldon. I am not going to kiss you." She informed him casually, her voice quite normal while leaning back and reestablishing what she knew Sheldon would consider an appropriate distance between them.

He tilted his head like a confused puppy, blinking rapidly and before returning his gaze to the paused screen. Amy sensed in the rise and fall of his chest and abdomen—his heart rate had sped up. She could tell his mind was trying to break down what had almost transpired as the various colors of light from her television spread across his beautiful face.

Of course Amy knew that attempting to persuade Sheldon into a night of passionate love making was, in a word, improbable. Nevertheless, she suddenly felt like a general on a mountain top. Her improvised tactic may have just won her a single battle in an ongoing war. It was Sheldon's turn to be flummoxed.

Sitting in the dark Amy's mind began to click and churn with the formulation of a plan, no rather, an experiment for the next movie night. Her Netflix DVD queue was about to get some new additions.

She then quickly snatched the remote from between his legs, her fingers briefly grazing his inner thighs. She calmly resumed the movie and placed the remote between them.

Sheldon shivered, but said nothing. Amy noticed, but also said nothing.

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><p><strong>LONG LIVE THE SHAMY! Chapter three is in the works ...<strong>


	3. Ursa Major

**Thank you again to both the readers and those who provided feedback. ****Disclaimers and warnings from chapter one are still applied. I own nothing. **

**Chapter 3! Enjoy! LLTS!**

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><p>Amy watched Sheldon curiously. They were sitting in her car, stalled in front of his apartment building. The car purred beneath them while she waited for him to provide her with his usual <em>"Good night Amy" <em>followed by a curt nod, but none came. Instead he sat quietly, staring straight ahead. He was eerily still, occasionally muttering under his breath. Amy wondered if he was still mulling over the events of the evening. He had been that way for the past two hours—since their almost kiss on her couch.

Perhaps she really did frighten him by briefly exposing her hunger for him? But, in that heated moment, it simply could not be helped. She was so equally aroused and frustrated; it took all of her strength not to pounce on him like a jungle cat. It was becoming increasingly difficult to curb her attraction to him, especially when she realized she loved him.

_Don't panic … do not panic. You didn't violate the agreement. _Amy soothed herself while trying to ignore the knot of dread tightening her gut. She looked into the Pasadena night sky while she turned off the engine. It was pitch black. Only artificial light could be seen beyond her dashboard—harsh street lamps, headlights and neon flashing from the nearby gas station. Amy always preferred her sky blanketed with stars. Besides coins, stars with her next favorite thing to make wishes on.

_No wishes tonight, I suppose. _

Amy gripped the steering wheel and glanced back at him, only to see that Sheldon's eyes were closed. He appeared to be muttering under his breath again. Amy was becoming concerned. "Sheldon … what is it?" He didn't respond.

She wasn't sure what to do or what to say, so she blurted out that first thing that came to mind. "I assure you Sheldon, my side view mirrors were adjusted correctly." Amy paused, still nothing.

She let go of the steering wheel and placed a timid hand on his shoulder. "Sheldon, we have arrived at your apartment building." It was then Sheldon seemed to snap out of his self induced trance, pulling his hideous beige windbreaker tighter around himself. "Of course we have Amy, I can see that." He said impassively, while looking down at the hand on his shoulder. She slowly removed it with a sigh.

"Good night Amy." He finally said with the expected curt nod. She returned his nod with her own "Good night Sheldon."

He had barely unfastened his seat belt before leaping out of passenger side, sprinting towards his front door. Once at his door, she watched him awkwardly step aside while a young couple with a little white dog stepped out. His eyes followed the little animal, a Vulcan eyebrow went up in observation of the ball of fur. Amy grinned; again she simply couldn't help herself. Her robo-boyfriend could be so darn cute sometimes.

She quickly felt her grin fade however as she began to watch the young couple. The young man had his arms around the young woman's shoulders. She giggled as he whispered something into her ear. Amy sighed again as she watched the way the woman's hand ran up her lover's back, while her other hand held the fur ball's leash.

The man didn't jump, squirm or recoil. He simply smiled broadly at her as they walked down the street. Amy closed her eyes instinctively. _I wish … _She opened them._ Wait … no stars._

Amy's eyes went back to Sheldon—who was watching her intently. He took a tentative step towards her car, his gaze fixed on hers. There was the tiniest flutter in her chest in reaction to his direct eye contact.

The expression on his face was unusual, he looked ... unsure of something. This was rare because Amy was certain he was hardly ever unsure about anything.

His mouth opened as if say something but instead he looked up, his eyes searching the night sky above her car. His face brightened after a few seconds and he pointed up. He finally said something, but she couldn't make it out. Amy tapped the automatic window button, lowering the passenger side window.

"What? I couldn't hear you!" Amy half shouted to him.

He pointed up again, a gleeful smile on his face, "Ursa Major!" He full out shouted back.

In her car, Amy was unable to see what or who he was pointing at, "Ursa who?"

Sheldon let out an exasperated sigh and quickly shuffled back towards her car, leaning down towards the window. "Oh for crying out loud ... open your sun roof Amy."

Amy nodded and tapped another button and waited as her car's sun roof slowing whirred open. She then looked up and gasped. There she saw it—the seven brightest points of light of Ursa Major that that Amy knew better as the Big Dipper. _Stars! _

She quickly clamped her eyes shut and wished harder than she ever had in her life.

"Amy, did you know that Ursa Major, which is actually Latin for Large Bear, is a constellation visible throughout the year in most of the northern hemisphere?"

She kept her eyes closed and kept wishing.

"Additionally, many people mistakenly think that the Big Dipper is a constellation but it isn't, it's actually an asterism….. "

She opened her eyes as a thick hot tear rolled down her left cheek. She quickly wiped it away.

"… an asterism is an easily recognizable formation of stars that is usually part of a larger constellation. In this instance, the Big Dipper is part of the constellation Ursa Major." Sheldon was beaming at her. She smiled back at him, enjoying the shared excitement between them.

It was moments like this that she truly adored him. He may not follow the standard boyfriend social protocol with flowers or chocolates, but this genius, _her_ genius could bring her stars. "Thank you Sheldon."

Sheldon's hands tightened on the strap of his messenger bag. He suddenly looked rather coy, "You're quite welcome Amy. " He straightened up, "They are … pretty. Even if they are just massive spheres of plasma held together by gravity."

He then offered her another quick nod "Well, good night. Sleep well." Before she could reply he darted back to his front door and she noticed he was muttering again. _Curious._

Amy happily turned on her engine on and began to make the trip back to her apartment leaving the sun roof open the whole way.

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><p>Later that evening, Amy sat in her baby blue striped pajamas while studying her computer screen with a renewed laser focus. She had one leg tucked under the other as she leaned forward. Her right hand was busy scrolling through various movies on Netflix, while her left hand tightly held a Red Vine.<p>

_Hmm … this sounds interesting. Angelina Jolie … Sheldon has mentioned those Tomb Raider games on more than one occasion … but … he's probably seen both of these Lara Croft movies … so maybe not …_

Amy continued to scroll a list of Jolie's films available for rental, when a particular title caught her eye. "Well, that's … provocative." She said aloud. After reading the description and noting that the movie also starred Antonio Banderas (_swoon_) her hand stilled over the mouse. She was taking a chance, a very risky chance … but her plan … uh … _experiment_ had to be based on gathering empirical and measurable evidence. She finished the Red Vine in a few aggressive bites. Sheldon was right, those _were_ good.

Amy would never attempt to force physical affection onto Sheldon, but certainly there was no harm in simply determining whether or not he was even capable of sexual arousal in some other way, was there? There was nothing in the movie night amendment that specified prohibited actors or … genres.

Amy stared at the "Add to Queue" icon for what seemed like hours. Although, it was probably more like three minutes. Her face was tingling like it did back in high school whenever she saw Oswald wrap his arms around his bimbo girlfriend or when Sheldon would bend over to get to a particularly hard to reach patch on his white board.

With a deep breath in, followed by a long exhale, Amy added "Original Sin" to her DVD queue.

_If there wasn't a stipulation before, there surely will be after this. _Her logical side cautioned.

_Maybe you'll earn a spanking? _Her primal side teased.

"Shut up—both of you!" Amy screeched to the air before slamming her eyeglasses down on her desk, effectively cracking the lens on the left side. "Oh, darn it to heck!"

* * *

><p><strong>Chapters 4 and 5 are in the works! Long Live the Shamy!<strong>


	4. Sister from Another Mister

**Here is chapter 4! Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoy it. ****Disclaimers and warnings from chapter one still apply. SHAMY FTW!**

* * *

><p>The late afternoon traffic had been horrendous. Amy purposely left her lab early in order to meet her bestie at the Cheesecake Factory, but now she was nearly twenty minutes late. It had been two weeks since Amy's last movie night with Sheldon and she was practically aching to talk to the blonde angel about her idea for the <em>next <em>movie date—which to Amy's trepidation was the very next night.

The schedules of the unlikely best friends had been action packed recently. Whenever Penny was free, Amy was occupied with finalizing her latest research paper for the California Journal of Neuroscience. The paper was a joint effort with a team from London, so Amy was keeping ridiculous hours in order to participate in various Skype sessions. It also seemed whenever Amy had some time to spare over the past two weeks, Penny had to run to her latest "gig" doing voice over work for a straight to DVD animated movie—_about a smoking monkey named Ricky of all things._

Normally she and Penny would text like fiends, but Amy was not at all comfortable texting Penny any of her latest news. Especially since Penny and Leonard were now some sort of quasi-couple again. What if Leonard were to catch wind of it and unknowingly tip Sheldon off? Leonard was many things, but one thing he certainly was not was smooth. For similar reasons Amy also left Bernadette out this particular loop. Of course Amy liked Bernadette (_maybe not as much as Penny_) but she didn't trust the tiny microbiologist to keep it from her tiny engineer. The last thing Amy wanted was for Howard to ridicule Sheldon about something that would never … well … _might_ never happen.

Like any highly classified experiment, this information needed to be contained. Amy also wrestled with the notion of not telling Penny at all. Yes, she was radiant beyond comprehension and an overall delight to be around but Penny could also a bit of a gossip … _oh_ … but she couldn't keep anything from that goddess!

Finally arriving at the restaurant, Amy moved quickly through the main dining room, briskly passing the stick-like peroxide blonde seating hostess that Penny would sometimes refer to as "super bitch". Amy scanned the room quickly, looking for Penny's trademark high ponytail of golden wheat. She finally saw her BFF tending bar. _Perfect_, she thought. Amy made her way up to the bar and attempted to make herself as comfortable as she could on a rather narrow stool. Penny spotted her and offered a friendly wave and then mouthed "One second". Amy nodded in acknowledgment and waited as patiently as she could.

There were two middle aged male patrons at the other side of the bar that were clearly inebriated. Both men wore rumpled business suits. They were red faced and laughing. Penny had her best fake smile plastered on her face as she poured their dirty martinis into frosted glasses. "Try to nurse this round, okay?" Both men raised their glasses to her, one hiccupped. Penny just shook her head and headed over to Amy.

"Poor guys, they got laid off today." She pouted then looked back over her shoulder. "Now they are blitzed." She shrugged as she wiped down the area in front of Amy, "Can't say I blame them. I would probably be doing the same thing. Either that or take a steak knife to my boss's tires … oh hell, who I am kidding? It would probably be both."

Amy patted her best friend's hand, "Your sympathy for their unfortunate situation only confirms what I have always known about you. You are kind as well as stunning. " Penny patted her hand back, "Aww, thanks Ames. So how's life?" Amy smiled, "Ah yes, I have missed our social protocol of exchanged pleasantries. " Penny only chuckled in response.

Amy counted off her hand as she listed her responses, starting with her pinky, "Well let's see … as it pertains to my physical health, I am in excellent condition. "

Her ring finger: "My career is moving forward at a consistent and agreeable pace."

Her middle finger: "I have realized that I am in love with Sheldon and I will be attempting to determine whether or not he is capable of sexual arousal."

Her index finger: "My mother and I have not argued in almost three weeks, which is a record for us, let me assure you …"

Penny 's pouty mouth dropped open and she waved her hands in front of her as if bringing down a plane, "Whoa, whoa, whoa … back up a sec … What was that bit about being in love with Sheldon?"

Amy sighed; it was no use getting anything past this blonde firecracker. "Yes Penny, it is true. I have come to conclusion that I indeed do love Sheldon. " A twinge of panic poked her in the chest, like heartburn. "You are the only one who knows Penny. I haven't even revealed this to Sheldon. "

Penny grinned broadly, "Don't worry Amy; I won't say a word to him." Amy appreciated it, of course, but she had to be crystal clear on the matter. "Penny, I find myself in completely new territory. I need your absolute assurance that what I am about to discuss with you will stay between us. Leonard cannot know and neither can Bernadette. Please tell me you understand and will respect this." Penny seemed to sense Amy's distress and she nodded solemnly and put her right hand up, "Amy Farrah Fowler, I swear on my future Academy Award that I will not breathe a single word of this to anyone."

That was all Amy needed to hear, "Very well."

* * *

><p>Over the next hour or so and a couple of glasses of cheap white wine, Amy revealed everything that had happened since the first movie night with Sheldon. She started from his freak out over her feet touching him to his baffling muttering as he walked into his apartment and everything in between. Penny silently listened, occasionally having to step away to see to a patron, but returning quickly to her friend.<p>

Finally, Amy told Penny of her experiment, or as she began to call it in her head, _Project: Angelina_. Penny couldn't help but scoff at that, "Project Angelina, seriously?"

Amy shrugged, her limbs starting to feel the effect of the alcohol, "Well I couldn't call it _Project: Sheldon Cooper's Throbbing Erection_ now could I?"

Penny instantly shrieked at this and then doubled over into a fit of laughter, slapping her hands on her knees. Amy paused and watched her friend before spontaneously joining her. Fits of giggles bubbled up and out of their mouths. Amy began laughing so hard that she was forced to grip the bar for dear life because she knew if she let go, she would surely fall right off her bar stool.

"Oh my God …" was all Penny could get out between gasps of laughter. Amy's chuckles eventually began to subside as she wiped her hair out of her face. Her sides ached from laughing so hard. It felt so good to let out some of that nervous energy, thank the stars for Penny. "Bestie, I don't think I can drive home tonight. " Between the laughing and the wine, Amy felt she had slipped into what Penny would surely call a "buzzed" state.

Penny's own giggling died down and she let out a long satisfied sigh. "No worries Ames, I'll drive you."

Amy took the napkin from underneath her wine glass and wiped her forehead, she had begun to perspire slightly. "What about my car?" she asked.

Penny looked at the clock on the wall behind her; Amy noted the time as well. Her shift was almost over.

"We'll take your car, I'll drive you home and I will have Leonard pick me up tonight and drive me to work tomorrow." Penny said casually. Amy took her wallet out of her bag to settle her tab, "Won't Leonard mind?"

Penny rolled her eyes at this, "That's hilarious."

Amy thought for a moment and nodded while plunking down a twenty dollar bill. "Of course, you're right. Why would he mind? If I were him—_hiccup_—I would carry you around on my back my sweet sister from another mister!"

Penny simply turned and walked away, "Um … yeah … let me get my purse."

Amy toasted the air with her empty wine glass, "To piggyback rides!" The two red faced, laughing unemployed middle aged men raised their glasses with mirth, "To piggyback rides!"

* * *

><p>As the two women walked up the stairs towards Amy's apartment, Penny dialed Leonard from her cell phone. Amy was a little disappointed that she would be leaving so soon, she had hoped Penny could hang out a while longer.<p>

"Alright, thanks Honey. See you in a few." Penny chirped into her phone. Her smile lingered even after she put her phone away. Amy noticed and poked her Bestie playfully in the ribs. "I saw that." Penny crossed her arms, but the smile stayed. "Why Dr. Fowler, I have no idea what you are talking about."

Both women giggled as they entered Amy's apartment. Amy haphazardly threw her bag and jacket over the sofa and plopped herself down. Penny left her jacket on while she sat down beside her and put her feet up on Amy's coffee table. They sat in silence for a long while. It was a comfortable silence, both women were exhausted and if Amy's suspicions were correct, she wasn't the only one who was in love.

"Penny?"

"Yea, Ames?"

"Do you think Sheldon … I mean … do you think … "Amy's voice began to break with emotion. Why did she have two glasses of wine? She knew very well that alcohol was a depressant, now sitting in her living room she sensed her emotions start to stir and swirl outside of her reach. Penny sat up quickly and placed a concerned hand on Amy's knee. "Oh Amy … I wish I knew what to say … but you have to know that no matter what I have your back, right? "

Amy took Penny's hand and squeezed, "Thank you Penny. " She took a deep breath and tried to collect herself. "Do you think I am being terribly foolish? What if Sheldon is furious? He may terminate our relationship if he suspects that I want to have intercourse."

Penny cringed, "Amy, intercourse is a bit of a technical word and not very sexy."

Amy sniffed, "Well, considering that I don't know the first thing about being sexy are you surprised?" Penny gently slapped Amy's knee, "Now, cut it out. You are … um … you have the potential to be very sexy."

Amy gave Penny a dubious pout, "Oh come on Bestie …" Penny slapped Amy's knee a little harder, causing the woman to yelp and then giggle. "Quit it!"

Penny's face became somewhat serious as she looked into Amy's eyes, "Now you stop that right now Amy Farrah Fowler. You are super duper smart and … and you can be funny … and nice. Plus, you have got great legs … trust me, there are lots of men who would appreciate that combination. "

Amy gave the golden girl a weak smile, "Lots of men … but probably not Sheldon."

Penny thought for a bit and sighed, "Sheldon is … Sheldon. And if he ends it with you because he's too Whack-a-doodle to see how amazing you are … then all I can say is … screw him."

Amy's eyebrows knitted together, "But therein lies the problem Bestie, he won't let me screw him."

Penny immediately cringed again, "Ya know what? Let's stick to intercourse. "

Just then there was a hard knock Amy's door. Both women jumped, "That must be Leonard." Penny said getting up quickly. Amy pushed herself off her couch and opened her front door. There stood Leonard Hofstadter in his usual layers of geek chic. He was hastily cleaning his eyeglasses on his shirt before quickly putting them back on, "Hey Amy" he greeted her cheerfully. Amy appreciated how warm and genuine Leonard's smile was sometimes. She looked back at Penny who was beaming herself; apparently Amy wasn't the only one who appreciated it.

"Your chariot awaits milady …" Leonard crooned in a horrible mock cockney accent while offering a deep bow. Penny groaned, but greeted him with a peck on the cheek "Alright Don Juan, gimme a minute."

Unexpectedly, Penny turned to Amy and embraced her tightly. "It will be okay Amy. I know it will." She whispered in her ear. Amy could only nod in reply, she was so overwhelmed with different emotions right then, she was afraid if she spoke it would only come out in sobs. That would be unacceptable in front of Leonard. He would surely tell Sheldon.

She bid them a good night as she watched them walk hand in hand down her hallway; Penny looked back briefly to give Amy a cheeky wink before they turned the corner. In that moment, Amy was grateful. One of the major concerns she had if Sheldon broke up with her was that she might lose Penny as a friend—but apparently Penny was Queen Bee of the nerd hive.

And drones follow where the Queen goes, not the other way around.

Also, perhaps Penny had a point? Maybe there where men that would appreciate what she brought to the table. Stuart had asked her out—that must have meant he found her appealing in some way. But, she loved Sheldon and she couldn't imagine ever wanting anyone else.

Entering her bedroom, Amy glanced at the red Netflix envelope on her night stand and gulped. She quickly turned away from it and began to peel off the layers of her clothes when her phone let out a soft little *_ding_*. As Amy shimmed off and stepped out of her khaki skirt, she grabbed her IPhone and noticed she had a Facebook alert.

"No freakin' way!" She exclaimed aloud, sounding a little too much like Penny.

She held her breath as she reread the message alert on the tiny screen. Instinctively, she bent down yanked her skirt up, covering the front of her bare legs. Amy's face grew hot; she couldn't believe what she was reading.

It was unfathomable, but yet there it was.

**_Oswald Montserrat would like to be your friend. Do you accept?_**

* * *

><p><strong>Long live the Shamy! Chapter 5 in is the works ...<strong>


	5. The Robe

**Chapter 5 has arrived! ****A huge thank you to all the readers and reviewers. You guys inspire me! **

**You know the drill, standard warnings and disclaimers are applied from chapter one. LLTS! (Long live the Shamy!)**

* * *

><p>Amy stared at the screen of her IPhone, her mouth slightly open with astonishment.<p>

_Oswald? Oswald Montserrat? _

It had been roughly twelve years since she last saw him and that was on her high school graduation day.

She had been voted class valedictorian and was to perform the terrifying task of giving a speech in front of the entire senior class and faculty. She recalled her knees wobbling underneath her cap and gown as she made her way to the podium. Amy barely remembered the speech, but she remembered all the faces in the crowd that mattered—her mother, her orthodontist and Oswald. Of course, Oswald had no clue he was on that particular short list.

Amy also remembered feeling somewhat nauseated at the sight of Oswald's muscled arm as it hung leisurely on a certain busty red-head's shoulders. _Succubus._

As far as Amy knew, Oswald was not aware that she even existed. Why after twelve years was he was asking to "friend" her on a social networking site? It seemed a bizarre coincidence given that over the last several weeks she found herself thinking about him again—comparing his physicality to Sheldon's.

Amy locked her IPhone screen without replying, deciding it would be better to get on her computer to scope out his profile. She hurriedly finished undressing and tossed on her red plaid robe over herself with only her white panties on underneath. Scurrying back into her living area, she quickly grabbed a bottle of water from her refrigerator and settled down in front of her computer desk. After two glasses of the Cheesecake Factory's chardonnay she wanted to clear her head before bed. The last thing she needed in the morning was headache. She took a few careful sips as she pondered this new development. Oswald Montserrat returning out of the clear blue was a perplexing fluke to say the least.

Amy found herself feeling both skeptical and unexpectedly elated.

After logging on and several rapid fire clicks, she found herself on Oswald's Facebook profile. His main profile picture was somewhat disappointing due to the fact that most of his face was covered by a huge pair of aviator sunglasses and a royal blue ski cap. Oswald was lying on his back on a short snow covered hill. He appeared to be in some type of wooded area, but she also noticed tall buildings in the background. He was bundled up in a matching blue coat and wore thick black gloves. Amy wasn't sure, but it looked like his was in the midst of making a snow angel. _He still has his whimsy, _she mused.

The one thing Amy recognized instantly was Oswald's inviting smile, it hadn't changed.

Amy scrolled through his past status updates; she wasn't entirely sure what she was looking for. She supposed that she was just curious, but it was one of his most recent updates that nearly made her choke on her water.

_**Oswald Montserrat**_

_**Yesterday at 9:40pm near Pasadena, California **_

"_**Goodbye New York City! Hello California!" **_

_Wait … what? Oswald is … here?_

Amy quickly found herself scanning through his profile. She found additional photos where his face wasn't hidden. Oddly enough there were no pictures of him with anyone else. Oswald had hardly changed. Naturally, there were small telltale signs of age around his smiling brown eyes and in some shots he donned a thin beard of scruff that he probably couldn't produce in high school, but he was still lovely. _Of course, he isn't as lovely as my Sheldon. _

She continued to comb through Oswald's profile with fervor. From what she was able to gather she determined the following:

He had recently moved from New York City to California, namely Pasadena.

He was an attorney.

He was single with no children.

Amy carefully weighed the situation. What would be the harm in adding Oswald as a friend? That didn't mean she would actually see him, did it? And what If she were to meet him once or twice? He is new in town and surely social protocol dictated that she would be remiss if she didn't play the charming hostess. She could introduce him to her favorite spots in town or her group of friends. Perhaps even could even introduce him to her boyfriend?

She paused at that thought. Oswald and Sheldon—Sheldon and Oswald. She wasn't sure how she felt about that.

Well, it wasn't like she and Oswald ever dated, heck, they weren't even friends. Furthermore, it wasn't as if she had ever discussed her high school days with Sheldon or ever confessed the details of her teenage crush. It would be silly to even entertain the notion that these two men would be rivals, both vying for her attention.

_That's right, silly. _

After an additional moment of consideration, Amy Farrah Fowler added Oswald Montserrat to her list of Facebook friends. *_Accept*_

Mere seconds after this her computer shrilled with a grating ring, startling Amy and causing her to drop her water, "Damn it!" She spat.

She scrambled to collect the bottle off the floor, groaning as some of the cold water ran down her legs. It was Sheldon; apparently he was in the mood for a little impromptu Skype session. _Unusual_. As Amy pushed herself off the floor, she accepted the call. Instantly, his sweet face filled the screen. "Hello Amy."

"Hello Sheldon. " She replied, trying to sound as normal as she could. "I seemed to have dropped a bottle of water. Please be so kind as to wait while I acquire several paper towels to absorb the excess water off my floor."

Sheldon nodded in understanding, "Of course. Water damage to wood flooring is nothing to be sniffed at."

"Thank you—I will be right back." Spinning around, she headed towards her kitchen. She heard him make some sort of sound but she didn't bother looking back. While in her kitchen and out of his line of sight, she ripped several paper towels from the roll and began to dab down her legs and back up again.

"Amy? You seemed to have ..." Sheldon's voice called out behind her. "I will be there shortly Sheldon." She replied curtly, still drying her skin thoroughly. She then walked back to the small area in front of her desk and dropped to her knees without a second thought.

Now on all fours, she ran the bunched up paper towels over her floor aggressively, trying to wipe up all evidence of the puddle. Amy grunted and growled absent mindedly, she was annoyed with herself. Her long hair was swinging with her movements and was getting in her eyes, so she flipped it over to one side while mopping up the last of the water_. _

_I am so clumsy … and Penny actually had to nerve to tell me I could be sexy ... what utter bullshit ... _

"Oh my …" Sheldon's voice erupted out from her computer speakers, interrupting her internal rant. His voice was oddly deep and breathy, was he alright? Amy looked up at the screen to see his big blue eyes were round with shock. "Sheldon, what happened?"

"You …" He cleared his throat, "… you apparently bumped into your webcam when you made your way towards the kitchen. I tried to tell you …"

Amy glanced at her webcam to see that the lens was facing down, right at her on the floor where she was currently on her hands and knees in only her robe, her hair tossed to one side. "Oh!"

"Amy ... why aren't you wearing pajamas?" His voice was timid and small, but his eyes were glued to his camera. She looked down at herself and realized that her robe had slipped open, revealing a narrow trail of flesh from her collar bone to her abdomen. She quickly closed the robe around herself and tightened the belt, double knotting it.

As far back as Amy could remember she had only ever worn her clothes in constrictive layers. Even when dressing for bed, there were always just … _layers_ … a t-shirt over a tank top, her pajama top over the t-shirt and so on. It was an old habit originally enforced by her mother, but her mother wasn't here now, was she?

She pushed herself up and sat in her desk chair. She adjusted her camera while trying to think of an answer. "I … I thought I would take a shower before bed." She fibbed. "Besides, I am a grown woman in the prime of my life enjoying the privacy of my apartment. I can be naked under my robe if I want_." _She surprised herself with that response. Sheldon's stare broke from his camera and veered off into the distance as he considered this, "Seems a little hippy dippy to me …" he muttered.

Amy chuckled at this, "Hippy dippy? Sheldon, are you telling me that you have never been naked under your robe?"

A single eyebrow shot up, "I am not going to answer that."

Amy leaned back and crossed her legs. A strange new awareness was brought to Amy's senses with just the soft flannel of the robe against the bare skin of her back and it wasn't entirely unpleasant. It was amazing to Amy; with all those layers she never noticed the sensation of the fabric cradling her arms or it gently rubbing her legs. It was oddly comforting and maybe even a little titillating. "We were all born naked Sheldon." She smiled.

He rolled his eyes, "Don't remind me."

Amy sighed, "So, was there something you wanted to discuss? This is not our scheduled time for web chatting. "

A tight smile formed on his lips, "Indeed I do. I just wanted to inform you that I have enjoyed our previous two movies nights and that I am very much looking forward to tomorrow night."

Amy returned his smile, "Really?"

Sheldon nodded, "... and I also wanted to tell you that I have arranged a little surprise for you."

Amy perked up at this news, "A surprise? Wait … it isn't some sort of glorified super hero toy or a movie prop is it?"

Sheldon shook his head at her, "Amy, Amy, Amy … it is not a toy, nor is it a prop. But frankly, I don't understand your hesitancy. Some of the replicas created from the Lord of the Rings trilogy are quite exquisite."

"Do I get a hint?" She asked, ignoring his previous comment.

He smirked and leaned towards his camera. "Well … all I will say is that we are in for a very stimulating evening." he said while wiggling his eyebrows.

Amy felt blood rushing to her cheeks; surely he wasn't implying … well ... she had no idea _what_ he was implying. This was Sheldon Cooper after all. "Sheldon, I am confused. Are we still watching a movie?"

"Of course we are Amy. What movie did you choose?"

Amy considered telling him that she had selected the director's cut of "Original Sin", complete with nudity and intense love scenes. But, if Sheldon could surprise her, why couldn't she return the favor?

"Let me surprise you." She purred.

* * *

><p><em>He was fresh from the shower … his hair was messy and damp … he slowly walked towards her with burning purpose in his eyes … oh no … his robe slipped open … a sliver of wet skin surfaced … now he is licking his lips … damn him … now he is trailing the tips of those amazing fingers across his mouth ... then slowly down his neck … he knows what she wants … fingers moving … down his own chest … exploring underneath his robe ... his breath hitches … oh wow … he is running his hand down … across his exposed abdomen … his jaw clenches … down … his hand reaching ... down ... <em>

"_I have a surprise for you my little Strawberry…" _

"Hooooooo …" Amy gasped and quickly clasped her hand over her mouth as she awoke. Her forehead was damp with sweat and her heart was pounding so hard in her chest she could feel it in her ears.

_Breathe, breathe … _she reminded herself. _That was one hell of a dream ..._

She laid there on her back panting, collecting herself. Her smooth legs were tangled in her sheets, her pillow had migrated to the floor. She craned her neck up to look down at herself and smiled. For the first time in her life Amy Farrah Fowler went to bed in nothing but her panties. Her mother would be horrified and that in itself was a delightfully humorous thought.

She rolled over to look at her clock: 6:34am. Her alarm wasn't set to go off until 7:15am.

_Well ... I might as well say good morning to Gerard. _

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter six is in the works. LONG LIVE THE SHAMY!<strong>_


	6. LV

**_Chapter 6 "LV"_**

**_Thank you to all! Reviews are welcomed and standard disclaimers are applied. LLTS!_**

* * *

><p>"Excuse me, what was that?" Amy asked her colleague for the third time since their experiment began. She was having a terrible time concentrating; her mind was preoccupied with all the possible scenarios of what could unfold that very evening.<p>

"Dr. Fowler I asked if you preferred the 50 milliliter cylinder or the 100 milliliter cylinder for the jackal urine." The other female biologist was clearly becoming agitated. Amy shook her head, "My apologies Dr. Alfonso. I'll take the 100 milliliter, if you please."

Dr. Alfonso nodded and with a latex-gloved hand pulled out the cylinder from a nearby plastic rack. Her eyes narrowed in on the glass tube in her hand. "It's cracked." She huffed. Amy suddenly was in full command of her senses. "Not another one." She groaned, taking the tube from her associate, her own latex clad fingers running over the hairline crack. It was one of several pieces of the lab's measuring equipment that had been cracked or chipped that month. "I suppose we will have to use the 50."

"This is ridiculous." Dr. Alfonso snarled. "Isn't there enough money in the budget to order a new complete set? Maybe something that doesn't look like it came from a child's chemistry kit?"

Dr. Alfonso was a new member of the team and was proving to be an invaluable asset to the lab, but at times she could be a bit volatile. However, Amy did understand her colleague's frustration. Their department had not had a substantial donation since Amy's trip to the Middle East several years prior. Funds were becoming strained and most of the spending went to the care of the lab animals and staff salaries.

"I will pick some up myself." Amy stated plainly.

Dr. Alfonso's eyes instantly softened, "No, no Dr. Fowler, that is not what I meant." She offered an apologetic smile. "You should not be out of pocket for this. I won't stand for it". Amy patted Dr. Alfonso's hand, a gesture she wouldn't have attempted prior to knowing Penny. Her Bestie had such a positive influence on her. "Alright Atabey, now could use pass me the 50?"

Nodding, she handed Amy the other tube, "So, where were you before?"

Amy's eyebrows came together, "Pardon me?"

Atabey readjusted the clear plastic safety goggles on her head. "You had a dreamy look on your face Amy. Either you unintentionally ingested the psychotropic drug that was meant for the jackal, or you were thinking about a guy."

Amy blushed; she had never found herself in this type of situation at work. She wasn't entirely sure if she was comfortable discussing her personal life with her colleagues. She looked at Atabey who was playfully making kissy faces at her. Amy rolled her eyes but could not hide the grin that spread across her face.

"Oh, so it is a guy. Okay spill!" Atabey commanded, her own eager grin lighting up.

"A lady never tells … "was all she responded as she gestured zipping her lip and throwing away the key. Little did her associate know that in a few short hours—Amy might possibly have the best night of her young life.

* * *

><p>To Amy's relief she managed to get out of work at a reasonable time, allowing her to make a quick stop at her place to freshen up. After taking a lightening quick shower, she applied deodorant and brushed her teeth. After putting her eyeglasses back on she suddenly stopped at a dead halt in front of her closet, naked.<p>

_Shit._

Amy had no clue what she was going to wear and she couldn't help but laugh at that. How often had she judged women who focused on their appearance? In high school she would scowl at the popular girls who claimed "they had nothing to wear" for a date or a dance. She told herself that she was glad not be plagued with such trivial concerns—but that was a big fat whopper. Amy scanned through her collection of button down shirts, cardigans and skirts. Sheldon had seen every single one at one point or another.

Additionally, there was his eidetic memory to consider. Surely he remembered everything she'd ever worn and when—which meant he would remember whatever she wore tonight. That thought intrigued her.

Amy made her way to the far end of her closet, shoving her colorful cardigans out of way. She pulled out a Louis Vuitton garment bag that she hadn't bothered to look at since coming back from the Middle East.

When in Riyadh, Prince Faisal insisted that in addition to the funding for her lab, that his personal tailor design several "looks" for her. Of course she couldn't refuse, the man had agreed to a small fortune to aid her work. She had to be gracious and accept. After having several color swatches waved in front of her and then being measured in every area imaginable, she was presented with the garment bag several weeks later as a farewell gift before returning to the United States.

Amy now carefully hung it on a hook on her bathroom door. She hadn't concerned herself with the bag once she had returned. She simply shoved it in her closet, deciding that she wasn't the type of woman who delighted in fashion or other material trappings. But she wasn't going to throw it out—it had been a gift after all. Taking a deep breath she slowly unzipped the bag and was instantly greeted by a dark green color.

_Wow._

Gently pulling the first dress out, Amy couldn't contain herself. She made a little jump in the air while letting out a tiny squeak. It was gorgeous! It was a silk wrap dress in a striking emerald green, elegant in its simplicity. No pattern, no embellishments, just breezy silk that moved with fluidity as she twirled the cushioned hanger. The arms were long sleeve and the hem looked as if it would fall right below her knees. She supposed this one was meant to be a cocktail dress. She draped the masterpiece on her bed. That one is definitely a contender.

The next one was nothing short of breath taking. A full length strapless gown—obviously meant for a formal gathering. The material was a dark blue this time, almost black in the dimness of her bedroom. Amy ran her hand over the dress, she didn't think it possible but it was softer than the silk. The bodice looked form-fitting with a slight dip in the middle, while the bottom half filled out and looked as though it were sprinkled with tiny stars. Ursa Major indeed, Amy grinned.

There were five outfits in total. The green silk, a professional looking charcoal grey suit, a crimson satin halter mini dress (Amy wasn't sure if she'd ever where that one, it was more Penny's speed), a lilac colored maxi dress with a matching knitted shrug and finally the starry blue gown.

Amy noticed once she removed all of the hangers that there appeared to be several smaller pouches with the "LV" logo on them. They were piled up at the bottom of the large garment bag, each the size and shape of a loaf of bread. That's odd.

She reached down and pulled one out, unzipping it. Amy gasped. Shoes! It dawned on Amy that Feisal's tailor had measured her feet as well. She reached into the first pouch and pulled out a single black leather platform pump with an ankle strap and a peep toe. Hot damn … Penny would freak!

Amy's eyes only got wider as she tore through the other pouches. Dark bronze colored flats, sensible looking kitten heels that matched the grey suit, white sandals with a cork wedge heel and finally a pair of silver t-strap heels with crystals embedded along the length of the front. It was almost too much for Amy, she had never been exposed to this kind of opulence—but it was hers, all hers.

There were two pouches left and the very bottom of the bag. Amy was reluctant to open them in fear that she might pass out. Come on Fowler, time-is-a-wastin'. She was expected at Sheldon's apartment in forty minutes and he was not very tolerant of tardiness.

Amy opened the first pouch and shoved her hand in, "Ouch!" She winced. Something hard had lightly scratched her pinky finger. She went over to her nightstand and after turning on the bedside lamp, she dumped the contents of the pouch onto her pillow. "Oh Feisal, you devil …" she giggled aloud.

Bracelets, necklaces, earrings and all manner of gilded trinkets now adorned her pillow. The glittering pile was like something out of an Arabian fable. Amy's eye was quickly drawn to a thick bronze bangle; it was a serpent with a red enamel apple in its mouth. Appropriate.

Dropping the bangle back onto the pillow, she ran back to the other pouch, her mind realizing that there was only one thing it could be.

Amy's suspicions were confirmed when she plucked a delicate peach colored panty with black lace trim out of the final pouch. "Oh my stars and garters …" she said with a sigh.

Of course there was a coordinating bra and several other matching bra and panty sets. Amy dove into the pouch one last time and retrieved the final item in her treasure trove. It unfolded before her instantly, the sheen of the material catching the light. It was a short dark blue satin nightgown—the exact color of the formal gown. Amy walked over to her full length mirror and held the nightgown in front of her. It had thin spaghetti straps and the length fell at the middle of her thigh. The material gathered at the bust, or rather between them, clasped by a single dazzling crystal.

Amy looked at her alarm clock. "Oh shoot!" It took her roughly fifteen minutes to get to Sheldon's by automobile, which meant she only had a few minutes to finish preparing. Amy looked longingly at the blue satin nightgown before tossing it on her bed, "Another time." She sighed.

As swiftly as she could, Amy stepped into the peach and black panty and then slipped into the matching bra. She paused when she caught her reflection. Her hair in damp loose curls, her face flushed from rushing and her full breasts pushed up in soft peach and black lace. She almost didn't recognize herself—even with her eyeglasses.

_I look ... hot! Why didn't I open that garment bag before? With lingerie like this, I might have had Sheldon a hundred different ways by now!_

* * *

><p>Amy peeled into the parking lot of Sheldon's apartment building and cut the engine in a few quick movements and literally hopped out of her car. She glanced at her watch and smiled, two minutes to spare.<p>

Upon entering the building, Amy's phone buzzed. It was another Facebook alert, but this time a message. She unlocked her phone with one hand while making her way up the stairs.

**_Hey there Amy,_**

**_Thanks for adding me. I wasn't sure if you remembered me, but I am glad to know that you do. Anyway, I checked out your profile and I know you are probably really busy with your neuroscience work (impressive, btw) but I was wondering if you wanted to meet up for coffee or maybe a drink? It would cool to see you. Give me a call sometime._**

**_Best,_**

**_OM_**

Amy stopped short on the third floor and blinked. Oswald had put his cell phone number under his initials. What universe am I in?

She shook off the surprise of Oswald's message when she heard someone coming up the stairs behind her. It was a delivery man from Sheldon's favorite Thai restaurant. He gave Amy a timid smile as he passed her.

_Sheldon must have ordered dinner, how thoughtful. Although that does seem like an awful lot of food for just two people_, she observed silently. _The delivery man must have other stops to make_, she surmised.

Opening her shoulder bag, Amy pulled out a silver compact with her initials engraved on it (another gift from Feisal among the jewelry) and quickly did a last minute check. She had forgone with putting on too much make-up, opting instead for just some mascara, a neutral blush and a light pink lip gloss that Penny had given her. She was forced to let her hair air dry it the car, Amy tried to smooth it out but it was no use. Her natural full waves were revealing themselves—she hoped she didn't look like a hippie. Amy put the compact away, her hand grazing against the red Netflix envelope at the bottom of her purse. She smoothed out her dress—the green silk. She had paired it with the new bronze flats and a solid black cardigan she already had.

She decided against the serpent bangle because it screamed "whore of Babylon" just a little too much. But to Amy's delight, among the trinkets was a thin gold necklace with tiny script "A" dangling from it. The charm fell right above the deep "V" of the wrap dress.

As she made her way to the fourth floor, the delivery man passed her again on his way back down and he looked considerably less friendly. No bags, she noted.

Once Amy made it to Sheldon's door, she stopped and adjusted her glasses.

_This is it._

_She knocked three times and then heard movement behind the door._

_Amy licked her lips and clutched the strap of her bag._

_Do or die time Fowler._

When the door opened Amy was greeted by a tall, slender middle aged woman in a black suit. Her sandy blonde hair was cut bluntly at her chin. She wore a single strand of white pearls and her eyeglasses were perched on the tip of her nose.

"Dr. Fowler, I presume." The woman said in an icy monotone. Amy was unnerved, but yet remained calm. "Yes, I am Dr. Fowler ... and who might you be?"

The woman sharply extended her hand to Amy, "I am Dr. Beverly Hofstadter".

Sheldon suddenly sprang like a jack-in-the box behind the tall woman and smiled, "Surprise!"


	7. The Walking Mood Killer

_**FYI, I am adding both chapters seven and eight in one shot. **__**Inspiration hit me like a truck over the weekend. **_

_**Reviews are welcomed. Standard disclaimers are applied. Enjoy! LLTS!**_

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><p>"You are <em>the <em>Dr. Beverly Hofstadter?" Amy croaked. "Beverly Hofstadter, the renowned neuroscientist, prominent psychiatrist and celebrated author?"

Dr. Hofstadter merely replied with a deep throaty snicker. Amy stood temporarily awestruck in the doorway while shaking her hand—the older woman had an incredibly firm grip. Amy held her ground and tried not to look pained while her dainty fingers were being aggressively squeezed together.

"Isn't it wonderfully fortuitous Amy?" Sheldon chimed, "She is giving a series of lectures in Alhambra this week and after my diligent efforts to persuade her …"

"He didn't have to try very hard to persuade me, especially when Sheldon informed me that I would meet you, Dr. Fowler." The tall brilliant woman interrupted and then exchanged a tight smile with the tall brilliant man.

Sheldon continued with giddiness, "… Beverly agreed to drive in and join us for our movie night!"

_Beverly? _

Amy instantly felt as though she swallowed a rock and it was sitting in the pit of her stomach. Had it been any other circumstance or _any other night_ she would be downright ecstatic to finally be introduced to the accomplished and eminent Dr. Beverly Hofstadter. Nevertheless, Amy was crestfallen.

"Yes … fortuitous." Amy pretended to agree with a strained voice and a strained smile to match.

"Well, don't just stand there like a vagrant Amy. Dinner just arrived!" Sheldon waved her in with pleased smile. Amy nodded, "Oh yes, of course." She followed Dr. Hofstadter and Sheldon into the apartment and immediately froze once she was inside.

Everyone was there.

Leonard sat in his usual beige chair, looking as miserable as Amy felt. Perched on the arm of the chair, to his left, sat Penny—sympathetically rubbing his back. Penny offered Amy a frown and immediately the biologist knew that the waitress/actress and her boyfriend had been bamboozled as well. On the leather couch, Sheldon's spot was empty (of course) as well as the spot next to it. Bernadette sat on the other end of the couch, while Howard sat to her right on Leonard's desk chair. Raj, sat with his legs crossed on the floor directly between Howard and Bernadette, nursing a low-carb beer.

Amy chewed on her bottom lip to avoid pouting; her bag began to dig into her as though she were suddenly carrying several bricks. "Good evening everyone." She said flatly while dropping the weight on her shoulder into Leonard's desk. The group greeted her warmly. Well, Leonard kind of grunted his hello. She turned away and removed her cardigan, draping it over Leonard's desk as well, attempting to camouflage her bag.

Amy supposed she could attempt to lie and tell Sheldon that she had forgotten the DVD, but she didn't want to look like an absent minded ninny in front of Dr. Hofstadter. Her only option, as far as Amy could figure was to own up to her selection and wait for the fallout. Amy's stomach made a tiny nauseated flip at the thought.

_Calm yourself, Fowler._

When she turned back around, she became even more unsettled when she noticed that they were all staring at her, with the exception of Dr. Hofstadter and Sheldon. Amy quickly observed that the distinguished visitor wasted no time in making herself comfortable in the spot next to Sheldon's and was now nonchalantly sipping a glass of water. For as long as Amy knew Sheldon, that middle space had always been _her_ unofficial spot. It disturbed Amy to sense that her base animal instincts were rising to the surface. She quite suddenly had the urge to reach for the nearest blunt instrument and crack the good doctor over head with it.

_Down girl!_

Howard, who had an amazed smile, finally broke the awkward silence, "Uh oh Bernie, I may have found the new future Mrs. Wolowitz." He winked at Bernadette, who simply shook her head and giggled back at him. "Oh Howie, you are too much!" Bernadette then beamed at her friend, "Your hair looks really pretty like that Amy."

Raj let out a long sultry whistle and hoisted a 'thumbs up'. Sheldon glared at the man on the floor, "No whistling—first warning Koothrapalli!" Raj just shrugged and took a sip of his beer.

Penny sprang up and did a little jog towards her friend, clasping her hands with Amy's, "You look great! That dress is fantastic!" Before Amy could respond, Penny had twirled her around as if they were on a dance floor. Amy's face reddened with embarrassment. "Sheldon, doesn't Amy look good?" Penny inquired, her eyes narrowing in on the physicist, who had just settled in his own spot and was about to tuck into his dinner.

Sheldon's mouth opened but nothing came out, his eyes moved over Amy's frame. She could tell he was systematically cataloging everything—her hair, the dress, the little gold "A". But, even after that, there was still no verdict. He was frozen in his spot with his dinner on his lap and chopsticks in his hand. Penny put her hands on her hips and hissed at Sheldon, "Well genius? Say something nice to your girlfriend!"

Sheldon blinked furiously out of his frozen state, "Penny, You have already told Amy how pretty she looks." He swallowed hard, "Wouldn't my saying it only serve to be redundant?" Penny ran her fingers through her long hair in frustration, "No, because you are her boyfriend and it would mean a lot coming from you."

Amy loved her Bestie, but in that moment she just wanted the sun-kissed goddess to shut the hell up. _Wait, Penny said "good" ... Sheldon said "pretty" ... _

Dr. Hofstadter's eyebrows went up ever so slightly. "Dr. Fowler, may I call you Amy?" Amy simply nodded.

"Amy, Sheldon tells me your lab is trying to determine whether or not jackals are still capable of high running speeds while on LSD."

Amy nodded again, "That is part of it, yes. We are actually attempting to ascertain whether or not their overall hunting skills, including speed are affected. But so far all they do is lick each other." She nervously glanced over at Sheldon, who seemed oddly fixated with his meal.

Amy was grateful when Leonard stood up and offered her the arm chair. While she sat down, Leonard wheeled over Sheldon's desk chair and offered it to Penny, who accepted with a smile. "Such a gentleman …" She purred, running her hand down his arm. Dr. Hofstadter leaned in towards Sheldon, "Overtly chivalrous gestures suggest an unexpressed need for approval …"

"Explain to me how offering a chair to a woman qualifies as an overt gesture?" Leonard asked in a high pitch whine. Amy was grateful again to him, for unintentionally taking the focus of her. Her eyes surveyed the coffee table that was overflowing with take-out, but in that moment she had no appetite to speak of.

Dr. Hofstadter pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose. "Leonard, if you had bothered to read my most recent book you would have noted the chapter devoted exclusively to those who subconsciously attempt to control their environment and the people in it. What you have always failed to grasp is that by forcing your self-serving expectations on others, you will, in all likelihood, strain those relationships or possibly end them." She ended her lecture by resting her eyes on Amy.

Amy could feel her face redden under the Beverly's cool gaze, but she met her squarely in the eye. She could have sworn the older woman had the tiniest smirk hanging on the corner of her mouth.

Leonard looked positively defeated, "It was a chair …" And again Penny found herself rubbing his back. "It's always great to see you Beverly." Amy's bestie said through gritted teeth. The older woman raised her glass of water to Penny, obviously missing the sarcasm, "You too Slugger."

Howard found himself obliged to point out what he felt was the obvious, "Hold on. If we are actually talking about people who attempt to control their environment and the people in it, then look no further. Dr. Pain-in-the-ass has got that covered." He then pointed to Sheldon with his own chopsticks.

_Dr. Pain-in-the-ass, that's amusing … but unnecessary, _Amy thought.

"Excuse me, but I resent that. I choose to lead an orderly life in order to maximize my overall efficiency. When have I ever tried to control anyone else?" Sheldon asked sincerely. Leonard snapped out of his funk just in time to laugh at this, "When are you NOT trying to control someone?" Raj added his own voice to the new topic. "I've got two words for you Dude, Roommate Agreement."

Howard nodded, "That's right! And what kind of anal retentive control freak draws up a relationship agreement for his girlfriend … Ouch! " He was quickly cut off by Bernadette's pinching fingers. "Howie, don't be mean." She whispered and then gestured with her chin towards Amy. Howard grumbled but didn't add anything else, he knew better than to sass his woman.

Sheldon's eyes locked with Amy's for a brief moment, giving her a sheepish look before addressing the group, "Alright, that's enough of that. We have a guest. Let's not bore her with your outlandish theories regarding who is controlling whom. Let's eat. "

For a few minutes they ate in silence, except for Amy who was pushing her food around her plate. So far the night had been an unmitigated disaster.

And they hadn't even gotten to the movie yet.

* * *

><p>Once dinner had concluded, Howard let out an exaggerated yawn, "Well … this has been … fun, but Bernie and I really need to get going. Big day tomorrow, we are taking Ma to get a pedicure." Penny's face scrunched up in confusion, "How is that a big day?"<p>

"It's because the only nail salon willing to touch his mother's feet is a three hour drive from Pasadena." Bernadette answered while buttoning up her trench coat. Penny cringed.

"I should get going too, I have a web chat with my parents—here's hoping they have found a new potential bride for me …" Raj said crossing his fingers.

Sheldon stood up, looking rather disappointed. "Wait, you're not staying for the movie?" Raj trailed behind Howard and Bernadette as they headed out the door, "Sorry Sheldon, but love won't let me wait."

As the door closed, Amy could hear Sheldon mutter "Ingrates".

Penny glanced over at Leonard and gestured toward Amy, Leonard nodded. "Um … actually Penny and I are really tired. Mother, maybe we should nix the movie? It's getting kind of late."

"Nonsense Leonard, your mother came over here for a _movie night_. " Sheldon said curtly.

Dr. Hofstadter smoothed out her black skirt and crossed her legs at the ankle. "That's right. Besides, I haven't had a chance to pick this young woman's brain yet." She replied in manner than exuded authority as her gaze once again fell on Amy. "But you two feel free to go to bed." She added.

Amy leapt up and busied herself by clearing off the coffee table and throwing out the delivery containers. "Let me help you with that Amy", Penny offered.

While in the kitchen, Penny whispered to Amy, "What are you going to do?" Amy shook her head and looked at Sheldon from the corner of her eye, "I really don't know." Penny looked as though she was thinking very hard; her features were contorted with concentration. "I could text you once I'm in my apartment and you can pretend it's like a family emergency or something and excuse yourself."

Amy thought for a bit, "In theory that sounds good Bestie, but I am a horrible liar. I get all sweaty, I start to giggle ... I just don't think I could pull it off convincingly. I'm not as talented a liar as you are—that's a total compliment by the way."

Penny smiled, "I took it as one."

Amy then threw her shoulders back and took a deep breath; throughout the evening she had been feeling challenged by the renowned neuroscientist, prominent psychiatrist and celebrated author. She was growing tired of wilting underneath her stare. She and Sheldon may not have had a conventional boyfriend/girlfriend dynamic, but he was still hers dammit—at least until the movie.

"I think the only course of action is to move forward with Project Angelina. Beverly Hofstadter be damned."

Penny looked worried, "Are you sure Amy? The woman is a walking mood killer. You and Sheldon won't be able to do anything while she's here."

Amy nodded, "I know, but the evening doesn't have to end in sex for the experiment to be a success…" She let out a small sigh, "… I started this to establish whether or not Sheldon can get … well… aroused. I can still note his breathing patterns, watch his pupils for dilatation, and periodically observe his groin area, stealthily of course, to determine whether or not he has an erection."

Penny grimaced at the plan, "Uh … yeah … good Luck with that."

"Thanks Bestie"

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter 8 ... coming right up!<strong> **Long Live the Shamy!**_


	8. A Kindness

**Chapter 8 peeps! Keep that feedback coming! ****Standard disclaimers applied. ENJOY! (Side note: I _loved_ writing Bev here!) **

**LLTS!**

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><p>After Penny and Leonard left for her apartment (apparently Leonard was spending his nights there again). Beverly excused herself to "urinate".<p>

While alone with Sheldon, Amy nervously pulled out the red Netflix envelope from her bag and handed it him without a word. She then closed the gap between them and looked up into his face, reveling in the soft scent of talc emanating from him.

Sheldon shrugged, "Well, I suppose that leaves just the three of us then …" He tilted his head at the envelope and then mechanically tilted it to the other side as he looked at his girlfriend. _My adorable Shel-bot_, she swooned.

"Amy … Original Sin? I hope it isn't a religious film, because I had my fill of those growing up in Texas." He asked with a slight pout.

"No Sheldon. It is not a religious film. It's a … well … Netflix categorized it as 'suspenseful'." Amy bit her lip, she had conveniently left out that it was also categorized as dark, romantic and steamy. Sheldon slowly glided the silver disc out and examined it, turning away from Amy he headed over to his DVD player and loaded it. Amy gulped, but took that opportunity to take back her seat on the couch next to Sheldon, figuring it could be the last time she ever sat there again.

_Dr. Frosty Pants would have to make due somewhere else._

Sheldon sat back down and placed the remote between them; he then reached for a fresh box of Red Vines and tore it open. "We will wait until Beverly returns. Isn't this exciting Amy? She's truly a remarkable woman." He gushed before biting into the sweet red rope; he then paused in mid-chew and held the box to Amy. It took her a few seconds to register the offer, but she quickly nodded with a grin and pulled one out. "Thank you Sheldon."

"At the risk of stating the obvious … ", He dropped his eyes as he swallowed, focusing on the candy in his hand. "That dress matches your eyes." Amy blushed but said nothing, it wasn't exactly a compliment, but it was a start.

They bit into their Red Vines at the same time as Beverly made her way back from the bathroom. She paused for a split second in the narrow hallway when saw where Amy had planted herself.

"We are about to start the movie Dr. Hofstadter … may I call you Beverly?" Amy couldn't help but smile. "Yes, of course dear." Beverly almost hissed as she made herself comfortable in Leonard's chair.

As soon as Sheldon turned off the lamp beside him, Amy began to lose her cool. She had no idea what to expect, perhaps should have watched the movie by herself first. _Too late now Fowler_, she internally groaned. Her brain had begun screaming at her. _This was a mistake!_ Amy's stomach began to curl, was the room spinning?

"What film did you select?" Beverly asked Amy, temporally pulling her from her semi-panicked state.

"Something called Original Sin." Sheldon answered for her. "I personally don't care for the title, but I'm willing to give it a go since Amy's last choice was more than adequate." He added, offering Amy a tiny nod of approval.

Beverly's hidden smirk finally revealed itself as it spread across her face. "Doesn't that movie feature Antonio Banderas?" Amy instantly felt her palms go cold and clammy. "Yes, I believe it does." Amy replied as indifferently as she could. Beverly's adjusted her eyeglasses and cleared her throat. "Then I regret to inform both of you that I have already seen this film."

Sheldon dropped both his hands into his lap, "Oh no! Well that is unfortunate." Amy blinked in confusion, "I don't understand … are we going to start the movie?" Sheldon clucked his teeth at her, "Not if Beverly has already seen it Amy."

Beverly spoke up, "You see Amy, I have a personal rule about movies and television. Once is quite enough. Sheldon knows this."

Sheldon sighed, "I apologize Beverly. I should have insisted that Amy tell me her choice beforehand to avoid this very thing, but she wanted to surprise me."

Beverly's lips came together in a smug tight smile, "I see."

Sheldon lifted himself off the couch and turned the table lamp back on. "Well it's no use crying over spilled Kool-Aid as my Mama would say. Would either of you ladies care for a cup of tea?"

"Tea would be lovely Sheldon. You are the only one who prepares it the way I like it." Beverly cooed. Sheldon beamed at this. "Tea sounds fine, thank you Sheldon." Amy added quickly. She couldn't determine whether or not to be relieved or infuriated.

She watched Sheldon longingly as he headed to the kitchen, clueless as to the spectacle of celluloid sex he dodged that night.

"So how long have you and Sheldon been—a couple? " Beverly inquired rather abruptly. Amy cleared her throat and tried not to bristle at the older woman's tone. She was unsure about this line of questioning. "Not long." Amy answered, pushing her glasses up her nose.

Beverly continued with her inquest in a lower voice, "And which of you initiated the relationship?"

"That would be Sheldon. Initially, we were friends … "

"… and now you've added a sexual component to your relationship? Thus, branding each other as boyfriend and girlfriend?" Beverly interrupted dryly.

Amy felt her rage bubbling in the pit of her gut, but she answered as calmly as she could. "I don't think Sheldon would appreciate my discussing the details of our relationship, Beverly. And frankly I don't think I appreciate your inquiry." Beverly sniffed at this, "I see. Perhaps Sheldon has failed to mention it, but he and I are close. We discuss a number of things."

"What kind of things?" Amy asked, her voice now betraying her anger. There were both highly intelligent women and highly respected in their fields, but Amy had to push down the primitive urge to leap over the coffee table and slap her.

Beverly continued casually, "Well, most recently we have discussed his work, the notes for my next book, Leonard's neediness and you, of course."

_Could that be true? Did Sheldon discuss every facet of his life with this … woman?_ She looked back over at Sheldon who was facing away from them. He was engrossed with the teapot on the stove. Amy hoped that his Vulcan hearing was not picking up on their hushed conversation.

"If you and Sheldon are as close as you claim …" Amy hissed "… then surely you already know whether or not we have added a sexual component to our relationship."

Beverly leaned back and sighed,"Alas, that particular topic has not arisen. But I find that the neuroscientist as well as the psychiatrist in me is incredibly curious." Beverly then took a moment to watch Sheldon, her eyes scanning him with interest. "I hoped you would be a bit more candid on the subject."

"Sorry to disappoint." Amy grumbled, crossing her arms. Beverly simply waved her hand, "No matter. My own observations tell me that you two are not 'knocking boots' as your friend Penny would say." Amy was about to offer her a vulgar retort that she had also learned from Penny when she heard Sheldon call out from the kitchen. "Milk or honey Amy?"

"I'm sorry Sheldon; I've changed my mind about the tea. I actually think I should be going." Amy stood up quickly went to retrieve her cardigan and purse from Leonard's desk—a ball of fury was brewing in her chest. She had to get out of there. Sheldon's eyebrows furrowed as he approached her, "Is something wrong Amy? You seem agitated."

"No, I'm just not feeling very well. " She fibbed—she found that with practice, she was getting better at it. Sheldon frowned, "It must have been the dumplings! I knew they smelled off!"

Amy had to admit part of her was impressed and a little intimidated by Beverly Hofstadter. She had been an avid fan of her work and followed her career with interest. However, Amy was ill prepared for how invasive the woman truly was.

"I'm sorry to hear you're not well Amy. I had hoped we could continue our conversation. Sheldon, you were correct, she is a fascinating young woman. "

Sheldon looked incredibly pleased at this remark, "Well, of course she is. I trust you can see yourself out Amy, I have to check on Beverly's tea … don't want the bag to steep too long." Amy felt a burning sting of jealousy in her heart. "Good Night Sheldon. Beverly." She said curtly, turning on her heel.

"One moment Amy", Beverly's voice rang out behind her. In the open doorway Amy looked over her shoulder to see Beverly removing the DVD from Sheldon's player and daintily slipping it into its original envelope. "We wouldn't want you to forget this. Perhaps you and Sheldon can enjoy it some other time? Although, I highly doubt someone with his intellect would be willing if he knew about the film's more … shall we say 'provocative' scenes?" Amy swallowed and glared at the taller woman, taking the red envelope from her roughly and shoving it in her purse. "Thank you."

Amy was about to leave again, when in a startling uncharacteristic gesture, Beverly placed a slender hand on Amy's shoulder and spoke with a somewhat softer tone. "Amy, I can see that you are angry. But, it is imperative to Sheldon's well-being that you weigh the consequences of your actions before behaving rashly. If you push him too fast, you may push him away."

Stiffening under Beverly's touch, Amy's voice became small. "I don't know what you're talking about." That time even Amy knew she didn't sound very convincing.

Beverly sighed and gave her a knowing smirk, removing her hand. "I think I understand what you were trying to accomplish tonight Amy. But please recognize that I did you a kindness."

Amy tried to wrap her head around the woman's words, "A kindness?"

Beverly nodded, "Yes, a kindness, I spared you from inevitable rejection and mortification. Did you really expect Sheldon Cooper to break from a lifetime filled with pathological fears in one night? I expect a woman of your aptitude to know better than that."

Amy said nothing, but she felt tears welling up in her eyes. _Damn it Fowler, do not cry. _

Beverly leaned in close, so close that Amy could feel her breath on her cheek. "If you find that your desire for sexual fulfillment with a partner does not dissipate over time, then I may have a solution that could satisfy your needs while sparing Sheldon any discomfort."

Amy blinked, curiosity getting the better of her, "A solution?"

Beverly nodded again and straightened up; she shot a quick look at Sheldon who was happily setting up two steaming mugs on a tray.

"Keep the brilliant Sheldon Cooper as your boyfriend, who will no doubt stimulate your mind, but take another man as your lover whose sole purpose is to stimulate your body. You are an attractive young woman with what I am sure is a healthy sexual appetite. I am positive you will have little difficulty finding a nice young man with whom you can collaborate with."

Amy stood there, eyes wide. She was both appalled and amazed at the woman's forthright and unapologetic suggestion, "Um … I ... I … good night Dr. Hofstadter." She stammered while quickly heading out the door and down the stairs.

"Good night Amy, sweet dreams."

When she was almost at the lobby, Amy lost her footing and tripped. She was able to catch herself on the railing before falling, but not before the contents of her purse spilled all over the lobby floor. Amy exhaled loudly, she wanted to scream and kick at the air but instead she collected her scattered belongings and tossed them in her bag.

_What a ridiculous notion! I love Sheldon and I couldn't possibly cheat on him. _

_Is it really cheating?_

_Of course it's cheating, Sheldon is my boyfriend. _

_A boyfriend you don't have sex with. _

_That doesn't matter. I love him and I am committed to him. _

_Does he love you? _

_I..._

_DOES HE LOVE YOU?_

_I...I don't know._

Penny's words from the previous night floated through Amy's head. _"Sheldon is … Sheldon." _

Penny was right. Sheldon was simply Sheldon. Why did she delude herself into thinking that a new dress and an R-rated movie could manifest into a whirlwind night of unbridled passion? (Or at the very least a sweaty flurry of heavy duty necking) This wasn't some dime store romance novel or a soap opera.

What she and Sheldon had worked. They had shared interests, challenged each other mentally and they enjoyed each other's company. She hadn't wanted to change Sheldon; she just wanted to know that he desired her as much as she desired him.

Amy grabbed her phone to toss it in her bag when her stomach rumbled loudly. She had been so nervous in Sheldon's apartment that she didn't eat a thing except for a single Red Vine.

She headed out of the lobby and into the balmy night air, deciding she would stop somewhere to pick up a slice of pizza. It was while walking towards her car that her stomach growled again. Amy figured she had better call ahead so her order would be ready when she got there. Unlocking her phone, she noticed that Oswald's message was still up—she hadn't bothered to close out of it before. After slipping inside her car, Amy stared at the phone.

_I am hungry. _

Amy ignored the anxious buzz in her ears as she dialed Oswald's number.

_It's just dinner. _

Amy caught her own eyes looking back at her in the rearview mirror.

_It is just dinner. _

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter 9 is in the works! Get ready to meet Oswald! Long live the Shamy!<strong>_


	9. Casa de Sevilla

**_Chapter 9 ya'll! _****_Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoy it! _**

**_Enter Oswald, stage right. _****_Jelly Shelly is waiting in the wings. LLTS!_**

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><p><em>"Hi, this is Oswald. Please leave a message and I'll get back to you when I can. Thanks, Bye."<em>

_***BEEEEEEEP***_

Amy gasped and quickly hung up. She thought she might be able to wing it if Oswald had actually picked up, but to leave a message was a horse of a different color. A voice mail had to be friendly, but not too friendly, detailed, but not overly so, casual, but not creepy …

**_*__I can't get no satisfaction, I can't get no satisfaction__.*_**

Amy jumped in her seat, knocking her knees into the steering wheel as Mick Jagger's voice (her default ringtone) shot out of her IPhone.

_***Cause I try and I try and I try and I try ….***_

It was the number she just dialed, Oswald's number calling her back. Her heart was thumping at an increased pace, but Amy attributed it to being startled a moment before. As Mick continued to sing of her woes, she debated whether or not she should answer the call.

"You can do this. You CAN do this." She chanted aloud. "It's just a friendly invitation—nothing more."

Tapping the little green 'Answer' button, she held the phone to her ear. "Amy Farrah Fowler speaking, kindly state your business." She barked in an almost military tone. _Ugh, smooth._

"Amy? Hi ... um ... did you just try to call me?" a male voice asked. Amy tried to relax her tone, "Heeeyyy buddy…" _Good grief, I sound like a stoner! Get it together woman!_

She instantly felt as if she were seventeen again, sitting in the corner by herself pretending to read her book while sneaking glances at Oswald while he and the cheerleading she-demon made out openly in the cafeteria.

"Why … yes … I did call you. But I accidently disconnected the call before I could leave a message." _Another lie_. _They just keep falling out of my mouth tonight._

"Oh, okay. Well … how have you been? It's been a long time."

"I am well." She finally breathed, "My health is excellent and my work is fulfilling—and yourself?"

The voice chuckled; Amy immediately experienced a tingle at the base of her spine. His voice was deep and rich, with just a touch of gravel in it. "I'm good—no complaints. My work is ... fine ..." His voice seemed to break off, she wasn't sure if he had cut out.

Amy listened intently, it sounded like he was outside. He heard various street noises in the background. "Is this a bad time?" She inquired.

"No, no, actually it's the perfect time." He quickly responded, "I just left ..." he cleared his throat, "the office."

Amy looked at the digital clock on her dashboard; it was nearly ten o'clock at night. "You're just getting out now? Do lawyers normally work that late?" Amy smacked her forehead and threw her head back against the seat, realizing the only way she would know he was a lawyer is if she stalked his Facebook profile.

There was a pause. "Um ... not always, it's usually when we have clients who insist we ... renegotiate an agreement." He yawned, "Oh, excuse me … and sometimes the especially needy clients figure with the money they are paying us that we have shouldn't have lives of our own. Since I'm the new guy, I really can't put up much of a fight."

Amy started to feel a little guilty, "You sound tired Oswald. I should have called during a more reasonable hour."

He chuckled again. "Oh, come on now, don't get all 'responsible adult' on me. I am glad you called Amy. You have no idea how badly I needed to hear a friendly voice after spending the last five hours hammering out ... um ... who gets the Fabergé egg, the sailboat and the 19 year old cat named Lord Liversnappington."

Despite herself, Amy snorted out a chuckle. "Lord Liversnappington?" Oswald's chuckle has risen up into a hearty masculine laugh, "I swear it! I cannot make that up, I am not that clever..."

"Well, I always thought you were clever …" She said without thinking. _Crap._ Amy stifled a groan, this time bringing her head down on the steering wheel.

There was an awkward pause, but Oswald broke the silence, "Well, that means a lot coming from you, Dr. Fowler." Amy noted that the slight grit to his voice almost sounded like a growl when he spoke in a lower register. She smiled against the steering wheel and found herself wondering if he was sporting his trademark smile on the other end.

She then thought about Sheldon and how his smile could instantly melt her heart, but he barely even looked at her tonight. All he did was avoid her and fawn over that middle-aged Amazon.

"Wow Amy, do you know what I just realized? I think this may be the first time you and I have actually spoken to each other. I kind of feel like a dick about that …" He trailed off. Amy knew for a fact that he was right. Not once in four years of high school had they spoken. Their one and only interaction had been that unforgettable smack on her backside during junior year. The tingle began to move up her spine as she recalled that day.

"It was high school Oswald. Society teaches children to break off into like-minded groups." She shrugged, "We just ran with different packs I suppose."

"I remember you being more of lone wolf Amy."

She knew he hadn't intended to, but it stung. Friendship had never come easy to her. For most of her life Amy always felt like an outsider, merely an observer watching the world through a window or from behind a book. On the other end, Oswald seemed to sense the tension. "Listen Amy, I didn't mean anything by that."

"Oswald it's perfectly fine, I'm fine. That was years ago …."

"I am glad you called Amy." he interupted. Amy blushed, "You've said that already, Counselor."

"So? Sue me."

There was a small shared laugh followed by another pause.

"Are you hungry?" Oswald suddenly asked. "Famished", was Amy's only reply.

* * *

><p>"<em>Turn right on Colorado Boulevard in 0.3 miles."<em> The sing-song automated voice of Amy's GPS system instructed.

As Amy continued to drive, she almost couldn't believe what about to happen. She was actually about to meet Oswald Montserrat, her high school dreamboat for a late supper. Normally she would be preparing for bed right now, either flossing or ironing her skirt for the next morning or ... still flossing.

_This is not a date_, she reminded herself. _I have a wonderful boyfriend who I love._

_Your wonderful boyfriend is probably bowing to that shrew's every whim right now. _

_Shut it._

Turning onto Colorado Boulevard, Amy began to scan the businesses for the place that Oswald had described over the phone. When she had initially thought to invite him out, she naturally assumed she would pick the place, considering he was as 'stranger in a strange land' as it were. Nevertheless, Oswald would not hear of it. He insisted he would treat her and introduce her place he had newly discovered the day before.

Apparently, when he wasn't working, Oswald was taking it upon himself to acquaint himself with the eateries and other shops around the area, which Amy thought was rather adventurous of him. But then again, Amy honestly couldn't remember the last time she dined somewhere that wasn't pre-approved by Sheldon and that included the Cheesecake Factory.

Amy finally noticed a modest red brick building sandwiched between a one of those big chain coffee houses and a closed bridal shop. It had a small black awning perched above it with large red cursive letters spelling out "Casa de Sevilla". _This is the place. _She and Oswaldhad agreed to meet in front of the restaurant at 10:30.

Her dashboard clock flashed 10:27. Amy wondered why she suddendly felt like she was about to go before a firing squad without her blindfold or last cigarette.

After circling the block twice, Amy found a suitable parking spot, a few businesses down from the restaurant. She then checked herself in the rearview, she noticed her mascara was slightly smudged under her eyes. _Crap_.

Quickly turning on her overhead light, she riffled through her purse for a tissue. She didn't want to greet Oswald Montserrat with the eyes of a worn out streetwalker. Her bag was a mess; she hadn't bothered to put her various essentials in their proper place when leaving Sheldon's. All she wanted at the time was to flee, especially after Beverly made that scathing suggestion. _How dare her!_ _The gall of that woman!_ Amy felt herself growing angry again at just the thought.

Sheldon had been more than enough—he had a certain incandesce about him, his genius radiated out of him like sunshine. And there was an incredible intimacy in their shared moments, albeit platonic.

Amy found a clean tissue buried in a pocket of her bag and lightly swept the stray black gunk from under her right eye, pushing her glasses up with her other hand.

Granted, Sheldon could be childish, hypocritical and judgmental. Not to mention his libido was locked up tighter than Fort Knox and the Federal Reserve combined. But she would just have to learn to tame her sexual desire for him. Perhaps even revisit Sheldon's suggestion of Kohlinar? Amy sighed, while moving to the her left eye.

But Amy certainly wasn't about to troll around for emergency cock, _thankyouverymuch_.

_*** I CAN'T GET NO SATISFACTION, I CAN'T GET NO SATISFACTION.***_

Amy glanced at the time. It was 10:44. _Crap! _

"Hello?" She sheepishly answered, preparing herself to be scolded for her tardiness.

"Amy, I'm here. Are you close?" Oswald's deep voice asked. "Yes, I just parked. Finding a spot took longer than antispated. I will be there shortly."

"Okay, no problem. See you in a few." He said casually before hanging up. Amy laughed at herself. She sometimes had to remind herself that Sheldon was the exception, not the rule. Although he would probably argue that his way should be the rule.

She quickly reapplied her lip gloss and checked her teeth for bits of Red Vine. Then after grabbing her belongings from the passenger side seat, cutting the engine, and fluffing up her hair one last time she headed out into the night like a downtown hipster chick. Heading towards the restaurant, she noticed there were now several people milling around in front. Some were smoking cigarettes and chatting, while one older gentleman with salt and pepper hair was leaning by the front door playing what looked to be a Spanish guitar. That sight alone would send Sheldon running into the other direction, howling something about Caligula. Amy observed him with a bit of wonderment. She was still in Pasadena, wasn't she?

Amy didn't see Oswald and realized she should have asked him what he was wearing so she could pick him out. She glanced around, shifting from one foot to another. Several of the men offered her smiles of approval. She blushed while avoiding their eyes. Then without warning there was a single cellophane wrapped yellow rose mere inches above her face, Amy flinched with a nervous giggle. The rose moved slightly to her left and in its place stood Oswald Montserrat.

Amy held her breath at the sight of him; he was taller than she remembered. She thought he could be as tall as Sheldon, he was definitely broader. _Yeah, he works out. _

His strong jaw and faintly dimpled chin presented a shadow of dark scruff and in the darkness of night; his coffee brown eyes almost looked espresso black. Nevertheless, they still lit up when he flashed that devastating smile. His parents got their money's worth with those braces. His hair was longer than in most of his Facebook photos and but it was still full, dark and silky. He had grown it out a bit at the sides and it made him look rather wild.

Oswald wore shiny black leather men's dress shoes, pressed black slacks with a light grey button down shirt with thin black pinstripes running through it. A few of the top buttons were open and Amy could see a black V-neck shirt peeking out. The street lamp reflected off his silver cufflinks as he held a black leather jacket in his free hand.

"Hola, Senorita Fowler. Welcome to Sevilla, Spain. I will be your tour guide this evening" his rugged voice greeted her. Actually, his imitation of a Latin accent was pretty convincing. Amy felt herself grinning from ear-to-ear, "Hi Oswald." She giggled again and then gingerly took the rose from him, "Thank you."

"Shall we?" he smirked while offering her his free arm. "I hope you like it. This place has the most amazing calamares fritos."

Amy nodded with a smile and took his arm as they made their way inside. "I am sure I will. One question though, what are calamares fritos?"

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter 10 in the works. Will Amy find comfort with Oswald? Will Sheldon freak? Until next time ... <strong>_


	10. Pepto

**Again, I want to thank each reader and each reviewer for taking the time to read my story. I am blown away with the responses that I have received and it's more than I expected. ****Truly, thank you so much.**

**Standard disclaimers are applied. (Listed on chapter one) ****Chapter 10! Woot Woot! Double digits baby! LLTS!**

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><p>Amy was laughing so hard that she almost had tears streaming down her face. She could barely clap in time with the blaring flamenco music as she watched Oswald dance on a long table with the short, portly owner of Casa de Sevilla, or as Amy came to know the jovial restaurateur, Felipe.<p>

Oswald and Felipe were ferociously stomping and clapping while they circled each other in quick, tight movements. Occasionally, the tiny balding man would spin himself quite impressively and then bring his arms up in a dramatic flourish, his face contorting with various emotions from one moment to the next. Oswald tried in vain to imitate Felipe's superior steps and his facial expressions, but much to everyone's amusement; it actually looked like he was attempting to extinguish a fire with his feet while making faces like a deranged ape. There was no question, Felipe had won the duel. Oswald finally threw his hands up in a gesture of defeat, "I give up!" He shouted, "He's too good! I know when to walk away!" The two men laughed and embraced each other, Oswald planting a loud kiss at the top of Felipe's shiny head.

Amy's eyes glided across the modest dining room filled with an assortment of smiling people while she nibbled on a juicy marinated olive. _Those sure are tasty._ The lively bunch ranged from young to old. Some wore blue jeans and t-shirts, some in their office attire and a few looked dressed for the red carpet. There was no rhyme or reason in this place, it was chaos. And Amy was thoroughly enjoying it. It almost made her forget about Beverly ... almost.

She found that the eclectic collection of mismatched tables and chairs gave the space a more cozy and unstructured feel. Amy smiled to herself, never in her life had she used the word '_unstructured_' as a positive for anything and she was certain Sheldon would view dancing on tables as a violation to some kind of health code. There was a large wall of exposed brick and nearly every inch was covered with photographs hung up in no particular order. Some of the images were color, some in black and white. A handful of tarnished brass pendant lamps were scattered across the ceiling emitting a dim glow of yellow light, while red votive candles in small glass jars adorned every table, except on the table reserved for battle.

The last few hours of Amy's night had been a blur of food, music, laughter and more food. Oswald has been correct, this wasn't Pasadena. Tonight they were in Spain.

Still cheering him on, even after his brutal defeat, Amy watched Oswald leap off the table in one nimble jump and head towards their smaller round table. "It was a noble effort Sir, well done." She said while patting him on the back after he plopped himself down next to her. "That man is a beast." He panted. She passed him chilled glass of water to him, which he gratefully took with a smile before draining the glass in several long gulps. Since both of them were driving, they had been toasting with water all evening.

"You should give it a try you know." Oswald said pointing to the table. Amy pretended not to hear as she sipped her own water. Oswald smirked, leaning as he whispered into her ear, "Come on, Doctor. Satisfy that scientific curiosity, I won't tell anyone."

Oswald's scent was something woody and aromatic. It wasn't Sheldon's innocent fragrance of talc, which she loved. However, Oswald's wasn't entirely unpleasant. In fact, his scent was rather alluring—_but not like my Sheldon_, she added mentally.

"I am hardly curious. Believe it or not I have danced before." She said, attempting to force an impassive look on her face, but instead betraying herself with a small smile as she remembered that night with Sheldon, followed by their first kiss. Oswald plucked an olive from the tiny clay bowl between them, "But have you danced on a table? That dress needs to be shown off and so does the woman wearing it" he teased before popping it into his mouth. She let her index finger swirl around the rim of her glass, "No, I have never danced on a table, nor do I have a desire to dance on said table."

Oswald pouted and clutched his chest as if he'd been shot. "You're killing my soul!" He wailed in a cry of mock pain, this time with a fake English accent. She snorted and rolled her eyes, "Oswald, employ theatrics if you must, but I maintain that have no interest in dancing on that table. Inviting potential injury in front of a captive audience is not on my bucket list." There was a pause as he watched her curiously and then a Cheshire cat grin spread across his face.

"Well?" She asked but he said nothing while continuing to stare at her. "Oswald?" Still there was nothing but that delicious smile. "Speak up Counselor." She commanded with a nervous laugh. Finally, his grin dimmed into an amused smile, "Oh, nothing Doctor. I was just thinking how fantastic you are." Amy rolled her eyes again, "Shallow attempts at flattery will not get me on that table either Oswald."

Oswald straightened up in his seat, placing his large hand on hers tenderly. "I mean it. Tonight has the best night I've had in a long time. You are … nothing short of amazing Amy Farrah Fowler. I only wish it hadn't taken me twelve years to figure that out." Amy's stomach began to flutter nervously; she looked up from the hand that was touching hers and into his face. His smile was gone. He looked serious now, very serious. His dark eyes were intense, almost burning her.

_You are not for him. _This particular inner voice was not hers, it was Sheldon's.

Amy quickly turned from him, snatching her hand away rather abruptly. She grabbed her napkin and began wringing it to occupy her hands. It was a childhood habit that she never quite grew out of. "Oswald, I should have informed you earlier of this, but I wasn't entirely sure how to mention it …"

Oswald sighed, "You have a boyfriend. Yes, I know."

She looked at him quizzically, "You know? I mean, you knew … How?" Oswald's cocked his head to the side, "It's on your Facebook profile Amy."

Amy was stunned at herself. _How could I have forgotten about that? _

It had happened on what Amy considered to be one of the best afternoons of her life. Exactly one month after she and Sheldon had officially signed the Relationship Agreement, she was in the lab, well, actually she was in the ladies room drying her hands when the alert tone of her IPhone went off.

_**Sheldon Cooper has changed his status to 'in a relationship' with Amy Farrah Fowler. **_

She remembered yelping in surprise, effectively startling one of the interns in a nearby stall. She almost couldn't believe that he'd done it, but there it was and she was so incredibly proud that after apologizing to the intern, she texted Penny and Bernadette immediately.

"Oswald, if you knew then why did you invite me out?" She asked.

Oswald crossed his arms, "If you have a boyfriend, then why accept my invitation?" He wiggled an eyebrow at her.

He had her there.

"Touché" she was all said, raising her glass of water to him. She didn't want to admit that it had been a mixture of curiousity and anger that lead her there.

"Listen Amy, it isn't my intention to break up a perfectly happy couple. I've been on the other end of that years ago ... and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I just really wanted to see you and I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable …" he seemed a little disheartened.

Amy then placed her hand on his shoulder, "No, Oswald. This has been wonderful and you have been a perfect gentleman … it's just … I love Sheldon."

Oswald nodded, his happy-go-lucky mood fading a bit, "I just hope the man knows how lucky he is."

Amy bit her lip; suddenly a wave of bitterness came over her. Yes, she loved Sheldon and accepted him as he was, but sometimes she wondered if would ever accept her fully and love her back.

There was also the added question of whether or not he'd ever embrace her physical desire for him and match it with his own.

_Push him too fast and you may push him away._

To Amy's annoyance, that damned Beverly had been correct about Amy's sexual appetite because she was starting to feel the hunger pains.

Over the last two weeks her rendezvouses with Gerard (actually Gerard IV) were now a daily occurrence—sometimes twice a day. She appreciated Gerard and his battery operated vigor, but it wasn't enough anymore. Amy felt like she had spent her adult years dining on lettuce and right now what she wanted more than anything was a thick juicy slab of Sheldon Cooper.

She wanted Sheldon's hands, his lips, his thighs and everything in-between, including his guarded heart.

Amy yearned to know what he looked like in the shower, what sweet noises would be make if she were to nibble on his ear, would he orgasm with a loud guttural moan or in soft breathy gasps? She pictured him helpless under her, playfully over her, uninhibitedly behind her …

Amy simply wanted too much.

"Amy, are you chanting?" Oswald asked, his voice bringing her back into herself. "What was that?" She croaked.

"It sounded like you were chanting ... _colon are_?" He said while his eyebrows knitted with confusion. Amy's cheeks flushed, "I suppose I'm just tired, I don't normally stay up this late. Could we get the check? I think I'd like to go home now and get to bed."

Oswald smiled, "Of course" He then waved to the waitress, who nodded in reply as she finished loading a tray with various entrées for another table. In the waitress's haste, she hadn't noticed the napkin that a careless customer had dropped on the floor, directly in her path. Stepping on it, she immediately slipped, falling forward. Amy saw a blur of movement as Oswald leapt into action and reached for the girl, effectively catching her before her face could violently hit the wooden floor.

Unfortunately, he was not able to stop the tray from crashing onto the ground causing the contents to splatter up right at Amy. Her mouth dropped as she let out a silent gasp, her hands frozen in front of her. After quickly checking on the waitress, Oswald was right at Amy's side, "Amy, are you okay?" He asked, genuinely concerned as he gently picked was looked to be thin slices of potato out of her hair.

"Yes, yes I am physically unharmed. However, emotionally I am rather fragile right now." She answered in a low voice, not want anyone to hear. She looked down at her dress, it was ruined. "I really want to go home now Oswald." Amy was now fighting back tears for the second time that evening.

Oswald quickly stood up and began yanking his dress shirt up and out and his pants, "What are you doing?" She asked him, suddenly distracted from the chunk of tomato sliding down her chest.

"You can't go home in that dress, you'll stink up your car. Trust me that roasted garlic smell takes forever to go away." He said while unbuttoning the shirt, undoing the cuff links and then roughly pulling it off. Amy observed several of female patrons taking notice of Oswald's impromptu strip down. He stood over her, now just in his black V-neck undershirt. Amy gulped when she saw how toned his arms where. _Yep, he most definitely works out. _

"Oswald, I can't take your shirt." Amy protested, but he gently took her by the elbow and guided her up. "No arguments Doctor. Go to restroom, take that dress off, get cleaned up and put this on. It should be as long enough for modesty's sake, but I wouldn't be heartbroken if it were a bit shorter." He teased.

She hesitantly took the shirt from him and nodded. "I won't be long."

Grabbing her purse and cardigan, she headed in the direction of the restroom. As she approached the door, she glanced back to see Oswald settling the bill.

_Oswald really is a gentleman. Maybe we can be friends._

_Friends with benefits?_

_No, just friends. I have a boyfriend. _

_Yes, a boyfriend with no benefits. _

_That's not fair, Sheldon comes with many benefits. _

_He could use one more. _

* * *

><p>After tossing the ruined silk dress in a waste bin, Oswald walked Amy over to her car. He had been right; the shirt was indeed long enough, hitting her right above her knees. She felt a little foolish walking down Colorado Boulevard in just a men's dress shirt, but she was too tired to care much about it.<p>

If Beverly thought Leonard offering a chair was an overtly chivalrous gesture, then what would she think of this?

Amy was able to clean herself up admirably in the tiny restroom and was grateful that the various sauces hadn't seeped through the dress, ruining her lace underthings. Although, she didn't know why she should care, it wasn't like anyone else would be seeing them. She was also able to get the food out of her hair; then she put it up in a high ponytail to get it off her neck.

"I hope you had a good time tonight Amy, in spite of the raining potatoes." Oswald said rather sheepishly.

She offered him a smile, "I did. In spite of that."

"I'd like to see you again, if that's alright?" Oswald said quietly, he looked rather shy all of the sudden. She raised an eyebrow at him and he quickly added, "Just as friends, I swear it. No funny business." He then reached over to her and popped up the collar of the shirt, followed by a small step back to admire his handiwork.

Amy shook her head at him amusedly, then looked up at the sky, it was a starless night. "I think I'd like that too."

* * *

><p>As Amy trudged up the stairs in her building, she realized her body was aching a bit from the unusually long day she had. It was two in the morning, which meant she would only have a few hours of sleep before she had to get ready for work. She already knew she was going to have a hell of time in the lab attempting to stifle her yawns. Amy tried to stay as quiet as she could in the hallway, as not to disturb her neighbors. Gently, she put the key in the door and slipped inside the darkness of her apartment.<p>

Once inside, she kicked off the bronze flats, and tossed her purse and cardigan on a small table by her front door.

Suddenly, a light switched on from somewhere in her living room. Spinning around with a frightened gasp she saw Sheldon, sprawled across her couch rubbing his eyes with his left hand. He was fully dressed and he was clutching a small pink bottle of Pepto Bismol in his right hand.

"Where in the blue blazes have you been Amy?" He demanded to know through a yawn. "I have been here for hours."

"Sheldon, what are you doing here? It's the middle of the night! Wait, you're not having another bongo tantrum are you?" Her heart was racing due to the sudden scare and Amy was in no mood to play a duet on her harp, as much as she enjoyed it.

Sheldon stood up and waved his hand, "Hold on there, I'll ask the questions … do you have any idea how worried I was? I thought you had succumbed to food poisoning from those odious dumplings."

Amy sighed, removing her eyeglasses and pinching the bridge of her nose. "Thank you for your concern Sheldon, but as you can see I am perfectly …"

"What are you wearing?" He abruptly asked.

Amy stared at him; unable to register his inquiry. She was just too damn tired.

"Amy, are you wearing a man's shirt?" He blinked as he asked this, his head titling slightly.

She looked down at herself and her stomach clenched at the realization that she had just come home at two in morning wearing Oswald's shirt.

_Shit. _

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 11 is in the works. Long live the Shamy!<strong>


	11. Unacceptable

**_I hit 100 reviews! Air's gettin' pretty thin up here! But I am greedy, I want more! _**

**_I will continue to rate as "M", although it's been pretty tame so far. But trust me, there will be stronger language, sexual content and adult themes in later chapters. I'm just getting warmed up ya'll. _**

**_As usual, constructive criticism is very much welcomed, however flames are not. Keep the hate to yourself. Long Live the Shamy!_**

_**Chapter 11, hot off the press! Enjoy!**_

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><p><em>Grace under pressure, <em>Amy coached herself. _You have not done anything wrong. _

_Okay, maybe tonight was unexpected, but it was just some harmless fun with old classmate. _

_Oh God, should I lie? I don't want to lie, not to him. _

_Then stay calm and speak rationally … and truthfully. _

"Yes Sheldon. I am wearing a man's dress shirt." She said matter-of-factly, looking him right straight in his big blue eyes. There was a long strained pause as she waited for his reaction. Amy could hear the distant vibration of the occasional car outside. She balled her hands into fists and tried to keep his eye contact, but he severed the connection in order to survey her appearance again. The grogginess in his eyes was gone and replaced with a look Amy had only ever seen when he was stuck on a particularly thorny series of equations. Or as Leonard dubbed it, Sheldon's "Ball pit" face.

Normally, Amy could guess Sheldon's moods and interpret his expressions easily; he had proven himself to be a creature of predictably, consistency and order—his own brand of order that is. But, much to her discomfort, she couldn't read him now.

Finally, after an excruciating silence, he spoke "But, why are you wearing a man's shirt?"

Yes! She knew that face. _Perplexed._

He continued, "As far as I know it isn't Halloween. And even if it were, that would be a terrible costume choice—it makes no sense."

She knew that face as well. _Perturbed._

He scoffed, "Unless you're supposed to be my Uncle Hank on a bender, then its spot on."

Amy heaved an audible sigh; realizing in that moment, that it served no purpose to attempt to deceive him because even with his astoundingly complex mind, he was still somewhat naive and had never been exposed to the kind of betrayal that this type of situation alluded to. Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper was one of the greatest minds in the world, but he was hardly a man of the world. It was one of the things that both charmed and frustrated Amy to no end.

"My dress was ruined tonight and I could not wear it home." She explained as she took a seat on her sofa and gestured for him to sit beside her. While processing this information, he complied and joined her on the couch. "I don't understand Amy. Where do you go?"

She took a breath and thought for a moment, "After I left your apartment, I went to meet someone for dinner …"

"But we had dinner Amy." He interrupted "You can't have two dinners in one night, I tried once …" He put his fingers to his chest, "… awful heartburn … that was the night I lost my hot dogs to a hell hound."

Amy shook her head, "No Sheldon, you had dinner. I didn't eat mine. You just didn't notice." She corrected. She fought to urge to include the point that he had been so busy praising the brilliance of Beverly Hofstadter to notice much of anything else. But, she kept that comment to herself. As her mother would say, "_No one likes a bitter Betty, Amy"._

Sheldon bristled at this, "Well I certainly did notice my texts being ignored. What is the point of a 'girlfriend' if she is not available because she is too busy whooping it up like a washed up former child actress."

"What are you talking about Sheldon?" She took a slow breath again; her irritation was beginning to show.

He puffed out in annoyance, "Amy I texted you several times tonight after you left and when you didn't respond … I thought perhaps you were suffering from excessive vomiting and explosive diarrhea, which as you know can lead to dehydration … So, I brought you Pepto…" he briefly held the bottle up. "… And there is a gallon of Gatorade in the refrigerator to help replenish your electrolytes."

A stab of guilt began to poke her in the ribs. Amy realized she hadn't bothered to check her phone at all after meeting Oswald at the restaurant. Once inside, it was so action packed with music and chatter that she couldn't possibly have heard her phone.

"Sheldon, I wasn't ignoring you." She cautiously touched his forearm, when he didn't flinch, she rubbed gently. "I would never ignore you." She reassured him.

"Well then, why didn't you reply? You always reply." He said softly, his look of concern returning, but this time without the neurotic panic intertwined with it.

"Well" She cleared her throat, "As I was just saying … I met someone for dinner. The establishment was rather crowded and noisy so I can only assume that is why I didn't hear my phone."

Sheldon shook his head, "Amy I still don't understand. Why did you leave our movie night to have dinner with someone when you said you weren't feeling well?"

_Here we go. _

"Sheldon, I did not leave your apartment with the intention of meeting anyone. That was a spontaneous act on my part. It just happened…"

"What exactly _just happened_?" Sheldon asked suddenly, over articulating his words. His eyes narrowed over her frame, as if he were just seeing Oswald's shirt for the first time. She removed her hand from his arm. Her insides began tighten with apprehension; perhaps she'd have use for the Pepto after all.

_Oh boy, maybe he's not as naive as I thought. _

_Maybe you should lie now. _

_No, I did not do anything wrong. _

_That 'walk of shame' look says otherwise. _

Amy took a breath, "Sheldon, it was just dinner …"

"Amy Farrah Fowler, did you lie to me?" He asked, his eyes widening as if he already knew the answer.

"Technically …" She began softly.

"Technically?" He spat back.

"Technically, I did perpetrate a small deception that I was unwell in order to leave the apartment, but it was because I was rather emotional and highly upset. Again, I maintain that I did not leave with the intention of meeting anyone." She said it as quickly as she could, hoping to keep Sheldon's rising tide of anger at bay.

Sheldon paused, to Amy's relief his eyes softened. His gaze then broke off from hers as his shoulders slumped a bit. "Poor Beverly …" he sighed.

"What about Beverly?" Amy blinked, unable to withhold the venom as she said the harpy's name.

Sheldon placed the bottle of Pepto down on her coffee table and stood up, "Shame on you Amy. Beverly was so looking forward speaking with you and was even gracious enough drive me here to check on you after you failed to respond to my texts."

_So that's how he got here._

"Sheldon, I am sorry that you were worried and I am sorry that I lied, but don't you want to know why I was upset?" Sheldon waved a dismissive hand at her, "Oh please, I know why you were upset. It doesn't excuse your behavior."

Amy cocked her head, "Oh, you know do you? By all means, enlighten me Dr. Cooper." Amy could sense her fuse was getting shorter by the second.

Sheldon sighed with his trademark haughty derision, _"_Amy, as someone who often intimidates others with his brilliance it's not uncommon for lesser minds to feel inferior…"

Amy shot up to face him, well his chest anyway, "Hold the phone there mister, are you implying that I was intimidated by Beverly Hofstadter's brilliance and pretended to be ill because I felt inferior?"

Sheldon crossed his arms, "Well, it's only logical. The woman is a marvel."

Amy's mouth dropped in a perfect "O"

_Only logical? A marvel? Of all the condescending … _

Despite herself, Amy poked him in the center of his chest, hard."I could give you half a dozen reasons why I left Sheldon. Maybe I left because it was supposed to be our movie night—alone. Or maybe I left because all through dinner I had to sit there and listen to that 'marvel' demoralize Leonard, belittle Penny and hint at Howard and Rajesh's latent homosexual love for each other in front of Bernadette."

She began to raise her voice. "Or maybe I left because my boyfriend was too busy mooning over her to pay any attention to me. Or maybe it was because Beverly informed me how 'very close' the two of you are and how you discuss everything together."

Amy took a large breath, "Or maybe it was because the remarkable Beverly Hofstadter was grilling me about our non-existent sex life!"

Sheldon rubbed the spot where she had poked him, his eyebrows furrowed as he gave her a child-like pout. "Ow"

Amy plopped herself down on the couch with a huff, "So I lied. I told you I didn't feel well because I had to get out of there Sheldon. I was angry, hurt and jealous, but not because of Beverly's accomplishments or her intellect but because she seems to know you better than I do and she made me feel like …"

Sheldon stared down at her; his was still rubbing the spot on his chest. "Like what Amy?"

Amy swallowed hard, pushing down the angry sob that threatened to bubble up, "Her observations forced me to consider the possibility that perhaps I am not good enough for you. Sheldon, in a nutshell, the whole debacle with Beverly made me feel … cheap."

"Cheap? Why?" He asked, still hovering over her. Amy looked down at her hands, they were trembling. "Because I can't help but want _something_ that you believe to be beneath you. Beverly is very intuitive, I'll give her that." Amy sniffed.

Sheldon finally sat back down beside her; she didn't dare look at him. Her nerves were raw and she regretted raising her voice a moment before. She hated it when she lost her temper; it made her feel like a hormonal teenager again. Amy tried to prepare herself for the outcome, taking slow and steady breathes.

Sheldon spoke softly, almost timidly, "Amy, the 'something' that you spoke of … its sex isn't it?" Amy's head snapped up, not because he asked that question but because he didn't use the word 'coitus'. She absent-mindedly began to wring the bottom of Oswald's shirt in her hands, unintentionally (or maybe subconsciously) exposing a few more inches of her bare legs.

Amy wasn't sure how to answer, even though there was only one answer. So biting her lip, she slowly nodded.

Once she confirmed it, his eyes fell to her legs. "Who were you with tonight Amy?" He asked calmly, but she noticed his jaw clench.

Amy hands wrung the fabric tighter, "He … he was someone I went to high school with. He just moved here from New York. It was just dinner …"

"Is that his shirt?" She heard his voice clearly drop an octave.

She nodded slowly again, his sensed her response although his eyes never left her legs. _Why is he staring at my legs? _She let go of the bottom of the shirt and spread out the fabric as much as she could over her thighs. The movement triggered him to look at her. They were making eye contact and again to Amy's distress, she could not read his facial expression. _Scared? Homicidal? Indifferent?_

"How was your dress ruined Amy?" His voice stayed eerily calm, however his chest heaved slowly while his nostrils flared just the tiniest bit.

"A waitress slipped and dropped her tray … everything splattered … on me. Oswald offered his shirt so I wouldn't drive home in a filthy dress." She answered meekly.

Sheldon's left eye twitched slightly, "Oswald" he repeated, almost hissing it.

Amy nodded a third time, "Yes, Oswald. After I left your apartment, he and I agreed to meet for dinner."

He twitched again, "You went on a _date_ with this Oswald character?"

She straightened up, "No Sheldon. It was not a date. He knows I have a boyfriend …"

"Did you engage in coitus?" He asked abruptly, the twitch was becoming more pronounced.

"Sheldon … what kind of question …"

"Did you and this Oswald engage in coitus?" He asked again, only faster. She noticed that a thin vein in his neck jumped.

"No!" Amy shouted, but then she quickly regained herself. "No Sheldon, Oswald and I did not have sex." She took a deep breath, "Think about this sensibly Sheldon, I am friends with Penny; therefore I enjoy the social paradigm of hanging out with Penny. I am now friends with Oswald, an old high school acquaintance; therefore I can also enjoy the social paradigm of spending time with him."

She felt her reasoning to be sound and logical. Let him try arguing with that.

Sheldon's eye finally stopped, he looked at Amy as though he was considering what she just said, his mind processing everything that had just transpired. She watched as his eyes seem to study an invisible screen in front of her face, as his eidetic memory replayed everything back.

"Unacceptable." he said in a robotic tone.

* * *

><p><strong><em>Babies, I was so excited writing this one chapter than it turned into THREE. I am mainlining Diet Coke as I type! <em>**

**_It's getting' juicy … like a strawberry! *wink wink* Chapters 12 & 13 coming right up!_**


	12. Naughty Rabbit

_**Chapter 12. **__**I added chapters 11-13 in one shot! If you haven't read 11, this chapter won't make too much sense. LLTS!**_

_**Standard disclaimers applied. **_

* * *

><p>"Wait. What is unacceptable Sheldon?" Amy asked.<p>

Sheldon stood up briskly, "Amy ... I forgive you for lying to me about being ill. It was unacceptable for Dr. Hofstadter to pry into our private affairs and I shall address the matter accordingly."

Amy was a little surprised by this, but grateful for the reprieve. "Thank you Shel…"

"I'm not finished." He snapped, pointing a single finger down at her with authority. "It is also unacceptable that you thought, even for a single moment, that you are somehow not good enough for me. Amy, I have done the math and there is no one, you hear me, no one better suited to me than you. Amy Farrah Fowler, you are more than just good, you are exceptional." He finished curtly.

His tone may have been stern, but Amy felt her heart swell in her chest.

"Furthermore … furthermore …" His crossed his arms tightly around himself. "It was unacceptable for you to go to dinner with this … Oswald. Therefore, you are forbidden from seeing him again."

Amy's eyebrow went up, "I'm forbidden?"

"Yes, forbidden." He repeated "You are _my_ girlfriend Amy and as such it is unacceptable for you to 'hang out' with strange men. Especially since you admitted to wanting … " His voice broke off, his mouth tightened and he began to look everywhere but at her.

"Sheldon Lee Cooper. Look at me." She said firmly. He obeyed, but his mouth was still scrunched on his face. "Sit down" Again, he obeyed.

"There is something you need to understand right now." She inched closer to him, but not so close to make him squirm. "Yes, I am sexually frustrated. However, that does not mean I have somehow lost control of my higher brain function and will bed any man who pays attention to me. I recognize and accept the reality of our relationship. Ours is a connection of the mind, not the body. And despite what Beverly suggests, I will not take a lover merely to satiate my carnal desires."

Sheldon's eyes nearly popped out of his head. "You must have been mistaken. Yes, she inadvertently crossed a line by asking you about … well, you know. But that was just her scientific curiosity …"

Amy cut him off, "I know she was trying to help, in her own special way." Amy hid her sleepy smirk; perhaps she shouldn't have mentioned it.

"She offered it as a solution Sheldon. I believe her exact words were … _Keep the brilliant Sheldon Cooper as your boyfriend, who will no doubt stimulate your mind, but take another man as your lover whose sole purpose is to stimulate your body_." She repeated, imitating Beverly's icy monotone for effect. "She said it would spare you any discomfort."

"Well, it assuredly would not." He grumbled.

Amy smiled internally, savoring her tiny victory. She decided to take it a step further. "But Sheldon, wouldn't it be a relief for you? You wouldn't have to worry about cuddling, kissing or my attempting to have my beasty way with you … on this very sofa for example." He shot her a suspicious look.

"We could simply enjoy each other as we always have. Nothing would need to change with us if we were to allow someone else ..." She yawned, "… to pleasure me."

Sheldon eyes quickly moved away from hers, he went stone silent.

Amy watched him quietly in the slience of her living room, her tired eyes felt as if it they were slowly drowning, she was so sleepy ... but her eyes gently fluttered back open when she noticed that Sheldon had closed his own eyes and began muttering under his breath.

"Sheldon?"

No reply, he simply continued to mutter with his eyes closed. _Ugh, Kohlinar again …_

Gradually, his muttering grew louder and she could finally understand what he was saying.

"Change is the essential process of all existence. Change is the essential process of all existence. Change is the essential process of all existence. Change is the essential process of all existence …"

Amy was mystified as she watched him chant. This mantra didn't sound like any Kohlinar meditation she had heard from him before. _Change is the essential process of all existence? That didn't even sound like Sheldon …_

Suddenly, Sheldon's bright eyes opened. He was quiet, too damn quiet for her liking. Something was brewing in him; it was unnerving not to be able to decipher his mood.

Before she knew what was happening, a forceful grunt rolled out of his throat and she felt herself being pushed back onto the couch, her upper back and shoulders banging into the arm rest, "Sheldon!" She squealed. Instantaneously, her legs were being roughly dragged by her outer thighs, sliding her down until her upper body lay completely flat on the sofa. He sat up with one knee on the couch directly in front of her, his other leg firmly planted on the ground. He was staring straight into her eyes; he was breathing in short and hard puffs and had he a determined look on his face.

She had never seen him like this; it was enthralling to say the least. "Sheldon…" she whimpered, hoping at long last that her prayers were being answered.

"Do you desire coitus with another man Amy?" He asked gruffly.

"No Sheldon." She replied with a shallow breath.

He knelt down over her slowly, smiling a slow, predatory smile as he planted his hands on the arm rest now above her head. Amy's legs spread of their own accord, welcoming his weight on top of her. His broad shoulders eclipsed her beneath him and she licked her lips like a woman dying of thirst, in anticipation of his kiss. But instead he placed himself softly cheek to cheek with her, his mouth pressed against her ear.

"It would appear that there is a naughty rabbit sniffing around Farmer McGregor's strawberry patch.", he whispered.

The feeling of his breath warming her neck made Amy shiver.

Sheldon then slowly ground his hips deliberately against hers; she could feel the firmness of his erection concealed in his khakis pressing against the sheer layer of her lace panties, but before she could truly enjoy the sensation, the delicious torture abruptly stopped. Amy let out a small groan of disappointment and began moving her own hips up in languorous circles. Sheldon smirked as he pushed himself up onto his knee again, the sight of her own bare legs spread before him made her blush profusely and she instinctively began to bring her knees together.

Sheldon would have none of that. He grasped her from behind each knee, pressing her bent legs closer to her chest while firmly holding them apart; Amy gasped his name and halfheartedly tried to push away against his forearms, "Sheldon…"

"How are we going to keep that naughty rabbit from ravishing this lovely strawberry patch Amy?"

He was staring at her, but not into her eyes anymore. His eyes were intensely focused between her spread legs. _Oh God. _She squirmed under him, but he held her securely in place. She was embarrassingly wet now and she was sure Sheldon could tell through the flimsy material of her underwear.

As he openly gazed at her wet spot, Sheldon's tongue slowly escaped to moisten his bottom lip, a small thoughtful sigh joining it. "I suppose … the only logical way is to eat all the strawberries myself."

Amy's heart was thrashing within her chest like a caged animal. _He didn't mean … oh God._

Sheldon nodded, "Yes, that is exactly what I will do." He said calmly, his Texan drawl finally revealing itself. "I can tell they are ripe and ready for pickin' … and I'll be damned before I let anyone else have'em."

Amy felt as if any moment she would weep from the sheer rawness of it all. _Please, do it Sheldon._

Sheldon slid down off the couch and onto the floor, pulling her legs with him, forcing her to twist her torso that she was in a reclined sitting position. He situated himself, kneeling in front of her and in two rough movements he threw her legs over each one of his shoulders at the knees, hoisting her hips upward so that her thighs created the perfect "V" mere inches below his chin.

He pushed up the fabric of Oswald's shirt, exposing her abdomen and then gently he rested his cool cheek on her burning flesh as if she were his favorite pillow. He closed he eyes and for a moment she saw the sweet, innocent Sheldon. She wanted to stroke his silky hair and cradle his perfect face in her hands, but her arms were rooted to the spot, she was unable to move or barely think. Her hands clawing and kneading the edge of the couch cushion.

He kept his face pressed to her, his panting mouth aligned with her navel as she felt his long fingers slide down to her waist, hooking them into the black and peach lace. Slowly, he glided her panties down underneath him, but only to the middle of her raised thighs due to her legs hanging off his shoulders like frail tree branches in the wind. The fabric was stretched taut, digging into her soft flesh.

This moment had to be the most erotic thing Amy had ever experienced.

"I am going to eat all the strawberries Amy. I refuse to share with him." He whispered into her skin, she shuddered in reply. He raised his face up and locked his eyes with hers as he slid himself down until his pouty mouth hung like the setting sun directly over her small mound.

"I know I'm greedy Amy, but they are mine." He licked his lips again, his eyes were cloudy and there was a desperate hungry look in them. He was practically growling now, "You are mine Amy and I am going to eat every … last …one."

With a snarl, Sheldon finally dove into her aching wetness. Amy screamed. "YES!"

"Amy Farrah Fowler, what the in world are you screaming about?" Sheldon asked her, his eyes were wide with confused panic and he sat on the other side of her couch. Amy's own eyes popped open, her mouth was insanely dry and neck was stiff and aching.

"Amy?" She heard him say again. She looked around her living room, her eyes searching for something, but it was all a blur, she realized she didn't have her glasses on, "I need my glasses Sheldon." She saw his blurry hand take something off her blurry coffee table. He reached for her extended hand and placed her blurry glasses in her palm. After putting them on and letting her eyes adjust, she looked at her watch … 3:37?_ Could that be right?_ "Sheldon, how long have I been asleep?" She asked through a yawn, while stretching herself out, she felt the telltale slickness of arousal between her legs. _Oh boy._

"Not long, a little over an hour." He answered, still looking at her strangely. "Were you having a nightmare about rabbits?" Amy finally pulled her hair loose from its ponytail. Her scalp was tingling. "Rabbits?" she repeated, still reeling from the lucidity of her dream. _God, it was so real …_

"Yes, you kept muttering about rabbits … and strawberries." He informed her while his own tired face blinked at her. His eyes were bloodshot and she could faintly make out his morning scruff on his chin.

Her TV was flickering, but it was on mute with the closed captioning on.

"Sheldon, why are you still here?" She asked while pushing herself off the couch, she quickly glanced at the cushion. _Good, no wet spot._

He rolled his eyes, "Well I certainly can't take the bus at this time now can I? All manner of riff-raff get on the bus during the day, so can you imagine the hellish denizens that are on it now?"

She nodded, "Well then, you are welcomed to the couch. I am going to bed. I have to be at work in approximately …"

"Now hold on Amy, we never finished our conversation." He stated plainly.

"Sheldon, it's …" she glanced at her watch again, "3:39 in the morning. Can't we continue this later today?" She pleaded. Her eyes were hooded with exhaustion.

He snorted. "Well I'm not the one who decided to paint the town red on a week night, now am I?"

She groaned, "Fine. So, what's the verdict Dr. Cooper?" Amy was tired, achy, annoyed, horny and frankly in no mood to appease him anymore tonight.

"Well, as I was saying before you dozed off that I found Beverly's suggestion to be unacceptable … unless …" He took a deep breath and looked at the floor, "… unless you find it's something you really need … and if that is the case … then … I would like to select the man and dictate the parameters. Of course, an amendment would need to be drawn up …"

Amy's hands flew up into her hair, "Are you fucking kidding me?" She spat out without thinking.

Sheldon audibly gasped, "Amy! Please! Language! You sound like that waitress with the Nebraskan man-hands."

She could not believe what she was hearing; did Sheldon actually say that she could sleep with someone else? _An amendment!_ Was he giving her permission to cheat and as long as he could control the entire affair? Amy felt sick to her stomach. _He could not be this narcissistic, could he?_

"I thought you would be pleased." He said, his eyes turning back to the floor.

"Well Sheldon, I'm not pleased. How could you think that I would … that I'd even want …" her words failed her. She stormed off towards her bedroom, pushing past his long legs. "Where are you going?" he asked.

"I am going to bed Sheldon, is that alright with you? Or would like to draw up an amendment for that as well?" She barked over shoulder. Before he could respond, she entered her bedroom and slammed the door.

Her head was pounding, "I only want you!" she screamed through the door.

She stood there in the pitch blackness of her room. Her hands trembling again as she finally let the tears that she had held at bay trickle down her face. She fumbled in the darkness towards her bed, once she felt the familiar thud of the mattress at her knees; she crawled on top, her hands searching for her pillow.

Amy felt the foreign sensation of a silky material under her hands, but it was too dark to make out what is was, after few moments of rubbing it between her fingers she realized it was the dark blue satin nightgown that Feisal had gifted to her. A fresh wave of tears erupted from her eyes as she tossed it to the ground. Amy then buried her face into her pillow, not bothering to remove her glasses as she finally allowed her exhaustion to take over as she softly cried herself to sleep.

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><p><strong><em>Dream sex and angst? I know, you hate me. <em>****_Lucky Chapter 13, come on down!_ **


	13. Knight Rider

_**Chapter 13! "Knight Rider"**_

_**Standard disclaimers yada yada yada ... enjoy! **_

7:15AM

The violent ringing coming from Amy's alarm clock felt like a chain saw buzzing through her skull. The early morning sunlight burned like red hot lasers being shot directly into her corneas. She wondered as to why in the hell she felt like she was hung over when she didn't have anything alcoholic to drink. She slowly raised her head, which was pounding and in one swift and aggressive movement she slammed her hand down and silenced the shrill electronic bitch.

She quickly noticed that the contents of the Louis Vuitton garment bag were no longer scattered around her room. After forcing herself off the bed to assess her surroundings, she opened her closet doors she saw the remaining outfits were all neatly hung up, as well as the garment bag. Glancing down she saw the corresponding shoes lined up amongst her various loafers and moccasins, including the bronze flats she had kicked off in the living room. Spread out on her dresser top lay the jewelry, organized by type and size.

Amy couldn't help but smile at that. _My sweet Sheldon._

Pulling open her underwear drawer she saw her new matching bra and panty sets expertly folded, including her peach and black lace bra. _Odd, when did I take that off?_

After closing the drawer with a shrug, the exhausted woman staggered into her bathroom an flipped on the harsh fluorescent light. she slowly made her way to the toilet when something stopped her. _Huh?_ She noticed the small bottle of Pepto Bismol resting on her sink counter. It was more than half empty. Amy instantly felt a pang of guilt; maybe she had upset Sheldon by shouting at him? Sometimes he was prone to an upset stomach when dealing with incredibly stressful situations.

Amy ran her tongue over her teeth, she needed to floss. As she reached to open her mirrored medicine chest she stopped suddenly to gasp at her reflection.

Oswald's shirt was ... gone. Amy was wearing nothing but the dark blue satin nightgown with her peach and black panties underneath.

_How the … _

_... Sheldon?_

* * *

><p><em>Same day, during the late morning hours, somewhere in Pasadena …<em>

Oswald Montserrat groggily rolled onto his back, stretching out on his California king size bed as the alarm on his IPhone rang out the theme to "Knight Rider". He sighed contently, smiling to himself at the thought of Amy Farrah Fowler in his dress shirt. He rather enjoyed the sight of the hem floating back and forth, grazing her legs as she walked down the street with him.

_She's got great legs. _

_Yeah, but she's also got a boyfriend._

Lightly scratching his bare stomach, Oswald's taut and tan muscles contracted and then relaxed as he stared at his naked self in the mirrored ceiling. He had to admit it, he liked Amy. She didn't paw at him or demand his constant attention, she just was herself. And it made him feel like he could just be himself too, for once. Being with Amy brought him back to a simpler time in his life, before everything turned to shit. God, it felt good to drop the mask, even for a little while.

Amy was funny too—in a dry, dead pan sort of way. She was also brilliant, which in itself was attractive to him. He always went for the brainless beauty queens because it was expected. But truth be told it was always smarts that got his motor running. However, what really got to Oswald was the fact that she was clueless as to how sexy she was.

"She is still fucking adorable." He sighed aloud.

And she smelled like … strawberries.

_I wonder if she tastes like strawberries too_, he thought with a grin as he reached for his phone to check his emails.

Of course, there were the usual ones from Ms. Jones, Ms. Smith and Ms. Doe.

He sighed again, not so contently this time.

_The clients may change, but their names never do._

***Knock Knock Knock***

_"Oswald Montserrat"_

***Knock Knock Knock***

_"Oswald Montserrat"_

***Knock Knock Knock***

_"Oswald Montserrat"_

"What in the hell …" Oswald groaned, rolling off his bed, then striding across his luxury studio apartment, bare chested, bare assed with bare feet. His looked around his black leather couch and plucked a pair of red silk boxers from between the cushions, quickly pulling them up his sculpted legs.

"Who is it?" Oswald shouted at the door. It was weird; he never had clients this early. It was one of his rules.

"My name is Dr. Sheldon Cooper and if you are the correct Oswald Montserrat, I believe you and my girlfriend, Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler had dinner last night." The voice shouted back in an almost robotic monotone.

Oswald raised an eyebrow, "How did you know where I live?"

He heard the man scoff behind the door, "I can speak in binary code and have access to face recognition technology …"

Oswald crossed his arms with a skeptical look, "You found me with face recognition technology?"

The voice coughed, "Um ... No ... there was a dry cleaning receipt with this address in your shirt pocket."

Walking over to the door, Oswald stopped himself before opening it. "You're not here to start any trouble are you? I'm not looking for a fight."

The voice scoffed again, "I detest violence. Unless it's in a video game … or a movie … or an online game … or a television program … then it's alright."

Oswald chuckled sensing that he wasn't any immediate danger. "Fair enough"

Opening the door, Oswald was now eye to eye with one of the oddest looking characters he had ever met. The man wore a dated beige windbreaker, khakis and what looked like a vintage Aquaman t-shirt. His hair was parted at the side and combed down his forehead like a child and in his hands he held Oswald's grey and black striped shirt, neatly folded.

The visitor sharply held the shirt out to him, his face haughty and superior.

Oswald met the man's snooty glare with a small smirk, taking the shirt from him. "What can I do for you Sheldon?" Oswald asked. Sheldon's bright blue eyes ran over Oswald's Adonis-like frame, he had began the cataloging process.

_Amy was with this man last night? _

"You can start by covering yourself up. I haven't been exposed to that much male flesh since my trip to the artic." He said flatly.

Oswald rolled his eyes,_ Oh brother_. "Alright, well ... come on in while I look for something." Turning, he left the door open for him.

"Very well", Sheldon agreed, taking a few tentative steps inside, closing the door behind him with his foot. He wasn't touching _anything_ in this man's lair.

Sheldon watched Oswald cautiously as he riffled through a narrow closet, then he permitted his gaze to observe and deduce from the new environment around him.

The studio apartment was sparsely furnished, with no art on the white walls. The windows went from the floor to the ceiling and expanded across the entire length of the studio and had automatic vertical blinds. He noted the treadmill and some free weight equipment in a corner of the living area. Sheldon could also see Oswald's California king size bed on the far side of the apartment, directly across from where he stood. It was unmade.

His chest tightened as he angrily pushed off the disturbing vision of a naked Amy Farrah Fowler curled up under the sheets, a content smile on her lips.

_No! She said they didn't. So, they didn't. You came here for a reason Cooper._

He continued with the assessment. The kitchenette was small, but modern. All of the appliances were new. Sheldon smelled coffee and noted Oswald had programed his coffee maker to brew automatically at 11:00AM. It suggested a scheduled routine, but there was the matter of the clothing strewn about the man's black leather couch, which suggested carelessness. _Maybe this was a bad idea …_

"You can help yourself to some coffee." Oswald offered as he pulled a crisp white t-shirt over himself.

"I don't drink coffee, I drink tea." The physicist replied without hesitancy.

Oswald then stepped into a pair of black jogging pants and yanked them up over the red silk boxers. "Sorry, no tea"

Sheldon nodded, pulling his bottom lip into his mouth. _Of course this troglodyte doesn't have tea._

Oswald then gathered the loose articles of clothing from his couch and tossed them on a nearby black leather lounger. "Have a seat." He offered. Sheldon nodded again and went to sit on the far left end.

Oswald suddenly shrieked, "No! That's my spot." Sheldon quickly shot up, his eyes darting around him "Oh! I'm sorry … I didn't realize." He stammered. Oswald then chuckled, "I'm just messing with you Sheldon, but God imagine if I were that uptight?"

Sheldon let out a strained gasp of a laugh "Yes … imagine." _Lord, this is just getting worse by the second._

Oswald headed the kitchen, grabbing a plain white mug from the chrome dish rack next to the sink. While he poured himself a cup of coffee, he noticed Sheldon watching him curiously as he finally sat down, "So, why the visit?"

Sheldon took a breath and steeled himself, "It's about Amy."

Oswald nodded, "I figured that. Did you come here to tell me to stay away her?" He asked calmly, sipping his black coffee.

Sheldon cleared his throat, "Initially, yes." He quickly glanced at the bed from the corner of his eye. "When I first learned about your existence my first … baser instinct was to track you down and gut you like a trout with my bat'leth …"

"What's a bat'leth?" Oswald interrupted.

Sheldon sighed, "Oh dear, a bat'leth is the Klingon long sword otherwise known as the sword of honor …"

"Klingon, like from Star Trek?" Oswald interrupted again.

Sheldon sighed, "Yes, like from Star Trek."

"And you have one?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"I like Star Trek and its cool!" Sheldon snapped.

Oswald raised a hand up in surrender; "Okay!" then took another sip.

Sheldon took another breath and steeled himself yet again. "But, after discussing the matter with Amy, during which she confessed some additional items of interest, I began to consider you as a potential sexual partner for her."

Oswald spit out his coffee, effectively spraying his countertop "You what?"

Sheldon continued, unfazed by the spit take "But apparently my suggesting that to her was a big ol' boo boo. This brings me to my actual reason for coming here."

"Which is?" Oswald asked cautiously, taking a damp kitchen sponge to wipe the counter.

"I require your assistance. Someone with your expertise, in your specific field that is, may prove very useful in my endeavor." He said with a slight quiver, his eye twitching a bit.

"Sheldon, I am an attorney." Oswald said firmly, his jaw tightening.

Sheldon snorted, "Oswald, I am highly regarded physicist with an IQ of 187. You however, are no attorney. There is no record of you passing the bar exam in any state, nor is there any record of you attending one the nation's 220 public or private law schools. There is however, a very interesting website listing you as a private consultant under the name Oswald Knight."

Oswald let out a long groan, pinching the bridge of nose as if he suddenly had a headache. "Fuck me sideways ... does Amy know?"

Sheldon shook his head, "No and I don't intend on telling her."

"I don't get it. Are you here to blackmail me or not?" Oswald asked as his eyebrows knitted together.

Sheldon stood up and approached the counter, "Blackmail? Absolutely not. I am asking for your ... help." The words stuck in his throat, "Of course, no one can know of this."

The gigolo came around the counter and faced the genius. "Exactly what are you asking me Sheldon?"

Sheldon gulped, his haughtiness fading as his hands came together and he began to nervously locked and unlocked his fingers, "Well ... I need … I would like … Oh boy ..."

Oswald watched the man wrestle with the words. He kind of felt bad for the guy. After all, he was Amy's boyfriend and she did say he loved the man. Amy was now his friend, his only real friend when he thought about it.

"How do you think someone with _my_ skill set can help you Sheldon?" Oswald asked, trying to my eye contact with Sheldon as his gaze whizzed in every direction. "Come on bro, I can't read your mind." Oswald urged.

Sheldon finally exhaled a long anguished sigh and rested his eyes on Oswald's bare feet, "I have come to realize ... that is I know ... have known ... that ... I love Amy."

Oswald rubbed his neck still unsure of what Sheldon was driving at, "And?"

Sheldon continued, "And ... I don't want to lose her because of something so ... what I mean is ... she makes me happy. Therefore, logically speaking, I should attempt to make Amy happy. I _want_ to make Amy happy." Sheldon finally raised his head to look Oswald in the face, chewing on his lip. "So, can you teach me?"

Oswald raised an eyebrow, "Teach you?"

Sheldon gave a small nervous nod, "Will you teach me how to … pleasure her?"

Oswald wasn't sure he heard Sheldon right, "And by pleasure her you mean …"

Sheldon shoulders slumped, "Oh please, don't make me say it!"

There was a pause. Oswald eyed the genius carefully.

_Amy loves him?_ _This guy?_ _Oh well ... _

Oswald gave a relenting nod, "You're right, you do need my expertise."

Sheldon shot up an eyebrow, "There's no need to get cocky Oswald."

Oswald laughed and patted Sheldon on the shoulder, who tried not to flinch at the contact, "No Sheldon, but you need to start gettin' cocky. That's lesson one, confidence."

Sheldon bristled and titled his head, "Excuse me, but I'll have you know that I have a perfectly healthy amount of self-confidence."

Oswald imitated Sheldon's head tilt exactly. "I meant sexual confidence."

Sheldon's mouth tightened, "Oh."

"I can see we have a lot of work to do." Oswald sighed.

Sheldon then reached into his canvas bag and pulled out a single piece of paper and his notary stamp.

"What's this?" Oswald asked eyeing the paper as he took it from him.

"Confidentially Agreement" Sheldon said, as if it were the most common thing in the world.

Oswald's mouth tightened, "Oh."

* * *

><p><em><strong>So now you know Oswald's secret. Chapter 14 in the works. <strong>_


	14. Bits n' Pieces

_**Chapter 14 "Bits n' Pieces"**_

_**Standard Disclaimers applied. I own squat. **_

_**Many thanks to all the readers and reviewers out there. Your feedback means the world to me, so please keep it coming! I'm really happy that you are enjoying my first TBBT fic. I hope I can keep doing you proud! **_

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><p>Amy vacantly stared at the Petri dish she was currently washing in the small sink of her lab. She covered her mouth with the back of her gloved hand as she yawned for what seemed like the one hundredth time that morning. As she held the soapy piece of glass under the warm water, her mind drifted yet again to all the of the events that had transpired over the last 24 hours.<p>

Just yesterday during this time Amy was full of girly giddiness and was beyond excited to meet her brilliant boyfriend for what should have been a new thrilling chapter in their story. But instead, it turned into a night of pure calamity. So much had gone wrong in that one night; first a ruined movie date, then a ruined dress and now possibly a ruined relationship? Amy hadn't heard from Sheldon since she blew up at him in her apartment. It was nearly lunchtime and there wasn't so much as a single line text from him. _What could he be thinking? _

She hoped that perhaps he was too exhausted to attempt to reach out. Sheldon was not used to nearly breaking night and maybe he had spent the day napping? _No_, she quickly dismissed that thought—_that would surely upset his routine._

One of the first things Amy learned about Sheldon (besides their shared aversion to soiled hosiery) was how much he disliked change. In fact, she would go so far as to say he resented change to the point of bitterness. That is, unless the change in question somehow worked in his favor. Change interrupted the peace of mind that his methodical lifestyle provided and Amy often feared that without his routines, Sheldon would be lost at sea, sinking under the weight of his own mistrust of the world and the people in it, eventually shutting himself away like a hermit. She didn't want that for him. He was too gifted, too special to be hidden from the world.

Amy had often wondered if besides his obvious germ phobia, if there was a deeper, emotional reason why Sheldon had been so opposed to physical affection, namely sex.

Ideally, love making, when most fevered and passionate (as Amy understood it from Penny and Bernadette) required a certain amount of reckless abandonment mingled with an awareness of your partner's needs. Like change, Amy suspected these were two areas that Sheldon would struggle with. Amy had seen for herself how Sheldon needed the security of his routines—to feel safe. Perhaps to Sheldon, sex was a risk to that safety—potentially losing his control and in the process losing himself.

She cringed at the memory of Sheldon giving her permission to sleep with another man. Could he not understand that he alone held her heart? Meaning he alone could share her bed? That is, if he wanted to. And Sheldon didn't want to.

But then again, to her amazement, she woke up that morning in her satin nightgown, sans her bra.

Amy tried to remember, but nothing came. The few hours of sleep she had were deep and dreamless. But there was the evidence when she awoke that it actually had happened.

Sheldon had cleaned her room, stripped her of Oswald's shirt (and her bra) and redressed her in the new satin negligee. Amy shivered at the idea of her boyfriend gingerly peeling the fabric off her body as she slept.

It was both titillating and confusing, _what could have possibly possessed him? __What did he see? What did he touch? Did he like it?_

The dish in Amy's hands suddendly slipped out, shattering at the bottom of the sink. "Ugh ... another one bites the dust." She grumbled to herself.

* * *

><p>"A syllabus …" Oswald sneered. "I am not going to provide you with a syllabus. This isn't a college course Sheldon." He reclined back onto his black leather couch, thoroughly baffled by the agreement he held in his hand and he nursed a second cup of coffee.<p>

Sheldon sat beside his newly acquired tutor, anxiously tapping the toe of his shoe on Oswald's hardwood floors. "Of course you wouldn't provide me with a syllabus; I have already taken the liberty of typing one up for you." He reached into his canvas bag and pulled out a second document. "I think you'll find that it's fairly straightforward, I kept the language simple and stuck to the basics of what I suspect I will need to know."

Oswald raised an eyebrow while placing his coffee on a glass top end table. He hesitantly took the second document and glanced at it, then he immediately looked at Sheldon as though the man had just arrived from another planet, which he might as well have. Oswald finally understood that his alien visitor had no sexual experience to speak of, at all.

Oswald cleared his throat and read aloud, "The Fundamentals of Performing Coitus Competently and Commendably, a syllabus by Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper, PhD."

Sheldon nodded, he was rather proud of that title. It took him twenty minutes to come up with it. Oswald continued to read further along into the document, "… we will cover topics such as open mouth kissing with tongue penetration …"

Sheldon grimaced with a tick.

"… non-penetrative coitus …"

Sheldon looked down at the floor.

"… and of course the crude and unnecessary act of penetrative coitus itself …"

Sheldon sucked his bottom lip into his mouth nervously.

Oswald shook his head in disbelief, "Are you kidding me with this?"

Sheldon's head popped back up like a beach ball with a concerned look, "Is it too graphic? Even for a man of ill repute such as yourself?"

Oswald took a deep breath, he'd let that one slide. "No, it's not graphic at all. It's actually … rather clinical."

Sheldon titled his head with a surprised small smile, "Why thank you Oswald."

Oswald placed the documents on the table next to his coffee mug, "That's not a good thing where sex is concerned Sheldon, particularly if the experience is meant to be enjoyed."

Sheldon waved his hand dismissively, "No, no, no, I don't need to enjoy it. I just need to get through it so Amy will be happy."

Oswald was taken aback, "Wait, are you saying that you don't want to have sex with Amy?"

Sheldon looked confused, "What does me wanting it have to do with anything? This is for Amy."

Oswald shrugged, stood up and grabbed his mug, "Well then, I'm sorry to say that I can't help you." He said while heading back to his kitchen.

Frowning, Sheldon stood up and followed him, "Hang on. Are you saying that I should _want_ to expose myself to messy and unhygienic acts of ... you know?"

Oswald dumped his remaining coffee down the sink, "No Sheldon, I am saying that a grown man who says he is in love with girlfriend should want to have sex with her because he finds her desirable and he wants them both to be happy." As Oswald washed the mug he continued, "Sure, I could fill in the blanks with the technical stuff. But, if you don't want it as much as she does … it's doomed to fail."

Sheldon thought for a moment. "Do you mean the coitus is doomed to fail? Or the relationship is doomed to fail?"

Oswald dried his hands on a nearby dish towel, "Possibly both."

Sheldon pouted, "I hadn't considered that …" He paused, "Oswald, may I ask you a question?"

Oswald stretched and leaned against the countertop, "Shoot"

"Do you enjoy it? You know, with your customers?" Sheldon asked awkwardly.

Oswald corrected him firmly, "Clients".

Sheldon nodded, "Of course, clients."

Oswald paused to consider this, "Yes, most times I do. But, that's because sometimes giving pleasure can be pleasurable in itself."

Sheldon looked intrigued by this, "Fascinating."

Oswald smiled at the novice, "Listen Sheldon, one of the most important parts of what I do is making damn sure that my client feels like the sexiest, most enticing creature alive. It's a huge turn on for a lot of people to feel wanted."

"It is?" Sheldon gulped, suddendly feeling quite out of his depth.

Oswald continued, "Absolutely ... just imagine that feeling Sheldon ... to be wanted so badly ... to be lusted after ... to be desired by the person you desire."

The genius attempted to process this, chewing his lip while a single finger absent-mindedly traced the tiles on Oswald's countertop.

Oswald bent over a bit towards Sheldon and lowered his voice to a whisper, "Sheldon, doesn't the thought of Amy, your Amy, wanting to do sweet and naughty things to your body do anything for you?"

Sheldon blushed as he suddenly felt a strange warmth spreading up his legs, as if he were standing over a heating grate. _Sweet and naughty?_

"I don't know." He replied softly. Oswald noticed his change in color. _Hmm ... So the robot-man can be revved up? Maybe I can help this boy get to full throttle?_

"You don't know? Come on Sheldon, I don't believe that. Not with a cutie pie like her." Sheldon shot him a death glare and Oswald raised his hands up, "Okay, okay, but truthfully, hasn't there been at least one time where you wanted her to touch you? "

"I don't know …" Sheldon repeated, "... maybe …"

Oswald snapped his fingers and pointed to the sofa. Sheldon shuffled in his spot for a moment, but then reluctantly sat back down.

"Maybe huh?" Oswald coaxed him, "Talk to me Sheldon."

Sheldon swallowed, "Well, there was one particular instance when I thought ..." He took a breath and started over, "It happened about two weeks ago during our bi-monthly scheduled movie night."

Oswald tried very hard not to roll his eyes_. Bi-monthly scheduled movie night? Amy, you must really love this guy. _"Go on", he urged while crossing his arms.

"We were watching The Fifth Element and I had just finished a wonderful chocolate covered strawberry that Amy had purchased ... and she said something that made me feel …" Sheldon broke off. He was uncomfortable now, he was never at a loss for words but in that moment he just couldn't find the right one in his vast vocabulary to describe this. "It felt …"

"Tell me what she said and maybe I can help you figure out what is was you felt." Oswald offered.

"She said, that may have been the world's luckiest strawberry Dr. Cooper." Sheldon's blush deepened.

Oswald smiled to himself. _Go Amy. _

Sheldon continued, "Then she leaned in towards me and just stared at me with those big green cat eyes of hers. I could almost feel her eyes moving over me … it was …" Sheldon licked his lips, " … I thought she was going to try and kiss me, but she didn't … and in that brief moment when I thought she would ... well … it felt … I don't know."

But he did know.

"And was there ever a time you wanted to touch Amy?" Oswald inquired gently.

Sheldon remained quiet.

"Sheldon, Bro, Don't clam up on me … "

Still no reply.

Oswald huffed, "Sheldon, I can not help you if you are dead from the waist down!"

Sheldon sharply inhaled large breath and blasted his conscience like a horn, _"I-took-off-your-shirt-and-her-brassiere-while-she-was-sleeping-because-I-did-NOT-like-her-wearing-your-shirt-and-her-brassiere-looked-like-it-was-digging-into-her-skin-it-was-a-pretty-but-I-wanted-her-to-be-comfortable-and-I-may-or-may-not-have-wanted-to-squeeze-her-breasts-because-they-looked-really-soft-but-I-didn't-I-didn't-I-didn't-instead-I-put-a-nightgown-on-her-that-was-on-the-floor-and-the-material-felt-really-nice-and-my-pants-kept-getting-tighter-and-I-drank-half-a-bottle-of-Pepto-and-cleaned-her-room-because-it-was-a-mess!"_

Sheldon's bottom lip was quivering just the tiniest bit, his eyes full of nervous guilt.

Oswald blinked rapidly, "Whoa."

There was a long pause as Oswald pondered this new information, then finally he spoke, "You may not realize it yet Sheldon, but not only do you love Amy, but I will go so far as to say you want her too. "

Sheldon's gave Oswald a puzzled look, "Of course I want Amy. I want her with me."

Groaning, Oswald had to fight the urge to roll his eyes again, bringing his fingers to his temple. _Holy … just wow _

"No, I mean you _WANT_ Amy and I think you like the idea of her wanting you." He said slowly, hoping the genius with the 187 IQ would pick up what he was throwing down.

Sheldon thought for second, "Oh" and then quickly straightened up, "OHH..."

Oswald sighed and went back the two documents resting on the glass end table, "Give me a pen, please."

Sheldon perked up, quickly shuffling through his bag and then handed his new male prostitute friend a pen. Shaking his head, Oswald initialed the Confidentially Agreement—in triplicate.

However, he then promptly ripped up the proposed syllabus, causing Sheldon to gasp.

"Oswald Montserrat! I worked really hard on that!" He chastised. Oswald swaggered back to the kitchen and tossed the destroyed document into the waste basket. "You should be working really hard on getting hard." Oswald retorted, glancing back over his shoulder.

Sheldon's eyes went round with surprise, "WHAT?"

Oswald then turned to face Sheldon, this time with his hands on his hips. "Since we are going to do this, we are doing this my way. First step, no more of this clinical speech. No more coitus, we are calling it sex!"

Sheldon cringed, "Must we?"

Oswald raised an eyebrow, "Would you rather we called it fucking?"

Sheldon cringed again, "Must you swear?"

Oswald grinned, "Oh boy, I can see our dirty talk lesson is going to be lots of fun."

"Dirty …" Sheldon croaked "… talk?"

Oswald's grin got wider.

_Poor guy, but hey, if he loves Amy then Sheldon better put his money where he mouth is._

_And if he doesn't? _

_Well then, I suppose I can put my mouth where her money is. _

Oswald locked eyes with his pupil, "You heard me Sheldon. I have decided that I will be drawing up a whole new syllabus—starting with your confidence lesson. You'll be no good to Amy if you can't master your own bits n' pieces."

Sheldon blanched, "What do you mean?"

Oswald's voice dropped to his sexy 'for clients only' bass, "Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper, PhD. It's time you learned to own your dick."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter 15 in the works. LLTS!<strong>_


	15. Simple Math

_**Chapter 15 "Simple Math"**_

_**Standard disclaimers applied. **__**Thank you for reading. Feedback is always welcomed! **_

_**LONG LIVE THE SHAMY!**_

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><p>When Sheldon finally arrived at Caltech in the afternoon, he calculated that Leonard and Rajesh would most likely be in the cafeteria. Howard had thankfully taken the day off, spending it with Bernadette and that ghastly mother of his.<p>

Sheldon was grateful when Leonard hadn't asked too many questions earlier that morning when he informed him that he was suffering from abdominal discomfort and would not require a ride to work—using the same subterfuge that Amy had used on him the night before. Within an hour after Leonard had left, Sheldon had showered, shaved and was fully armed with his bus pants, a confidentially agreement and a syllabus that he had agonized over—which Oswald had made obsolete by tearing it to shreds.

Sheldon grumbled as he pulled down the blinds of his office window, "He didn't have to rip it up. That was just uncalled for."

Before leaving Oswald's apartment, the polar opposites representing sex and science exchanged contact information with the understanding that no one, especially Amy would be privy to their arrangement. Sheldon offered to pay what he could for Oswald's time, suspecting that a gentleman of the evening would have to carve into his "working" hours to make time for their lessons. Oswald had politely refused to accept one thin dime from Sheldon, making it clear that he was doing this for Amy's sake, not his.

Sheldon wasn't entirely sure how he felt about that. Oswald was clearly fond of Amy, of course, who wouldn't be? But it wasn't as though Amy was Oswald's girlfriend. _She is my girlfriend_. _Mine. _In the end he didn't put up too much of a fight since he could never afford Oswald's astronomical rate of four hundred dollars per hour.

As he peeled off his jacket and draped it neatly on the back of his desk chair, Sheldon thought aloud, "Judging by that apartment, he must be very good at whatever it is he does. "

Glancing at his watch he figured that his friends would continue to enjoy their respective lunches for roughly another twenty minutes. That would give him plenty of time to change his pants, quickly check his e-mails and slip back into his day's routine with minimal fuss, already informing Leonard of his recovery via text. He was now four hours behind on his black hole thermodynamics research and that simply would not do.

Opening his bottom desk drawer, Sheldon pulled out a neatly folded pair of brown corduroy pants. They were vacuum sealed in plastic of course—for emergencies. Although quite alone in his locked office with the blinds drawn, he still looked around cautiously before kicking off his shoes and undoing his designated bus pants. As he hurriedly tugged them down his pale legs he couldn't help but wonder what in the world Oswald meant when he told him that would learn to own his ... _Ugh. _

Sheldon shivered, he couldn't even bring himself to say _that_ word internally, which was ridiculous because he knew plenty of men named Richard who went by "Dick".

"See Dick and Jane run. See how they play." He said out loud without hesitation and without blushing.

But why couldn't he bring himself to say it _that_ word when referring to his "bits n' pieces" as Oswald so eloquently put it? Yes, it was crass and unnecessary, but it was still just a word. He had heard Wolowitz use it hundreds of times in various disturbing scenarios. If a doctorate-less hobbit like Howard could master the word in its vulgar context, than surely so could Sheldon Cooper.

_And how would one own it exactly?_ It seemed an odd turn of phrase. Sheldon timidly glanced down at the bulge hidden in his white briefs while his bus pants pooled around his ankles. Logic would dictate that he already owned it; it was part of his anatomy after all. It was his, no one else's. He couldn't see how one could own it any further.

Once he stepped out of each pant leg, he then carefully folded them inside out; he stood frozen for a moment, his mind replaying the events that transpired in Amy's apartment in the wee hours of the morning. She was distraught and she confessed to wanting _something_ that she thought he believed to be beneath him.

It was an incorrect assumption on her part; Sheldon did not consider himself above Amy because she craved physical intimacy. It was biology, she had said it herself prior her attempt to mate with that nimrod Zach Johnson. She had genitals; therefore, she had the potential for sexual arousal. Sheldon, being a self-made creature of logic, order and discipline merely had no use for it.

However, it seemed the use for it had finally presented itself in his life—to make Amy happy and to keep her with him. Sheldon sighed, according to the professional lover in order to make Amy truly happy, he would have to want it himself. He'd have to _want_ saliva, perspiration and all manner of bodily fluids?

_That does not sound appealing at all. _

Nevertheless, he was forced to admit that he was incredibly relieved that Amy did not wish to engage in coitus with other men. He doubted there were many men that could measure up to her intelligence, her wit or her grace. Amy deserved exponentially more in a lover than a random wall of meat with a tan.

Just the mere thought of Amy, _his Amy_, being touched, being kissed, being _taken_by some scoundrel who would steal her virtue like a thief in the night made his normally cold Vulcan blood boil. Sheldon felt something rip in his chest as he imagined hearing the sound of her soft gasp as some unworthy peasant defiled his princess.

This new kind of rage was frightfully unsettling to him. It was different. He wasn't sure he could handle different.

And there was something else; an additional realization had been slowly gnawing at Sheldon's insides since last night.

_Amy said she only wants me. _

_And Amy wants sex. _

_It is simple math Cooper. _

_Amy desires to engage in coi … she wants to have sex with me! _

His wide eyes dropped back to his cotton clad groin.

_ME! _

Sheldon was instantly bombarded with wave after wave of sheer panic. Breathing hard, he grasped for his chair and slowly sat himself down. He hadn't really considered the intricacies of what he was planning until that very moment. Before then, it had all been theoretical; He had convinced himself that he could detach himself from the act while Amy scratched her itch, much like a brown bear uses a tree to scratch it's back—but sex was opposite of detachment.

Sex meant attachment, intermingling, exchanging, mixing and merging … _Oh Lord_.

He heard Amy's soft gasp again, louder and clearer as he imagined not some lowly ruffian, but himself, slowly and torturously moving within her.

And surprisingly, that image wasn't entirely unappealing. It was actually rather, _stirring_. His head continued to spin like a centrifuge as he pictured her sparkling green eyes plead for more. More of him, more of her prince.

_"More ... please Sheldon."_

Sheldon shuddered and shut his eyes tightly, attempting to slow his breathing using his tried and true method of Kohlinar. His long fingers clutched his bare knees as he gently rocked himself in his chair. The last thing he wanted was to have a panic attack in his office, especially since he was finally able to tolerate that out of tune bird outside his window.

His meltdown was suddenly interrupted by the alert tone of his cell phone, he had a text. With a trembling hand, he pulled his phone from outer pocket of his shoulder bag. It was from Amy. He smiled. Wait, why was he smiling? He sighed; the texting temptress had struck again.

_**A: Sheldon, Leonard has informed me that you were unwell this morning. Are you okay?**_

_**S: Yes, I am much better.**_

He paused

_**S:**_ _**Thank you for checking. **_

_**A: Good. **_

_**A: You are welcome.**_

_**A: Are we still on for Skype tonight? **_

Sheldon covered his mouth with his free hand. _Darn it! _He had agreed to a Skype session with Oswald tonight for their first official lesson. He now needed to consider his reply carefully.

_**S:**_ _**Amy, I regret that I will be unable to Skype tonight. **_

_**A: Oh? **_

He paused again.

_**S: My unforeseen tummy trouble cut into valuable research time. I would like to make up the time tonight. **_

_**S: If that is alright with you? **_

He waited.

_**A: Of course it is. **_

_**S: Thank you Amy. **_

_**A: You're quite welcome. **_

_**A: Sheldon, quick point of inquiry …**_

_**S: Yes? **_

_**A: Why did you remove Oswald's shirt?**_

_**A: And my bra?**_

Sheldon unconsciously closed his tingling thighs together. He began to type, but he deleted it. He started to type something else, but he deleted that as well. With a huff, he finally replied.

_**S: I did not relish the sight of my girlfriend in another man's shirt. So I removed it. **_

The truth.

_**A: What did you do with it? I should return it. **_

_**S: I threw it away. It is probably on its way to a land fill by now. **_

A lie.

_**A: Oh, okay … and the bra? **_

_**S: I put that away in your underwear drawer. Your room was in shambles. **_

_**A: No Sheldon. Why did you remove my bra?**_

Sheldon's eyes searched around his office, hoping the perfect reply would somehow materialize on his white board. He hastily stood up and paced around the room in just his layered t-shirts, briefs and socks.

_Think Cooper think! _

_**S: That contraption had wire in it, did it not? **_

_**A: Yes. **_

_**S: Amy, what if you had one of your night terrors and the wire punctured your skin while you thrashed about? Did you consider that?**_

_**A: No. I can honestly say that I had not considered that. **_

_**S: Well, from now on you will. **_

_**S: You're welcome. **_

Putting the phone on his desk with a sigh of relief, Sheldon finally ripped open the plastic encasing his other pants, shaking the fabric out furiously then swiftly stepping into them. As he yanked them up he took one last look at the bulge which seemed to mock him with its silence. Pointing at his crotch with a purposeful finger he scowled, "Now you listen here, I have never failed a class in my life and I don't intend to start now. So you will pay attention! I refuse to lose Amy!"

As he zipped himself up and smoothed out his shirts he quickly added, "I will own you!"

* * *

><p>Penny had just arrived for her shift at the Cheesecake Factory—ten minutes late due to car trouble. <em>Maybe I should get my engine checked?<em> She shrugged the thought off while tying on her little green apron. Her phone vibrated in her skirt pocket. It was Amy.

_**A: Hey Bestie**_

_**P: Hey Ames Just started shift. Can we talk later?**_

_**A: Of course. Would you like to come over to my apartment after work? Sheldon cancelled on me. **_

_**P: That sux. Sure, I'll be there. Need me to bring anything? **_

_**A: No need. Just bring your wonderful self. ;)**_

_**P: :D **_

_**A: And maybe a bottle of wine?**_

_**P: LOL, sure Ames**_

_**A: Make that two. **_

_**P: Uh oh. Is everything okay? How'd Project Angelina go?**_

_**A: Long story. **_

_**A: Make that three bottles. **_

_**P: :(**_

* * *

><p>"Okay, how about this one. Wonder Woman, Black Canary and Hawk Girl?" Raj asked Leonard as they sat in Sheldon and Leonard's living room for dinner. Leonard picked at his cheese-less pizza, "Geez, that's tough. I don't know … I guess I'd marry Wonder Woman, sleep with Black Canary and kill Hawk Girl."<p>

Raj crinkled his nose, "Really? You'd sleep with Black Canary? What if she's a screamer? Dude, she could unintentionally kill you, especially if you are rocking her world. "

Leonard grinned at the idea of rocking Black Canary's world but then cringed at the visual of his head exploding as she came with a super-sonic scream. He shrugged, "Alright, then I guess I'd marry Black Canary and sleep with Wonder Woman."

Raj raised an eyebrow, "But what if she likes to get kinky with her lasso of truth?"

Sheldon rolled his eyes, "Gentlemen please! Can we have one dinner in this apartment where the conversation doesn't end up being about sex?" He glanced at his watch. In five minutes he would excuse himself to his bedroom for his lesson—his sex lesson. _Ironic_, he thought.

Raj pouted, "Can you blame me? I haven't had sex in over a year and it's kind of getting to me."

Leonard snorted, "Kind of? Today at lunch you said your mashed potatoes looked like a lumpy boob."

Sheldon grimaced. But then he remembered Amy, sleeping soundly on her back as he nervously unbuttoned Oswald's shirt. He truly hated the sight of her in another man's shirt—that part had not been a lie. He recalled with crystal clarity how he hesitated before each button, it was wrong, but he did it anyway. And now the sensation of the thin fabric of Oswald's shirt between the pads of his fingers was etched into his mind.

As a child, Sheldon never haphazardly tore the gift wrapping paper off of his birthday and Christmas presents the way that Missy and George Junior had. He was methodical, gently feeling under the folds of colored paper, he would smile as his hands searched for the sweet spot where the tape's integrity was weakest and then once found, he would delicately pry it up, always careful not to rip the paper.

Undressing Amy had brought back that feeling. She was his birthday and Christmas rolled into one. And her breasts, he sighed; her breasts certainly _did not_ look like mashed potatoes. He dropped his half eaten pizza slice on the plate sitting on the coffee table, unable to finish it.

"Sheldon buddy, are you alright?" Leonard asked, "Is your stomach acting up again?"

"I'm fine Leonard, thank you." He looked at his watch and sprung up, "Now if you will excuse me, I have some reading to catch up on in my room and as we all know black holes wait for no man. " He briskly walked past them before they could see his tick.

Behind him he heard Raj and Leonard snicker; he had no clue what could be so funny.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter 16 in the works, will be up in a couple of days. <strong>_

_**Constructive criticism is wonderful (I'm looking at you "Someone") I love reviews. I mean I LOVE them. **_

_**Will Sheldon prove himself as head of the class? *wink* See you next time! Same Bat time, same Bat chapter! **_


	16. Bionic

_**Chapter 16! "Bionic"**_

_**Standard disclaimers applied. Reviews are welcomed. **_

_**Enjoy & LLTS! **_

* * *

><p>After polishing off one bottle of Sauvignon Blanc between the two of them, Penny and Amy were pleasantly buzzed and equally hungry. Once they had effectively stuffed themselves with the "complimentary" nachos Penny was kind enough to bring, the time had come to inhale the "complimentary" cheesecake. While Amy busied herself with opening up bachelor #2, this time a dry German fellow named Riesling; Penny was in the kitchen, carving into the deliciously evil lemon raspberry swirl cheesecake.<p>

"How big of a slice do you want?" Penny asked while placing a thin slice on her own plate.

As Amy sat in her living room, prying the cork out of the bottle she shrugged, "Depends …"

"Depends on what?" Penny inquired; she ran a slender digit across the broad side of the blade and then brought her to her mouth.

Amy pouted as she refilled their glasses. "How big of a slice will help to ease my troubled heart and smother my sexual frustration?"

Penny considered this for a few seconds and then nodded; she then skillfully cut a slice about two and a half inches thick, "One sexless special for the lady, coming right up!" She then snatched a pair of forks off the counter placed one on each plate.

While walking back to the living room armed with two plates of creamy goodness; Penny shook her head, "You know, after everything you've told me about what happened last night Ames … I have to say … I just don't think I buy it."

Amy eagerly took her plate from Penny and without hesitation grabbed the fork, shoveling a mouth full of the sweet Sheldon substitute into her face, "What don't you buy Bestie?" She asked through a sloppy chew. Penny grinned at Amy's fervor as she sat down. She remembered all too well cramming her own face with ice cream after breaking up with both Kurt and Leonard. Carbs, butter and sugar may not be as good as an orgasm, but it sure helps a girl get over the hump.

Penny took a slow thoughtful sip of her wine before answering, "I don't buy Sheldon's flimsy excuse for taking off your bra. Sure, I can kind of see him getting all territorial and taking off the shirt because it belonged to that Oscar guy …"

"Oswald" Amy corrected while taking a large second bite.

"Yeah, Oswald … whatever … but that reason he gave you for taking off your bra just sounds like pure fiction to me. He was worried you'd cut yourself with your underwire? I mean, COME ON!" She rolled her eyes and snorted, "That is lame, even for him. Sheldon cannot lie worth a damn, not even in a text. "

Penny put her plate and wine glass on the coffee table, then she pulled an elastic hair band off her wrist and quickly maneuvered her loose blond tresses into a perky ponytail. "I'm tellin' ya Ames. I smell bullshit."

Amy marveled at her best friend. Even with the alcohol infused profanity, the messy ponytail and the cheesecake stain on her top she still managed to look effortlessly stunning. Amy then took a large swig of her wine, washing down a third large bite. "Do you really think he lied?"

"Of course it was a lie Amy." Penny said while finally taking a bite of her own cheesecake. "Damn, that's good."

* * *

><p>Sheldon sat anxiously on the foot of his bed, his notebook computer perched on his lap. He looked at his watch again and audibly huffed, Oswald was late. He was about to close his laptop when the familiar Skype notification tone rang out.<p>

"Finally" Sheldon grumbled, but before connecting to the session something in him stalled as he felt a ripple of apprehension moved through his body.

With a deep breath, Sheldon forced himself to connect the call and was instantly taken aback by what he saw. "Who the devil are you supposed to be?" He asked the screen.

To his surprise, Oswald was wearing a black leather eye mask, a fake mustache, a black cape tied loosely around his shoulders and a large black hat with tiny red tassels swinging off the brim. He quickly removed the mask and the hat; his normally wild hair was slicked back and he appeared to be wearing black eyeliner, "Sorry I'm late, my last session ran a little over. The client has got a thing for Zorro."

Sheldon was going to lecture Oswald about the importance of punctuality when instead, he found that he was rather curious, "You dress up like fictional characters?"

Oswald untied the cape and tossed it somewhere off screen, "Occasionally, some clients have very specific fantasies they want to indulge and if they are willing to pay, then I am willing to play the part to their satisfaction."

"So, it's kind of like a role playing game?" Sheldon immediately asked, the inner fan boy getting the better of him.

Oswald smiled while peeling off the fake mustache. "Well, it's not the kind of role playing you're thinking of … but let's not get ahead of ourselves. First things first."

"Have you ever dressed as a super hero?" Sheldon interrupted.

Oswald nodded, "Yes, back in New York there were clients who enjoyed an intense Batman or a squeaky clean Superman. One even requested Wolverine …" He grinned at the memory, "… she wanted me to slash her clothes off with my metal claws …"

"Adamantium" Sheldon interrupted again. Oswald's eyebrows narrowed in confusion, "Huh?"

Sheldon titled his head, "Wolverine's bone claws are coated in Adamantium, an indestructible metal alloy." He said matter-of-factly.

Oswald paused and gave Sheldon a suspicious look, "Okay, I see what's happening here. You are stalling Dr. Cooper."

"I don't know what you mean." Sheldon replied with the tiniest tick.

Oswald leaned back and crossed his arms. "Class is in session, no more interruptions." He said with an authoritative tone.

Sheldon straightened up, "Fine. But for the record I was not stalling." This, of course, was followed by another small tick.

"Uh huh … do you want my help or not?" Oswald asked flatly. There was another pause, then Sheldon gave a relenting nod, "Very well, proceed."

* * *

><p>"But what reason could he have had to lie? He never lies to me … even though I've lied to him." Amy asked somberly as she lazily licked her fork.<p>

Penny swallowed, "He was probably way too embarrassed … or proud … or just too damn … Sheldony to admit that he wanted to check your girls out. I know Sheldon loves to act like he's some kind of emotionless cyborg, but at the end of the day he is still a man … with a penis and everything."

Penny briefly crinkled her nose and shuddered uncomfortably at the thought of Sheldon and his penis. _Ack!_

"And men sometimes let their little one-eyed buddies make the decisions for them. It doesn't matter what their deal is Amy. Straight, gay, whatever— they all get horny. And eventually, they all want to get their freak on. You'll see, one day Sheldon will prove to be no different from any other human male."

* * *

><p>"We already know that Amy is attracted to you, so with that, you are already ahead of most men in your position who want to seduce … wait a second …" Oswald blinked at his camera, " … is that Captain Kirk I see on your bed sheets?"<p>

Sheldon smiled, "Yes and Spock too. I actually wanted just Spock, but the website only offered sheets with the whole original crew of the Enterprise. I can send you the link if you like them."

Shaking his head, Oswald pointed to the camera, a stern professor-like scowl on his face, "Dr. Cooper, listen up, if you somehow manage get Amy in your bed, it had better not be on Star Trek sheets, Star Wars sheets or any other kind of themed sheets, do you understand?"

Sheldon stuck out his chin defiantly, "I really don't see why what kind of sheets I have on my bed should matter. Is the thread count somehow tied to the quality of the coit …", He sucked his teeth, "sex?"

Oswald glared at his camera, "It matters because the only face Amy should be sitting on is yours."

Sheldon looked somewhat affronted, he knew Oswald had just made some type of sexual pun, but he wasn't entirely sure in what it meant, "I beg your pardon!"

Oswald continued, "What I mean is, when it's finally just you, her and the bed. She will be vulnerable and maybe even a little scared …"

Sheldon's shoulders sank a bit; he didn't like the idea of Amy being scared about _anything. _Not if he could help it.

"… and _you _will need to step up show Amy that big boy Sheldon is both capable of taking the lead, but secure enough to back off and let her steer the ship when she's ready. Star Trek sheets don't set that kind of mood."

Sheldon found himself become a little defensive, "So I am just supposed to get rid of the things I enjoy to show Amy what a big strong man I am?" He asked haughtily, remembering the time Leonard was sulking and willing to part with all of his cherished collectables in order to win over Penny. He vowed then that he would never allow a female to have that kind of control over him.

Oswald sighed, "No one is saying get rid of the things you like. Has Amy ever asked you to change who you are?"

Sheldon cocked his head sheepishly, "Well no …"

Oswald nodded, "I thought so. Hey, if you love Star Trek, that's cool. But how is Amy supposed to let go of her own inhibitions and feel sexy if she's sprawled across the crew of the Enterprise?"

Sheldon blinked at this, _Amy should feel ... sexy? _He was so consumed with understanding the mechanics, that he hadn't considered _feelings. _

Oswald took a breath and tried his hardest to make the robot-man understand. "A bed should be a canvas Sheldon. And Amy should be your only color, your only focus, let nothing else distract you."

Sheldon mulled this over. Involuntarily, a small smile crept across Sheldon's lips as he finally allowed himself to imagine, just a for a moment, Amy peacefully staring up at him. _My only color._

_Physics makes me so happy. Amy makes me so happy. Physics is like looking at the universe naked. _

_Amy ... naked._

Sheldon sucked in his bottom lip and let out a tiny moan of a sigh.

"Question, does my bed have to be a canvas?" He asked his tutor shyly.

Oswald shrugged, "What else did you have in mind?"

Sheldon looked down at his keyboard, "Well, I think ... I'd like it to imagine it ... as a white board."

Oswald grinned in approval, "We can work with that Dr. Cooper."

* * *

><p>Amy had a puzzled look on her face as she shook her head, "But Sheldon isn't like other men, Penny."<p>

Penny shrugged, "True, most men aren't uptight virgin geniuses obsessed with physics and comic books who have to be sung to sleep when they are sick …" She stifled a hiccup "… but Sheldon cares about you. I can see it when he looks at you and trust me, that look blows his Koala face out of the water. "

Amy sighed, "I do love the way he smiles at me. He makes me feel like there is a secret that only the two of us share."

Penny swirled her glass of wine, "I think you make Sheldon feel the same way Amy, even if he doesn't see it yet." She took another sip, "I have known Sheldon a long time and I really do love that nutcase, he's family. We've been through a lot together and I can honestly say I have never seen him happier then when he's with you."

Penny's words lifted Amy's heart and she perked up a bit, "So, do you think there is a chance that someday he'll want to, as you put it, get his freak on?" She asked hopefully.

Penny chuckled, "Oh Sweetie! You woke up braless this morning didn't you? And I noticed how tongue tied he was around you last night in that green dress. It might not be in two months or even two years, but someday Sheldon Cooper will be tripping over himself to break the seal on that mint condition toy of yours and play with it …" Penny highlighted her prediction by raising her eyebrows and over articulating " … a lot."

Amy couldn't help but blush at the sudden thought of Sheldon wearing nothing but his train conductor's cap, eagerly using his long nimble fingers to play with her _toy_, "I hope so Bestie. I really, really hope so."

* * *

><p>"Amy wants you, so that is what we are going to give her—you. The upgraded you." Oswald's voice rang out of Sheldon's laptop.<p>

Sheldon twinkled at this, "Like Sheldon 2.0?"

Oswald ran his hand through his hair, "Actually, think of yourself more as _Bionic Sheldon_. This isn't about making major changes. It's about boosting what you've already got and learning how to use it to its maximum potential. A big confidence factor is being aware of your own body and what's it capable of."

Sheldon pondered this skeptically, "Bionic? So is it your expert opinion is that I start exercising?"

"Well … in a manner of speaking." Oswald replied.

Sheldon's eyebrows knitted together. "What are you suggesting exactly?"

"How often do you masturbate?" He asked calmly, as though he simply asked what his favorite pizza topping was.

Sheldon sputtered. His face grew beet red and he fought the urge to shut the laptop in panic. "I … I … um … I hardly think … I mean … is that relevant?"

Oswald noticed his pupil's discomfort. "Relax, breathe. It is relevant, believe me. So, how often do you do it?"

Sheldon knew exactly how many times he'd done it and when, thanks to his eidetic memory. "Not often." He practically whispered. He then looked around his room, his eyes avoiding the screen he quickly added, "seven."

"Seven what?"

"Seven times."

"A week?"

"No."

"A month?"

"No."

Oswald raised an eyebrow, "Seven times a year?"

Sheldon gulped, "No. There have been seven instances in my life where I have partaken in self-abuse ... to completion."

Oswald was speechless. _Self-abuse? Completion? _

Sheldon continued, "I was thirteen the first time. Fifteen the second time, I did it twice when I was seventeen—it had been a trying year, the fifth time was several years ago at a sperm bank, the sixth time was when was when I hopelessly stuck on an equation and was desperate to get some sleep … and …"

Oswald blinked and finally spoke, "… and the last time?"

"The most recent offense was two weeks ago." Sheldon stated.

"This wouldn't have been after the movie night with the strawberries, now would it?" Oswald asked with a cheeky grin.

Sheldon nodded guiltily, "I tried to fight it … I did try. I meditated using the Vulcan method of Kohlinar the entire time she was driving me back to my apartment. I attempted to push away the purr in her voice and the scent of her shampoo. Nevertheless, I find myself unable to push away the thought of how she smiles at me, it is as if there were a secret that only she and I know. Later that evening, I was showering before bed and I was thinking about how it would have been if she had kissed me and ... it just happened. Against my better judgment and my strong personal reservations ... I just couldn't help myself." Sheldon looked a little pained, as though he just confessed to committing a serious crime.

Oswald gave the camera an understanding nod, "Sheldon, it's fine. That's normal."

Sheldon instantly scoffed with an eye roll, "_Normal_ ... that is exactly what I wanted to avoid."

Oswald sat up and clapped his hands together, "Well then, Dr. Cooper are you ready for your homework?"

Sheldon eyed his screen cautiously, "Homework was not discussed Oswald. Should I have taken notes?"

"Nope, notes are not necessary. It's only one assignment and I am sure you'll get a quick handle on it." Oswald said, moving his hand with a crass fisted gesture.

Sheldon sat up rigidly, "Please, please, please tell me you are rolling Dungeons and Dragons dice!"

Oswald chuckled, "Nope. Your homework assignment is to practice ... jerkin' it."

Sheldon's face went pale with realization and his eye twitched, "But why? Shouldn't I be saving '_it'_?"

Oswald shook his head, "Training your body to delay its gratification is absolutely critical. You don't want to pop like a bottle of warm champagne before you even get to the deed, do you?"

Sheldon squirmed and gripped his laptop tighter, his throat was dry, "Do you mean premature ejac…"

"Yes Sheldon!", Oswald interrupted, "That is _exactly_ what I mean. A few times this week, give it a try. When you feel that you are close, hold off and slow down. Focus on your breathing, then try a different rhythm and build yourself up again. Do this a couple of times before allowing yourself to come ... "

Sheldon suddendly felt dizzy as Oswald gave his instructions.

"... and most importantly, think about Amy. Do you think you can do that, Six Million Dollar Man?"

Sheldon's brain and heart began their debate again. He needed Pepto and he needed it now.

_I love Amy and I want her with me. _

_I do not want to be another mindless slave to physical desire like Raj, Leonard and Howard. _

_That's impossible, you are nothing like them. _

_What about all the microorganisms and bacteria? __What if I am no good at it? _

_You excel at everything you apply yourself to, with the small exception of operating a motor vehicle. _

_Maybe this was a bad idea, what if my IQ drops? I should simply inform Oswald that I have changed my mind and we should forget the whole thing._

_Amy Farrah Fowler. _

"Well?" Oswald asked impatiently.

Sheldon sat quietly for another moment and then gave the screen a curt nod.

"My Mama didn't raise her no quitters."

* * *

><p><strong><em>Chapter 17 in the works. Time for a little Han Solo action, get it? I know, I'm awful. Thanks for reading and LLTS!<em>**


	17. No More Tears

_**Chapter 17! "No More Tears" (MA)**_

_**_**Standard disclaimers applied. Reviews are welcomed. Enjoy & LLTS!**_**_

* * *

><p>Sheldon Lee Cooper loves his Mama and would never dare sass her, but even as a child he recognized the inefficiency of her technique when bathing him. The frazzled mother of three always seemed to miss a small patch of skin somewhere or would overlook the back of one of his ears. Not to mention the added frustration of suffering through Missy's splashing and incessant giggling.<p>

"Mommy, don't forget my feet." A five year old Sheldon reminded his mother as he lifted his tiny foot out of the bathwater, wiggling his toes directly under her nose.

_"Mommy, don't forget my feet."_ Missy would mimic as she raked her hand across the surface of the water, hitting him square in the eye, making his eyes sting and tear up because of the soap. "Missy, stop it!" He would whine. _"Missy, stop it!"_ She would repeat with a high pitch laugh and then do it again.

This simply would not do.

When Sheldon turned six years old, he attempted to convince his mother that he was more than capable of bathing himself without her assistance. She objected with a smile, "But honey, you're still a baby. It's dangerous for you to be in the bath alone."

A pint-sized titan in his Scooby-Doo pajamas, Sheldon stood his ground. His little arms folded across his chest and his pouty bottom lip shoved out in protest. Large blue eyes flashed up at her, "Mommy, please? I can do it! I know how! I'm not a baby! Pleeeeease?" He pleaded. Mary Cooper took a deep breath and exhaled with defeat, "Fine Shellybean, you scrub your own behind from now on, but I stay with you until you're old enough to be alone."

Over the next few months, the little genius proved that he could indeed be left alone to bathe himself, with the door open of course. But eventually, Mary Cooper conceded once again and the bathroom door was allowed shut as well. No Mama and no Missy. _Hallelujah!_

Sheldon didn't relish sitting in stagnate bathwater the way Missy had; he found that he preferred the consistent flow of water that showering provided. As a boy, he imagined the little drops carrying the dirt and sweat down the drain far, far away from him. Throughout the years that followed, Sheldon had perfected both his morning and evening bathing rituals to fit his needs and his schedule.

Showering now being a seamless process, the routine itself had become simple and effectual. He would first lather up his palms thoroughly with his favorite hypoallergenic, fragrance-free shower gel; since washcloths and bars of soap retain and transfer bacteria. And with sudsy hands he would always start from the top. His face, ears and so forth. Then over the next twelve to fifteen minutes, he would systematically work his way down to the bottom, always ending at his calves, his ankles and finally his feet—this allowed for proper run off. He never lingered on any particular region or body part; it was a waste of time and water.

To his flawless recollection, the first time Sheldon had "abused" himself; it was out of sheer curiosity. Making the conscious decision at thirteen that he would uncover what all the fuss was about, he carefully planned his first session. It wasn't unpleasant, perhaps a bit overrated. He was rather tingly afterwards, but he had trouble accepting the gooeyness of the act—it had been messy. He didn't do messy. Much to his discomfort, his underwear and Tuesday pajama bottoms were damp and sticky. This forced him to wear the next pair of bottoms in his pajama rotation, which is he was not pleased about. Sheldon concluded that if he ever partook in the act again (and that was a big "_if_") it would have to be in the shower.

Since then, the next three instances were attributed to a basic need to relieve stress; the fifth instance seemed like easy money at the local sperm bank to upgrade his internet bandwidth. The sixth time was a final attempt to exhaust himself after almost 48 hours of sleeplessness, his mind unable to shut down due to a confounding formulaic equation that just wouldn't coalesce and had been plaguing him every waking hour.

Each time, he would close his eyes and focus only on the sensations coiling his loins, allowing his mind to go blank. There was no fantasizing—there was no need for it. The mere physical sensations were enough to complete the act. Not making a sound, he would climax with a quiet shudder after a few minutes of quick and controlled stroking, not bothering to look at his penis until cleanup was needed. He couldn't bring himself to watch the act as he did it.

The seventh and most recent time was new in the sense that it had been a totally unplanned occurrence. It was also the first time he actually thought about something, or rather _someone_ while doing it. He was simply following his evening shower routine, his back to the hot spray of water. He was straining not to dwell on what almost happened in Amy's apartment that very night, but the fresh memories assaulted his senses.

_She leaned in towards me … she smiled … that smile that tells me she has a secret … her eyes narrowed in on my mouth … she moved closer … her lips inched towards mine … she was so close … I felt a strange tingle in my jawbone … my heart rate had sped up as she stared at me … curious … her eyes moved over the length of my body … I felt her eyes … I can still feel her eyes … she was … she was touching me … all over … with just her eyes … her beautiful eyes … down my chest … my stomach … my … my … my … her lips … so close to my own …_

But Amy hadn't kissed him; instead she moved away and turned from him. She followed the rules and Sheldon found himself baffled by his disappointment with this. _Did I want to be kissed?_ He closed his eyes as his hands absent-mindedly glided across his abdomen as he began to reimagine the incident.

_I push myself forward to kiss her … I don't know why but I have to kiss her… I have to … she is surprised … I am surprised … my heart is racing … I kiss her again … she kisses me back … slowly … her lips are soft … her breath is warm … I am not afraid … I am alert … every part of me is awake … I feel her arms wrapping around me … I let her … I trust her … she's so close now … I can feel her heart … her heart is beating against mine … there is no panic … only warmth … only her ... she presses herself against me … she sighs my name ... I am not afraid … I allow my hands to reach out … to touch her … _

Sheldon's eyes flew open as he let out a deep strangled groan from his throat. He looked down and was stunned to see own his hips slowly driving forward of their own accord, his thick erection firmly clutched in his soapy right hand.

_STOP! STOP! STOP!_ His brain shrilled at him.

He continued to watch with wide eyes as his hand ignored his brain's command and began to increase its speed, his slick fingers enthusiastically sliding from base to tip and back again, his mouth hanging agape at the sight. It was wrong! He was so aroused, but it was wrong!

_YOU HAVE TO STOP! RESTRAIN YOURSELF COOPER! STOP THIS NOW!_

But Sheldon's composure was a speck on the horizon the moment he pictured Amy's soft hand caressing his stiff length—imagining her voice whispering his name over and over as she stroked him past the point of no return.

And as quickly as it started, it was going to be over just as fast. His knees buckled and he was forced to brace himself with his free hand against the tiled wall. He was practically humping the air as he worked himself at a feverish pace.

Within seconds, he was grunting like a man possessed. His entire body suddendly stilled and then tensed as he came with a roar. A steady stream of small, but intense bursts of molten pleasure shot out of him, his buttocks clenching as he coated his knuckles and marked the shower floor.

It was the shortest record for Sheldon reaching his orgasm, but it was the strongest one he'd ever felt.

A minute or so went by as he stood there, panting, he finally relaxed his fingers and released himself as he began to softened up. He slowly turned himself around on weak legs and held his trembling right hand under the warm spray and watched with a mix of awe and disgust as the water carried away the evidence of his transgression.

_Far, far away._

But Sheldon had witnessed it all, which now meant he would never forget it. This had not been mere curiosity or scheduled stress relief, this was something else entirely. This was hard to define and that alarmed him. His limbs felt both light and heavy all at once, he was in a daze of numbing afterglow, shame and confusion.

After regaining himself, Sheldon felt obligated to restart his evening shower routine, paying special attention to his right hand as he vigorously scrubbed the palm.

* * *

><p>That was fifteen days ago and he swore that incident would never happen again, regardless of the fact that he loved Amy. He refused to be dominated by anything but logic, lust was a quicksand trap. But little did Sheldon Lee Cooper know that he was already stuck and had been gradually sinking the moment he looked into Amy's dark emerald eyes.<p>

It was time for Sheldon's evening shower again. However, tonight, everything had changed. That previous oath from two weeks prior had to be broken in order to keep Amy in his world. He couldn't lose her over something so primitive, so mundane. He was a genius after all, surely he could handle sex?

But once scrubbed clean, he remained stationary facing the spray, his head bent down under the nozzle as he allowed the hot waterfall to rain down on him for what seemed like hours, even though it had only been an additional five minutes. The confined space was now brimming with dense steam, forcing his lungs to work harder and he breathed in deeply through his mouth.

Sheldon's forearms tensed instinctively as he leaned them against the tile in front of him, leveling them with his face. He balled into his large hands fists as he looked down at his pale toes, he wiggled them.

_If only I could control the rest of my body as easily, _he thought sardonically.

Sheldon's nervous system was as taut as a bow, he had desperately tried not to think about the "homework" Oswald had assigned earlier that evening while he washed himself methodically, but now, with the water beating down on his head and shoulders, he knew the act could not be circumvented if he truly wished to give Amy the complete and satisfying experience she merited.

He leaned in closer to the tile, putting more of his weight against his arms. He bent down lower by a few inches so that his face was no longer in the direct path of the spray. His half-lidded gaze moved up slowly to his groin, he observed his inner thighs and the dark thatch of damp pubic hair with indifference. But his chest seized up with trepidation as his began to stare at his lifeless member.

_What am I getting myself into? _

Resting his forehead on his left forearm, he brought his right hand down and gingerly rested the center of his palm over the velvety head. Gently, he curled his thumb up and ran it over the slit.

Almost immediately, he removed his hand and pushed himself away from the wall. His panic began to claw at him. "I can't do this." He stammered aloud. "I ... just can't."

Sheldon buried his wet face in his wet hands, "I'm sorry Amy." He sighed into his skin. "I'm so sorry."

"If I may make a suggestion?" A familiar male voice sprang out behind him.

Sheldon yelped and spun around violently, covering his genitals with both hands.

"Who goes there?" Sheldon shrieked, his eyes darting around wildly. "Leonard, if that's you, then you are in serious violation of the roommate agreement. Two strikes Sir! That is two strikes!"

"No Sheldon, I am down here." The male voice answered. Sheldon's anxious eyes search the small space, looking down at the floor. The steam from the shower was almost opaque, making it nearly impossible for him to see much of anything. Sheldon then paused and carefully lifted his hands off of himself; he stared at his limp member as his lip trembled. "Hello?" He croaked.

"No Sheldon, I am not your penis." The voice said, with a tone of mild exasperation. "I am down here, in the corner. The bottle …"

Sheldon shielded his privates yet again as he strained to look towards the sound of the familiar voice. He knew that man's voice, he knew it as well as his own voice, as well as he knew Spock's voice … _it couldn't be, could it?_

A small slender shape began to form; it was a blue plastic bottle. It was Leonard's "No More Tears" Star Trek shampoo. He had purchased this one when his usual first choice of Darth Vader had sold out.

Sheldon took a timid step towards the bottle as the sticker came into view; he was greeted by the two-dimensional smirking face of a young James Tiberius Kirk.

Sheldon squeaked, "Kirk?"

"That's _Captain_ to you, young man." The legend replied, his lips never moving.

* * *

><p><em><strong>If TBBT can have special guest stars, they so can we! Am I right? They did Tiny Spock, I'll do Tiny Kirk! <strong>_

_**Chapter 18 is in the works. Again, reviews are welcomed. LLTS!**_


	18. Orion

_**Chapter 18! "Orion" (MA)**_

_**_**Standard disclaimers are still applied. **_**_

_**_**Reviews and feedback are always welcomed. Enjoy & LLTS!**_**_

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><p>Sheldon gawked in amazement at Leonard's blue bottle of shampoo. He was in the shower, actually conversing with a sticker depicting the 1968 Captain James T. Kirk.<p>

"Am I dreaming?" Sheldon asked innocently, attempting to hide his nudity with strategically placed hands. The irrefutable voice of Captain Kirk scoffed, "What kind of question is that? Of course you are dreaming Sheldon. If this were real, I would be forty four years older counting my money in sunny southern California, not chatting up a naked man in a shower. That was always more of a Sulu thing."

"So I am in bed right now?" Sheldon inquired with a note of relief in his voice. The Captain's voice replied again, "Yes Sheldon, you are in your bed, fast asleep. But just because you are dreaming does not mean that you can avoid the task at hand—so to speak. There are certain things men must do to remain men."

Sheldon thought for a moment and raised a wary eyebrow at the bottle, "Are you quoting yourself?"

"I am the Captain of the USS Enterprise; I can do whatever the hell I please." He retorted arrogantly.

Sheldon rolled his eyes. _Oh_ _boy, Tiny Kirk is a diva. _

The Captain sighed, "As I was saying, I have a suggestion regarding your predicament."

Sheldon tilted his wet face and gave the bottle a cynical smirk, "And what makes you qualified to offer me advice on this particular topic? Just because you are a Federation Captain and you got around a little does not make you an authority on …" He dropped his voice to a whisper, "S-E-X."

"For God's sake man, you are an adult male in your sexual prime and you are still spelling out the word sex?" The voice asked as the lifeless eyes on the bottle stared blankly into the distance.

Sheldon began to chew his lip nervously; his hands still hiding his groin. "That doesn't answer my question Captain."

The voice groaned with annoyance, "Spock told me you were pain in the ass…"

Sheldon frowned, "Spock said that?"

"No, actually he said that you were remarkably intelligent and quite capable of making incredible scientific discoveries in the future. But, he also called you obstinate and mildly petulant. And I have known Spock long enough to know when he's calling someone a pain in the ass in Vulcan."

Sheldon's shoulders dropped as he pouted slightly, "Well, be that as it may, it still doesn't answer my question. What advice do you think you can offer me?"

The voice grew stern, "Spock may have been the authority on logic, but who got laid—all the time?"

Sheldon shrugged, his wet hair matted to his forehead, "Well, I suppose you were a bit of a ladies' man."

The voice coming from the blue bottle let out a haughty snicker, "A bit? Look at me! I'm young. I'm handsome. With the kind of animal magnetism that had women purring like tribbles. I could get any female I wanted, at any time, in any galaxy. Hell, they were throwing themselves at me—even green ones! "

Sheldon's nose twitched at this, "Point taken Captain." He exhaled, "Very well, I will attempt to be receptive to your counsel."

The Captain cleared his throat as his face remained still and two-dimensional. "Sheldon, you are going about this the wrong way. Oswald's instructions were clear; you have to think about Amy."

Sheldon huffed, "But _I AM_ thinking about Amy. I am doing all of this for her!"

"No Sheldon, you are thinking about how you might disappoint her. You are tying yourself in knots fussing about whether or not Amy will leave you if you don't put out. You are making this whole experience into a chore, when it should be an opportunity to advance yourself."

Sheldon's eyebrows came together defensively, "Advance myself? Captain, I'll have you know that I am already head and shoulders above my so-called colleagues with my theoretical research; you could set Big Ben by my digestive system and all four of my wisdom teeth fit comfortably in my mouth. If I had twelve fingers and twelve toes, I'd be perfect."

"I am sure you are impressive in most respects Sheldon, but you are still incomplete." The voice replied.

Sheldon considered the Captain's observation. He rejected it.

"Amy completes me." Sheldon said softly.

The voice from the bottle laughed triumphantly, "Now _that's_ what I wanted to hear my boy!"

Sheldon blinked with confusion, "What do you mean?"

The voice continued happily, "Love Sheldon … _Love_! That is what I mean! You have to boldly go where no man has gone before with Amy. Get out of your brilliant head and start relying on your feelings. That's all any woman really wants. Your heart."

Sheldon shook his head, "Dammit Jim! I'm a doctor, not a hippie!"

If the Captain could roll his eyes, he would have.

The voice explained, "Spock may be about cold hard logical facts, which has its value—I won't deny it. But I was always the passion, the _heart _of the Enterprise. You need both of us Sheldon—Spock _and_ Kirk. Logic _and_ Love."

Sheldon pondered this, he wasn't entirely sure he understood. This was indeed new terrain for him and his self-created Vulcan half needed answers, "What are you proposing I do?"

"I am proposing that you put the good book of logic down, for now, and take a page from mine. Simply _feel _Sheldon, keeping your newly discovered love for Amy foremost in your thoughts. The rest will flow naturally. That is, unless you don't mind some other stud having a crack at Amy? I am sure Oswald would be open to folding her over his king size bed like a paper plane. "

Sheldon's chest puffed up while his jaw clenched, he did not appreciate that one bit. "You will watch your mouth Kirk or I will pour you down the drain!"

The voice was unfazed, "Sheldon, what I am suggesting is not impossible. You have already begun to tap into your more passionate nature and if I recall, you were rewarded with notable, albeit speedy results."

Sheldon instantly reddened in the tiny Captain's presence, "Oh my Lord, you saw … _that_?" He gulped.

"I sure did." The voice replied with a snicker. "Way to get in touch with your inner Kirk."

Sheldon felt faint, he had masturbated in front of James T. Kirk. Granted, this Kirk was a sticker on a shampoo bottle, but nevertheless it was an incredibly disturbing realization.

"I don't think I can do that again." Sheldon continued dejectedly, "I love Amy and I do … _desire_ her, but I have always been a Spock. I am a man of science, not sex. How could I ever be a Kirk?"

The voice remained silent.

"Captain?"

Still, there was nothing.

"Tiny Kirk?"

Sheldon waited a few more seconds and then with one hand still covering his privates, Sheldon turned the bottle of shampoo around, moving Kirk's face away from him.

Kirk was gone and Sheldon was left with only the sound of the water raining down on the shower floor.

_When I am going to wake up?_

"Hey Cuddles." a female voice whispered in his ear. He shuddered as he felt two soft hands glide under his arms and around his waist from behind, embracing his wet torso and squeezing him gently.

"Amy?" he gasped softly.

The mirage giggled as she let go, allowing him to turn around to face her. Dream Amy was standing directly under the spray of hot water, but she was bone dry. Not one drop touched her. Sans her glasses, she was wearing her blue nightgown, the silky one he put on her in the middle of the night as she slept peacefully. The fabric seemed to float above her smooth skin as she stared up at him sweetly with those hypnotic green eyes.

To Sheldon's puzzlement, every part of Amy was green except the nightgown. Green skin, dark green hair, she was simply green … like an Orion slave girl.

_I really should wake up now._

Sheldon's hands continued to protect his modesty. "Why are you in my dream? And why are you green?" He asked with a shaky voice. She raised her index finger to his mouth and he felt the tiniest electric shock as the pad of the single green digit lightly pressed against his lips.

"Shush", she whispered back. He submitted.

She removed her finger and smiled, still untouched by the water—still magically dry.

Orion Amy spoke, "Did you know that Orion slave women secrete a powerful pheromone which is nearly impossible to resist?"

Sheldon felt his heart skip a beat; Amy was talking about Star Trek! A prickle of heat moved up his neck and into his face.

"I did know that. I also know that Orion females were not enslaved at all, but rather the enslavers. They were discovered to be agents in a plot to capture the Enterprise. ", He countered smugly.

But his smugness was short lived as Orion Amy slowly brought her hand up and ran her fingers through his sprinkling of damp chest hair. He shivered.

"So, which one are you Sheldon?" She purred, "Slave or Master?"

_It is just a dream_, he told himself. _I am in bed. I am not really naked. I could wake up at any moment. This is not really my Amy. _

But then again, it wasn't really him either, now was it? It was dream Amy _and_ dream Sheldon.

_Perhaps ... since it is just a dream ... I could be Kirk ... just the once ... _

With the steam billowing around them and without a word being said, Sheldon gradually let his hands fall to his sides.

He lowered his face towards her. The apparition then placed a gentle closed mouth kiss on his lips. It was so much like their first kiss, sweet and tender, but over too soon.

The vision slid her hands across his wet skin and began to gently massage the tightness at the base of his neck, he groaned with contentment. His hands instinctively came up and gripped her waist, his palms rubbing the silky fabric as she continued to work her sorcery on him. Her fingers circled and kneaded the tense muscles, slowly reducing his neck and shoulders to gelatin.

"I wish I knew what to do." He finally said with a sigh, pressing his forehead against hers.

Her hands suddenly stopped, she hoisted herself on her toes and kissed the tip of his nose. She then quickly turned around and looked back at him. Sheldon stood there flushed, wet, semi-erect and hesitant as to how to proceed. His heart thudded harder and faster as he watched her gather her long green silky hair and drape it across one shoulder.

Sheldon's mouth moved but nothing came out. _Am I going to wake up now?_

Grinning, she broke their eye contact and turned away from him. She then daintily flicked the thin straps of the nightgown over her soft green shoulders and allowed the satin to fall to her feet, exposing the smooth expanse of her back, her round green backside clad only in sheer peach and black lace.

"Are we nervous, Dr. Cooper?" She asked with a giggle, looking back over her bare shoulder with a coquettish smirk.

Sheldon waited for the fear, for the terror of the unknown to burst out and claim him, but none came. Instead he found himself continuing to harden at sight of her.

Cautiously, he approached her, his torso almost grazing her back. He lightly cupped her face, turning her to face him for another kiss. Only this time, she deliberately opened her mouth and carefully pried his mouth open with her tongue. He tensed at first, but he didn't pull away. It was a deep, unhurried kiss; both of them softly sighing as their tongues delicately swirled and lapped against each other.

Orion Amy then assertively wrapped her arms around Sheldon and pulled him even deeper to her hungry mouth, sensing how his body was truly responding. Sheldon flailed a bit and gasped into her kiss but still he didn't pull away, instead choosing to lean into it and open his mouth a bit wider.

She finally broke the kiss and ran her tongue over her top lip like a cat, her eyes cutting into his. She was so passionate, so unapologetically primal.

Sheldon's wet lips were slightly swollen and his pupils were dilated, he was breathing heavily, "Am I going to wake up now?" He asked with a pant.

Orion Amy smiled in response as she reached between them and wrapped her elegant green hand around his semi-erect state. Sheldon's abdomen convulsed as he let out a blissful moan. His body rejoiced as Orion Amy's clever fingers stroked the underside of his shaft, encouraging him to lengthen, which he did-quickly.

"Good gravy!" He gasped, his thighs quivering with each delightfully slick tug.

"Do you like that Baby?" She growled, her voice vibrating through him. _Baby?_ He paused for a fraction of a second, he wasn't sure where he subconscious picked that up from, but he quickly decided he rather liked it; in fact he liked it a lot. "Call me that again." He commanded softly.

She placed several feather light kisses up his neck and on his chin before obeying with a whisper between his lips, "Do you want more, Baby?" Sheldon could only vehemently nod with a lopsided smile.

In the waking world, he didn't think he could handle this—so much skin, so much touching. But, this was a dream, a wonderfully vivid dream where he was Captain Kirk and Amy was his sexy green Orion slave girl.

Sheldon's awkward hand tried to find its way between them as well, fumbling as he attempted to stroke her over her panties. Not that he was sure where to touch her or even how to touch her, he only knew that he desperately needed to hear her moan under his ministrations. He wanted to make her feel this good, he needed that power. But both his arms simply dropped, grasping her hips; he was too far gone under her masterful attention to his twitching erection to think about anything else.

The green goddess began to alternate between nibbling and kissing his chest possessively, while her other hand lovingly caressed his rear, squeezing and lightly running her fingernails over his flesh. All the while she never stopped stroking him into oblivion.

The combination of sensations was about to tear off the last strip of Sheldon's fleeting self-control, "Oh merciful heavens!"

_Don't wake up Cooper, don't you dare wake up! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! DO NOT WAKE UP!_

He woke up.

Sheldon lay flat on his back as his blue eyes shot open. He was panting on his bed as though he had just run a marathon. His chest heaved as he brought his hand to his forehead, he was drenched with sweat. Sheldon looked around his room, at some point he must have kicked off his quilt and top sheet because they were hanging off the side of his bed. He felt unbearably hot; his pajamas were strangling him, especially his bottoms.

Sheldon glanced at his alarm clock, it was almost midnight.

He needed a shower.

* * *

><p>Leonard awoke to that all too familiar and uncomfortable sensation of needing to pee. He groped for his glasses on his nightstand and yawned while putting them on. "I just had to have another blue raspberry Super Gulp before bed, didn't I?" He muttered to himself.<p>

After he trudged off his bed he reached for his robe and sleepily threw it over himself. As he dragged his socked feet across the hallway and got closer to the bathroom door he heard the distinct sound of the shower tap being turned off.

Leonard rubbed his chin; _Sheldon's taking a shower in the middle of the night? Well, that's ... weird. _

He was about to knock to ask if Sheldon was alright when the bathroom door swung open.

"Leonard!" Sheldon gasped, "What are you doing? You nearly scared the bejesus out of me!"

Leonard raised his head and squinted at his roommate, "I live here remember? I need to use the bathroom. "

Sheldon noticed Leonard bouncing on his toes, "Super Gulp?"

With a look of embarrassment, Leonard nodded.

Sheldon shook his wet head at the smaller man and stepped out of the steamy bathroom, heading towards his bedroom. "Go ahead; I'm going back to bed."

Leonard walked into the bathroom, but then popped his head back out in realization. He watched curiously as Sheldon opened the door to his room, "Uh Sheldon?"

The taller man looked back at him, his eyelids were heavy with what Leonard assumed was sleepiness. Sheldon was holding his pocket watch.

_Again, weird._

"Yes?"

"What are you wearing?" Leonard asked cautiously.

Sheldon looked down at himself then looked back at Leonard with a raised eyebrow, "My robe, obviously."

Leonard raised his hand to his temple, still examining his roommate's appearance, "Yes, I can see that. I suppose my question really is, why aren't you wearing your pajamas? I've never seen you in just your robe."

"I was hot." He replied curtly before glancing down at his pocket watch.

"And why do you have that?" Leonard asked, although he wasn't entirely sure he wanted to know the answer.

Sheldon's eye twitched slightly as closed the watch and slipped it into his robe pocket, "Just an experiment. Nothing that concerns you."

Before Leonard could ask any more questions, Sheldon quickly shuffled into his room and slammed the door.

Leonard stood in the hallway for a moment, a puzzled look on his face. He then shrugged and went into the bathroom, deciding his need to relieve himself was more important than discovering what fresh wackiness Sheldon was up to. After handling his business, Leonard went to wash his hands when something caught his eye.

His shampoo bottle had been turned so that the label was now facing the tiled wall of the shower.

* * *

><p>Once back in the dim sanctity of his bedroom, Sheldon removed his robe and began to redress himself in his white briefs and the evening's designated pajamas.<p>

Looking down at his Star Trek sheets he gave the image of Captain Kirk a respectful nod.

Now dressed for it, Sheldon climbed into his soft bed and pulled the covers over himself.

"Eight minutes, twenty seven seconds." He said aloud, "I can do better."

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><p><em><strong>Again, Reviews and feedback are always welcomed. LLTS! Chapter 19 in progress. <strong>_


	19. Oprahteriyaki

**Chapter 19! Hope you enjoy it. "Oprahteriyaki"**

**Standard disclaimers are applied, I own nothing. Reviews are always welcomed. And, of course, LLTS! **

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><p>It was nearly midnight in Amy's apartment and she, along her best friend Penny were now officially drunk off their asses, having drained the Riesling with the added assistance of a certain petite microbiologist. Earlier in the evening, Bernadette had eagerly joined the duo after spending the majority of the day with Howard and his mother, the earsplitting Mrs. Wolowitz. It had been an arduous task for the teeny strawberry blonde. After driving three hours out to Mrs. Wolowitz's nail salon for her pedicure (those brave, brave people) and then driving three hours back, all the while having to listen to Howard and his mother squabble about which was better on a potato pancake, sour cream or apple sauce, followed by dinner which included more of the same sparkling conversation, Bernadette was more than keen to catch up with her girls and wrap her freakishly small hands around some alcohol, <em>any<em> alcohol.

As they relaxed on Amy's couch, tiny Bernadette sat in the middle; flanked by her two taller friends she held her freshly emptied glass to master pourer Penny.

"You couldn't pay me enough to give Howard's mother a pedicure." Penny slurred as she filled Bernadette's glass for the third time since she had arrived. "I mean, you could, but it would have to be like a fuck load of money!"

Amy repeated Penny's salty language with a giggle, "Fuck load". She didn't know why that was so humorous, but she giggled dizzily anyway.

Bernadette shrugged with a small twinkle in her eye, "It wasn't that bad. Well, some of it was just plain awful, but, some parts of the day were kind of … nice." She gave them both a sneaky smile as she crossed her legs.

Penny eyed the smaller blonde, "I know that smile! You had that same look whenever you gave Priya regular Coke and told her it was diet!"

The three women immediately paused and muttered in perfect unison, "Bitch."

Amy then took Penny's lead and continued in a sing-song voice, "Bernie did something naughty!"

Penny perked up, "Ooh, did you swipe a bottle of nail polish? I use to do that all the time at the Walgreens back in Nebraska."

Amy scrunched up her nose at her best gal pal, "Bestie, you pilfered nail polish? Isn't that rather unprincipled?"

Penny pursed her lips, "Not if the color is really cute … or if a slut named Mandy who works there lets your boyfriend finger her during junior prom."

Amy tilted her head and pondered this, "Interesting." She then giggled again, "Finger."

Penny nudged Bernadette's leg with her own, "You look like the cat that swallowed the canary. Come clean! What did you do?"

Bernadette blushed as she ran her finger up and down the stem of the wine glass, "It's kind of funny that you should use that particular expression."

Swallowing a sip, Amy licked her lips, "How so?"

Bernadette's blush only deepened, "Well … while Howie's mother was getting her pedicure … we decided to go for a little drive around the neighborhood. We were both feeling a little … spicy … so we found an empty parking lot … and I guess you could say that I was the cat and Howie was the canary!" She made a happy mewing sound before taking a dainty sip of her own wine.

Penny's glassy eyes blinked before her mouth dropped open in horrified realization, "Ew! Bernadette, you didn't?" She quickly cleared her throat and attempted to back pedal. "I mean, yippee if you two enjoyed it, but still, it's Howard."

Bernadette let out a little squeaky laugh, not slighted in the least, "I did enjoy it. I love my Howie and I love seeing him all crazed and helpless. Doing it makes me feel kind of … I don't know … powerful. And he's so sweet and grateful afterwards, it's a real hoot."

Amy's eyebrows furrowed, a small confused frown formed on her lips. A little unsteadily, she placed her glass down on the coffee table. "I am assuming by your flushed cheeks and Penny's shocked reaction, that this was some sort of spontaneous sexual encounter. But, it is unclear to me what you did and why it made you feel powerful."

Penny and Bernadette exchanged glances; they had almost forgotten that while Amy was familiar with the technical accepts of sex, she was generally inexperienced and on occasion was unable to fully grasp their sexual innuendos. Although, unlike her boyfriend, she seemed a lot more open to talking about. All three women agreed that Sheldon could be as tightly wound as that pocket watch of his when it came to the unseemly topic of "coitus".

Penny decided to take the lead on this one, but first she took a hearty swig of wine. "Amy, we are talking about head."

Amy was even more confused, "Head? Whose head?"

Penny sighed, "No, not _a_ head—_giving_ head." She explained boldly, her flaxen ponytail swaying as she provided an exaggerated head movement for emphasis, poking her tongue into her cheek. Bernadette blasted out a surprised laugh as she playfully slapped Penny's thigh, "You are so bad!"

Amy took a beat to process this, her slightly hunched shoulders straightened as her eyes went round while turning her gaze to Bernadette, "Does Penny mean that you performed oral sex on Howard while in your vehicle?"

Bernadette tried not to cringe at the directness of the question, "Um, yeah …"

With new understanding of what they were actually discussing Amy lit up, "In ancient Greece, fellatio was referred to as playing the flute; the Kama Sutra has a whole chapter on auparishtaka, or loosely translated, mouth congress." She shared her knowledge proudly, having read several texts on the topic. But now Amy's curiosity was sparked, "And you say that stimulating Howard's phallus with your mouth somehow made you feel powerful?"

'Um, yeah …" Bernadette replied dryly before taking another sip.

Amy shook her head as she adjusted her eyeglasses, "I don't understand. This feeling you describe seems to be contradictory to the act itself. Wouldn't the receiver regard the fellatio as a form of dominance over their sexual partner because of the overt submissive nature of the act?"

Bernadette attempted to smile at her friend as she adjusted her own tiny eyeglasses, "It's not always like that Amy. When you love someone and you feel sexy, certain things can become fun to do. When a woman gains enough confidence in her skills, she can totally turn the tables and take control." She then turned her smile to Penny and added, "When I do it, Howie is like a puppet on a string. It's such a rush!"

Penny nodded in agreement, smiling back, "I remember the first time I went down on Leonard; he shook like he was being electrocuted. I'm still pretty proud of that …" She squinted at Amy, "… and wasn't Sheldon calling the shots in that freaky strawberry dream you were telling me about?"

Amy froze as her stomach dropped, she had told Penny that in confidence, but apparently the golden girl's filter had been drowned out by the wine. Bernadette reacted quickly with a smirk, "Strawberry dream? Ooh, do tell!"

Amy simply bit her lip.

Penny then leaned into Bernadette and whispered loudly in her ear, "Shush! It's a secret! No one can know that Amy loves Sheldon and has dirty dreams where he wants to lick her like a melting ice cream cone!"

Amy shrieked, "Penny! You promised! Penny slapped her hand over her mouth and drunkenly muffled out a pitiful, "Sorry Ames."

Amy took a deep breath and looked at Penny's apologetic expression, "It's alright Bestie. I forgive you. Part of me was starting to think that it was time to loop Bernadette in on recent developments anyway."

Penny swayed a bit, "It's your call Ames."

Bernadette looked a bit alarmed, "Recent developments? What happened? "

Amy placed her hand on the tiny woman's shoulder, "Bernadette, what I am about to tell you cannot leave this apartment. You are not to discuss this with anyone … especially Howard."

Bernadette glanced back at Penny who added, "I swore on my future Oscar. But, I guess I'll have to settle for an Emmy."

Releasing Bernadette, Amy took another deep breath to try and clear her head, "Do you agree to my terms and will you keep my confidence?"

Twirling a blonde curl between her fingers, Bernadette nodded, "I do and I will."

Penny sipped her wine, "Bernie, a lot has gone down …" Quickly adding with a giggle, "… besides you that is."

* * *

><p>"Holy jeepers—that Oswald guy is a cutie!" Bernadette squealed as she stared at Amy's phone.<p>

Taking the phone from her, Amy sighed as she locked at the screen. "It was quite the evening, although nothing illicit happened. But, the mere idea of Oswald's existence was enough for Sheldon to forbid me from seeing him again."

With her arms folded and her eyes half-closed Penny grumbled loudly, "He can't do that! What gives him the right to forbid you from seeing anyone? He's your boyfriend, not your father!"

Bernadette shrugged, "I don't know Penny. Some guys don't like the idea of their girlfriends having male friends. They feel threatened; remember when Howie thought that Leonard was making a play for me?"

Penny chuckled, "Oh yeah … and Leonard nearly lost his shit when I offered my couch to my ex. But still, Amy you are a grown woman and you can be friends with whomever you want."

Bernadette's eyes lit up, "Maybe the three of you can be friends? Invite Oswald to join you and Sheldon for dinner sometime."

Amy shook her head, "I am not sure if that is such a great idea considering the whole fiasco with the shirt. I don't think Sheldon would want anything to do with Oswald."

Bernadette conceded, "Yeah, you're probably right. I still can't believe that Dr. Hofstadter suggested that you sleep with another guy. No wonder Leonard has so many issues. Right now Howard's mom isn't looking so bad."

Penny sighed, "To think, that may be my future mother-in-law one day … lucky, lucky me."

Bernadette pouted, "I would have told her to stick her advice where the sun doesn't shine!"

Penny waved her hand, "Forget about Beverly, she can analyze Sheldon all she wants, that doesn't change the fact that Amy is his girlfriend and she is the one he stripped last night. I say, the wheels are already in motion and Sheldon better buckle up because Amy is going to give him the ride of his life!"

Bernadette and Penny brought their glasses together, toasting to Amy's future conquest.

Amy suddenly found herself rather anxious, her drunken jovialness giving way to a nagging sense of foreboding. She looked away from the two blondes and tried to shake off her nerves. But what if Penny was correct? What if one day her Sheldon miraculously decided that the time had come to add a physical component to their relationship? Realistically, what could she offer Sheldon as a sexual partner? Reading about various sexual practices was one thing, attempting to implement them was quite another.

As Bernadette and Penny continued to chat and giggle, Amy grabbed her wine and stood up. Slightly staggering to her kitchen sink, she dumped her remaining wine down the drain. It occurred to Amy just then that although she had spent countless months fantasizing about what sex would be like with Sheldon, they were just that, fantasies. In Amy's most romantic and vivid daydreams they both seemed to know what they were doing, as if it were a movie.

In actuality, if given the chance, she would hardly know where to begin and she was certain Sheldon wouldn't either. Dr. Fowler disliked the idea of being unprepared, _for anything_.

Amy turned to face her friends, placing her hands firmly on the counter to steady herself; a new resolve began to take shape inside of her. "I require assistance." She announced abruptly.

"Uh oh, are you going to puke Honey?" Penny asked with concern as she slowly pushed herself off the couch. "Do you need someone to hold your hair? Bernadette, hold Amy's hair!" She ordered.

Bernadette stood up glared at Penny, "Nuh uh. You're her bestie, you hold her hair!"

Amy shook her head, "No ladies, I am not going to vomit …" She hiccupped, "… not yet anyway. When I say I require assistance … what I mean is … reading about sex from medical textbooks and the Kama Sutra is clearly not enough."

Penny nodded in understanding, "I knew this day was coming." The waitress then staggered to the kitchen and placed her glass on the counter. "Do you have any bananas or cucumbers?"

Bernadette gasped, "Oh my God, what's happening? Penny, Amy, I like you two as friends … but I haven't done that kind of stuff since college."

Penny burped as she pointed at the tiny blonde, "I'll tell you what's happening. Our Amy needs help—the kind of help that only you and I can give her as experienced women of the world. It is our duty to teach her the delicate and sensual art of Oprahteriyaki!"

"Auparishtaka," Amy corrected Penny, her features tinged with panic.

"Whatever," Penny dismissed the correction as she opened Amy's refrigerator and scanned the shelves for a suitable fruit or vegetable. "Bingo!" Penny chimed as she emerged with a green zucchini.

Amy gulped, "Bestie, as much as I appreciate your fervor. I simply meant that I would like you and Bernadette to answer some questions I have that my texts gloss over ... and perhaps give me some pointers on what men enjoy?"

Bernadette brought her hand to her busty chest and sighed, "Oh thank goodness." She then shot a stern look at Penny, "Put that thing away for Pete's sake! No one is sucking off a zucchini tonight!" She scolded, her voice sounding just a little too much like Mrs. Wolowitz.

"Oh come on," Penny protested, waving the penis shaped vegetable around like a green light saber. Clearly, Leonard had some influence over the years.

Bernadette crossed her arms and stomped her tiny foot, "I mean it! Put the zucchini away Penny. You are scaring Amy."

Penny rolled her eyes as her shoulders slumped, "Ugh, fine!" She then opened the refrigerator door again and tossed the vegetable appendage back on the shelf where she found it.

Bernadette walked over to Amy and took her hand, "You can ask us whatever you like Amy. And there will be no more fruits or vegetables. Isn't that right, Penny?"

Penny moved towards them and leaned her flopping head on Amy's shoulder, "I promise, no more zucchinis. Unless you want to learn this one awesome trick … I call it the Penny Pinch n' Pop."

"Penny!" Bernadette snapped. "It's not the same on a zucchini. You cannot teach someone how to do … _that_ kind of stuff on an inanimate object, especially food."

Penny grinned, "Hey sister, that's how I learned and I have swallowed a canary or two since then ... MEOW!"

* * *

><p>The next morning Sheldon woke up to the sound of his cell phone text alert. It had beaten his alarm clock by three minutes. <em>Who on earth can be texting me this early? <em>

It was Oswald. The lover for hire certainly kept strange hours.

_**OM: Good Morning class. Sleep well I trust? ;)**_

_**SC: What do you want?**_

_**OM: Aren't we grouchy? Does that mean your homework was a flop?**_

_**SC: Eight minutes, twenty seven seconds. **_

_**SC: Stick that in your corn cob pipe and smoke it. **_

_**OM: Not bad … for a noob. **_

_**SC: So, what is my grade?**_

_**OM: There are no grades Sheldon. **_

_**SC: If these are lessons and there is homework, then I insist on being graded. **_

_**OM: Alright then. B+**_

_**SC: B+? **_

_**OM: You insisted. **_

_**SC: I must formally protest. I followed your instructions and achieved the desired result. **_

_**SC: How does that not merit an A? **_

_**OM: Sheldon, it was one time. Building stamina and self-control takes repetition. **_

_**SC: Fine. But my protest stands. **_

_**OM: Duly noted Dr. Cooper. **_

_**SC: Is there anything else Professor? Or may I be dismissed? **_

_**SC: That was sarcasm. **_

_**OM: Yes, actually. I had an idea for your next lesson. **_

_**SC: Indeed? **_

_**OM: Sheldon, do you have any food allergies? **_

_**SC: Why do I have a terrible feeling that this will be messy?**_

_**OM: Hey, whadda know? A genius and a psychic! **_

_**SC: Sarcasm?**_

_**OM: Yup.**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter 20 is in the pipeline.<strong>_


	20. 11:11

_**Chapter 20! "11:11"**_

_**All of you have been so awesome; the love I get from readers is simply amazing.**_

_**Standard disclaimers are applied, I own nothing. Reviews are welcomed. ENJOY!**_

* * *

><p>It was Thursday, but not just any Thursday. It was the second Thursday of the month, which of course could only mean one thing.<p>

Tonight was date night.

It had been almost two weeks since that fateful Pepto Bismol filled night in Amy's apartment. Pasadena's favorite power couple had resumed their scheduled routine as laid out in the relationship agreement. There had been the occasional dinner at Sheldon's apartment, a trip to the good train store, the zoo and of course their intellectually stimulating Skype sessions.

But neither Sheldon nor Amy ever mentioned Oswald, the argument leading up to Amy's confession that she wanted him or the fact that Sheldon undressed Amy while she slept. The unspoken was beginning to choke him wherever they went.

He decided that tonight would be different. During their date Sheldon would finally inform Amy Farrah Fowler that he was in love with her. He would also need to broach the subject of sex somehow and confess that one of the greatest scientific minds in the world, now having a greater understanding of his own desires, propose that they make love.

Of course, this would be with careful consideration and after he felt he had the skills he needed, not that she needed to be aware of the latter.

Sheldon stood in his office intently staring at his oldest and dearest friend, his white board. He sighed.

Before they could attempt sex, an amendment would need to be made to the current agreement. Sheldon believed that this scandalous addition to his routine needed to be carefully planned and executed. They would need to discuss scheduling, location, hygiene and contraception. He winced at the thought, but Oswald had instructed him via text that communication was crucial for a successful sexual encounter.

Well, Oswald didn't use that exact wording, but Sheldon's 187 IQ deduced that was surely what the gigolo had to be implying when he typed "Communicate with Amy". What else could he have meant besides the hammering out of the details? Sheldon was feeling a little cheated by his tutor, he hadn't actually seen or spoken to the man since their last Skype chat.

He continued to stare at the flat and glossy inanimate object. Sheldon remembered how the board was once the only thing to offer him comfort and companionship in the time before he had actual human friends and a girlfriend. Of course there was his Mama and Meemaw, but when Sheldon first moved to California to join the staff at Caltech over eight years ago as the youngest physicist the institution had ever engaged, brown bag lunches were usually eaten quietly in his office.

Sheldon attempted once to eat in the cafeteria when he first arrived, but there were so many people. Some wanted to occupy his time with pointless chit-chat, while others insisted on shaking his hand. There was coughing, sneezing, a questionable menu, loud conversations and all manner of unacceptable conditions. It would be a whole year before he would step foot inside the cafeteria again—with his new roommate and future best friend Leonard Hofstadter as a buffer.

In the year before Leonard, when yet another unsuitable roommate would storm out of apartment 4A waving their middle finger at him—he always had his white board to keep him company. Even as a small child in Texas, Sheldon would sit under the dining room table for hours; his skinny legs folded under him clutching the little green chalk board Meemaw had gifted him. His little Vulcan ears would strain to block the sound of the blaring television as his half in the bag Daddy would watch football and pester his Mama for a fresh Budweiser for the umpteenth time.

With his board, Sheldon was able to tune out, if only for a little while, the unpleasantness that always seemed to surround him. Whether it was his parents arguing about the bottle blonde bartender who left lipstick on his father's collar, avoiding the germ riddled rabble in the cafeteria, or the unsettling quiet in the apartment that occasionally reminded him that to be a true Homo Novus he would have to exist in isolation.

The board, full of equations that promised truth, had never scorned him and it would never leave. But tonight his old friend was being stubborn, refusing to reveal its secrets that it normally gave over to him so freely.

Sheldon tilted his head and uncapped his favorite red marker, the distinct scent of Ethanol, Alcohol 40, Isopropanol, Butanol, and Resin triggered the same calming effect as Meemaw's peach cobbler. Sheldon glanced at his watch and sighed, placing the marker down on his desk he then picked up the dry board eraser and wiped down the board, "Tomorrow—fresh start."

The late afternoon sun had begun to hang low in the Pasadena sky, casting a deep orange glow across the room. The board was now a blank canvas and Sheldon blinked in quiet observation as one particular shadow cast by the tree outside his window curved itself across the board. Before Sheldon's eyes, the shadow formed a shape similar to the profile silhouette of a person.

Without really thinking about it, Sheldon picked up his marker and began to trace the outline of the shadow with a few long, broad strokes. Taking a step back, his eyes widened a bit as he recognized that the form loosely bore a resemblance to Amy's smaller frame. Apparently, the white board was done with equations for the evening and wanted to play. The amateurish sketch even included the inviting dip of Amy's lower back followed by the ample curve of her rear end.

Like everything else Sheldon applied himself to, he had become quite adept at summoning and manipulating his erotic fantasies. But he often couldn't do anything about it until his next scheduled morning shower. There had to be a proper time and proper place, or else this would spin into chaos.

However, Sheldon's visions never went beyond kissing, fondling or stroking. He had no frame of reference for anything more since he was still learning the basics from Oswald.

He also vowed to never again to crack the spine of that frightening book Penny and Leonard had given him after having an awful nightmare that a gorn was aggressively attempting to force Sheldon to engage in the act of frottage, or as the under-educated masses referred to it, dry humping.

Nevertheless, Sheldon still teemed with smug self-satisfaction knowing that he had seamlessly slipped his newly discovered ability into his daily routine, his body now adjusted to waking up fifteen minutes earlier. And Leonard was none the wiser. There had been five additional instances since his conversation with Tiny Kirk and he was immensely proud of the fact that just that morning, Bionic Sheldon had quite literally worked himself up to a new record, needing only one break in the proceedings around the seven minute mark in order to deliberately calm his pace, composing himself, before finally surrendering to the astonishing ferocity of his orgasm at exactly eleven minutes and eleven seconds.

Sheldon rather liked that number; it had synchronicity, even though the concept of synchronicity was linked more to supernatural metaphysics, a field he never really cared for. He found it to be a little too "free love" for his taste. A few of the hippies at Caltech who dabbled with supernatural metaphysics, Raj among them, would insist that synchronicities could be places or people that your soul attracts into your life to help you evolve to higher consciousness—pure malarkey.

If Sheldon bothered to humor this particular romanticized concept of synchronicities, he supposed an example could be one breaking their routine on an early Saturday evening of sorting laundry to go to a coffee shop with Raj and Howard after being blackmailed with a dirty sock to meet with a stranger that was dubbed as his "perfect match" from a random dating website.

Sheldon could now smirk at the memory, but he still felt supernatural metaphysics was hogwash.

Being around Amy over the last two weeks had been challenging, to say the very least. He found himself watching her mouth as she spoke with more than mere observation. Of course, his eidetic memory took note and cataloged everything since the day they met; there was nothing new or unusual in his girlfriend's appearance, or her mouth. She was still Amy, his Amy. Only now, his senses were heightened around her and if he didn't know any better he would think there was some sort of gravitational pull around her, making him want to sit closer, speak closer and just simply be closer to her.

At that moment, staring at his handiwork, he allowed himself to visualize Amy standing over him as he sat in his office chair; his hands slithering up the back of her legs and under her skirt. He could almost feel the smooth sensation of the lyrca spandex on his fingertips.

Sheldon bit his lip hard as his fingers tightened around the marker in his hand as he continued to imagine roughly squeezing her back side over her black tights, a round cheek in each hand, "Mine" he heard his own voice growl softly.

Grasping his forearms on either side of her hips she grinned down at him, "Yours" she confirmed.

Frottage, whilst a terrifying notion with a gorn was not out of the question with Amy. His heart immediately sped up. Sheldon was now unconsciously gripping the marker until his knuckles turned white. He was getting way ahead of himself, he hadn't even tried to kiss her yet and he was already thinking about Amy dragging herself across his lap, writhing over his clothed erection.

_Too much, too fast._

_Get a grip Cooper._

_That's just it! I want to get a grip right now!_

"Oh God Amy, what have you done to me?", he asked the figure on the board with a pleading whisper. "And why don't I want it to stop?"

There was a loud knock at the door, Sheldon jumped and dropped his marker at the sound. He then quickly wiped the board clean again, noting this it was almost five o'clock. He shouted at the direction of the door. "Come!"

The door cracked open and a dark head of hair poked through, it was Leonard, "Hey, I'm heading out. Are you ready to go home?"

Picking up the marker from the floor, an almost panting Sheldon avoided eye contact with his roommate. "I have a date with Amy."

Leonard adjusted his glasses, "Oh, that's right. The second Thursday of the month, very romantic Sheldon", He said dryly.

Sheldon walked behind his desk and began to collect his various papers, stuffing them indiscriminately into his desk, "Yes, I think so too", he replied, completely missing the sarcasm.

Leonard stepped inside his office, "Do you need a ride to the Cheesecake Factory?" He watched Sheldon curiously; he had been acting stranger than usual over the last week.

"Thank you Leonard, but no. I am not meeting Amy until seven and I have an appointment before then." Sheldon informed as casually as he could, he was proud of himself that he hadn't twitched. But then again, he wasn't lying. He did have an appointment, with Oswald.

Leonard lifted his chin and squinted, twirling his keys in his hand, "An appointment? Who do you have an appointment with?"

"Don't you mean, with whom do I have an appointment? Really Leonard, we have been over this a dozen times." He huffed.

Leonard groaned, "Okay. With whom do you have an appointment?"

Sheldon had expected Leonard to ask, so with Oswald's assistance, he was prepared with a clever ruse, "An undergraduate student inquired on whether or not I would be willing to read their paper on Newtonian mechanics and discuss it. I agreed under the condition that said student would drive me to the Cheesecake Factory afterward."

Folding his arms, Leonard's stance spread out as he grew suspicious, "You hate the undergrads."

Sheldon sucked his teeth in response, "I don't hate them Leonard. I am mostly indifferent to their existence since it is highly unlikely that any of them will be able to reach my level. If I were to feel anything towards them it would be pity."

Leonard wasn't convinced, "So, why couldn't Amy pick you up?"

Sheldon felt his eye wanting to tick, but he took a deep breath and steeled his face as he calmly spoke, "She had a conflict."

Leonard moved to close the door, his eyes still searing into Sheldon, "Uh huh. Sheldon, are you alright?"

The taller man let out a nervous breathy laugh, "Of course I am alright Leonard. What makes you think that I am not alright? I am most certainly alright. Alright?"

There was a pause and Leonard took a step closer to Sheldon, "I heard you this morning Sheldon." He smiled, "It was kind of hard not to. Glad to know my best friend might actually be a human being."

Sheldon stood motionless and blanched; he felt his stomach tighten. He gulped, "I am not sure as to what you are inferring."

Leonard smile only widened, "Oh you don't, do you? Well it sounded to me like you are pretty good at it."

Sheldon said nothing; his panicked eyes were now trapped in Leonard's mocking glare.

_Oh, sweet baby Jesus. The jig is up._

* * *

><p><strong><em>Chapter 21 is-a-comin'<em>**

**_LLTS ALL THE WAY! Oh, and how bitchin' was that finale? Boldly go Sheldon, BOLDLY GO! I am dying for season 6!_**


	21. Hell

_**Chapter 21! "Hell"**_

_**Standard disclaimers ... blah, blah, blah.**_

_**Thank you for reading.  
><strong>_

* * *

><p>"I still don't follow Leonard? What is it you thought you heard?" Sheldon croaked out, trying to maintain his composure.<p>

Leonard pointed an accusatory finger at his roommate, "I heard you whistling!"

Sheldon internally heaved a sigh of relief, _THANK YOU DEITY I DON'T BELIEVE IN!_

Trying not to smile, Sheldon quickly retorted, "Impossible."

"I heard you Sheldon!" Leonard maintained with a strangled laugh, "You came out of the bathroom whistling the opening theme music from the Six Million Dollar Man."

Even with his eidetic memory, Sheldon had no recollection of that, "Impossible." He repeated, this time with earnest defiance.

"You whistled! And if you can whistle, I can whistle." Leonard snapped.

"No. Absolutely not," Sheldon snapped back. "I have no memory of this, so naturally it didn't happen."

There was another knock on the door. Sheldon tore his confused stare away from Leonard, "Who is it?" He bellowed.

A timid voice came from behind the door, "Um … Dr. Cooper … hey … you agreed to read my paper. Is it a bad time? Should I come back tomorrow?"

Leonard's eyebrow shot up, "You really do have an appointment?"

Sheldon gave Leonard a haughty smirk and dismissed him with a wave of his hand, "Of course. Now, if you'll excuse us Leonard, I don't want to fall behind schedule. I will see you tonight."

"You probably won't. I plan on spending the night at Penny's." Leonard said, followed by a short happy little whistle.

Sheldon titled his head, "Stop it." He then sniffed. "Another night spent at Penny's apartment … that's the third time this week Leonard."

Leonard gave Sheldon an annoyed glare before opening the door, "Well, I need to shower somewhere since lately you have been using up all the hot water in the morning. What is with that anyway? The hot water and the whistling, you are violating your own agreement."

Sheldon cleared his throat, "Leonard, if you have a grievance, it must be put in writing so it can be addressed during the next room mate meeting—which isn't scheduled until the end of the month. You know this."

Rolling his eyes, Leonard opened the door; some things just weren't worth the energy, "Never mind. Goodnight Sheldon."

"Good Prevening Leonard." Sheldon responded curtly, wondering if that was ever going to catch on.

Behind the door stood Oswald Montserrat, but it hardly looked like the man Sheldon was originally introduced to.

Oswald was clean shaven, which made him look several years younger. He wore a loose white t-shirt with "NY Yankees" sprawled across it, pairing it with an even looser black hoodie, which cleverly hid his muscle tone. He also wore beat up red converse sneakers, a Caltech baseball cap and knapsack on his back.

Purposely slouching, Oswald's posture made him look meek, unassuming and took several inches off his height. But the master stroke had to be the thick black eyeglasses that made him look bug-eyed.

Sheldon had to hand it to Oswald; the man knew how to embrace a character.

With his hands stuffed into his pockets, shuffling his feet, he gave Leonard a nod of his chin, "Sup bro."

Leonard eyed the nerdy looking kid and nodded back, "Sup" before walking down the hallway and out of sight, whistling the whole way.

Sheldon couldn't help but smile in awe of his tutor as he waved him in. "I must say that I am impressed. You look nothing like an oily man-whore. You completely fooled Leonard … not that it's the hardest thing in the world to do."

Once inside, Oswald dropped the heavy looking knapsack on the floor and straightened out, meeting his pupil eye to eye, "Sheldon, did you just call me an oily man-whore?"

Sheldon blinked, "What should I call you?" Oswald threw his hands in the air, "Oh, I don't know, how about Oswald?!" He spat sarcastically.

Nodding indifferently, Sheldon eyed the man's baseball cap, "Fine, fine. Where in the world did you find that hat?"

Pulling the cap off his head, he chuckled, "Oh, this? I got a little lost in this place and I saw it sitting on some dude's desk on another floor—figured it would make a nice touch."

Sheldon crossed his arms, "Oswald Montserrat, you stole it?" his expression and tone full of disappointment.

"No, I didn't steal it. I totally plan on returning it to …" he looked inside the cap at the name written in Sharpie on the tag "… Barry Kripke."

Sheldon's mouth tightened, "Kripke …" he muttered under his breath before extending his hand to Oswald, "No need, I will make sure it gets to where it belongs."

Oswald shrugged and handed over the cap, which Sheldon then promptly tossed into his waste paper basket. "That's for mooning me in the parking lot last month." He hissed down at the cap.

Oswald's nose crinkled in confusion as he removed the prop glasses, but simply shrugged again, "Whatever."

Peeling off the hoodie and tossing it on the chair by the door, Oswald then squatted down and zipped opened the knapsack, balancing on his toes. "Where can I set up?" He asked the physicist, his face telling Sheldon that he was all business.

Sheldon swallowed, he didn't understand the question, "Set up? What are you setting up?"

Digging into the knapsack, Oswald pulled out a plastic painter's sheet, "Your lesson Sheldon."

Sheldon watched as Oswald unfolded the clear plastic and shook it out, Oswald then gestured with his chin towards Sheldon's desk. "Is the desk alright? I brought this to avoid making a mess."

The scientist could only nod, what could be so messy that a plastic sheet was needed? Oswald flung the sheet over the desk and tented it completely in one movement. "Sit Sheldon"

Timidly walking to his desk chair, Sheldon sat down slowly and continued to watch Oswald as he pulled out what looked like a lobster bib out of the bag. He handed it to Sheldon, who hesitantly took it. It was indeed a lobster bib.

"If you don't want to stain that Green Arrow shirt, put it on." Oswald informed Sheldon. Obeying, he unraveled the plastic bib with nervous hands; he then pulled the thin straps around his neck, tying them off.

"Green Lantern" Sheldon frowned as he corrected Oswald, who smirked in response. His tutor then pulled out small wooden cutting board and a butcher's knife and placed them on the desk, over the plastic sheet.

"Curiouser and Curiouser_" _Sheldon said aloud, his tutor now has his full attention.

Picking up the knapsack and placing it on the corner of Sheldon's desk, Oswald reached elbow deep into the bag and pulled out the final piece of the puzzle. It was a mango.

"Oh" Sheldon smiled with relief, "I do like mangos. But, I am meeting Amy for dinner in less than two hours; I don't want to spoil my appetite." He said innocently, his eyes following Oswald's hands as he began to slice open the ripe fruit on the cutting board. The distinct sweet, tangy scent wafted up to Sheldon's nose. It made his mouth water, "I do like mangos." He repeated, licking his lips.

"Sheldon, you won't be eating the mango." Oswald explained in a patient, almost parental tone as he placed a thin sliver directly in front of Sheldon. "I won't?" Sheldon asked, his eyes fixed on the deep orange meat.

Oswald put the knife down and crossed his arms. "No, you'll be eating Amy."

Sheldon instantly looked at Oswald with large confused eyes, "Excuse me?"

Oswald titled his head and raised an eyebrow down at his student, "Sheldon, have you ever heard of auparishtaka?"

* * *

><p>Amy turned her car into a vacant space in the Cheesecake Factory's parking lot at exactly ten minutes to seven; a nervous grin was glued across her face. It sometimes bewildered Amy that even after knowing Sheldon for years, she still felt the flutter of anxious little butterflies in the pit of her stomach whenever she realized she was about to see him, speak to him and look into those eyes that would defy nature by transforming from one shade of blue to another. She didn't share Sheldon's sexy eidetic memory, but she most certainly remembered that his eyes would fluctuate between an innocent looking cornflower blue and superior steel blue.<p>

And although she had been drunk on overpriced cosmopolitans and couldn't remember too much of that fateful evening filled with Korean business men and ballroom dancing, there was a particular instance right after their first kiss on her couch where Sheldon's eyes appeared to be deepest shade of blue she had ever seen.

Walking towards the entrance to the restaurant, Amy paused as she noticed Sheldon roughly a block away. He was hopping out of an expensive looking black Lexus with tinted windows. After waving farewell to the driver, the car speedily made an illegal U-turn and peeled off in the other direction. She saw Sheldon cross his arms, shaking his head with disapproval before turning and heading towards the restaurant himself. He immediately stopped short when he saw her; a warm smile then spread across his face.

"Good Evening Amy." He said when he finally reached her.

"Good Evening Sheldon." She responded brightly.

They stood there for a moment, still smiling at one another.

"Shall we go inside?" Amy asked sweetly, breaking the unusual silence.

Sheldon blinked out of his frozen smile and nodded, "Of course, after you." He said while opening the door for her.

"Thank you." She grinned but then halted in the doorway, "Who dropped you off just now?"

Sheldon raised his hand to his eye and gently rubbed it as though he were attending to an itch in order to mask the tick that leapt out at her question, "A colleague form work." He responded quickly.

"That was a pretty fancy car," she said casually as she strolled inside.

"Is it? I hadn't noticed." Sheldon stammered as he followed in her in, allowing his ticking eye to temporarily go wild in order to get it out of his system. The seating hostess noticed, but kept a strained smile on her face as she directed them to their usual table for two.

"Actually, may we have a booth?" Sheldon inquired. The hostess nodded and led them to a semi-private booth against the wall. The cushioned benches had high backs and Sheldon thought that feature would deter any nosy patrons from invading their conversation.

Amy's eyebrows came together as they shuffled and slid into the booth, facing each other on opposite ends. "I was under the impression that you disliked booths because they didn't allow for a full view of all the available exits and the kitchen."

Sheldon smiled at her, he liked it when she remembered his preferences. "Normally, yes," he responded, "But what I need to discuss with you requires a bit more privacy then what their standard tables provide."

With what he noted as adorable tilt of her head, she took her menu from the hostess, "Indeed? What is there to discuss?"

Taking his own menu, he then glared at the hostess as if mentally dismissing her. Rolling her eyes, she took the hint.

"In a moment Amy, why don't we order first?"

Amy nodded with her own smile, "Very well Dr. Cooper."

Sheldon's chest suddenly felt tight, he also liked it when Amy referred to him as Doctor. _  
><em>

A smiling Penny emerged with her pad in her hand. "What up Shamy?"

Sheldon sucked his teeth at the Nebraskan nuisance, "You know we don't care for that childish amalgamation of our names."

Amy grinned, "It's kind of growing on me."

Penny returned the grin, "So how's date night going?"

Sheldon huffed, "It's not _going _anywhere, its right here, right now…"

"Why do I smell mango?" Penny interrupted, her nose sniffing the air around their table.

Amy's own nose went up. "You're right, I smell it too."

Sheldon nervously tapped his foot under the table, "If you two hens are done cackling, I would like to order now." He then quickly ran his tongue over his bottom lip, still tasting the sweetness of the mango in his mouth.

Penny glared at him, "Fine, the usual then?" She asked through gritted teeth. Sheldon nodded wordlessly and handed her his menu.

Amy looked a little flustered, "Oh, I haven't had a chance to look at my menu."

"May I recommend the fried zucchini sticks? They are very popular." Penny suggested with a smirk. Amy shot her friend a warning glance, "I'll just have the heart healthy salad with an unsweetened ice tea. Thank you Penny." She said curtly, trying not to blush at the thought of Sheldon's ... _zucchini._

"You heard the lady." Sheldon said while waving away the smirking blonde. Penny bounced on her toes before walking away, "No zucchini sticks, got it. Maybe next time…"

They sat silently for a moment after Penny disappeared into the busy Thursday crowd. _Something is off_, Amy thought. "So you said there was something you needed to discuss?" She asked Sheldon probingly, her green eyes sparkling and searching at the same time.

Sheldon met her stare and leaned forward, bringing his voice just above a whisper, "Amy as you know, as a man of science I have been bound to …" He broke off and sighed, "What I mean is, as of late I have observed certain changes within myself …" He broke off again.

_Why is this so difficult? Cooper, just tell her you love her. Leonard has said it Penny. Wolowitz says it to his wife. Raj tells his puppy over and over._

He looked down at the table, his hands were clammy, "Amy, I … I … have been doing a great deal of thinking since that night in your apartment ... when you informed me that ... you wanted ... that you desired ..."

_Just say it. Say that you want her and only her!_

Sheldon balled his hands into fists, "This is proving to be more difficult than I had expected." He said aloud with a helpless sigh.

"Sheldon, are you breaking with me?" She asked. Her features highlighted with worry.

Sheldon sputtered as he looked up at her, "Wh...what? No! I am not ter … ter… terminating our re...re...relationship. On the contrary, I would like to pro...pro… propose that we add …"

Penny sprang up with her tray, "Diet coke for Sheldon and Unsweetened Ice Tea for Amy." She chimed brightly before disappearing again.

Amy sighed with a bit of relief as she peeled the paper off of her straw and plunged it into her tea, "You were saying?" She asked before taking a delicate sip of her drink.

_They are just three little words. Say it!_

Sheldon found himself suddenly distracted as he watched her moist lips wrap around the straw, noticing how the condensation beaded and rolled over her fingers as she clutched her glass with both hands. His breathing slightly labored as he observed how her creamy cheeks hallowed with every gentle suck, her appealing cat eyes never leaving his. With his most recent lesson with Oswald still fresh in his mind, Sheldon felt a small flame of arousal ignite in his lower abdomen, causing him to squirm in his seat.

Sheldon was beginning to perspire.

Amy took a long sip. A droplet rested on her knuckle.

Sheldon's mango-laced tongue felt heavy in his mouth.

Amy slid her own mouth off the straw and licked her lips. She waited.

Was the booth shrinking around them?

_Oh God … I'm in hell ... this is hell..._

"Amy, please excuse me ..." Without waiting for a response, he quickly shot up and made his way to the men's room.

Moments later, Amy looked up from the booth to see a heavy-set man charge out of the men's room and jog straight to the nearest waitress and whisper in her ear, the waitress was Penny.

To Amy's surprise Penny hurried to the men's room and walked in. That could only mean one thing, Sheldon. Amy stood up; pushing past the other tables, making it to the door as Penny walked back out. Panic seized Amy as Penny reached out for her.

_Was Sheldon sick? Did he pass out? Please, let him be alright._

"What's happened to Sheldon?" She croaked, already feeling the hot sting of tears well up in her eyes.

"Amy, it isn't pretty. Brace yourself." Penny calmly warned her friend, "I've never seen him quite like this."

Unable to wait anymore, Amy forced herself to walk into the Cheesecake Factory's men's room. She instantly gasped and covered her mouth with her hands. Amy was stunned to see Sheldon's khaki covered legs dangling out of the small window perched up high on the white tiled wall, his butt wiggling in the air.

"Sheldon, what on earth are you doing up there?" She shrieked.

She heard his voice cry out from the other side of the wall, "Amy Farrah Fowler, I love you! Now go get butter!"

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><p><strong><em>LLTS!<em>**


	22. The Maid of Amsterdam

_****The Montserrat Resurgence** - Chapter 22**_

_**Disclaimers: The Big Bang Theory and its characters were created by Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady. I do not to own, nor do I profit from TBBT or its characters. **__**I will also continue to try my hardest to keep our beloved Shamy and the rest of the gang as true to their characters as possible. **_

_**However, Amy and Sheldon are discovering a new naughty side to the Shamy so some artistic license will be taken. **_

_**_Many grateful thanks to the readers and reviewers! Enjoy!_**_

_**_SPOILER ALERT for anyone who has not seen the season 5 finale or has seen the screen shots plastered all over Tumblr. :)_**_

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><p>As the small crowd that had gathered outside to gawk at the crazy man being pried from a tiny window finally dispersed, Amy hurriedly walked over to thank the firefighter crew from the local brigade as they piled back into their truck stalled in the parking lot of the Cheesecake Factory. Apparently, a panicked patron had called 911 when Sheldon was unable to work himself free from the narrow men's room window.<p>

Penny, while having nothing but compassion but her friends, was still able to snap a choice shot on her phone before being forced by her manager to return to work. Giggling, she sent the image to Leonard with the caption reading, "_Hey Stallion, looks like Giraffe did it again."_

As Amy approached the fire truck, she gave the short and stocky middle-aged man who was in charge an apologetic frown, "Thank you for your assistance. I am grateful to you and your squad." Her face then brightened, "And singing a sea shanty to keep Sheldon calm while simultaneously keeping your men in a rhythmic pattern of pulling and pushing was inspired, however did you think of it?" She asked with genuine admiration.

The rough-looking man tipped his helmet to the compliment, "Believe it or not, this is not the first time we've dealt with Dr. Cooper. A few years ago, we had to pull him out of a broken elevator in his own building." The man shrugged, "I don't know, he was muttering something about a cricket. It was dark, his flashlight crapped out and he was pretty scared. He asked that we sing the _The Maid of Amsterdam_. We thought he was nuts at first, but after he taught it to us, it turned out that it really helped the guys focus. Then a while back, we got a call that some genius at Caltech got his head stuck in a wall. The song worked then too."

Amy crossed her arms and glanced back in the direction of the window where her boyfriend had been liberated moments before, she heaved a mystified sigh, "Incredible—physics, an eidetic memory, vexillology, bongos and now sea shanties. Could the man get any sexier?"

The fireman's bushy eyebrows came together in confusion, "Umm … 'cuse me lady?"

Mentally stilling her quaking uterus, Amy gave the man a curt nod, "Good night to you sir, drive safely. And thank you again."

The befuddled fireman hopped into the driver's side of the large red truck, "Glad to be of service." He then saluted the neuroscientist before driving off, merging into traffic. She could hear the man shout to his crew, "Alright boys,_ The Maid of Amsterdam _… one more time with feeling!"

_**I put my hand upon her knee,**_

_**Said she "Young man you're rather free."**_

_**I put my hand around her waist,**_

_**Said she "Young man you're in great haste."**_

_**I put my hand upon her thigh,**_

_**Said she "Young man you're rather high."**_

_**I put my hand yet higher still,**_

_**Said she "Young man that's quite a thrill."**_

Amy grinned as some of the firemen waved her goodbye, their raised voices slowly fading as they continued to drive into the Pasadena night. Between the singing firemen and Sheldon's perfect ass hanging out of a window, the evening had certainly been full of unexpected twists. High school was never this exciting. Amy felt a cool breeze across her face; she shivered as she folded her arms. There was still one twist in particular that was clawing at her.

"_Amy Farrah Fowler, I love you! Now go get butter!" _The memory of Sheldon's words echoed through her, causing her to shiver again.

_Perhaps I heard Sheldon incorrectly?_

Amy began to walk over to the stalled white ambulance that had its back doors open in order to check on Sheldon. She froze as the words erupted in her mind again.

"_Amy Farrah Fowler, I love you!" _

Being a woman of a practical nature and having learned her lesson from past disappointments, this time she refused to raise her hopes. Amy steeled herself as she continued to make her way to the ambulance. She had been trying for ages to increase Sheldon's feelings for her, with little result. Her neurobiological bag of tricks was officially empty. Project Angelina was a flop as well.

Yes, they had kissed twice, but both instances had been initiated by her. With negotiation, they had cuddled, but Sheldon seemed quite put off by the experience, establishing a strict no cuddling clause in their relationship agreement.

Of course, there had been that moment when Sheldon briefly held her hand while watching Howard's launch months prior. She thought perhaps then he was finally beginning to thaw and that his unrealized feelings for her were slowly boiling up the surface. But, it had been a fluke, just like the instance during their first movie night when he stroked her hair as if he were calming the cloying Zazzles.

_You heard him. He said it. _

_He was distressed. Sheldon says a great many things when he is distressed. _

_You know this man. Sheldon Cooper does not say what he does not mean, it's one of the reasons you love him. _

Amy stood frozen, her keen mind vigorously debating all of the possible meanings of Sheldon's outburst. Since asking her to be his girlfriend, there had never been a verbal exchange of affection. There were no sweet nothings or declarations of love—Sheldon just didn't do that. He would admit to loving his spot on the couch, physics, his mother, the Flash and countless other things before he admitted to loving her.

Amy pushed her eyeglasses up her nose; her heart was aching with a burning curiosity.

_Or perhaps he meant it in a different context? _

_What other context could 'I love you' have? _

_He could have said a number of things and I simply misunderstood. _

_Well then, think like Sheldon's beloved Mr. Spock. There is only one logical way to resolve this. Ask him. _

Looking inside the back of the ambulance Amy observed a matronly emergency medical technician carefully attending to the light scratches on the pale abdomen of an unusually quiet Sheldon. However, his bright blue eyes still critically watched the EMT's hands as she placed a final bandage on him.

"There you go Spiderman—good as new." The EMT grinned, "But no more climbing up walls or squeezing through windows that are smaller than your rear end." She then reached up and playfully mussed his hair. Sheldon squirmed away from the jovial older woman, pulling down his now torn double layer of shirts. "Please madam, while I am grateful for your methodical and hygienic attention to my wounds, I ask that you refrain from becoming too familiar and maintain your professionalism."

The woman cocked an amused eyebrow at him, but then noticed Amy as she approached the back of the vehicle. She smiled warmly down at her, "Is he yours?"

Amy looked at Sheldon; his nervous blue stare met her confused green gaze briefly before he immediately looked at his feet. Adjusting her purse to the side, Amy hoisted herself up and climbed inside the van, "Yes, he's mine." Amy said calmly as she sat beside him, folding in her hands in her lap.

Despite himself, the corner of Sheldon's mouth curled into a shy smile.

"Does he need to go to the hospital?" Amy asked the EMT with a serious tone.

Sheldon's smile faded as his head shook furiously, "I am not going to the hospital."

Both women ignored him, "Well, his injuries are minor." The EMT replied. "He's lucky he didn't cut himself badly, no stitches were needed. But you might want to have him checked out for any internal injuries."

Amy nodded, "Agreed. A bruised rib can easily be overlooked."

An annoyed Sheldon stomped his foot once, "I am NOT going to the hospital." He repeated forcefully.

The EMT pulled off her latex gloves, "I can drive you both to the emergency room if you like. My shift is almost over."

Sheldon, who was clearly agitated at this point stomped his foot again, "I won't go! Amy, you know how I feel about hospitals ..."

Instinctively, an equally agitated Amy brought her fingers to Sheldon's lips, "Sheldon, shush." She commanded with a harsh whisper. "You could have been seriously injured tonight. Do you even realize how terrified I was before I knew my brilliant boyfriend had gotten himself stuck …"

Amy suddenly halted in mid-sentence; she was not at all prepared for Sheldon clasping the hand that was pressed to his mouth. Slowly, he brought her hand down to his chest, directly over his heart and held her splayed fingers there with his own. Amy held her breath, the sensation of his heart beating under her fingers made her both giddy and a little nauseous.

_He's touching me. How is Sheldon okay with touching me? _

"I … I am … sorry Amy. It was not my intention to alarm you." Sheldon whispered regretfully before tightening his grip on her hand, she watched as he pulled it away from his chest and back onto her lap. Amy felt her throat go dry when Sheldon's long fingers lingered on hers, covering them with their length, "But I am not going to a hospital. And _that_ is final." He said firmly as his jaw clenched. Amy was going to argue, but she couldn't. His eyes were cutting into hers with a spark Amy had never witnessed before. It was like staring into two flickering blue flames.

_It's the same Sheldon. Same voice, same face, same stubbornness … but something is … new._

The temperature of the ambulance instantly felt as though it had shot up several degrees and both of Amy and Sheldon found themselves ensnared in each other's eyes. In that moment, Amy forgot how frustrated she was with Sheldon for frightening her and was remembering how frustrated she was for other reasons. His fingers hadn't moved. They were still gently resting on top of hers.

The heated silence was broken by the EMT, who noticed the tension brought on by the intense eye contact and was becoming a little unnerved by it, "If you don't think you need to go to the hospital—then I would suggest having someone drive you home."

"Of course, my girlfriend will give me a ride." Sheldon said huskily, his eyes never leaving hers. Unbeknownst to him, his lips had curled up in a devilish grin. Amy, always adept at reading Sheldon's facial expressions, felt a warm tingling sensation pooling between her thighs at the realization that she had seen this face twice before. The first time was the second movie night in her apartment, when Sheldon eagerly devoured those lucky chocolate covered strawberries. The second time was in the vivid dream she had, when a dominant Sheldon had her pinned to her sofa and was about to eagerly devour her "strawberries".

This time, the wicked smile was aimed at her and it most certainly was not a dream.

_Ask him! Ask him now! Does he love you? _

"Hoooo," Amy gasped out. His unintentional sexy smile melted as Sheldon gave her puzzled look, finally removing his hand from hers, "Who?"

Amy cleared her throat, her face reddened a bit with embarrassment. "What I meant to say is that we should get going. Your scheduled bedtime is fast approaching and I wouldn't want to disrupt your routine."

_You've already disrupted my routine Amy Farrah Fowler_, Sheldon thought to himself with a stifled chortle.

Sheldon then stood up, bending slightly so he wouldn't bump his head on the roof of the van. Amy quickly moved to get out first, once outside; she extended her forearm to help him down, "Lean on me."

He rolled his eyes, "Please don't fuss over me Amy. I am fine. I can manage to get out of a …" Sheldon gasped loudly as he tripped over his own foot and fell forward, catching himself on the door handle of the ambulance.

Shrieking, he swung sideways like Tarzan before falling onto his back, dragging Amy down on top of him. She quickly put her hands on his chest to brace herself, her glasses fell off as her face nearly knocked into his. Amy winced when her knees hit the ground on either side of Sheldon's waist, straddling him, her skirt riding up her thighs.

"Damn it Sheldon," Amy growled in frustration.

Amy sat up and searched the area around them, squinting. Sheldon realized she probably couldn't see very well in the dark, so reaching to his right, he scooped up her eyeglasses, which luckily didn't break when they hit the ground, "Here Amy."

Sheldon squirmed under the weight of her sitting directly on his groin as she slid on her eyeglasses.

"Why couldn't you just let me help you get off?" Amy asked with a hard breath, her long hair swinging over him, oblivious to the compromising position they were in while on the pavement of darkened parking lot.

Sheldon's eyes bugged out at the question as he felt his blood rushing to a localized area. _Oh God, not here. Not now!_

The EMT's voice rang out from the back of the ambulance, "Are you two alright?"

"Yes, yes I think so." Sheldon responded, reaching for Amy's waist to pull her off, but she angrily knocked his hands away and pushed herself up against his chest.

Finally managing to stand, she limped back towards the ambulance. "Do you have an ice pack?" She asked the EMT with grumpily. The older woman nodded and ducked into a van and returned a moment later with a small gel ice pack.

Pushing himself off the ground and dusting himself off Sheldon sighed, "Thank you Amy, but I don't require an ice pack."

Amy glared at him, "The ice pack is for me Sheldon."

Sheldon's face scrunched up with concern, "Oh, are you hurt?"

Amy's anger subsided a bit when she saw him pout with worry, "I came down on my right knee pretty hard, it's imperative I apply something right away to avoid swelling." She looked down to see that her new tights had been ripped at both knees. "Great," she muttered. "I just got these."

The EMT was about to close the doors of the ambulance when she gave them both a grin, "Should I stick around just in case one of you loses a limb? Or are you two just gonna hang out and eye-fuck some more?"

Sheldon's mouth dropped in horror, but to his surprise, Amy chuckled at the woman's crude and unnecessary comment, "We do make quite the disheveled pair tonight, don't we?"

Sheldon crossed his arms and glared at the woman, "We are no longer in need of your services Madam. Good night."

The EMT offered Sheldon a wink, "Nighty night Spidey." She said before closing the doors. A moment later the engine revved up and the ambulance drove off.

Left alone in the dark, almost vacant parking lot, Amy fiddled with the cold ice pack in her hands, "Sheldon?"

Now pouting at the gash made in one of his favorite Green Lantern t-shirts, Sheldon sighed, "Yes Amy?"

"Did you say that you loved me?"

Sheldon's stomach dropped to his toes. He had almost forgotten the reason he went temporarily insane and tried to make a break for it through a narrow men's room window. "Come again?" He squeaked.

Bending to apply the ice pack to her right knee, she searched his eyes, "You heard me."

Shuffling in the spot where he stood, Sheldon pointed to her leg. "You should do that in the car."

Amy sighed and straightened up, "Fine. If we go to the car, will you talk to me? Because frankly this whole evening has been one big mess and I could use some clarification as to why my boyfriend ran away from me."

Sheldon nodded, "Fine. I still have a matter to discuss with you, so I suppose now is as good a time as any."

Hobbling back to her car, Amy was startled when Sheldon moved quickly and stood in front of her. "Give me the keys." He commanded.

Amy raised an eyebrow at him, "Sheldon, you don't drive."

Sheldon smirked down at his injured girlfriend, "I don't plan on driving smarty pants. Just give me the keys."

Eyeing him curiously, Amy reached into her jacket pocket and pulled out her keys, dangling them in front of him, "Very well Dr. Cooper."

Sheldon took the keys and made his way across the long parking lot to her car. Amy slowly followed and watched him closely. He was singing softly to himself.

"I put my hand upon her knee, said she young man you're rather free ... I put my hand around her waist, said she young man you're in great haste."

Amy stopped when she noticed that Sheldon had not opened her driver side door, but rather the back seat door directly behind it.

"Get in." He ordered authoritatively.

Amy titled her head, unsure of what was happening, "Sheldon, why would you want me to get into the backseat? Aren't I driving you home?"

Unexpectedly, Sheldon peeled off his torn Green Lantern t-shirt and folded it neatly. He stood there for a moment, his eyes first scanning the parking lot before moving his gaze to search the interior of the backseat as if there were an answer to some burning question back there.

Amy bit her lip at the sight of him in his long sleeve black thermal undershirt, the sleeves pushed up his forearms. She could see that round collar had five small buttons lined up vertically, two of which were undone.

She finally breathed when he looked back at her, his hair mussed while still holding his shirt in his hands, "Please Amy, get in." This time his tone was softer but still commanding, unable to resist, Amy nodded as she removed her purse, tossing it into the driver's seat. Gingerly, she slid herself into the backseat, nearly dropping the ice pack. Once she had settled inside, he joined her, closing the door behind him.

They sat in stillness for a moment. Amy could hear the wind move through the trees. With all the craziness earlier, it had turned into a surprisingly quiet night.

She glanced at Sheldon, "Now what?"

Sheldon hands tightened around the folded shirt in his hands, his eyes fixed straight ahead of him.

"Now," he swallowed hard then licked his lips, "I want you to take off your tights."

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><p><strong><em>Right now you are probably thinking what an evil bitch I am. Well, you're right. *wink*<em>**

**_Chapter 23 in the works—will there be a little paradise by the dashboard light? _**

**_LLTS!_**


	23. Blow

_**Chapter 23! "Blow" **_

_**Thank you everyone for reading! **_

_**Standard disclaimers are applied, enjoy. **_

_**As always, reviews are welcomed and encouraged.**_

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><p>Amy's mouth dropped in response to Sheldon's demand, "Would you mind repeating that please? You would like me to what?"<p>

Taking the numbingly cold ice pack from her hands, he looked at her timidly, "I would like for you to remove your tights Amy."

When Sheldon turned to face her; she noticed that one of the buttons at the neck of his black thermal had come undone—that made three.

_Sheldon likes the number three_, she mused.

Amy allowed her gaze to wander over his upper body. That second t-shirt hid more than she thought a thin layer of cotton would. She knew Sheldon had broadened out and even in the dimness of her car; Amy could make out the lean muscles in his arms and the soft outline of his pectorals, including his nipples.

She felt herself blushing, torn between looking away and reaching out to mischievously tweak one for a giggle.

By no means was Sheldon a body builder. Amy noted that his mid-section was just a tad doughy, which she didn't mind in the slightest. Amy was aware that she had her own wobbly bits to contend with, so it comforted her to know that Sheldon wasn't a prefect physical specimen—although he was perfect to her.

And the sight of her boyfriend's pale abdomen in the back of the ambulance had made Amy's upper canines and bicuspids itch.

Now sitting in her backseat with the man who held her heart, Amy found herself fighting all manner of urges. Several of which included snatching him by the waistband of his khakis, yanking that thermal off, mounting him like a mechanical bull while playfully nibbling at each available inch of soft skin, marking him as hers.

_Easy girl_, she soothed herself. _Sometimes these primal instincts can be a bitch. _

"Why do you want me to remove my tights Sheldon? And why are we in the backseat?" She asked shyly, secretly hoping his answer would involve some R-rated action.

"To properly attend to your knee, your leg should be elevated. The steering wheel and the cup holders in the front seat are not conducive for that." He informed her as he wrapped the ice pack inside of the green t-shirt.

Amy's shoulders sank, "Oh, I see, of course. That makes perfect sense. But why must I remove my tights?"

Amy noticed that Sheldon's hands were shaking a bit and he looked rather nervous, "They are torn Amy. It's unsightly and frankly it bothers me. If you are uncomfortable, I can step outside while you take them off if you wish to protect your modesty."

She paused for a moment. A small smile crept across her lips.

"You weren't concerned with my modestly when you removed Oswald's shirt and my bra." She quipped.

Sheldon's mouth puckered as though his mouth had gone sour, "I had informed you that as my girlfriend, it was unacceptable for you to be in another man's clothes. As for your undergarment, you know my reason for removing that."

Amy rolled her eyes, "Dr. Cooper, I will kindly ask you to stop insulting my intelligence. Would you like to know what I find unacceptable? That my boyfriend thinks I'm gullible enough to believe that he didn't want me to stab myself with my underwire bra while I slept."

Sheldon's eye ticked at this, "What are you implying Dr. Fowler? That I removed your impractical lace bra while in some sort of sexually charged stupor? Unlike you, I can control my baser urges." He spat out defensively.

This conversation was not going as planned.

Now annoyed and feeling a little hurt, Amy angrily threw herself back against the seat, kicking off her loafers. Arching her back, she reached up under her skirt, tugging at the shredded lyrca spandex tights, peeling them off her legs with soft grunts of frustration.

Sheldon quickly averted his eyes, looking out of the window to his left, "A little warning would have been nice." He murmured.

Although the genius was irritated, his body quickly betrayed his intellect. Once the sounds of Amy stripping the fabric from her skin while making those little growling noises invaded his Vulcan ears, he found himself undeniably aroused. It made him recall a particular Skype chat, when she wore only her red plaid robe and was on her knees sopping up a puddle of spilled water.

_She looked so wild at that moment, her long hair swaying like a pendulum ... her robe slipping open … _

Sheldon unconsciously undid a fourth button. _Down boy, mind over matter!_

Once Amy was free of her tights, she tossed them onto the driver's seat over her purse. "Happy?" She hissed. "No tights."

"Well, I'm not unhappy." He retorted, stealing a peek at her now bare skin.

His perfect match scoffed at him, "Riddle me this Sheldon, if undressing me was just a territorial act of an alpha male staking his claim and not a desire to see my milky naked flesh, then why did you down half a bottle of Pepto Bismol? Or did you think it was Strawberry Quik?"

Sheldon crossed his arms, although part of him was appreciative of her Batman reference, his temper was steadily increasing with each tense second, "Amy you know I am prone to an upset stomach when I am agitated. And believe me, seeing you in that man's shirt had been incredibly agitating to say the very least. You are mine Amy, my girlfriend, my woman—mine!"

Amy paused again. _Did Sheldon say he could control his baser urges—because it sure as hell doesn't sound like it._

"Now wait a minute Sheldon, I am not a possession. You don't own me …" she tried to interject, but Sheldon wasn't finished with his rant.

"And may I remind you that you signed the agreement and it is binding covenant until I say otherwise!" He then pointed at her mouth assertively, his Texan accent sprang up like a geyser, "And there is no way in hell the woman I love is going to traipse around Pasadena with the brand of another man on her like some prize pig at the county fair."

Amy sat awestruck, she had heard it loud and clear that time. "The woman you love?" She repeated, a lump of emotion rising in her throat. His blue eyes had grown intense and before she could do or say anything else Sheldon slapped his own thigh hard, "Up". He said forcefully.

Amy parroted back the word, "Up?" She wasn't used to Sheldon speaking monosyllabically, so she wasn't sure what he meant.

"Your legs Amy—bring them up over my lap." He instructed as he clutched at the fabric covered ice pack in his hand.

Amy couldn't begin to fathom what he had just said. It was only a little over a month ago that Sheldon freaked out because her toes had accidently grazed his thigh and now he was commanding that she drape her legs over his lap in the backseat of her car and admitting that he had actual human feelings for her.

She grew apprehensive; this was too good to be true. Reaching for the ice pack, she sighed, "Sheldon, it's fine. I can do it."

Raising his arm out of her grasp, Sheldon shook his head, "No Amy. I am your boyfriend and as such I will see to your injury, as per section four of the Relationship Agreement: Booboos and Ouchies."

Amy looked puzzled, "I was under the impression that particular section was meant only for your injuries."

"We can add a reciprocity clause. In fact, in light of recent events several amendments should be made." He said matter-of-factly.

Amy ran her hand over her sore knee, "Such as?"

Sheldon exhaled, "Such as under no circumstances are you to wear someone else's clothes. Unless, of course, they are female and are free of contagious skin conditions. Long underwear shall be worn under any and all rented clothing."

Confused by this, Amy's eyebrows knitted together, "You actually want to add that to our agreement?"

He cleared his throat, "Indeed and perhaps one or two additional items. Now, if you will kindly put your legs up."

Amy looked around the confined space, "Are you certain of this?" she asked him.

He curtly nodded in response.

Bringing her knees up with her ankles together, Amy raised her legs up and braced herself against the seat. Turning to face Sheldon, she then stretched her shapely bare legs across his lap so that her bruised knee was directly under his chest, her painted toes touching the door on his left side.

"Is this alright?" She asked him, searching his face for any traces of panic.

He didn't respond to her question, he just stared down at her knee with examining eyes.

Amy watched Sheldon closely as he tenderly pressed the ice pack to her knee, she flinched for a moment but then relaxed, the cold was not as severe since he had wrapped it up in his ruined shirt.

"How does that feel?" He asked in a somewhat breathy voice. Amy noted that Sheldon sounded winded.

"It's cold, but not jarringly so. The shirt was an excellent idea." She replied, proudly smiling at him.

"Of course it was. Excellent ideas are my business." He said smugly while holding the ice pack in place.

Amy's smile widened, "I thought physics was your business."

Sheldon returned her smile, "Physics is my life, excellent ideas are my business and you … you are …" He cut himself off, bringing eyes back to her knee as though he were performing invasive surgery.

Amy reached out her hand and brought his chin up to look at her. "Talk to me." She implored with a shaky voice, "Because I don't think I will be able to forgive you if this is all some kind of experiment or just a random fluke. Do you really love me Sheldon Cooper?"

Despite the darkness, he could see her green eyes shining as they fought back tears.

Sheldon took in a sharp breath,"Yes".

With renewed hope, she continued, pushing through the raw emotion, "I have never told you this before but I almost didn't show up."

Sheldon blinked, "Show up?"

Amy nodded, "The day we met. I was prepared to stand you up, to spite my mother after arguing with her that morning."

He cocked his head, "What made you change your mind?"

She brought her fingers to the pale slice of his exposed chest just below the neck. Sheldon tensed but allowed her hand to remain, "I know it sounds ridiculous, but something pulled me to that coffee shop. Please, don't ask me to explain it—I hardly understand it myself. I had no interest in romantic entanglements before you Sheldon. My life was pristine, orderly and … well … fucking boring."

Sheldon tilted his head and frowned at the swear word, "Really Amy …"

Despite her trying, hot tears began to fall from her eyes. The sight quieted him. She was weepy, he didn't like weepy.

Her voice started to crack, "Knowing you has added something important, something meaningful to my world and it's more than counterfactuals, more than tiaras and even if you never touch me again after tonight … I just wanted you to know that ... I love you too." She wiped her face roughly under her eyeglasses as she began to laugh nervously.

The silence from Sheldon was deafening.

He gently pushed her legs off his lap, letting the ice pack fall to the floor of the car. His face was emotionless and he blinked rapidly, the occasional twitch took over his eye.

Amy instantly realized she had revealed too much, "Oh no, I broke you." she whined with a hoarse voice. "I broke Sheldon Cooper."

Still unreadable, he scooted forward and reached into his back pocket, pulling out a clean handkerchief. It was all very confusing to him. First Amy's crying, then her laughing. Even with his high IQ, he didn't understand most of it.

But he did understand one vital piece, she loved him back.

Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler loved him back.

_Remarkable._

Amy let out a tiny startled gasp when Sheldon held the handkerchief to her damp face, right over her sniffling nose. "Blow" He ordered.

His girlfriend did not comply, instead her surprised green eyes gaped at him from behind the white cloth. He sucked his teeth, "It's like my Meemaw always says if you're gonna let it out, then let it all out. Now blow."

"But the germs ... it's mucus Sheldon," he heard her muffled voice say, "Aren't you worried about contamination?"

"I am touching the hankie, not your mucus. And you can keep this one; I have a dozen more in my underwear drawer. Besides, I will have to build up a tolerance to being exposed to your secretions if we are going to have sex."

"WHAT?" She coughed.

"I said blow woman!" He barked.

Amy took a deep breath through her mouth and blew her nose forcefully. Sheldon grimaced at the wet sounds coming out of his girlfriend's face. Nevertheless, he let his free hand travel up her back, rubbing in slow, gentle circles—like Meemaw used to.

Though a little baffling, Sheldon couldn't deny the emotion in her tone. Her declaration of love made his heart throb wildly in response. He could feel his insides stirring with a fresh need to unload himself, in both the figurative and literal sense.

_Fascinating._

This was it; this had to be the moment.

"Amy, I would like to alter the current physical status of our relationship." He attempted to say it as low and as calmly as he could, his hand still circling. However, his stomach was twisted tighter than a sailor's knot.

"We don't have a physical status." She replied, taking the hankie from him to wipe her nose and dab her eyes.

Removing his hand from her back, Sheldon leaned over into the front seat and opened the glove compartment. In it he grabbed a bottle of hand sanitizer that he had stashed when he and Amy first entered into their relationship.

Squirting a dollop of the liquid into her palm and then his own, Sheldon considered his words carefully, "Perhaps alter is not the best word. Allow me to rephrase my proposal. I am no longer opposed to the idea of attempting to add a sexual component to our relationship, provided certain criteria are met." He informed her while working the clear gel into his hands.

Amy was beyond thrilled to hear this news, but her face soon fell, "Criteria? What kind of criteria?" She asked while rubbing the gel across the pads of her fingers.

Sheldon shrugged, "Oh, the standard items that should be addressed prior to coi ... sex. Days of the week, time of day, location, duration, hygiene, contraception and of course, a monthly progress report."

Amy looked affronted, "A monthly progress report?"

"Yes and don't worry, I took your menstruation cycle into account." He stated casually.

Amy groaned as she tucked the hankie into her skirt pocket, "I cannot believe that you are Sheldonizing sex, Sheldon."

Sheldon was puzzled by her underwhelming reaction, "Is there an issue I am not aware of? I thought this news would make you happy. Aren't you the one who desired sex?"

Sighing, Amy attempted to explain her point of view, "Sex is not what will make me happy Sheldon. It's you that makes me happy. And if we do, somehow wind up having a roll in the hay, it should be because we both want to and not because you think it's what I want."

_By Newton, that Oswald was right._

Sheldon chewed on his lip. If he didn't say it now, he might never have the courage again. "Well, that's just it. I have recently determined that I do indeed want to … roll in the hay as you put it ... eventually..."

Amy squealed.

He continued quickly, " ... but I think we should be prepared first. We just can't go caving into our hormones willy nilly."

She smirked at him, "Why not? I don't see the harm in a little playful spontaneity."

Although Amy had been understanding and respectful of Sheldon's no sex policy, keeping her desire for him at bay had not been an easy task. Her knee throbbed painfully but she didn't care. There was another part of her anatomy was throbbing and it also needed Sheldon's tender loving care.

"Amy, we are evolved creatures and as such we just can't … " He was cut off by her lips pressing against his, he froze.

With the strength of a tigress, she grabbed the collar of his thermal and pulled him flush against her. Sheldon let out a muffled "Oh boy!", tasting the salt from her tears.

Amy wasn't sure if that was an "_Oh boy_" of joy or an "_Oh boy_" of panic, but it didn't slow her advance.

Sheldon's bright eyes fluttered closed of their own accord as the sensation of her warm body pressed to his chest sent a pulsing surge straight to his groin.

_Oh boy ... this is wrong ... oh boy ... nasopharyngitis ... pyrexia ... think of the microorganisms ... think of ... oh boy ... oh boy! _

Amy moaned happily in his mouth. The sound made his heart skip a beat and his thighs prickle with an unexpected heat. Sheldon wasn't ready for this and he knew he had to keep Amy's freight train of lust from flying off the rails, especially when he felt her hands slinking around his neck as she awkwardly attempted to climb on top of him, sore knee and all.

Regretfully, he broke the forceful kiss, gently pulling her off of his lap, "Please, please ... control yourself." He commanded with a gasp, an order meant for his own body as well as her. Not since that night in the shower when he had first lost the battle of self-control had Sheldon been so tempted, but he resolved to contain his growing curiousity and newly discovered desire until he was ready. There were still a great many questions he had for Oswald.

Breathless, she pouted at him, "You can't blame a woman for trying."

He shook his head at her, a weak smile on his lips, "Cool off Vixen. Tonight is not the night; it's time to get in the front seat." He panted softly.

Without permission, Amy ran her finger down his chest, "Sheldon, I feel I should warn you. This time I will hire an attorney."

Sheldon raised an eyebrow, still reeling a bit from Amy's splendid but nerve-wracking attack, "And you happen to know an attorney skilled in contract negotiation?"

After slipping her loafers onto her bare feet, she shifted to open the door, turning back she gave her boyfriend a wink, "I sure do Cuddles."

He interest piqued, Sheldon opened his own door, "Indeed? And who might that be?"

"Oswald Montserrat."

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><p><strong><em>LLTS! Chapter 24 will be up sometime next week (I hope). LLTS!<em>**


	24. Anything and Everything

_****The Montserrat Resurgence** - Chapter 24 **_

_**"Anything and Everything"**_

_**Disclaimers: The Big Bang Theory and its characters were created by Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady. I do not to own, nor do I profit from TBBT or its characters. **_

_**_Thank you to the readers for your continued support and patience. Enjoy! _**_

_**_Reviews are welcomed and encouraged._**_

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><p>During the short ride from the Cheesecake Factory to 2311 North Los Robles the night sky had opened up over Pasadena without warning, bombarding Amy's car with heavy drops of rain. Stalled at a red light, she switched on the windshield wipers, "You should consider yourself fortunate that those firemen were able to remove you from that window with relative ease, given the unexpected rain." Amy remarked to her boyfriend before quickly adding, "I should be livid with you for attempting to run away from me as though I were the carrier for some flesh eating bacteria. That was rather childish Sheldon."<p>

Texting furiously to Oswald on his phone, Sheldon didn't acknowledge her comment.

**_SC: We have a problem. I need to speak to you ASAP._**

With a worried pout, Sheldon slipped his phone into his messenger bag that was wedged between his calves and began to intensely stare out of the passenger side window into the rainy night.

Amy couldn't help but smile at him adoringly, observing that he was rather adorable when he pouted while his eyebrows came together in concentration.

She tilted her chin thoughtfully as she ran her hands up and then down the sides of her steering wheel, "Although, I am forced to admit that I am quite happy your admirable rump was indeed too large to squeeze through the the men's room window. Or else the rest of the evening might never have occurred."

The lonely teenage girl that made wishes and shrouded herself within Amy's psyche wanted to scamper out into the rain and frolic in the largest puddle she could find, but of course such frivolousness was out of the question. Nevertheless, she was positively drunk with gaiety.

Sheldon, _her_ beautiful and brilliant Sheldon had confessed mere moments before that he actually desired to make the proverbial beast with two backs. Sheldon _desired_ her. She still was attempting to wrap her head around that.

But far more significant than any physical manifestation of their bond was the newly revealed truth that he loved her. Sheldon _loved_ her.

"Are you unraveling the mysteries of the universe on your mental white board?" She inquired followed by a wide grin, "Or are you thinking we should have stayed in the backseat. I know I am." She teased while keeping her eyes on the light, but wiggled her eyebrows in his general direction. Her spirits were higher than she could have ever imagined possible.

However, Amy had begun to notice that he was oddly silent since they moved into the front seat. _And who does he keep texting?_

It really didn't trouble Amy that Sheldon had stopped her passionate advance, noting that he did not seem angry or disgusted as he had been in the past when far less brazen offenses were committed. She had thrown caution to the wind and was overjoyed that he hadn't recoiled in horror or poisoned himself by attempting to gargle with his hand sanitizer. _Progress._

When the light turned green, Amy reluctantly hit the gas pedal. A few more blocks and they would arrive at his apartment building and this glorious night would have to end. Unable to contain her excitement, Amy reached over and daringly clasped his hand. A gesture she had longed to repay ever since the day of Howard's launch.

Sheldon flinched at the contact, pulling his hand away hastily. With her eyes still on the road, Amy's face contorted into a puzzled frown and wondered if this was a delayed reaction to her impromptu attempt at a make-out session, "Sheldon, are you alright?" She asked cautiously, hoping that her primal zealousness in the backseat hadn't triggered some sort of mysophobic regression.

At the sound of his name the flummoxed physicist straightened up, turning his gaze to his girlfriend, he presented her with a contrite tilt of his head, "Apologies Amy. I was distracted and you startled me."

Amy felt a mix of relief and concern, but Sheldon sounded troubled. "Is something wrong? Are you having second thoughts about the prospect of us doing the nasty?"

Sheldon shot her a chastising look, "Please Amy, let's not use the word _nasty_ to describe anything having to do with sex. Penny's influence over your language is most unsettling. You are a brilliant neurobiologist; surely with your vast vocabulary you can describe the act in more refined way."

With an amused sigh and a subtle turn of the steering wheel, Amy maneuvered her car up to the curb, directly in front of Sheldon's lobby.

"That may prove to be difficult." She commented airily.

"Difficult?" He repeated as he undid his seat belt.

"Yes, very difficult." She confirmed.

"And why would that be difficult?" He asked, his eyes narrowing in her enquiringly.

Meeting his inquisitive blue sapphire gaze with her own mischievous emerald, she casually flipped her long hair back over her shoulder, "To put it simply Dr. Cooper, because there is absolutely nothing refined about what I want to do to you." She stated matter-of-factly.

The hair flip nearly did him in. Averting his eyes to the messenger bag, the genius immediately blushed, both at the comment and the undeniable purr in her voice.

_Your will is stronger than your desire Cooper, _he mentally disciplined himself_. Control your urges; do not allow them to control you. _

Sheldon was beginning to suspect that his scheduled shower session the following morning would be over rather swiftly, assuming he could hold out until the morning. Against his usual practice of scolding Amy for her suggestive comments (the ones he was able to recognize that is) he remained silent for a moment. His curiosity tickled his insides like mad. Both the green-blooded scientist and the red-blooded man had to know what he should be preparing himself for.

"What …" He swallowed hard, "… what do you want to do to me Amy?"

Unprepared for his question, Amy blushed herself. Gripping the steering tightly with both hands, a wave of nervous heat rolled over her. She hadn't expected him to take the bait, because frankly, Sheldon never took the bait.

"Well …" She licked her lips, "… for starters I would like to kiss you."

Sheldon shrugged nervously, " Obviously. I assumed that while you were penetrating my mouth earlier…" He shook his head at her, "...she-devil."

Amy's lips tightened with a guilty little smile, "Is wasn't that horrible, was it?"

"I didn't say it was horrible Amy. It was ... well ... it was enjoyable." He confessed.

Amy's eyes lit up as he continued, "But it's that kind of reckless behavior that sets dazzling intellects like ours back a hundred years. You don't want to wind up like Penny and Leonard do you?" He asked as if he were actually warning her of some horrible fate.

"And what, may I ask is wrong with Penny and Leonard? They are in love. People in love are allowed to get a little ... freaky if the mood strikes." She replied, wiggling her eyebrows at him again.

Sheldon cocked his head disdainfully, "I will tell you what is wrong with Penny and Leonard. Those two are slaves to their impulses—sniffing around each other like dogs in heat. Not to mention the gratuitous and ear-splitting intercourse. I swear Amy; the filth that comes of their mouths would make your hair turn white. Freaky indeed."

"I thought you owned noise cancelling earphones?" She inquired with a stifled chuckle, picturing her annoyed boyfriend tossing and turning under his covers as her golden haired bestie brought his screaming roommate to the very gates of heaven.

"They don't work. I have written several strongly worded letters to the manufacturers." He grumbled.

"So, you found my kissing to be enjoyable did you?" She asked brightly.

Sheldon sighed, "That's beside the point Amy."

Pushing her eyeglasses up the bridge of her nose, Amy went into full debate mode, "I disagree; I believe that is the point Sheldon. Kissing is part of making love and making love is one of the most basic and necessary acts in the history of mankind."

"That doesn't mean we have to debase ourselves by fornicating like wild animals does it? Consider this, you and I have an opportunity to master intercourse and streamline it. Doing away with the unneeded spectacle and chaos, we can conquer the act and perfect it." He insisted.

Amy's eyebrows furrowed, "Sheldon, we are discussing our sex life. We are not building Buicks nor are we staging a coup d'état."

Sheldon huffed, "As superior creatures, we owe it to ourselves and humanity …"

She raised her hand to silence him. "I am an accomplished neurobiologist with a pair of legs that deserve a standing ovation. I don't feel the need to prove that I am superior—the evidence makes that obvious." She remarked flatly.

Sheldon opened his mouth but nothing came out, she had him there.

"And to fully respond your initial inquiry, my answer is anything and everything." She said softly, pressing her fingers tenderly against her injured knee.

Her boyfriend blinked with a look of slight confusion, "Anything and everything?"

Amy nodded, her gaze falling to his mouth, "In regards to your question of what I would like to do to you. My answer is anything you want and everything I can imagine Sheldon." She informed him huskily before biting her bottom lip.

Sheldon's eyes went wide, but he maintained his composure, "I see." He quickly reached for his phone again.

_**SC: This is an emergency! DEFCON 1! DEFCON 1!**_

"Well, that's rather rude. Who do you keep texting?" Amy inquired with an equal blend of annoyance and curiosity.

Sheldon looked up from his phone and quickly shoved it back into his bag, his eye ticked, "I … well … you see ... "

Suddenly, a bright blot of white lighting shot across the sky, both Sheldon and Amy heads snapped towards the direction of the flash and waited.

_***CRACK***_

Although both expected thunder to follow, they still jumped in reaction to the crashing rumble. Sheldon's stomach involuntarily tightened and he noticed Amy placed her left hand over her chest as she let out a tiny gasp.

She looked scared and some protective part of him did not relish the sight of Amy, _his_ Amy being frightened.

To Sheldon's own surprise, his right hand snaked itself under the hand on her chest. Amy held her breath as his long fingers interlaced with her dainty ones; the connection had an instant calming effect on them both. She exhaled once his hand rested comfortably around hers.

"It's only the increase in pressure and temperature from the lightning that produces a rapid expansion of the air surrounding it, creating a sonic shock wave." He said in an attempt to soothe her as he watched their joined hands with wonderment.

Amy ran her thumb over his, "I am aware of what produces thunder Thor." She retorted playfully.

Her clever response had made him smile, despite the panic that was brewing inside regarding this Oswald situation, "Meemaw says I am a smart cookie and that I can figure out anything if I try my darndest at it. However, right now I feel … rather lost. Amy, given our recent proclamations, I am sure there is some kind of social protocol I should be following. I look to you for guidance regarding this new emotional development."

She leaned her face back against the seat, offering him a dreamy smile, "You are overlooking the fact that this is completely new to me as well."

Facing her, he rested his head against his own seat. Sheldon gently rocked his wrist from side to side, marveling at the contact and how it was not producing the usual raging terror whenever he came into physical contact with, well, anyone besides his Mama and Meemaw.

"Then how can we proceed if we aren't sure how to go about it?" He asked with a small note of concern in his voice.

Releasing his hand, she then reached past him into her glove compartment and took out the small bottle of hand sanitizer, "Sheldon, to amend the words of your beloved Meemaw …", Amy then cleared her throat and attempted a sweet Texan drawl, "_… _we are a couple of smart cookies and we can figure out anything if we try our darndest, _together_." Uncapping the bottle, she held it out for him.

Sheldon sighed with appreciation as he acknowledged the bottle with gratitude, "Thank you Amy … " He then looked into her face and felt himself reflecting her dreamy smile, " … but no thank you."

She blinked with surprise, "No?"

Taking the bottle from her, he recapped it and tossed it back into the glove compartment, shutting the small hinged door forcefully. "Good night Amy. And for the record, I am pleased that you didn't allow your argument with your mother to dissuade you from meeting me." He said quickly before grabbing his bag and stepping out into the rainy night.

Amy felt herself radiate with happiness at the realization that Sheldon, in his own Homo Novus way, had just romanced her. Smiling, she watched her boyfriend become soaked to the skin as he sprinted towards his front door.

"Good night Sheldon." She said sweetly to the empty spot next to her before driving off to her respective home.

Upon entering his lobby, a dripping Sheldon paused and ran the hand that just held Amy's over his mouth, "Anything and everything." He whispered aloud. There was something that went beyond the sexual in her words, it almost sounded like a promise.

**_*CRACK*_**

Sheldon violently flinched at the sound of another loud roll of thunder.

The shock set off a reminder in Sheldon's brain. "Oswald!" He growled, quickly remembering how Amy said she would hire Oswald as her consulting attorney when they renegotiated their relationship agreement. He reached into his bag and checked his phone, no replies. Sheldon would not be dismissed by Oswald, not when his future with Amy was at stake.

Without thinking, he turned on his heel and headed back out into the rain.

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><p><strong><em>Chapter 25 in progress. <em>****_Long live the Shamy!_**


	25. Hulk Smash!

_**The Big Bang Theory and its characters were created by Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady. I do not to own, nor do I profit from TBBT or its characters. I also do not own the various other games, movies or TV shows I reference throughout my story. This is meant for entertainment purposes only.**_

_**This has not been beta read, so please forgive any typos on my part. I tend to go back and clean/tweak stuff so feel free to check in and re-read if the mood strikes. **_

_**Onward to Chapter 25! "HULK SMASH!"**_

_**Thank you for reading. **_

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><p>Without his bus pants Sheldon knew his only option was to take a taxi to Oswald's apartment. He wasn't thrilled about the prospect, but he did appreciate that when traveling by taxi he avoided the hordes of heavy breathing commuters who sat too close to him or listened to their music at an outrageous decibel.<p>

On occasion, Sheldon had been lucky when it came to taxis and would be surprisingly satisfied when a driver would adhere to all the traffic laws and the vehicle didn't smell like body odor, motor oil or both. Other times Sheldon had not been so lucky—holding his breath while he white knuckled it the whole way. Cabs were always a crapshoot.

But tonight, to his dismay, several available taxis zoomed right past him. "This is ridiculous." he grumbled aloud as a fourth vacant cab didn't even bother to slow down as it passed him on the curb, driving through a large puddle and nearly splashing him. "I have an eidetic memory and I saw your medallion number! Consider yourself reported!" He shouted in the direction of the vehicle's rear bumper.

Little did Sheldon know that there was an unspoken rule amongst the hard working cab drivers of California. Simply put, no fare was worth the crazy. Especially if the crazy was a dripping wet lunatic who was waving his arms manically at oncoming traffic.

Ultimately, one suspicious looking rust bucket of a cab took pity on him. Handing Sheldon a couple of fresh plastic trash bags, this particular driver insisted he spread them out on the seat before he sat down. "I will comply, but frankly I fail to see the point in protecting cracked vinyl held together with duct tape." He remarked cantankerously. But after a second glance, observing the candy wrappers on the floor and an unsettling reddish-brown splotch on the passenger side of the partition, Sheldon's mouth puckered in disgust, "Snake eyes."

After twenty minutes of being subjected to a tedious sports commentary show blasting from the radio, a drenched but determined Sheldon Cooper trudged into the modern glass paneled lobby of Oswald Montserrat's luxury apartment building. Internally touting his own ingenuity, he had punctured three large holes in the one of the black trash bags and was using it as a makeshift rain poncho.

Once at the elevator, Sheldon moved aside for an elderly woman with a blue tint to her hair donning a hideous paisley patterned raincoat that made him wonder if she suffered from cataracts. As the frail looking woman stepped out of the brightly lit elevator she immediately hesitated when she noticed the tall and soggy young man wearing a black trash bag.

Her tired eyes ran over him impassively, "You're making a puddle son." she stated in a creaking voice. Sheldon looked down at his feet; sure enough as large drops continued to roll off his plastic poncho, a small puddle had begun to form and was seeping into the area rug he was standing on.

Sheldon's lips tightened, "Sorry" was all he could croak out in reply. The kind senior citizen gave him a weak smile, "Don't fret about it dear. It happens to me all the time." Appreciative of her understanding, but a little disturbed, Sheldon walked into the elevator and with his knuckle pressed the button for Oswald's floor, looking cautiously around the elevator floor for any mysterious puddles.

His stomach rumbled with hunger as he walked onto Oswald's floor. All he had in the way of nourishment over the last few hours was his mango assignment and even then it was firmly communicated to him not to bite or chew on the sweet fleshy meat.

Oswald informed Sheldon that his instruction for the novice would stick to "vanilla" techniques.

Oswald's sexual jargon confounded Sheldon, but he supposed like any expert in their field there would be certain terminology that not everyone would understand. As an exceptional theoretical physicist, Sheldon could relate. In most circumstances, he felt obligated to dumb down his sparkling inner dialogue when he tried to outwardly explain his notions and theorems to Leonard, Raj and Howard—especially Howard.

The genius could only assume the term "vanilla" was some type of ice cream reference since there was a great deal of licking and slurping involved during his lesson. At first Sheldon was unfazed by the instruction to peel the outside skin down from one end of the sliver and acquaint his mouth with the mango's naked pulp. However, once Oswald clarified the point of the lesson, Sheldon's apprehension kicked in. After some coaxing from Oswald, Sheldon nervously relented. Listening dejectedly, he followed his tutor's directions and ultimately "went down" on the unsuspecting stone fruit.

_That particular act was definitely not on my original syllabus. _

Another growl emerged from his belly. Sheldon mentally kicked himself, due to the debacle at the Cheesecake Factory, he and Amy had fled the scene before either of them had their dinner. Hunger made Sheldon irritable and impatient, but then again, most things made him irritable and impatient—with the exception of quantum physics and Amy.

_***Knock Knock Knock* **_

"Oswald"

_***Knock Knock Knock* **_

"Oswald"

_***Knock Knock Knock* **_

"Oswald"

Sheldon waited. There was no response. He knocked again, this time harder and louder. Still, there was nothing. Apparently the professional penis of Pasadena was not at home.

"Oh friggity frak" he groused, his hands fumbling underneath the trash bag for his wallet. Sheldon hoped he had enough cash on him for a taxi back to his apartment. He detested the idea of going to an automatic teller machine. Part of him suspected that the soulless machines were patiently observing us until the day they would rise up like Terminators and become our robotic overloads. That and he hated the shocking withdrawal fees.

While counting the damp dollar bills he was struck with yet another ingenious idea. He would use his Justice League membership card to gain passage into Oswald's apartment, leave the absentee hustler a note explaining the latest developments with Amy and be back in the comfort of his own home in time for a warm glass of milk (and perhaps quick non-scheduled solo session) before bed.

Kneeling eye-level with the single cylinder lock Sheldon snorted, "If I can get past a five-pin tumbler system with a single-circuit alarm, then this will be easy, breezy, crackers and cheesy."

Slowly and carefully, Sheldon attempted to wedge the thin hard piece of plastic between the door frame and the lock's thick metal bolt. With his free hand hovering above the doorknob, Sheldon intently listened for the telltale click of the rod being pushed back into the lock.

Suddenly, his head snapped up like an alley cat on high alert as his heightened sense of hearing picked up the faint sound of voices getting closer from behind the closed elevator doors. He stilled, the voices grew louder and clearer as the elevator neared. He recognized the deep pitch and distinct gravel in the man's throat. It was Oswald's voice, but with a perplexing British accent attached to it.

Not wanting to be caught red-handed in the act of what he now realized would be considered "breaking and entering" by the police, he quickly pulled at the card, but it wouldn't budge, "Uh oh".

Sheldon continued to yank at the jammed card, his fingers slipping off the plastic with each frantic tug.

He tensed at the sound of the additional voice, a giggling female.

"Oh goodie," Sheldon groaned sarcastically as he realized the reason for his tutor's silent treatment—the stud for hire was on the clock.

_Note to self: Demand that Oswald provide a schedule of his "working" hours. _

Finally, as the bell of the elevator chimed at Oswald's floor he was able to pull the card out, almost falling backward in the process. As if the walls were on fire, he sprinted wildly in the opposite direction of the elevator, frantically searching for a way out. He mutely rejoiced at the sight of a stairwell a few paces from him after he sharply turned the corner of the narrow hallway just as the pair walked out of the elevator.

Out of sight, he paused and waited. The plastic bag made quite a bit of noise whenever he moved so he'd have to make his escape after the duo entered Oswald's apartment.

"As pleasurable as it would be, I'm not sure this is such a brilliant notion …," Oswald's voice rang out.

Sheldon noted his put on accent his was quite believable, Penny would do well to benefit from Oswald's tutelage, his theatrical tutelage that is. With the way Leonard spills out obscenities at the top of his lungs during their amorous activities, he highly doubted she required training in Oswald's main field of expertise.

Oswald and his latest paramour grew quiet in the hallway for a moment Sheldon was seized with the tiniest flutter of panic, hoping that he hadn't made another noticeable puddle in front of his tutor's door. He debated whether or not to indulge his nervous curiosity to peek around the corner, but decided against it.

Nevertheless, something was compelling him to eavesdrop on this modern day Casanova in action. Sheldon's ears picked up on a few soft sighs and a low groan from Oswald's throat. The genius assessed the sounds and determined they were kissing, rather passionately, in the middle of the hallway.

Unable to help it, Sheldon's face reddened and for a moment he toyed with the idea of repaying Amy's ambush in the backseat with one of his own.

_Perhaps, I could try my hand at Amy's suggestion of playful spontaneity? Provided things don't get out of control. No mango licking … just a few kisses and maybe even a short visit to second base. That might put the "Hoo" in her Yoohoo. _

Biting his lip to suppress his own puckish giggle, Sheldon then heard the creak of hinges from Oswald's door as it swung open. He was almost home free. In the midst of slowly reaching for the stairwell door, Sheldon abruptly halted as Oswald spoke again.

"…we'd be in an awful pickle if he should find out Amy." The gigolo warned playfully in a sing-song voice.

Sheldon's amused grin disintegrated as from the color drained from his wet face. _Amy? _

The woman giggled again and said something in response to his mock concern, but since the pair had already moved inside Oswald's apartment and closed the door, the words were muddled and unclear.

Sheldon slowly turned around and crept back the way he came. Cautiously approaching Oswald's door, he brought his hand up to knock but instead was instantly paralyzed as he heard Oswald beckon his companion to him with a growl, "Come 'ere, show me that silky skin of yours. Bloody hell, it's like cream."

The inside of Sheldon's mouth rapidly turned to ash as he unexpectedly became nauseated, the acid in his empty stomach churning with dread.

Oswald let out a low throaty chuckle, "Fancy a bit of cream Amy?" There was some rustling, the sound of fabric being roughly pulled off and then the woman let out a harsh gasp.

He pressed his ear against the door he listened for the woman, he needed her to say something, anything. Just one word and he would know the voice. At least, he thought he would. But earlier that very evening Amy's voice dropped into an almost unrecognizable sensual purr as she told Sheldon she wanted to do anything and everything to him.

The rare and malnourished creature that was Sheldon's insecurity began to hiss maliciously in his ear.

_Amy would rather do anything and everything to Oswald since you spinelessly rejected her backseat seduction. You drove her into the master seducer's bed by denying her affection, Smelly Pooper. _

His logic and heart attempted to intervene, but Sheldon's turmoil only grew as the illicit noises continued to echo from behind the door.

"You are so very good at that … keep going …"Oswald groaned, "… oh Amy… you don't know how I've dreamed about this …"

Each cry of pleasure from Oswald hammered into Sheldon's head like a railroad spike between his eyes and each sloppy wet suck intermingled with the low hum of the female voice made him want to retch. Sheldon was woozy; his hands violently trembled along with his bottom lip.

Logic returned, pushing past the confusion._ Dismiss the notion of love Dr. Cooper. Testosterone, estrogen, dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, oxytocin, and vasopressin. Love is nothing but a chemical cocktail that intoxicates your brain and takes you off the path of reason. _

Oswald began to moan louder, with urgency, "He can never know ... oh God ...it ...it can only be this once …"

Sheldon's throat was tight, he couldn't breathe. The idea that the only woman he would ever consider as queen to his king was now savoring a hearty mouthful of Oswald a few steps from where he stood made him want to tear the door of the hinges.

_Love is for lesser minds. _His logic maintained.

His all too human heart leapt in his chest and joined the debate.

_Amy loves you and she is no lesser mind. Hear me Sheldon! That is not and will never be our Amy in there. She wants you! _

The mocking hiss resurfaced. _Yes, she wanted you ... but the woman has needs, physical needs that you have been unable to meet time and time again. Let a real man handle this. You're no Kirk, Poindexter. _

Logic piggybacked on this,_ You allowed your human half to lead you and look where it has gotten you! Wash your hands of both of them. Repress your biological urges, repress your emotions. Wash your hands clean Dr. Cooper! _

"… He loves you … oh … he trusts me … oh yes … he can never know …"

Sheldon knew that to live his life by logic and to truly exist as Homo Novus he would have to be immune to jealousy and impervious to anger. But all he could feel coursing through every vein and setting off every nerve was ... rage.

Sheldon Cooper was in the throes of his human heart breaking. _That is not my Amy ... it's not ... it can't be._

Oswald was practically shouting, "… oh fuck … yes … Amy … that's it ... he ... he doesn't deserve you …you're mine now aren't you? All mine!"

In that moment, the sleeping Hulk had awakened, silencing all of the other voices that fought for Sheldon's attention. He was consumed with blinding and terrible rage.

With both fists, Sheldon pounded on the door thrice with all his strength like an incensed beast, "Open up you son of a bitch!" He screamed at the door, saliva spraying out of the corner of his mouth. The moans and groans from inside the apartment abruptly stopped. There were hushed whispers and the sound of fabric again.

Sheldon surmised that the deceitful pair was now dressing, as if that could mask their betrayal.

He quickly scanned his mental library. When Sheldon was twelve, during his reckless college party days, he spent a rather wild weekend reading a hilariously outdated encyclopedia from A to Z just for kicks.

One letter he was particularly fond of was "P". Some his favorite things were in that book of "P". Particles, physics, protons, just to name a few.

But one topic that was of unusual and surprising interest to him was pugilism. He noted that the combat sport in which two people engage in a contest using only their fists was fairly straight forward with it's movements and was somewhat similar to the choreography his was forced to learn in dance class.

Sheldon determined that he was about to test that comparison.

His face grew hot as the sound of movement grew closer.

With a grunt, Sheldon ripped off the trash bag and let the shreds fall to the floor. He balled his hands and held them out awkwardly in front of his face in preparation, his posture imitating the pose of the Victorian boxer in the old faded photo he recalled with perfectly clarity.

Oswald's heavy steps approached the door.

Sheldon had never instigated a physical altercation in his life; in fact it was his practice to avoid them at all costs. But tonight, to quote his late father, his was going to "knock that chump's block off."

The door swung open, a flushed Oswald greeted him with a confused smile. His white button down shirt was spread open exposing his sculpted chest. There were lipstick stains across his chiseled abdomen. His loose brown tweed pants had been haphazardly pulled back on and his zipper was halfway up.

His dark eyes brightened as he panted heavily, "Sheldon buddy, what's wrong? What are you doing …"

_***THWONK!***_

Oswald roughly fell back onto his hardwood floor, hitting the ground with a loud thud. His red fez flew off his head and into the air, eventually landing at the woman's feet—she screamed.

Breathing hard, Sheldon's crazed ticking eyes quickly tore away from Oswald and flashed up at Amy.

The Amy who clearly was _not_ Amy Farrah Fowler.

Gripping her black bra, attempting to shield her startled face, the stranger was dressed in a short denim skirt, her half buttoned cardigan was inside out and she had on the most unconvincing auburn wig Sheldon had ever seen.

Oswald groggily pushed himself onto his elbows, "Sheldon! What the fuck man?" He spat. His British accent had vanished as his nose began to bleed profusely.

Sheldon observed the scene before him and replayed the last few minutes in his mind. The British accent, the red fez, the tweed pants, the auburn wig, all that talk about how "he" could never find out and of course, the name "Amy".

_Oh dear Lord. _

Sheldon sputtered as his mind grasped for the right words of apology. The pair simply stared at him in shock as he stood there with a lost look on his face. Blinking rapidly, he lowered his fists. His rage now eclipsed by his rising tide of shame at the realization that just unnecessarily broke Oswald's perfect nose and thought the absolute worst about the woman he loved and who loved him, his confidante, his beloved Amy Farrah Fowler.

_How could I have been so stupid?_

"I … I…" He stammered to towards the female in a wig, "… well ... everyone knows that River Song and the eleventh Doctor belong together ... and Amy belongs with Rory ... if you're going to play _Doctor Who_, then do it right."

He then moved his apologetic eyes to Oswald who was still on the floor, tilting his head up while pinching his gushing nose, "… the fez was a nice touch though …" He noted aloud in a meek tone as he began to waver on his feet, "Oh dear ... you're bleeding Oswald..."

The woman suddenly screamed again as the wet and crazy man who just broke her escort's nose passed out cold.

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><p><em><strong>As usual, reviews are welcomed and encouraged. They make my heart happy! <strong>_

_**Chapter 26 in progress! LLTS! **_


	26. Brother from Another Mother

**_The Big Bang Theory and its characters were created by Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady. I do not own, nor do I profit from TBBT or its characters. I also do not own the various other games, movies or TV shows I reference throughout my story. This is meant for entertainment purposes only._**

**_This has not been beta read, so please forgive any typos on my part._**

**_Chapter 26! "Brother From Another Mother"_**

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><p>Having had cleaned off the blood from his face and chest, the bruised escort apologetically smiled to that evening's client, "Thank you for being so understanding. It's not easy having a brother like Sheldon. The army doctor called it post-traumatic stress." Oswald lied elegantly with just a dash of tender emotion in his otherwise deep and gritty voice as he chivalrously slipped her raincoat over the shoulders.<p>

The petite 40-something blonde who just minutes before was role-playing as the statuesque 20-something Amelia Pond pouted, "The poor guy. Isn't there help for people like him?" Her sympathetic gaze falling on the unconscious and damp man that Oswald had dragged onto his black leather sofa.

He gave her a melodramatic shrug, "Not as much as you'd think." Oswald hid the scowl he gave his brother, "He has had trouble holding down a job and I try to help in any small way I can. I had completely forgotten that I told him he could swing by tonight to raid my fridge. Apparently he skipped his meds today. Forgive me Beautiful?"

She nodded somberly, "Of course, I can only imagine how difficult this has been for you."

Oswald returned her nod, "Yes, Sheldon can be … challenging."

He opened his front door for her and immediately noticed the strange sight of a wet shredded trash bag on the floor. He quickly snatched it up, removing it from their path.

"It's such a shame. You are a wonderful brother Ozzie—although, I don't see much of a resemblance."

Walking his client to the elevator, Oswald gave her another smile but legitimately winced at the sharp pain that followed. A purplish bruise was already beginning to develop under his bloodshot left eye.

"Darling, I'm afraid you are going to have a real shiner. " The woman observed, "It's a good thing he only gave you a bloody nose. I honestly thought he had broken it." She brought her fingers to his chin, "It would be horrible for a face as handsome as yours to be disfigured."

Oswald took his client's hand from his face and lightly squeezed her fingers, "I promise, as soon as I have healed we will reschedule our time-traveling adventure." The woman smirked as she pulled a red envelope out of her expensive designer purse, "Only next time I will wear my wild curly wig, alright Sweetie?"

Catching her meaning Oswald offered her a bow, "Anything you say River."

She attempted to give him the envelope, but his raised his hand in protest. "No, I couldn't. It wouldn't be right. You didn't get to … what I mean is … you had expectations for the evening that weren't met."

The woman frowned, "Please don't think of it that way Ozzie. I had a wonderful time at dinner and we did sneak in some naughty fun before …" She paused and glanced at his open front door. It sounded like the unstable man had begun to stir and was muttering loudly. "I think he's waking up."

Oswald tried to mask his look of frustration with a face filled with brotherly love, but instead his good eye unexpectedly twitched. "You better go. He can be unpredictable when he's off his medication."

"What about you?" She asked apprehensively.

"I'll be fine. He just caught me with a lucky shot. Trust me, I can handle him." He said flatly, running a hand through his thick mane of dark brown hair.

She licked her lips up at him, "I am sure there are quite a few things you can handle." The woman then reached around Oswald's waist and stuffed the envelope in the back pocket of his tweed slacks. He hummed in mild surprise when she quickly cupped his buttock and squeezed before hurriedly shuffling into the waiting elevator.

As soon as the glass doors closed Oswald heard Sheldon groaning loudly, "No, no Gorn … that's my mango … don't … that mango is not for you … NOT FOR YOU!"

Sheldon's eyes exploded open as he jolted up into a sitting position at the sound of Oswald's front door slamming hard. He blinked a couple of times, assessing his surroundings before locking eyes with a severe looking Oswald Montserrat.

Sheldon gulped, "Hello."

Oswald was deathly quiet.

Moving his long legs off the sofa and onto the floor, he sat contritely. "Did your lady friend leave?"

Still, there was no reply. The only response was the sound of the rain still pouring outside.

Sheldon paused and thought of another approach, "I noticed that her wig was of poor quality. If you wish I can you give the name of an excellent wig shop in Glendale—they are pricey but it's worth the investment. Colleagues of mine have used them for Comic-Con several years in a row and were consistently very happy with the…."

"Shut up!" Oswald finally barked.

Sheldon obeyed, instantly sucking his bottom lip into his mouth. He grimaced at the sensation of his toes squishing in his wet socks and shoes. There was an incredibly awkward silence as he sat under Oswald's glare.

Finally, Sheldon forced himself to look up at Oswald. With innocent eyes he limply held up his right hand, baring his red knuckles to him, "My hand hurts."

Oswald scoffed, angrily pointing to his swollen eye. "Does this look like this feels good? I can't work with my face like this—I might even lose clients. You have put me out of commission for at least three weeks."

Sheldon straightened up, "Oswald, I have had nine black eyes in my lifetime. After the third, courtesy of my older brother, I began to calculate the average healing time. If you ice it now for ten minute intervals, the swelling should go down in about three days and the discoloration might only last up to ten days."

Oswald growled, despite the sound advice, "Do me a favor Sheldon, next time you go all bat shit crazy and want to punch me, make it a body blow."

Sheldon brought his eyebrows together, wrinkling his features into a regretful frown.

With a long exasperated sigh, Oswald marched over to his kitchen and opened up one of his bottom cabinets, pulling out a large glass mixing bowl. Sheldon observed the man nervously as he headed over to his stainless steel refrigerator, tilting the bowl under the ice maker. Cowering at the brash noise of large ice chunks clattering against the glass, Sheldon watched Oswald fill it halfway and then place it on his counter.

Roughly snatching one of his tall bar stools, he positioned it in front of the bowl. "Get over here genius." He ordered.

Sheldon hesitated, unsure of what was happening.

"Move it!" Oswald said with a snap of his fingers before pointing to the stool.

Collecting himself, Sheldon slowly stood up and timidly moved towards the stool, almost tripping over his canvas bag. While hoisting himself up onto the seat, he yelped as Oswald grabbed him by the wrist of his sore hand.

"Relax; I'm not going to hurt you." He said calmly.

Sheldon remained tense, "Are you sure? I thought perhaps you planned on beating me like a bongo."

Oswald grumbled, "The thought had crossed my mind. But, as tempting as it is to punch you in the throat—that would only hurt Amy. Now wiggle your fingers." He commanded.

The penitent physicist complied despite the uncomfortable sensation of being manhandled by Oswald.

Oswald was angry with Sheldon, but he tried to understand him. His face hurt like a bitch and he just received his last payday for a couple of weeks, all thanks to this brilliant and socially awkward virgin who didn't get innuendo or sarcasm. Despite the frustration, the inconvenience and overall craziness Oswald actually respected the guy. He was genuine, like Amy.

"Why the hell did you slug me dingbat?" He asked while continuing to examine Sheldon's hand.

Sheldon sighed, "I made an assumption. It was an incorrect assumption and my actions were … unfortunate. But how can you blame when you kept shouting her name over and over … it was distressing."

"I didn't hear an apology in there Sheldon." He said firmly, looking up and keeping the man in his stare.

Hunching his shoulders, Sheldon tilted his head, "Fine. Oswald Montserrat, I apologize for hitting you."

Oswald took a deep breath, "Apology accepted Sheldon Cooper." He then added, "But you only get one get out of jail free card with me. The next time you pull a stunt like that I cannot be held accountable for my actions."

Sheldon clearly understood the man's warning, "Throat punch, noted."

"Well, I don't think anything is fractured … with the exception of your sanity." Oswald quipped while shaking Sheldon's own wrist at him.

Sheldon couldn't help but roll his eyes, "I'm not crazy. My mother had me tested." He then yelped again as Oswald shoved the physicist's hand into the bowl of ice.

Oswald finally smiled at him, "I demand a recount."

Noticing that his nose had begun to bleed again with a thin trickle, Oswald hurriedly ripped a sheet from a roll of paper towels and held it to his face. "Be right back." His muffled voice said from behind the paper towel.

Sheldon chewed his bottom lip remorsefully and nodded as he watched his tutor walk away and disappear into his bathroom. He then heard the distant sound of water running and the occasional grumbled swear word from Oswald.

Sitting in silence, perched on the stool Sheldon looked down at his throbbing right hand submerged in the numbing ice when something caught his eye on the far side of the countertop.

It was a small rectangular cardboard box with a glossy photo of a strange cylindrical object on it. The writing on the box appeared to be simplified Chinese characters. Sheldon endeavored to read them, having had one pointless Mandarin lesson with Wolowitz years ago. He only recognized one of the characters and if he recalled correctly (and of course he did) the lone symbol had several meanings, among them "tool", "equipment", "instrument" and "device".

"Curious," Sheldon whispered aloud as he reached across the countertop with his free hand, clawing at the box and dragging it to him. The picture of the object in question appeared to be silver in color but clearly not metal, perhaps some type of silicone? One side had a rounded end, while the black base had a short battery cartridge attached to it.

The black base had two tiny silver tone switches, similar to a dimmer switch, horizontally lined up side by side. There was no indication anywhere on the peculiar box as to what exactly these switches did. If there were, he would still be unable to read it.

Just then, Oswald returned from his bathroom barefoot, his hair wet and slicked back while donning a snug, well-worn gray t-shirt with faded red lettering and form fitting blue jeans. He stopped abruptly when he saw the genius handling the specialty item he purchased just that afternoon.

"Put that down before you hurt yourself." Oswald said with an amused smirk.

"What is it? Is it a toy?" Sheldon asked, ignoring Oswald's command.

"Just let me have it Sheldon… " His tutor said with a more serious tone, holding out his hand. "… I don't think this particular type of toy is your kind of thing."

"How can I know if it's my thing or not if I don't know what it is?" He waited, now giving Oswald his undivided attention.

Oswald grew quiet for a moment; he seemed to be considering it. Relenting, he then took the box from him forcefully and opened it, "Alright, but don't say I didn't warn you." After stretching his fingers into the narrow opening of the box, he pulled out the device by the black base and held it up for the genius's inspection.

Sheldon's eyes narrowed on the thing, "If that is supposed to be a sonic screwdriver, then it is the poorest excuse for one I have ever seen. There are no lights, it is much too big …" Sheldon seemed perturbed by the lack of authenticity, "What does it do exactly?"

Oswald's face spread with a grin, practically shutting his swollen eye. Reaching into the box again he yanked out a sealed pair of batteries that came with the "toy". Peeling the plastic off, he then quickly opened the black cartridge, slipped the batteries in and shut it closed with a loud click.

Raising the item in question again mere inches from Sheldon's face, Oswald slowly glided up the first switch with the pad of his thumb. Sheldon's Vulcan eyebrow went up as the object moved, or rather rotated. The rounded end slowly swirled in counter-clockwise circles. He could hear the small gears inside the device softly whirring with each rotation.

"Is that it?" Sheldon scoffed, he was utterly unimpressed. Oswald dismissed his pupil's snarky comment as he set the first switch to its highest setting; the speed of the rotations grew faster, almost frantic.

"How odd, it almost looks alive, like an earthworm. But sonic screwdrivers don't do that."

The ice began to sting Sheldon's hand, so he slipped it out of the bowl and reached for the paper towels. Dumbfounded, Sheldon shrugged while drying his hand, "I don't see what's so special about that … "

He paused; the gears in his own radiant mind began to speed up as well. An uneasy feeling crept over him.

Oswald moved on to the second switch. The device then began to buzz with vibration as well as rotate.

Sheldon studied the curious item as it churned and hummed. His face slowly scrunched up into a look of disgusted realization, his eyes finally seeing the phallic shape, "Is that device some kind of …" his lip trembled, "…marital aid?"

Switching it off, Oswald slammed his other hand down on the counter, "Give the man a cigar!"

With a mix of confusion and disapproval Sheldon leapt off the stool and backed up a few steps, as though Oswald suddenly had the bubonic plague. "You were correct. That certainly is not my thing."

Sliding the dual-action vibrator back into the original packaging Oswald shook his head derisively at Sheldon, "I knew you couldn't handle it."

Sheldon bristled as he glared at the small box with suspicion, "Now hang on, apparently you are unable to 'handle it' either. Or else why would you be presenting your client with C-3PO's missing manhood complete with batteries?"

Oswald laughed despite his aching face, "Sheldon, my client actually requested this. When she or any of my other clients communicate to me what their fantasies are it pays off for me to listen and follow through. Remember that, it always pays to listen and follow through."

Sheldon paused to process this, robotically titling his head, "Intriguing." His nose twitched, "But that it is still not my thing. Nor do I believe it to be Amy's." He insisted.

Oswald then gathered a few ice cubes from the bowl into a clean dish towel. "Speaking of communicating and Amy, did you talk to your girlfriend about taking things to the next level?"

Nodding with a self-satisfied smile, Sheldon knocked on the counter affirmatively, "Indeed I did. Once the firemen removed me from the men's room window and the EMT patched me up, Amy and I had a forthright conversation in the backseat of her car. I informed her that after a considerable amount of preparation and planning—we could proceed to the next phase and engage in the act of sexual intercourse. Her initial reaction was not what I expected. She seemed rather put off by the notion of a progress report—for the life of me I don't understand why."

Pressing the terrycloth wrapped ice to against his left eye; Oswald stared back with his mouth ajar at the methodical madman. With each interaction between the two men, it was becoming absurdly apparent to Oswald that the act of sex was not the only area in where the remarkable and accomplished Sheldon Cooper was an utter neophyte. He had managed to completely bungle Oswald's instructions to simply "communicate" with Amy.

"I ... I won't even ask about the firemen or the EMT." Oswald said with a sigh, waving his free hand as though he were batting Sheldon's lunacy away from him. "But of course Amy was put off. No woman wants to hear that their sexual performance is going to be measured and tabulated. That isn't romantic or sexy."

Crossing his arms defensively, Sheldon puffed up, "For your information, once I proclaimed that I desired to consummate our relationship as well and our shared affections were revealed the vixen swooped down on me in an attempt to instigate a spontaneous act of passion as though we were couple of horny teenagers. "

Oswald removed the make-shift pack from his face, "Shared affections?"

"In layman's terms, we are in love." Saying it out loud suddendly made him feel strangely self-conscience. It was an expression the Homo Novus never thought he would use in his lifetime, but he just did. The declaration made his heart perform a tiny leap in his chest. Sheldon's arms tightened around himself, "But nothing happened in the backseat. As my treasured acquaintance Howard would say, I put the kibosh on it."

Oswald gaped with earnest disappointment at his hopeless pupil, "You shut her down?"

Sheldon shyly licked his bottom lip, "What else could I do Oswald? We were in a practically empty parking lot, alone and in the dark. It wasn't exactly an ideal setting."

"Sheldon, believe me when I say it was the perfect setting to test her waters." Oswald smirked.

"Test her waters?" Sheldon parroted back.

"You could have dipped a toe in, so to speak, and let things get a little wet." His tutor maintained.

Sheldon tugged at his damp black thermal with annoyance, "I am plenty wet, thank you."

Groaning, Oswald rolled his good eye, "Not you genius—her! You could have let your hands do some exploring to find out what turns her on or you could simply have asked her what she imagines you are doing to her when she touches herself."

Sheldon loudly gasped as he face fell in shock, "Simply ask her when she ... Oh dear Lord! I don't think Amy does that!"

Shaking his head, the giglio put his hands on his hips, "Sheldon, lots of people do it and Amy has made it clear to you that she has a sexual appetite. Don't be naive Doctor—you didn't invent masturbation."

Sputtering, he was totally thrown by Oswald's directness, "But ... but ... I couldn't ask her _that_. Could I?"

Oswald sucked his teeth, "Well, you are her boyfriend. And you'll never know unless you try. Only next time, don't bring a pie chart."

Sheldon's eyes quickly glazed over the boxed device, but he brought his focus back to his teacher. "The progress report was going to be a detailed and informative Excel spreadsheet…" Sheldon pursed his lips,"...a pie chart, spare me Oswald."

With another frustrated groan, Oswald opened his freezer and pulled out a chilled bottle of vodka, "I don't get you. You have passion enough to give me a black eye when you thought Amy was here. But Sheldon, what is the point of our lessons if you don't allow yourself to act?"

Sheldon considered his tutor's inquiry as Oswald continued, "You can practice jerking off and eating out mangoes all damn day, but if you keep waiting until everything lines up perfectly in your mind, then it will never happen. Meanwhile, back on earth, Amy cares for you so deeply that she is willing to continue putting her own desires aside in order to renegotiate your stupid agreement."

"And just how did you know that Oswald?" Sheldon spat in surprise.

Reaching into his back pocket, Oswald pulled out his IPhone and unlocked it, after a couple of quick taps he then handed it over to Sheldon. "Amy also texted me tonight after you did, but since I was with a client I didn't respond to either of you. "

Sheldon's blue eyes grew wide as he scrolled through the messages.

_**Greetings Oswald, Amy Farrah Fowler here. Firstly, I wanted to thank you again for dinner. It was a very pleasant evening.**_

Sheldon pouted like a child.

_**Secondly, I apologize for not contacting you sooner. When I informed my boyfriend of our dinner, he was none too pleased. I thought it best if I gave him some time to get use to the idea of my having a heterosexual male friend outside of his immediate circle.**_

_**Thirdly, I will be entering into substantial negotiations regarding an agreement I am currently bound to. I require your skills as an attorney and possible mediator. It's an unusual case. Of course I would pay for your time, I don't expect any favors. I will be touch. Regards, AFF**_

_**P.S. I will be unable to return your shirt. My boyfriend disposed of it.**_

Sheldon exhaled with annoyance, "I will kindly ask you to modify her name entry. Her name is Amy Farrah Fowler, not Amy _Foxy_ Fowler." He hissed.

Oswald merely chuckled in response as he filled two shot glasses with straight vodka, Sheldon noticed.

"I don't drink." He said matter-of-factly.

Oswald gave his student a thwarted shrug, "Fine, more for me."

Sheldon shook his head in disapproval. "I need you sober Oswald, you have to drive me home."

Oswald snorted, "I don't have to do shit for you. You punched me in the face, remember?

Huffing with impatience, Sheldon sighed, "Yes and I said I was sorry. Honestly, how long are you going to beat that dead horse? We have a larger issue to attend to. Amy wants to retain your services."

The comment made the escort snicker at the thought of Amy wanting his "services". He lifted the first shot glass up, "Sheldon buddy, I would do whatever Amy Foxy Fowler wanted, for free, and I do mean _anything_ she wanted … YEEOUCH!" Oswald practically shrieked, spilling half of the contents of his glass on the floor.

Sheldon had just forcefully rewarded his instructor's sass with what Missy and George Jr. would crudely refer to as a "titty twister".

"You are gonna quit that kind of talk about Amy this instant!" Sheldon growled pointing in the other man's face, his Texan twang bubbling up.

Rubbing his tender nipple over his t-shirt Oswald relented with a pained laugh, "Okay, okay, ease up Sheldon. I was only joking. I wouldn't try anything funny with Amy—not after she told me that she loved you."

Sheldon's scowl softened at this but he remained stern, "You will inform Amy that you are unable assist her with our agreement. Tell her you are too busy with a big case or something."

After throwing back the remaining half of the shot, Oswald nodded. "Oh relax, I know what to write." Putting the glass down, he took his phone from Sheldon, quickly typed a message and sent it. Shoving the phone back into his pocket, he then attempted again to hand Sheldon the other shot of vodka.

Sheldon cocked his head, "I told you I don't drink. Alcohol leads to a impaired cognitive function and memory loss. It also tastes yucky."

Oswald nudged Sheldon with his elbow, "Just throw one back with me Dr. Cooper. You'll barely taste it if you toss it straight down your throat. This is expensive stuff, trust me, it's smooth. Let's have one toast to Amy."

Sheldon felt he couldn't refuse a toast to his girlfriend. She deserved every honor he could bestow on her. He reluctantly took the small glass with a furrowed brow, "Very well."

Oswald poured himself another shot, "You go first."

Sheldon nodded, "Alright." He paused, "To Amy Foxy Fowler—the hotsy totsy of Glendale!" He beamed before bracing himself as he quickly gulped down his shot with his eyes tightly screwed shut. "Ack!" He coughed.

Oswald raised his shot glass, "To Amy, your true love and my only friend." He chimed before tossing back his shot. He also coughed a little.

Sheldon stared at the floor, "You have two friends now Oswald." He muttered shyly, rolling the empty shot glass between his fingers.

Oswald smiled as his chest tightened with an emotion he hadn't felt in a long time, joy. _I have two friends now._

"Jeepers, that kind of feels good going down." The genius hummed at the warm sensation trickling into his stomach.

Oswald licked his lips as he poured himself a third, "Sheldon, I am going to attempt to say this in a way that you will understand."

In his best robotic professor tone Oswald continued while pouring Sheldon a second drink, "I think we should take this opportunity to incorporate some colorful new words into your already impressive vocabulary that will maximize your impact on Amy while expressing your physical desire. The vodka will help serve as a vocal enhancer."

Without coaxing, Sheldon surprisingly took the second shot with a thoughtful nod and tossed it back with relative ease, pounding his chest as he let out a small cough. His then face broke out into a wide wicked grin, "Does this mean it's time for my dirty talk lesson Ozzie?"

After a wink from his good eye Oswald threw back his third shot, "It sure does Shelly." Oswald confirmed.

Grabbing the bottle and pouring himself a third shot, Sheldon's cheeks were already a bright shade of pink. The genius let out nervous giggle, "Dirty. Dirty. Dirty."

To Oswald's own surprise, he found himself giggling stupidly with the man, "Who says Jeepers?"

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><p>Having piled her small and frayed collection of romance novels into a tight stack, Amy then tied them neatly together with twine. The next morning she planned to take them out as paper recycling along with her trash before heading to the lab.<p>

"You have been commendable supporters in my quest for fantasy and titillation, but as of tonight I will no longer be visiting your stimulating printed shores." She bid farewell to the stack as she placed it by her front door.

Amy then reached for her small plate of wheat toast with strawberry jam, not minding one bit that she didn't get her dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. Nibbling happily on a corner of her toast, Amy's text message alert went off.

_**OM: My calendar just freed up. Happy to assist in any way I can—no charge. Email me agreement for review and the three of us will meet up to discuss. Best, Oswald**_

Smiling to herself, Amy took another bite.

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><p><strong><em>Reviews are welcomed! LLTS!<em>**


	27. Sheldopedia

_**The Big Bang Theory and its characters were created by Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady. I do not to own, nor do I profit from TBBT or its characters. I also do not own the various other games, movies or TV shows I reference throughout my story. This is meant for entertainment purposes only.**_

_**This has not been beta read, so please forgive any typos on my part. **_

_**Chapter 27 "Sheldopedia"**_

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><p><em><strong>**Early Friday morning** <strong>_

_Deliciously breathless with her heart fluttering erratically, Amy opened her eyes slowly. The left side of her face practically burned from pressing her IPhone against the tender skin. She relaxed her grip; the fingers on her left hand had begun to cramp from tightly clutching the tiny device._

_"Amy, are you still there?" Sheldon's voice gasped out from her phone, bringing her back into her bedroom._

_With her eyeglasses askew and her long brown hair disheveled, she scooted up with one elbow, pushing herself into a sitting position on her bed._

_"Yes, I'm still here Sheldon," she finally spoke in a voice barely audible. "Well that certainly was an unexpected conversation."_

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><p><em><strong>**The previous Thursday evening in Oswald Montserrat's apartment** <strong>_

Oswald continued to heartily laugh, his own buzz kicking in as he clapped for Sheldon. He cheered on the usually teetotal theoretical physicist as he flung his third shot of vodka down, grimacing only slightly as the high proof alcohol worked its way down his throat.

The escort gave his pupil an impressed smile, "You are getting better at that. You took that last shot like a champ!"

"Of course I am getting better—I excel at everything I apply myself too." Sheldon boasted unapologetically. But then his glassy blue eyes suddenly went wide as he felt the chilled vodka hit his insides for the third time. The heat spread across his chest and abdomen like wildfire.

"Hot Darn!" he exclaimed while stomping his foot on the kitchen floor as if it were a hoof.

"You excel at everything huh?" Oswald teased as he watched Sheldon's leg flail involuntarily.

Straightening up, Sheldon puffed out like a proud peacock, "Indeed I do. If that mango could talk we both know it would congratulate me on my dexterous tongue maneuvering." Oswald's eyebrows rose in surprise as Sheldon extended his pink tongue and flicked it rapidly inside of his empty shot glass. "See? Four laps per second. I reckon your sonic screwdriver can't do that."

"I counted three." Oswald joked; Sheldon flashed him a scowl in response and blew him a loud raspberry, spraying him in his good eye. "Hey, watch it! Save that turbo tongue action for your girlfriend. That's where the real fun begins."

At Oswald's comment Sheldon blushed profusely, no longer bothered by the coolness of his damp clothes against his skin or his soggy socks. Instead he was thoroughly enjoying the sensation of his limbs feeling looser, almost wobbly as they prickled with warmth. He goofily studied the red mark on the back of his hand where his knuckles had landed on Oswald's face and noted that he no longer felt the dull throb of pain.

When sober, Sheldon believed he was his group's resident whimsical elf that others looked to for a good time. But with a few drinks in him and his stage fright gone, Sheldon felt like he could headline in Las Vegas. He visualized a single blue spotlight on him as he drove the packed house into fits of hysterical laughter with his comedic antics and then boisterous applause as he performed an encore of his piano rendition of "The Surrey with the Fringe on Top."

One of the happiest memories from his childhood was assisting Meemaw in her humble kitchen as she rolled out the dough for her homemade pies. They would sing along with her old recordings of "Oklahoma!" and "South Pacific" as they played on the mahogany Victrola she inherited from her own mother. Sometimes when he was certain that it was just the two of them, he would take hold of her rolling pin as if it were a microphone and perform just for her. His grandmother's favorite routine from her little headliner was when he'd croon along with Ezio Pinza as he belted out "Some Enchanted Evening".

After wiping her hands on her apron, Meemaw would always applaud and holler, "Bravo Moonpie! My grandson is as smart as a whip and has the voice of an angel." She beamed while pulling him into a warm hug which he would joyfully cave into.

Of course, the moment anyone else entered the room Sheldon would immediately modify his behavior. The gleeful smile would fade as he thoroughly washed the flour from the rolling pin off his hands. He would keep as silent and as still as possible, in order to avoid the tireless ridicule from his siblings, the unpredictable scorn of his father or the intolerable piousness from his mother.

But even when Sheldon would fall back into his habitual practice of quietly observing, watching from afar as Meemaw tied an apron around Missy's tiny waist or slapped George Jr.'s hand with the back of her wooden spoon as he reached for another blackberry, his grandmother always kept him in her line of sight, winking or blowing a kiss whenever their eyes met. She was sending him a message. Her Moonpie would never be left behind.

Although normally opposed to liquor and leery of its effects, Sheldon marveled at the instantaneous lowering of his inhibitions and how through the fuzz of inebriation, certain things became crystal clear.

At that moment, Sheldon realized there was yet another reason he loved Amy. She adored music, was a talented harpist and enjoyed their boyfriend/girlfriends sing-a-longs as much as he did. He once hated the sound of the harp, but now he couldn't hear one without thinking about his Amy and smiling—that siren had become the lyrics to his melody, the Laurie to his Curly and the Nellie to his Emile.

She would always be in his proverbial line of sight and he would never leave Amy behind.

"To my leading lady," Sheldon enthusiastically shouted as he reached for the bottle again, but Oswald beat him to it, "Whoa there Buddy. That's enough liquid courage for one night. I think three shots is your limit. This stuff isn't exactly water." He warned as he capped the bottle and slid it back into his stainless steel freezer.

Sheldon shook his head with an arrogant smirk, "I am afraid that you are incorrect _Buddy_. Vodka is water." Then he gave Oswald an exaggerated wink and clicked his teeth as though he was speaking some type of secret code only the two of them could understand.

Pushing the glass bowl of melting ice out of his way, Oswald hoisted himself easily onto his counter and let his bare feet dangle, squinting at his tipsy guest as he crossed his arms, "What are you yammering about?"

Sheldon was suddenly distracted by Oswald's simple maneuver. Normally he wouldn't approve of one placing their posterior on the same surface as where one would prepare a meal or a pie. It was simply unhygienic. But Oswald had made it look so effortless and relaxed that Sheldon found that he was tempted to heave himself up onto that counter as well.

Licking his bottom lip, he chose instead to awkwardly lean his hip against the tiled counter, crossing his arms in an attempt to mimic Oswald's cool demeanor, "The word vodka is a diminutive usage of the Slavic word_ voda_, which in English can be interpreted as little water."

"How interesting … "Oswald groaned sarcastically, "…but you're still not getting a fourth shot lightweight. Alcohol is meant to be responsibly enjoyed, not abused." He said sternly.

"Well, I must say I find that to be unexpectedly conservative for a man who gets paid to do…," Sheldon looked around the apartment and then lowered his voice to a harsh whisper, "… the dance with no pants, tickle with his pickle and snake the lady drain."

Shaking his head with a groan, Oswald pinched the bridge of his sore nose, "Sheldon, where in the hell did you learn those expressions?"

"I overhear them quite frequently at work, especially from that mouth breather Barry Kripke. Some time ago, when I attended a dear acquaintance's bachelor party, he was positively teeming with vulgarity." He explained. "That lady drain one sounded especially dirty to me. " He added, scrunching his nose up in disgust.

Oswald placed a gentle hand on Sheldon's shoulder. To Oswald's surprise the tipsy genius didn't flinch at the contact, "That's not the kind of dirty talk I meant Sheldon. Expressions like Barry's are crass, juvenile and will not get a woman to …"

"Froth at the gash?" Sheldon asked, followed by a loud hiccup.

Oswald's bruised face contorted into a horrorstruck stare, "Ugh! That is just disgusting! Do not repeat anything that pig Barry says ever, especially to Amy. You got that?"

Sheldon nodded vehemently with wide innocent eyes, he wasn't exactly sure what he just said but based on Oswald's reaction he had used it in the correct context. He sighed thoughtfully, "Doggone it, you're right of course, Barry can barely walk and chew gum at the same time. He probably doesn't know the first thing about erotolalia."

Oswald's head cocked with a questioning smirk, "Eroto_what?" _

The drunken genius's eyes narrowed, "Erotolalia, otherwise known as dirty talk, is the practice of using sensual or explicit word imagery to heighten sexual pleasure. This may include erotic descriptions, commands and rude words. It may be performed in person, spoken over a telephone, or texted."

Blinking out of his lecture, he then frowned at his tutor, "You of all people should know this. Aren't you supposed to be the sexpert?" He then snorted, "Did you notice my clever play on words just now?"

"I noticed, very clever." He confirmed flatly, quickly adding, "I wasn't aware that there was a technical word for it." Oswald confessed with an amazed grin. "Thank you Sheldopedia. That's quite a brain you've got there."

Smiling, Sheldon bounced on his toes, "You are quite welcome Ozzie. You know, sometimes I even surprise myself with the remarkable wealth of knowledge that is stored in my head."

Rolling his eyes, Oswald hopped off the counter, "Good for you Mr. Beautiful Mind, but for now let's focus on that head." He quipped while pointing to the sexual novice's crotch. Looking down at where Oswald was pointing, Sheldon's face grew beet red. Chuckling, Oswald grabbed the glass bowl and brought it to the sink. "See? You're not the only one who can play with words smart ass."

"Apparently." the physicist grumbled, followed by him childishly sticking his tongue out in the direction of his instructor. Sheldon instantly gasped as Oswald retaliated with a smile and an extended his middle finger. Taking a moment to process the crude signal, Sheldon astonishingly burst out into a flood of giggles.

Laughing together, the pair walked back towards the living area. As they plopped down onto Oswald's sofa, the gigolo glanced at the dirty talk rookie inquisitively, "So Shelly, what parts of Amy are you most drawn too?"

Sheldon thought for moment, "Well I am quite fond of how her mind works. Although not a physicist, she has an impressive grasp on quantum mechanics and stellar evolution."

"No, what parts of Amy's _body_ are you the most drawn too?" Oswald rephrased the question with a sigh.

There was another pause, "Oh, well then my answer is her brain."

Oswald sucked his teeth, he was beginning to lose patience with his student, "Sheldon, you can't fondle Amy's brain."

"Dag nab it, I knew what you meant!" Sheldon snapped, "You didn't let me explain." Taking a deep breath, he continued, "Sometimes she and I stumble into these impassioned debates about neuroanatomical symmetry, the corpuscular theory of light or what goes better on a Ritz cracker and she can be simply impossible! She won't relent nor will she budge an inch. She will continue to contend with me, establishing valid point after valid point. It's so frustrating and so … _exciting_. Amy knows exactly how to stimulate my intellect."

A low growl suddenly erupted from Sheldon's throat as he ran his long fingers through his hair, mussing it unintentionally. The thin discoloring from his five o' clock shadow was now apparent on his chin and below his sideburns, "And as of late, she has also managed to simultaneously arouse my biological urges as well."

Oswald raised an eyebrow at the good doctor's growl as he slowly began to comprehend what Sheldon seemed to be grasping at, "She drives you crazy huh? Those pretty green eyes challenging you, daring you …" He coaxed, hoping to pry something he could work with out of the virgin genius. "I bet you wish you could just put her in her place. Make her submit …"

"Yes!" Sheldon hissed, "Over these last few days there have been instances when I find myself so equally exasperated and enraptured that I just want to … do _things._" His voice drifted off as he avoided eye contact.

"Do _things_? Things like … kiss her?" Oswald asked cautiously, attempting to gage his reaction.

Sheldon stood up abruptly and began to pace Oswald's the length of the apartment. "Yes, among other things …" He muttered as he began to picture the various ways wanted to handle Amy's tantalizing tenacity.

Crossing his legs, the male prostitute looked surprisingly like a therapist assessing his patient. "Can you remember one of these instances?"

"I have an eidetic memory, I can remember everything." He scoffed as he continued to pace, but he suddenly halted and swallowed hard. "That woman—do you know that tonight in her car she had the audacity to insinuate that I removed her bra because I wanted to gawk at her supple breasts." He licked his lips, "When I had already insisted that I merely wanted her to be comfortable …"

"That, AND you wanted to see her breasts." Oswald interrupted, "Amy called you out on your bullshit, but you secretly like that don't you? She is clever, isn't she Sheldon? So clever and so shrewd …"

Sheldon's face softened as his mouth curled into a dreamy smile, "Yes."

"So what else is she Sheldon? What is vixen doing to you?" His tutor asked teasingly, poking the fire of his student's desire, hoping the high-priced vodka would do its job.

Sheldon closed his eyes and placed his hand on his chest, right over his heart. "Her campaign to increase my feelings for her was indeed successful and now I find myself wanting to act on them in the most inappropriate ways …" With a groan he dropped his face into his hands, "…sometimes when we are alone … I wonder what it would feel like to hold her against me ...in the dark… my arms around her waist … moving my hands down to her rear …" He muffled his confession into his palms. "… and I want …"

"What do you want? You can tell me, I've heard it all." Oswald said encouragingly.

Sheldon's blue eyes poked out from between his long fingers, "Before Amy, the mere idea of emotions based on some primitive romantic attachment turned my stomach. Coitus was for the debased and mediocre masses. I wanted nothing to do with it. The contact, the mess … it still unnerves me". He dropped his hands, sighing, "But now all I can think of when we are together is Amy touching me … everywhere … especially _there_."

Oswald blinked, "Where?"

Sheldon tilted his head down with round eyes, "There of course!"

Nodding in understanding, the sexpert smirked, "Oh right, _there_. Well, dip into that vocabulary Sheldopedia. _How _do you want her to touch you there?"

The genius's eyebrows came together, "I don't understand the question."

"Do you want her to be gentle or greedy and aggressive with it?" Oswald asked calmly.

His eyebrows furrowed even deeper, "It?"

Oswald pointed again to Sheldon's groin. "There!"

"Oh right, _there_. I suppose a little of both." Sheldon admitted, interlacing his fingers and rolling his thumbs around each other.

Clearing his throat, Oswald attempted to guide Sheldon. "Alright, then let's try this. Sheldon, repeat after me: _Amy, the thought of your soft hand stroking my hard shaft really turns me on._" He said with a moaning grunt as if in the throes of passion.

Sheldon stood motionless, his face still and unreadable.

"Sheldon?"

"…"

"Sheldon!"

The physicist's eye ticked twice.

"Speak up!" Oswald commanded forcefully.

Blinking rapidly the frozen genius came alive again. "Amy … the thought … of your s...s…soft hand s…stroking …" He stammered in a meek, monotone voice before he suddenly announced, "Oswald, I am clearly too evolved for erotolalia!"

With an exasperated huff Oswald nodded, "Okay, okay … how about we make a list of the suggestive words you are comfortable saying to Amy? He attempted to compromise with his student. Sheldon was beginning to grate his nerves.

Sheldon crossed his arms, he felt vulnerable and out of his depth. "It's times like this where a white board comes in handy."

Oswald perked up, "I actually happen to have one of those. I have a client that really likes it when I …"

"Then what are you waiting for, go get it!" Sheldon ordered with a snap of his fingers. "If … I mean _when_ I attempt this I don't want to go off half-cocked."

Oswald's face lit up at the expression as he stood, "Half-cocked?"

"It means to speak or act impulsively without proper preparation." Sheldon explained matter-of-factly.

Oswald threw his head back and laughed loudly as he headed to towards the back of his apartment, sliding open two wide mirrored doors apart, revealing an amazingly vast walk-in closet. "Sheldopedia strikes again!" He chortled.

Sheldon followed, his glassy eyes scanning the various articles of clothing. He noted that Oswald's closet was bigger than his and Leonard's bedrooms combined. "And exactly what is so amusing about that?" He asked his eyes falling on a series of silver hooks lined up against the wall. He noted the large collection of neckties and leather belts.

Still chuckling, Oswald yanked out a modest collapsible white board from behind a small wall of shelves dedicated to his various leather shoes. "I was thinking that once you've heard Amy orgasm while screaming your name, the last thing you'll be is half-cocked."

Distracted and half-listening, Sheldon reached for a short brown leather riding crop that caught his drunken attention as it hung on one of the silver hooks, a Vulcan eyebrow slid up, "Fascinating."

Carrying the board past Sheldon and into the living room, Oswald barked over his shoulder, "Put it back! That is not for you!"

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><p><strong><strong>Reviews are welcomed. Long Live the Shamy! <strong>**


	28. The Constant and the Variable

_**The Big Bang Theory and its characters were created by Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady. I do not to own, nor do I profit from TBBT or its characters. I also do not own the various other games, movies or TV shows I reference throughout my story. This is meant for entertainment purposes only.**_

_**This has not been beta read, so please forgive any typos on my part. **_

**Chapter 28 "The Constant and the Variable" (rated MA)**

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><p>Sheldon's eyes struggled to open as his alarm clock went off. His body was stiff from sleeping in the same position all night. Stretching himself out with a loud yawn, he shut off the alarm with one hand and rubbed the whiskers on his chin with the other. His sleep cycle had been deep and dreamless. He supposed it had been due to the previous long day filled with unforseen shenanigans.<p>

_Good Lord! The mango lesson, the debacle at the Cheesecake factory, the conversation with Amy in her car, getting caught in the rain, giving Oswald a black eye, three shots of vodka, the impromptu erotolalia lesson and finally getting tossed into a taxi and sent home—all in less than seven hours._

"My life is turning into a bizarrely scripted situation comedy." He sighed aloud as he stared up at his ceiling. Squirming in his bed, he craned his neck up as he threw back the covers. He was taken aback by the sight of his bare chest. His pajama shirt was wide open and slipping off one of his shoulders.

After returning to an empty apartment, due to Leonard bunking with Penny at her dwelling, he recalled removing the day's clothes while in his bedroom and lazily folding them inside out for his Saturday night laundry. Utterly exhausted and still a little drunk, he had haphazardly threw on his Thursday night pajamas. Sheldon hadn't bothered with his evening shower, an undershirt or even buttoning up.

Rolling over, Sheldon felt something rough scratching his side. Tucking his hand underneath himself, he yanked out a rumpled piece of paper and instantly recognized the handwriting as his own. He had taken notes while Oswald drew up a list of Sheldon-friendly "blue" language and scenarios on his white board.

Crawling to the foot of his bed, Sheldon reached for the strap of his canvas bag on the floor, dragging it over and lifting it onto the covers. Sitting up, he then reached into the outside pocket and groggily felt around for his cell phone. Pulling the gadget out, he noticed he already had one text message sent moments before he woke up—from Amy.

**_AFF: I know it isn't customary for us to communicate this early in the day, but I had the overwhelming impulse to wish you a good morning. Additionally, I also wanted to check on whether you are still interested in proceeding with what was discussed last night._**

It was then Sheldon was suddenly aware of his morning erection or as his comrades referred to it, "morning wood". He blinked; he just understood why Rajesh and Howard were laughing like buffoons while they played "The Settlers of Catan" months ago.

"Jerks," he muttered.

Sheldon chewed his lip as he stared at the text. Attempting to engage Amy in erotolalia first thing in the morning was chancy and could potentially throw his whole Friday schedule out of balance. However, it was the ideal first sexual encounter for them in Sheldon's opinion. There would be no exchange of saliva or bodily fluids yet, but Amy would know of his yearning for her.

Still, he wasn't sure he could bring himself to vocalize what he fantasied about with Amy—but he loved her and not wanting to lose her, Homo Novus was determined to try.

_No time like the present Cooper._

Scrolling for her name in his phone, he tapped the green "dial" and waited. Amy answered precisely after the third ring—she knew him so well. "Hello Sheldon. I didn't expect you to call." Her voice rang out happily, "This is a pleasant surprise."

"Amy, where are you?" He asked, trying to keep his voice even and calm as his stomach churned with uncertainty.

"In my apartment of course, I am in the middle of collecting my latest research notes for a presentation today. We can only speak for a few minutes; I really must get into the shower soon." She informed him courteously.

"No, you need to sit down." He commanded softly.

"Social protocol dictates that when one is told to sit during a telephone conversation, they are about to receive disagreeable news and other party does not wish for the receiver of said news to hurt themselves, lest they faint. Do you have disagreeable news to divulge Sheldon, perhaps in response to my earlier text?" Sheldon noticed his girlfriend's voice cracked a bit at that last question.

"Sit down Dr. Fowler." He reiterated his order with a firmer tone, bringing his knees closer to his chest.

_Breathe Cooper. _

There was a pause on the other end before she spoke again, "Alright, I am seated on my bed Sheldon. Now what's this about?"

"Dr. Cooper." He insisted.

There was another pause, "Fine. I am seated _Dr. Cooper_." She responded flatly. With his free hand, Sheldon nervously alternated between squeezing his shin and balling up the fabric of his pajama bottoms in his palm. He swallowed hard in an attempt to hold in the dread that nestled in his chest. He needed to do this; he was _going_ to do this.

_I excel at everything. _

"Last night you informed me, in regards to our potential sexual relationship, that you would do anything I wanted and everything you could imagine, did you not Dr. Fowler?" He asked, hoping that she did not hear the quiver in his throat.

"Yes, I do recall that." She confirmed. Sheldon noted the slight change in her voice; it was deeper than before with a hint of curiosity.

Sheldon dropped his own voice the way Oswald had taught him to, speaking low and with purpose, "Your statement, though affecting, was ambiguous and I desire clarification."

Amy inhaled sharply; she was beginning to catch wise as to what was happening. "You desire clarification at this very moment?"

The genius felt his lips curl into a smirk, "I desire you at this very moment."

Sheldon's startlingly bold statement caused Amy to produce a soft Owl-like sound on the other end of the line. His smirk widened—he was on the right track.

He pushed himself to continue as his voice grew husky, "My dear Dr. Fowler, I don't like to be kept waiting."

Listening to her breathe softly, he could tell Amy was contemplating his request.

"Very well Dr. Cooper. If it is clarification you desire, then it is clarification you will receive." She purred into his tingling ear.

Hearing this, a warm rush of delightful sensations flooded his nervous system. Never in Sheldon Cooper's wildest dreams could he have foreseen attempting erotolalia, not even after he became aware of his physical desire for Amy Farrah Fowler.

Part of him, namely his chaste Vulcan logic, considered stopping right then and there. He could simply change the subject and pretend he called for some mundane and platonic purpose.

However, the wheels were already in motion and he didn't want them to stop. Sheldon Cooper would see this through to the end, _her_ end.

"Then let us begin with the first half of your statement, shall we? Are you truly willing do anything I want?" He questioned while his heart, previously beating with jittery thumps had begun to pound fiercely, like some ancient tribal drum used to summon King Kong.

"I am indeed willing." She responded rather quickly.

What he about to do went against everything he had grown up believing he life would be. It went against his steadfast idea of who Dr. Sheldon Cooper was. A man free of the burden of useless emotions and attachments, dedicated to science and science alone. His life was to be spent peeling away the layers of the universe, exposing its secrets.

But in this heated moment, with his perfect counterpart breathing in his ear, all he could envision was peeling away the layers of clothing off her body while encouraging her to expose all of her carnal secrets to him. Sheldon once read that love was merely friendship set on fire. If that were so, then Amy and he were sitting on a powderkeg, playing with matches.

Sheldon could sense Amy's growing anticipation and although his nervousness was still prevalent, it wasn't as intense as it had been a moment before. His fear of the unknown was slowly melting with each word she uttered. Allowing himself to stretch out, Sheldon's head sank back into his fluffy hypoallergenic pillow. His placed his free hand on his center of his bare chest in an effort to keep himself from hyperventilating.

"Are you quite comfortable?" He inquired.

"Yes, I am now comfortably reclined on my bed." She responded anxiously.

His jaw tensed, "Excellent. Now, first things first, what are you wearing?"

"Sheldon, not to put a damper on this titillating turn of events, but isn't that line a bit of an old chestnut?"

_She-devil. _She was challenging him again and he instantly thought of her sparkling green eyes. Sheldon's head lolled to one side as he licked his bottom lip. "I want to create a visual of you in my mind's eye and I would like it to be as accurate as possible. So, I repeat, what are you wearing at this moment Dr. Fowler? A direct question deserves a direct answer."

"Oh, I see. Well, in that case I am wearing my red plaid pajamas and white cotton ankle socks … and my eyeglasses, of course." She replied.

"What about underwear?" He added inquisitively, but he heard own his voice lose it's grit. Sheldon needed to use the tone that Oswald referred to as "the boss" or this endeavor would fall flat.

"Describe your panties." He commanded with his newly acquired bass.

Amy tittered, "I am … I am wearing pink panties with black polka dots, they are cotton. I suppose you could call the shade Pepto pink."

Sheldon smiled, it made him think of the rooftop scene in the first Superman movie from 1978. When Lois Lane attempted to challenge Superman's X-ray vision by asking that he name the color of her underwear—which he did. They were pink. He was tempted to share this anecdote with Amy, but wisely decided against it considering the point of their current conversation.

Sheldon drew a long breath into his lungs; so far they had been wading in the shallow end. It was time for deeper, bluer waters.

"I want you to pull your bottoms down your legs, to your knees …" He swallowed, "... and leave your panties on."

"Sheldon …" Her voice wavered, "… are you sure?"

"Anything I want, remember? Now pull them down. Doctor's orders." He growled.

Sheldon's command was rewarded with a louder, strained "Hoo" from his girlfriend. The sounds that followed were so similar to when she removed her tights in the backset the night before. There was more movement and gentle little grunts while fabric slid against fabric.

"Now you," she demanded silkily.

Sheldon raised an eyebrow. _Must this woman always push back? Pushing my buttons? Pushing my boundaries?_

His aching erection twitched in his briefs in response to all of his internal questions.

"I believe we are discussing what I want." He said firmly, but with an amused smile.

"Dr. Cooper my statement was two-fold. Anything you want and everything I could imagine. Well, at this moment I am imagining you with your pants down. Comply." Amy ordered with new authoritative tone, despite the fact that her throat was tight while her pulse had begun to race.

He paused; Sheldon hadn't expected to pleasure himself during this interaction. That's what his newly developed morning shower masturbatory sessions were for. His only intention for this call had been to tease her with his words, spiraling Amy's arousal up until she shuddered in release.

Sheldon glanced down at himself; his body was certainly prepared for it. But the environment was not ideal. He considered asking her to hold while he quickly fetched a towel and several wet-naps from his bathroom. _And perhaps I could locate a suitable lubricant?_

"Sheldon, are you alright?" Amy's voice asked cautiously, apparently the long pause had caused her worry. A surge of determination ran up Sheldon's backbone, he refused to disappoint her. He would concern himself with the mess later.

Sheldon couldn't stop this now, not when there was a game of wills afoot. Quickly tapping his phone one-handed, he placed her on speakerphone.

"I am removing my pants, as requested Doctor." He informed her boldly. Flat on his back, he lifted his hips up and tugged down the flannel just below the waistband. Raising his knees up to his chest, he yanked one leg off followed by the other. Sheldon then sloppily folded them inside out and roughly chucked them in the general direction his hamper. _Thank goodness tomorrow is laundry night_, he thought.

"Now we are evenly matched." He sighed as he kept his knees slightly bent, with his soles of his bare feet planted firmly on his mattress. Sheldon imagined he was quite a sight to behold. Unshaven with mussed hair, his bedding tossed every which way while he sprawled out across his bed in just his open pajama shirt and white briefs, his thick erection straining against the material.

"Please take me off speakerphone, there is an echo." He heard her ask. Sheldon frowned, now that he was joining her in self-pleasuring, he had expected both his hands to be free like they were in the shower.

Through experimentation, Sheldon discovered that he thoroughly enjoyed allowing his free hand to roam when he expertly worked his sensitive member, secretly dubbing his right hand "the constant" and his left hand "the variable." In some instances his free hand would caress his chest, squeezing his pectorals while pinching his stiff nipples once or twice for added stimulation.

Removing her from speakerphone, he held the phone to his face and carefully dipped his right hand beneath the front slit his briefs. He shivered as he slowly gripped the base of his shaft and held it there.

Sheldon lightly cleared his throat, "Have you ever … I mean, do you pleasure yourself Amy?"

Amy echoed him, clearing her own throat, "I have engaged in tension-relieving activities sporadically. It's only been these last two years where the frequency of these occasions has increased and I would no longer categorize it as tension relief."

"And what was the origin of this sudden increase?" He asked but he suspected he already knew the answer.

She sighed deeply, letting out the tiniest moan with it. At the sound Sheldon slowly pulled his pulsing erection through the hole in the cotton. He was hot in his hand and the engorged velvety head had already begun to weep tiny pearls in reaction to his growing arousal.

"You are the cause." She answered, "I think about you every time I do it now Sheldon. It's your smile, your voice, your hands … your ..." She broke off, he could tell she was struggling to say something.

His hand squeezed and he stifled small groan. Sheldon pondered on how to proceed; he allowed Oswald's advice to filter through.

_Guide her, encourage her, surprise her … take the lead. _

"Amy, I think about you too when I do it …" He admitted bravely, "…whenever I touch myself that is."

She hummed in surprise, "I didn't think you did that—ever."

"I didn't. But now I do and I have gotten quite good at it." He boasted as he glanced back down, "You'll be happy to know that everything is fully functioning and aesthetically pleasing." He stated as his hand slid up his length as it pointed straight up at him. He let his index finger run over the top, smearing the pearlized droplets across the head.

He audibly groaned this time, "Especially when I am hard."

Amy sucked in with a little gasp, "Oh … my God … I can't believe this is actually happening…"

Sheldon snickered, he couldn't help it. Her shocked reaction excited him and drove him forward, "Believe it Amy. I am fully erect as we speak and as hard as granite."

"Oh Sheldon, I wish you were here…" She lamented with a whimpering moan.

"Pretend I am; let's make-believe like when we play Starfleet Doctor. I am there, I am with you Amy. Try to imagine me there." He coaxed, "Imagine I am ... kissing you."

"Yes, kiss me Sheldon …kiss me ..." She cooed sweetly, "… just the thought of you kissing me makes me … so hot ...," She lowered her voice, softly adding "…and wet."

It was Sheldon's turn to gasp, "Are you … are you ...wet now?"

"Incredibly so."

Sheldon's hand was suddenly possessed by an unknown force as he began to stroke.

His girlfriend then mewed happily causing his eyes to widen in realization; "You're touching yourself aren't you Amy? Oh God, you're pleasuring yourself while thinking about me?" He asked as his breath hitched in his throat and his skin prickled with gooseflesh.

"That I am …"she groaned louder, "I am using my hand, pretending that it is your hand Sheldon … slowly at first … with just the tips of my fingers ...your fingers..."

Sheldon could feel his scrotum swell further, pulling his testes closer to his body at sound of her soft gasps and moans.

"...Oh...you have such beautiful hands, I think about them all the time. You are circling faster now. Yes … yes ...your fingers feel so ... so ... fucking amazing … your hands really are magic … please make me come Dr. Cooper … make me come ..." She hoarsely exclaimed in a harsh whisper.

Sheldon puffed out in shock and almost dropped the phone at the unexpected language coming from his brilliant girlfriend's surprisingly dirty mouth. His chest heaved as his forehead broke out into a sweat. Sheldon was baffled as to why the vulgarity didn't offend him, in fact, he was utterly electrified by it.

He tried to regain his composure in order to steer the conversation, "And you are touching me Amy, your hand is moving up and down my …." His bit his lip hard and groaned in frustration. All the medical and technical words were wrong here, they just didn't fit. But Sheldon still struggled with the salty language as the words halted in his throat.

"Yes baby … don't stop now …don't stop … keep going." She begged huskily.

Adoring the word '_baby'_ on her lips, his hips began to buck up into his clenched fist, his fingers slick with his dribbling pre-ejaculate. Amy's breathing was coming in faster huffs and her moans were steadily getting louder in his ear—the reverberations shooting straight down his spine and jutting out throughout his limbs.

"Oh Lord ... Amy … I don't want this to end yet." Sheldon whimpered as he felt his orgasm near. He was too close and needed to slow down, sensing that wonderful aching tension pool in his convulsing lower abdomen.

"Visualize this," She snickered evilly, "I am caressing you recklessly—my is hand moving fast as I jerk you hard. I am showing you no mercy as we stare into each other's eyes. I won't stop and I won't slow down." Amy then growled like a feral cat.

_Oh boy, do I like the sound of that?_ He smiled broadly. _Yes I do!_

"You are rather adept at this Amy. Your grasp on dirty talk …" He moaned, "…and your pretend grasp on me is ... outstanding." He complimented her with a pant, his hand continued to slide over his sensitive firm flesh.

"Of course Baby, I excel at everything. Now let's hear you moan my name again." She commanded.

It dawned on him that the tables had completely turned. As much as he enjoyed Amy's vocal domination, he wanted to be the Captain now. He was the boss. Sheldon steeled himself and tried to think of the naughtiest thing he could bring himself to say to regain his foothold.

Licking his lips, he stilled his right hand and focused on his breathing. A wide evil smile spread across his face as he held the phone to his cheek.

"I am removing my hand from you Amy," he said in a low voice. "I have stopped touching you."

Sounding pained, Amy whined, "What? Why? Damn it Sheldon, let's not stop now …I was so close."

He cut her off forcefully, "I am stopping because I will be replacing my skillful fingers with my equally skillful tongue. Now shut up and rub one out while Dr. Cooper tells you how he is going to go to town on that soft kitty of yours."

There was a loud shocked gasp followed by pause. He tensed and wondered if perhaps he went too far.

Suddenly Amy laughed joyfully, "Dr. Sheldon Cooper for the win!"

Arching his neck back against the pillow, Dr. Cooper sniggered smugly, savoring his victory as he began to slowly stroke himself again.

Finally, he had gotten the stubborn Dr. Fowler to concede to something.

* * *

><p>Deliciously breathless with her heart fluttering erratically, Amy opened her eyes slowly. The left side of her face practically burned from pressing her IPhone against the tender skin. She relaxed her grip; the fingers on her left hand had begun to cramp from tightly clutching the tiny device.<p>

"Amy, are you still there?" Sheldon's voice gasped out from her phone, bringing her back into her bedroom.

With her eyeglasses askew and her long brown hair disheveled, she scooted up with one elbow, pushing herself into a sitting position on her bed.

"Yes, I'm still here Sheldon," she finally spoke in a voice barely audible. "Well that certainly was an unexpected conversation."

Biting her quivering bottom lip, Amy gingerly slid the fingers of her other hand out from underneath the waistband of her panties. Her nervous system now pulsing with hypersensitivity, the gentle movement triggered a small aftershock to roll through her.

She heard Sheldon deeply pant on the other end of the line, "Did you achieve … did you come?"

"I did indeed Dr. Cooper." She confirmed with an shuddering exhale as she awkwardly brought her knees together, pulling her pajama bottoms up her tingling thighs with one hand. "Did you?"

"I did indeed Dr. Fowler." His voice confessed with a cross between a drawn out moan and a throaty chuckle.

The pair grew quiet as they each regained control of their breathing after their telephonic tryst, but their connection continued to crackle and hum through the silence as though they were lying next to each other.

"Amy, I find myself in a bit of a sticky situation …" She heard Sheldon say with a disturbed groan.

"What seems to be the problem? Perhaps I can assist?" She offered sweetly.

"No, I mean I am quite literally facing a sticky situation and I require a shower immediately." He informed her, his voice returning to his normal neurotic tone.

"Oh …" She tried not to giggle at the instant mental image vision of a heavy breathing Sheldon uncomfortably holding his sticky hand away from himself. "Of course, I understand completely. By all means, do what you must."

"Thank you Amy. Also just a friendly reminder, that this evening is vintage game night and Chinese food. We were originally going to play the Nintendo classic "Duck Hunt", but I've decided instead that we will be playing 1987's "Mike Tyson's Punch Out". It promises to be quite an event and something tells me I am finally going to TKO Iron Mike. Will you be joining us?"

Amy shook her head with a smile. _Now he is conversing about video games and take-out._ "We'll see …" She answered coyly, "Good day Sheldon. Perhaps we can do this again, in the flesh, as it were?"

Sheldon let out another sexy chuckle, "Perhaps, after revisions are established within the agreement. Good day Amy."

Disconnecting the call, her hooded eyes moved around her bedroom in wonderment. Everything was the same; everything was in its proper place. The earth hadn't suddenly slipped of its axis, but Amy felt herself slipping off the edge of it anyway, falling into a world of joy that overwhelmed her senses and terrified her all at once.

The evening before Sheldon had confessed to wanting a physical relationship, but part of her wasn't sure he could would or could go through with it. They would have to contend with Sheldon's mysophobia and his occasional hypochondriasis. She suspected that even with the agreement renegotiations, it would be an uphill battle to reach the coital promise land. But now that she had heard the erotic sounds of Sheldon's desire from his own delectable lips, albeit via telephone, she was prepared to pit the might of their love against all of his fears to reach that summit. Amy's grin spread from ear to ear. A sexual relationship with Sheldon, the man she loved with every part of herself, no longer felt like an unattainable dream.

Her body still feeling as if it were floating, Amy glimpsed down at her right hand with disbelief. The pads of her fingertips were glossy and the skin had slightly pruned. It was empirical evidence—the so-called asexual physicist and the sexually frustrated neurobiologist just had successfully engaged in erotolalia.

"Maybe I'll ship Gerard off to go live with Beverly Hofstadter." She joked aloud as she sashayed to her bathroom in order to thoroughly shower and prepare her Friday workday.

* * *

><p><em><strong>LLTS!<strong>_


	29. Assume the Position

_**The Big Bang Theory and its characters were created by Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady. I do not to own, nor do I profit from TBBT or its characters. I also do not own the various other games, movies or TV shows I reference throughout my story. This is meant for entertainment purposes only.**_

_**This has not been beta read, so please forgive any typos on my part. **_

_**C****hapter 29 "Assume the Position" **_

* * *

><p>"I'm getting really tired of your bullshit!" Spat a frustrated Dr. Alfonso to a rabbit as he sat defiantly in his cage. "You never try to bite Amy when she feeds you. But I get within a foot of your space and you go all chupacabra on me!" She hollered while glaring at her tiny red-eyed enemy as she screwed his food pellet dispenser shut.<p>

The adorable chocolate brown bunny named Pierre merely twitched his nose in response, his playful whiskers mocking her.

Amy's head snapped up from her laptop situated on the central countertop in their laboratory. She spun around on her narrow stool to face her perturbed colleague, but then again when was Atabey not perturbed. _Perhaps she would benefit from a "Gerard" of her own? _She mused.

"You do realize that you are shouting obscenities at a rabbit?" Amy queried as she smoothed out her lab coat. She then observed with both concern and mild amusement as the other neurobiologist attempted to carefully attach the dispenser without incurring the wrath of the fuzz ball.

Within seconds, Atabey yanked her gloved hand away in pain. "Ouch! That hurt, you little bastard!" She yelped and then pointed to the creature. "That _thing_ is not a rabbit. It is a demon spawned from the bowels of rodent hell." She hissed as she quickly shed her latex glove to examine her finger.

"Pierre has just been acting out due to anxiety. He will eventually become docile again once he settles into his new routine and becomes accustomed to Marie." Amy said brightly.

The two women glanced back into the cage at the white rabbit sipping gently from the water dispenser. Pierre, a confirmed bachelor had always had a cage to himself. It was "suggested" by the board of directors that Marie, a female, be added in order to note changes in Pierre's behavior. The ultimate goal being to monitor his brain wave patterns once they became mates—but so far the experiment looked bleak. After two months the brown rabbit hadn't even sniffed at Marie. Apparently, he was not thrilled about the latest addition to his dwelling and was taking his frustrations out on the fingers of Amy's colleague.

Atabey sighed, "Well, at least he didn't break the skin this time." Her eyes burned into the cage at Pierre, "But you bite me one more time and I will skin you, eat you and turn your pelt into throw pillow. Do we understand each other?"

Amy shook her head; she didn't understand why Atabey insisted on talking to Pierre as though he could comprehend what she was saying. But then again, she remembered having many a late night squabble with Ricky about his compulsory habit of putting out his used cigarette butts in her shoes, so who was she to judge?

"I don't know Amy. That glorified rat seems pretty set in his ways. Just because he's got the parts doesn't mean he's going to use them." Atabey sighed while removing her other glove, tossing it into the medical waste bin, "I think Marie is in for whole lot of nothing." She added glumly.

Growing quiet, Amy turned to face her laptop again. She felt a small bud of uneasiness bloom in her chest. _She's talking about the rabbits Fowler. _

Atabey then pulled up the stool next to Amy's. "I have been meaning to congratulate you on that phenomenal presentation today. Thanks to you we may actually get some new funding." She smiled warmly while climbing onto the stool.

Amy returned her smile, "Well, I can't take all the credit. Try as you might, one simply does not argue with jackal urine."

Atabey nodded, "No, I suppose one can't …" Her large brown eyes closed in on Amy, "… nevertheless, you were so confident and you had this lovely glow about you. It makes one wonder, have you been getting vitamin "O" injections? Or perhaps you've increased your daily intake of protein? " She asked with a Cheshire cat-like grin.

Quickly catching the insinuation, thanks to Penny's mentoring, Amy avoided her co-worker's gaze as she bolted off her stool and removed her lab coat in a few quick movements. "Hey, would you look at that, it is past 5:00 o'clock. Quitting time! TGIF, am I right?" She sang out fretfully as she reached up for her purse, throwing it over her shoulder.

Atabey hurriedly jumped off her own stool and blocked the door, "Oh no you don't! You ducked me once, now you are going to talk Dr. Fowler. I want details! Dirty, filthy, graphic details! Did you and the genius finally hump like …" She gestured towards the cage with her chin, "… bunnies?"

Straightening up, Amy gave her a stern look, "Really Dr. Alfonso, I am surprised at you. We are adults as well as professionals. My personal life is not a topic for discussion in the work place, especially the topic you are not-so-subtlety hinting at."

Smirking, Atabey moved away from the door. "Based on that riveting speech regarding workplace etiquette, I am going to assume the position that means still no nookie from your cookie, shall I?"

Amy scowled at the woman and Atabey threw her hands up in apology. "Okay, I'm sorry, you're right. It is none of my business what others do or don't do behind closed doors." She said shrugging off her own lab coat, "I suppose I'm just bitter. My personal life has been a disaster lately. I was hoping for a juicy tale of conquest to vicariously live through." Tossing her lab coat over her stool, Atabey continued to mope, "These days, the only male that wants to nibble on me is Pierre."

Opening the door Amy sighed as she watched her crestfallen colleague return to the cage, "There has been no nibbling." She informed her, relenting to Atabey's request, "Just one instance of erotolalia. The experience was unexpected but very satisfying. However, I am hopeful for the future attempts face to face ... or face to _whatever_." She added with a wink before heading out the door and leaving her co-worker alone in the lab.

Scratching her head, Atabey looked back over to the platonic pair of bunnies and crouched down so that she was eye-level with the cage. Her face scrunched into a confused pout as she stroked Marie behind the ear with a single finger, "Erotowhat?"

As Amy walked down the hallway she heard Atabey's voice screech out behind her, "Ouch! You little bitch!"

* * *

><p>Sheldon smiled to himself as he efficiently arranged the usual post-dinner spread for Friday's vintage game night on the kitchen island. It was a colorful array of sugary candies, salty snacks and finally his trusty 6x9 inch steno notebook with three freshly sharpened No. 2 pencils to keep an accurate log of the scoring. Each entry noted the date, the game, the players and their scores. Leonard was the only one who knew that Sheldon kept all the previously filled notebooks in shoebox beneath his bed. Under the roommate agreement, Leonard was also the only designated proxy scorekeeper if ever Sheldon was forced to step away or miss a night-which wasn't very likely.<p>

Humming the opening theme from Superman, he peeled off the plastic wrapping from a box of Red Vines and placed it on a tray alongside a box of Milk-duds and Junior Mints. He sighed contently; it had been a productive Friday. First a successful and stimulating conversation with Amy then an action-packed day spent at the white board in his office.

Now, he was primed for a evening of Chinese food and vintage gaming.

Sheldon paused to consider that perhaps erotolalia would be enough to satisfy Amy's needs. They could continue with the dirty talk, scheduling into his weekly routine and both parties would be happy. His desire for her would continually be confirmed but he would never have to be plagued with the exchange of saliva, sweat or other viscous bodily fluids.

Sheldon assumed the position that he and Amy were now free to fornicate like wild animals if they so wished, just over the phone that is.

_This could work. _

Of course he'd have to find a way to make sure no one in their circle would ever find out about it.

* * *

><p>The three amigos were huddled tightly in the living room. Leonard sat in his usual chair while Raj sat to his left on the floor. Howard stood to Leonard's right, hovering over him.<p>

"Are you sure? The engineer inquired with a doubtful look, "That doesn't sound like anything our Sheldon would do?"

"I know what I heard Howard. Sheldon was having phone sex with Amy." Leonard whispered in an attempt to avoid his roommate's Vulcan hearing.

"Maybe what you heard was a neighbor watching porn on a high volume setting?" He rebutted, resting his hands on his belt while thumbing his shiny Batman buckle. "For the record, that kind of behavior is very rude. Every skilled masturbator knows that's what earphones are for."

Raj grimaced, but then piggy-backed on his best friend's statement, "He's right Dude. This is Sheldon Cooper we are talking about—Homo Novus, not Homo Perversa."

Leonard raised his eyebrows in alarm while glancing at Sheldon, who was still preoccupied in the kitchen discarding the broken Pringles from the tubed packaging.

"Keep your voices down!" He whispered forcefully. Reaching for the remote, Leonard raised the volume on the DVD that was playing. "Sheldon doesn't know I overheard him and I want to keep it that way." He leaned in further, pushing his eyeglasses up his nose, "But it would explain the extended showers and the happy whistling. The way I see it, if Sheldon has finally become a real boy, this can only be good for all of us in the long run. "

Howard leaned in too, dropping his own voice. "How do you figure? He may become as obsessive-compulsive about sex as he is with everything else. For all you know he's already drafted up some cockamamie schedule for their missionary style coitus."

Raj titled his head, looking sideways at Howard, "Missionary, really? Why would you assume that position for them? I've always pictured Amy on top. She seems like the type of lady who's not afraid to take charge." He stated plainly before uncapping his beer.

Shrugging, Howard rubbed his chin with serious contemplation, "Gee, I don't know if Sheldon would be comfortable with the cowgirl position."

"What about reverse cowgirl?" Raj asked innocently.

Leonard quickly shushed them both again, "Stop it, please, I don't need those visuals. Besides, I don't think it's gotten that far. From the little I overheard, it sounded pretty tame. Just some moaning and heavy breathing. There was also something about mango juice—which I still don't understand and frankly I don't think I want to. I ran out of the apartment as soon as I realized what was happening."

Raj took a thoughtful sip from his low-carb beer, "I thought you spent the night at Penny's? How did you overhear him?"

Keeping his eyes carefully fixed on Sheldon in the kitchen, Leonard continued to explain. "I was at Penny's, but I snuck in early this morning for a change of clothes." He then snickered, "I was also going to print out the picture of his butt sticking out the Cheesecake Factory window and tape it to his white board."

Raj and Howard covered their mouths to quiet their laughter. Howard pulled out his phone and with a few taps pulled up the image, "That's a great girlfriend you've got Leonard, she texted all of us that shot."

Leonard beamed, "I know, my gal is a giver."

"I can't imagine Sheldon saying anything dirty." Raj said skeptically, but then he crossed his arms with a sullen pout, "I swear if Sheldon is having sex, even phone sex, while I am still snuggling my Japanese love pillow I am going to drown myself in the Pacific."

Rolling his eyes Howard waved a dismissive hand at Raj, "Relax, I still say it was neighbor porn. There is no way in Mordor that Sheldon had phone sex. He's more interested in the One Ring then Amy's pink ring."

Leonard gave Howard a horrified look, "I thought marriage made you a new man? That sounded a lot like gross, perverted Howard."

Howard shrugged again, "Bernadette makes me want to be better man—but I am still a work in progress."

They all instantly quieted themselves and split apart as Sheldon walked from behind the kitchen counter to the couch, "Alright gentlemen, the time is now 6:55pm. As usual we will consume our Chinese food, take our respective bathroom breaks and begin our gameplay at 8:00pm sharp."

"You're so bossy …" Raj muttered at Sheldon as he settled into his spot.

"Call it what you like, but gameplay has always been at 8:00pm and will always be at 8:00pm." Sheldon replied sternly.

Howard snorted, "Definitely missionary."

Sheldon gave Howard a puzzled look while Leonard shot the engineer a warning glare from behind his eyeglasses.

Howard merely smiled back evilly as he stuffed a shrimp roll in his mouth while Rag snickered.

Leonard wiped his mouth with his napkin, "So will Amy be joining us?" He asked as casually as he could, but his voice still squeaked.

Both Raj and Howard stopped eating to look at Sheldon. The Texan took notice of the three pairs of eyes fixed on him and he blinked curiously, "She might join us, I extended an invitation to her this morning."

"Did you extend anything else to her?" Raj tittered, trying in vain to make his features as impassive as possible, but a teeny smirk was hanging from the corner of his mouth.

Leonard cleared his throat loudly and put his container down on the table, "Um, I think what Raj is asking is … how are things between the two of you? Penny mentioned that there was some ruckus at the restaurant last night."

Sheldon's back stiffened; he suspected that the tale of his exploits would be thrown back in his face eventually. "The incident at the Cheesecake Factory was just a big misunderstanding." He informed them flippantly, "I am sure whatever you heard was an exaggerated account of the evening."

Howard took out his phone again and held it under Sheldon's nose. "Does this look like an exaggeration?" Adding sarcastically, "Because to me, and I'm no expert here, it looks like your big tuchas is hanging out of window you wacky bastard."

Sheldon roughly snatched the phone from Howard's hand, "I do not have a big … I'll have you know my rear has been described as admirable." He spat while deleting the picture and aggressively handing the phone back to the obnoxious engineer.

Within a few moments Howard's message alert went off and he smiled, holding up the infamous picture again. "Thank you Raj." He chuckled.

Sheldon's eyes bore into the astrophysicist who was holding his own phone, "You are quite welcome Howard."

Leonard ran his hand through his thick head of hair, "But what possessed you squeeze through that window Sheldon? And don't you dare say scientific curiosity."

Sheldon looked around at the three men, his brothers in arms as it were. Thinking for a moment, he decided that he would reveal part of the truth, not all. Admitting he had feelings for Amy was an acceptable route at this moment.

However, confessing that he now suffered from the same urges when it came to sex was completely out of the question. Sheldon ran a tight ship and felt he led by example, rejecting his biological desires only served to lift him above the average man.

But in Howard's case he could run around naked with a paper bag on his head, smacking people with a dead fish and he would still be superior.

Sheldon placed his mandarin chicken down on the glass coffee table and sighed deeply, "If you must pry …"

"But we must." Howard interrupted with a grin.

Looking at his feet Sheldon continued, "Last night I attempted …"

"Yes?" Leonard nudged, practically on the edge of his seat.

Sheldon cleared his throat, "...well … Amy and I admitted that we had amorous feelings towards one another."

Howard's face scrunched up, "What the hell does that mean?"

Raj was fanning his face with his hand, trying to hold in the tears, "Don't be such a barbarian Howard. He means they finally said the ILYs!"

Leonard squinted, "ILY? Isn't that the Glenegedale Airport in Scotland?

Sheldon scoffed, "ILY means "_I love you"_ Leonard, even I knew that. And to answer your question Howard, Amy inquired as to whether or not I loved her and I confirmed that I do indeed ... love her. However, I strongly urge all of you not to amplify the situation. I love Amy, she loves me and the earth continues to spin, let's eat."

"Holy crap! Smelly Pooper is in love!" Raj muffled happily into his hands. His face then quickly fell into a sour frown as his hands dropped into his lap, "FML."

Sheldon's eyebrows came together inquisitively, "FML? I'm sorry; I am not familiar with that acronym."

"Fuck my life." The three amigos replied in unison.

Sheldon's mouth tightened, "Oh."

Howard sighed, "But did you say the words? Women want to hear the words."

"Not all women." Leonard grumbled, stabbing a dumpling with his fork.

Sheldon was quickly realizing his spot had become the proverbial hot seat, "I did say it. Granted, I was dangling from a window at the time. But what does that matter? It was confirmed regardless and Amy seemed pleased." He glanced at this watch. "It is now 7:02pm and I refuse to have my schedule derailed by your incessant tongue wagging."

Howard smirked, "From what I hear you don't mind a little tongue wagging."

Raj giggled.

In that moment, Leonard regretted saying anything to Rat Man and Mouse Boy.

Sheldon gave Howard another puzzled look as Penny and Amy entered the apartment, "Hey guys!" The blonde greeted the room warmly.

"Good evening all." Amy nodded to the group curtly. Howard slid over to the other end of the couch, allowing her to sit in her usual spot next to her boyfriend.

"Okay, so where's the beef and broccoli?" Penny asked the crew, clapping her hands together eagerly. Smiling, Leonard pulled a small container out from a paper bag and handed it to her as she perched herself on the arm of his chair, "Thanks darling."

Leonard's eyebrow went up, "Since when do you call me darling?"

Penny shrugged, "Just trying it out. I'm in an experimental kind of mood." She said while reaching for a plastic fork.

Howard chuckled, "There seems to be quite of bit of that going around."

Both Leonard and Penny glared at Howard, apparently the Shiksa goddess had already been filled in on the morning's events and was just as determined to keep it under wraps.

"Tough crowd," Howard muttered before sipping his diet soda.

"Sheldon, is that the Superman emblem on your T-shirt?" Amy asked casually.

With a surprised smile, Sheldon reflexively ran his hand over the bright blue fabric, directly over his heart. "Why, yes it is Amy."

She leaned over to scan the containters for the brown rice, "It suits you." She said nonchalantly before turning her head to grin at him over her shoulder. Her green gaze ran over his chest before locking eyes with him.

Sheldon unconsciously licked bottom lip before quickly moving his attention to a small carton on the table, pointing at it, "That… that one is the brown rice."

"Thanks baby." She whispered as she reached for the box. Sheldon's face suddenly flashed with panic as he scanned the faces around the room. They all were deeply engrossed in their meals and he let out a small sigh of relief.

_Good, no one heard that. _

Howard's text alarm went off again. Quickly wiping his hands, he pulled out his phone and glanced at the screen. Looking across the table at Rajesh he nodded in agreement at the message.

_**RK: Definitely cowgirl.**_

* * *

><p><strong><em>LLTS!<em>**


	30. Dirty Thirty

_**The Big Bang Theory and its characters were created by Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady. I do not to own, nor do I profit from TBBT or its characters. I also do not own the various other games, movies or TV shows I reference throughout my story. This is meant for entertainment purposes only. **__**This has not been beta read, so please forgive any typos on my part.**_

_**C****hapter 30 "Dirty Thirty" (MA)**_

* * *

><p>"Raj, you've got to get him with an uppercut!" Howard shouted from his seat at the end of the couch. He was becoming increasingly frustrated as he watched Raj's Little Mac get knocked down for the second time since the start of his turn. Raj mashed the buttons on the antique Nintendo controller in a furious attempt to get pry his crudely pixelated boxer off of the mat. "Come on Mac, come on!" He urged.<p>

Howard rocked back and forth in his seat anxiously, "Damn it, everyone knows you get Bald Bull down by bobbing and weaving until you can slam him with an uppercut! Why are you playing like a noob?"

Leonard was riveted, chewing on the straw sticking out of his soda can. "I don't think you're going to make it Raj." He observed a little too happily, possibly due to the fact he had been eagerly awaiting his turn for past last twenty minutes.

Raj hissed, "I'll make it. And I am going to whack this bald bastard right on his two-dimensional caboose! "

Sheldon shook his head haughtily, "That may prove to be difficult seeing as how the referee just determined the bout a KO. Raj you're out, Leonard you're up." He ordered with a snap of his fingers and the tone of a military commander.

Raj grumbled something in Hindi as he reluctantly handed the controller to an enthusiastic Leonard.

Sheldon raised his hand to halt them, "Wait! Aren't you two forgetting something?"

The two men looked at each other and sighed. Leonard plucked a single anti-bacterial wipe out from the dispenser on the coffee table. Rolling his eyes, he wiped down the controller under Sheldon's watchful stare.

"Now you may proceed." Sheldon confirmed authoritatively.

Howard snickered, "Only good for us in the long run, huh?"

Leonard rubbed the side of his nose with his middle finger in Howard's direction.

* * *

><p>Oswald's concerns had been confirmed, most of his clientele did not want to wait for him to heal, nor did they want a boy toy with a black eye. This usually meant two things in the coming weeks, the experienced clients would simply move on to another "working man" in the Pasadena area while the novices viewed the hiccup as a sign from God, chickening out and never contacting him again.<p>

Doing some quick calculations he realized he could not afford to be out of work for more than a couple of weeks, having no reserve savings to speak of. Besides his rent, his bills and his car loan, he was still paying his college tuition off. Not to mention when his red-headed high school sweetheart turned cheating ex-wife divorced him years ago, she left him with a small mountain of credit card debt in his name to contend with.

Opening a drawer in his modest desk, he pulled out a small red leather bound notebook and opened it regretfully.

* * *

><p>Amy and Penny stood in the kitchen as they watched the four men battled for video game supremacy.<p>

Penny, acting craftily, offered to replenish the snack tray in an attempt to get Amy away from the boys so she could to poke her for information—on whether or not she was a step closer to being poked by Sheldon.

Pouring herself a glass of Kool-Aid, Amy cooed, "It's so sexy when Sheldon asserts his dominance as pack leader."

Penny smirked, knowing full well what had gone down between the pair that very morning thanks to her homunculus boyfriend. "Yeah, your man is a real bad ass."

"Quite." Amy agreed before sipping gently from her glass, her mouth instantly puckered. "Well, that's different. This beverage is both ridiculously saccharine and sour." She licked her lips, unsure as to whether or not she enjoyed the taste.

Penny held up the canister of powder with the familiar cartoon logo on it, "It's the pink lemonade flavor. I personally can't stand this stuff. You have to add so much sugar to the mix and that's just not healthy. "

Amy's eyes narrowed on her flaxen-haired friend, "The average glass of white wine contains 1.5 grams of sugar."

Without missing a beat Penny responded, "Yes, but wine comes from an actual fruit and that is healthy … _er_." She retorted while bringing her focus back to the snack tray. Amy nodded in agreement, the goddess made a fair point.

As Penny arranged the new boxes of candies she whispered to Amy, "So what happened last night? I had to convince my boss not to ban Sheldon from the restaurant—again. "

Swirling the neon pink liquid in her glass Amy hid her smile. "It's still a fairly new development Bestie. I don't know what to make it of myself. If you have told me a week ago that we would …" Her voice broke off as she glanced at Sheldon. He was watching her intensely; his eyes shone a brilliant cerulean, possibly set off by the bright blue Superman shirt he was wearing.

At first she held her breath with the thought that he had overheard them chatting but when his pale face lit up into an innocent smile she instantly relaxed. Feeling emboldened, Amy kissed the tips of her fingers of her right hand discreetly blew him a tiny kiss.

Sheldon's smile faltered a bit as his eyes darted to the others in the living room. Establishing that the other men were immersed in the game, he shyly met his girlfriend's eyes again. She could see his chest rise as he took in a deep breath. Sheldon then quickly puckered his full lips in her direction and kissed the air before returning his attention to Leonard's bout with King Hippo.

Penny looked up from the platter just in time to witness the exchange and her pouty mouth dropped at the sight. She was dumbstruck; it was if the pair had just made out in front of her. Had it been any other couple, she wouldn't have thought twice about it, but this was Sheldon and Amy—the _Shamy_. They simply didn't do air kisses or whatever the hell it was she just saw.

"Holy crap on a cracker," She muttered.

* * *

><p>Dubbed the "red leather" clients, these women listed in Oswald's book were those that were into the rough, the strange, or both. It ranged from outlandish fetishes, to risky public sex and even hardcore bondage.<p>

When he first started doing this kind of work out of desperation five years ago after his divorce, the red leather clients were essential in order to get the word of mouth going. Some of them where incredibly wealthy and prominent, or their husbands were.

One client in-particular was instrumental in helping him get back on his feet; oddly enough he never had sex with this woman. She was also the only client that did not have anonymity, seeing as how her books were repeated best sellers.

Being a bit of a cold fish, they only ever talked about her work or her grown children. He enjoyed how intelligent and articulate she was. Once in a while, after a few shots of tequila, they would partake in the occasional karaoke jam session. In her own frigid way, she was amusing, when she wasn't being intentionally insulting.

However, this client was soon filed in his red leather book because she had become increasingly possessive of him during his last two years in New York.

After indulging in too much tequila, she became uncharacteristically grabby and demanded sex from him, growling, "It's no matter … no matter at all … he will continue to stimulate my mind … you will stimulate my body!"

Something had changed, if the woman had ever expressed an emotion, it would be Oswald's guess that some type of anger surfacing. She then proceeded to vomit on and off for the next thirty minutes. After helping her off the bathroom floor and putting her in a taxi, he sent her an email informing her that he would be moving to California and their business arrangement would be terminated, effective immediately.

He received several apologetic emails afterward but he never responded. She even offered to triple his rate, but he still kept his distance. Red leather clients were complicated and he was through with complications.

That is, he thought he was until he reunited with his high school crush Amy Farrah Fowler and her bat-shit crazy boyfriend Sheldon Cooper.

* * *

><p>"I think it would be better if we discussed this another time. " Amy suggested with a hushed voice.<p>

Ignoring her, Penny's grin returned, "So have you tried any of the tricks Bernadette and I showed you yet?"

Amy sighed, her eyes pleading with her bestie, "Penny, please … another time."

The blonde crossed her arms, "Did I mention that I had to agree to two double shifts next week?"

It was difficult for Amy to put her foot down with Penny, especially when she flashed those bright green eyes and her thousand kilowatt smile. "All I will tell you at this point is Sheldon and I will be entering into a new phase of our relationship." Trying not to blush while hiding her mouth with her glass she continued, "Once we renegotiate our agreement that is."

Amy wasn't a superstitious woman, but something in her was hesitant to reveal everything that had transpired within last twenty-four hours. Her boyfriend had both confessed to loving her and physically desiring her. She didn't subscribe to miracles, but Amy wasn't about to jinx her future with Sheldon to satisfy Penny's hankering for gossip.

The waitress-slash-actress's nose scrunched, realizing she wasn't getting any else out of her best friend for the night. "Alright, it's cool. I get it."

Amy nodded in appreciation, "Thank you Bestie. I knew you'd understand." She took another sip and cringed, the pink lemonade was not growing on her at all. _How can Sheldon drink this?_

Penny's pretty features contorted as a wicked smirk crept over her face. "But if the Whack-a-doodle finally gets over his germ thingy and builds up the nerve eat out your soft kitty, try to keep the volume down." She giggled, "Unless, that is, Sheldon gives Leonard his noise cancelling headphones. Then feel free to scream your head off, naughty girl."

Suddenly Amy found herself choking on her beverage. The heads in the living room snapped to look at her with concern and confusion.

Sheldon leapt up and like the Flash made his way to the kitchen to check on Amy, who was still coughing. Responding instinctively, he wrapped his arms around her from behind; towering over her as he balled his hands together over her abdomen.

"I'm fine…Sheldon …"She gasped "…the lemonade … it just went down the wrong way." She glared at Penny, who bit her lip as she turned on her heel with the tray, walking back to towards Leonard without a word.

Catching her breath, Amy leaned back against him. "I don't … require the Heimlich Maneuver … thank you."

"You startled me Amy." He croaked as his fists opened up, his fingers absent-mindedly slid down her mid-section, resting at her waist.

Sheldon had indeed been startled; Amy could feel his heart beating rapidly in his chest against her upper back. His breath was hot and smelled of that damned pink lemonade as he warmed her neck with shallow huffs.

Patting herself gently on the chest, she turned her head to look up at him and licked her lips. His eyes were round and tinged with worry.

"I am fine." She maintained. His hands stayed on her waist as she turned around to face him, "But how can you drink that concoction? It's mostly comprised of chemicals and additives. My lips are prickling from the acidity."

Sheldon didn't respond to her question and it almost looked as though he had stopped breathing. The concern melted from his features and was replaced with something undefinable. His gaze was fixed on her glistening lips and the hands that gripped her waist squeezed. "Amy Farrah Fowler, do not scare me like that again—do you understand?"

Despite herself, Amy shivered at the gruffness in his tone before her eyes burned back into his with defiance.

"Sheldon Cooper, my choking on your juvenile choice of beverage was not an intentional …"

Pulling her to him, Sheldon nearly took her head off when he planted a rough closed mouth kiss on her.

Amy's involuntary reflex kicked in and she pushed him back, staring up at him in wide-eyed shock. Sheldon looked rather shocked himself. His eyes widened and he opened his mouth to say something when he heard a gasp, Penny's gasp.

The pair broke apart, red-faced. They turned to the others—they all saw it.

Leonard's eyebrows were so high up on his forehead with surprise they were hidden under his floppy hair. Howard was in awe, his jaw practically on the floor. Penny looked like she was about to burst with glee, her eyes shining with joy.

Raj had his head tossed back as he drained his beer in a few harsh gulps. Coming up for air, he looked pained. "It is official; Sheldon is getting more action than I am. Can one of you drive me to the beach?" This was followed by a loud, wet belch, "I have an appointment with the tide."

* * *

><p>Playful sex with a little tussling was one thing; Oswald was a fan of a well-placed smack on a beautiful backside or a romp in the backseat of a car.<p>

But once Oswald built up his clientele in Pasadena, the red leather work began to make him feel uneasy, especially when several of the ladies kept upping the ante. He just didn't have the stomach for it anymore. Someone was bound to wind up in the hospital, or in jail. Oswald was strictly a vanilla man now.

When Oswald really thought about it, he wasn't sure he wanted to do this kind of work at all anymore, vanilla or otherwise. He wasn't getting any younger and he was tired of working out three hours a day to maintain his physique. Some days, all he wanted in his world was a BBQ bacon cheeseburger, a cherry Coke, an old black and white movie and maybe someone special to share it with.

His thoughts drifted back to Amy—sweet, smart, funny Amy. He often wondered how his life would have been different if he had told her how he felt back in high school. He was so excited when he discovered her on Facebook. He was also decidedly less excited when he saw she had a boyfriend, but not just any boyfriend, Dr. Sheldon Cooper PhD.

Unquestionably, Sheldon had a number of neurotic habits and could be an insufferable know-it-all, but the man was brilliant. Oswald knew could he could compete with the genius's body, but he could never compete with his brain. He also suspected that he couldn't compete with Sheldon's heart either.

Oswald smiled to himself; the crazy son of a bitch had grown on him, despite the black eye.

* * *

><p>Sheldon grabbed Amy by the wrist and roughly pulled her down the hallway towards his bedroom, "You can I need to have a conversation before this madness goes any further."<p>

He stopped short, causing Amy to bump into him, her free hand latching on to him for balance. Amy chewed her swollen lip; the muscle was taut underneath the layers of cotton.

Sheldon closed his eyes and willed himself not to delight in the sensation of her touch as he barked over this shoulder, "Leonard! Proxy scorekeeper clause is now in effect! I will be back within the next ten minutes, if my turn comes up during that time, you are to wait until I return!"

"Uh … sure, anything you say Buddy." Leonard's voice rang back, followed by a cat call whistle of unknown origin. Sheldon's stomach tightened. Apparently, the insurrection had already begun.

Once the group heard Sheldon's bedroom door slam, Howard pouted and folded his skinny arms around himself.

Raj took notice of this, "What's wrong with you?" He asked sitting down next to him.

Howard shrugged, "Ten minutes … he's a beginner and he's already got my best time beat."

Penny and Leonard exchanged revolted looks while Raj patted his best friend's back in solidarity.

* * *

><p>It was pitch black in Sheldon's room. Amy couldn't even see her hand in front of her face. She took a few tentative steps forward until her knees grazed something. Amy reached out but there was nothing in front of her. She could heard Sheldon moving around. Bending down with her hands still extended, her fingers finally met the soft fabric of what she determined was Sheldon's bed. Her stomach dropped in realization.<p>

Amy was in Sheldon's bedroom after dark, with Sheldon and without the cats.

"I can't see a single thing. Please turn on the light." She said, gently sitting at the foot of his bed to avoid bumping into things or falling.

"Amy we need to talk about this morning." She heard her boyfriend say from a few feet away.

Amy heaved a sigh; part of her suspected that he may have had regrets about what had happened over the phone. "You are the one who instigated the erotolalia Sheldon." She said matter-of-factly.

His voice spoke out, "I am aware of that. Please don't misunderstand Amy, I enjoyed it immensely. And I would like to do it again, repeatedly."

Amy smiled at the darkness, "You would?"

"Yes, in fact, I would like to incorporate it at least three times a week into my schedule." He responded.

"Of course you mean in addition to our physical relationship Sheldon? Erotolalia is an excellent appetizer, but I am a red-blooded woman in my sexual prime. I desire a broader array of nourishment and you've got the goods Cuddles." She said playfully.

He fell silent.

Her smile faded, Amy quickly understood this conversation wasn't about how the erotolalia was too much for Sheldon but how erotolalia would be the only thing for him. _How could I have not seen this coming? _Amy thought while crossing her arms and shaking her head.

It dawned on her that phone sex must have been perfect concession in his mind. He had discovered that he could enjoy sexual release without nudity, physical contact or the exchange of fluids. But he still didn't seem to understand that Amy yearned for a palpable connection; she wanted to feel him against her. And after last night, she had been certain that Sheldon wanted the same thing.

"I see, all talk and no action. Is that what you are proposing? " She asked with a thwarted pout.

There was no reply from the darkness. Amy stood up to leave, stretching her arms back out in front of her to feel for the door.

"Amy, please sit down. I want to discuss this rationally with you, please don't be angry." His voice was magically behind her now.

"I am not angry Sheldon, just disappointed. I really believed that we … wait … you can see me? How? We are in complete darkness." She inquired as she turned to face the voice.

"Simple. I am wearing night vision goggles." His voice answered with a sigh as if she asked a silly question.

There was an awkward pause as she processed this. _Only Sheldon_, she mentally groaned.

Amy's eyes whizzed around the blackness, but she couldn't make out a single shape. "Why may I ask, is my mysophobic boyfriend wearing night vision goggles in his own bedroom? Is it because he's worried I might actually touch him?" She growled.

His voice grew closer as she heard the light sound of his shoes on the hardwood floor, "You've already touched me. You have reached a place inside me that no other has been permitted to go, a place I hardly knew existed until I met you. I love you Amy."

Confused, but moved by his words, Amy drifted towards the voice, "I don't understand. If you don't want to touch me, then why did you kiss me?"

Sheldon took a steadying breath, "I kissed you because in that instant all I could see was you. You shake me to my very core Amy Farrah Fowler and I realize now that I cannot allow myself to become so swept up in my carnal urges that I lose the essential element that makes me who I am—a man of science. I like who I am and I don't want to change. I am sorry, truly sorry Amy. But, I believe erotolalia may be my limit."

He watched her through the goggles and his heart sank as her lip trembled, "I don't want you to change. I certainly have no intention of changing." She said softly, "I just want to openly love you, in every way." She paused for a moment. "I am surprised that you of all people would give up so easily—but if don't think yourself capable, then I shall trust your assessment." She sighed, "I suppose this means that it is back to Gerard for me …"

"Who in tarnation is Gerard? Woman, are you two-timing me with some grimy European?" He spat.

"You have nothing to fear from Gerard, for "he" is an electric toothbrush. And for the past two years he has been my one and only lover. " She answered without shame.

Sheldon's mind flashed to Oswald's sonic screwdriver. Shaking off the thought, he was about to speak but halted as something buzzed loudly in her skirt pocket. "Is Gerard here?" He squeeked. Amy sucked her teeth in response. "It's my phone."

As she read the bright screen her face grew into an accomplished grin. "I have just been informed that my lab was awarded with a research grant mostly in part to my presentation today. A presentation that you assisted me with, I might add. It's not a large subsidy, but it's more than enough for new testing equipment that we are in dire need of." She chimed while stuffing her phone back into her pocket.

Sheldon tilted his head, which of course she was unable to see. "I don't recall that Amy. You have never sought my input regarding your research, although it would only been a benefit to you if you had."

She inched towards his voice, zooming in on him in the pitch blackness, "I was rather nervous this morning when I was preparing my notes. Your phone call this morning did wonders for my anxiety. While normally I am a delight, during my presentation I was effortlessly charming and apparently very convincing in my arguments. So, I should thank you Sheldon."

"Oh, well … you are welcome Amy and congratulations." Sheldon replied, unsure of where she was taking the conversation.

"How was your day? Productive I hope Dr. Cooper." She asked sarcastically, knowing full well that it had been. Throughout the day, when Sheldon had expanded on an equation or successfully eliminated a faulty path, he would eagerly text her each development.

Sheldon bit his lip at the quip and Amy she smiled as though she'd witnessed him do it. He waved a finger at her, "I see what you are trying to do, very shrewd Dr. Fowler, but it won't work. You are suggesting that somehow the release of our sexual inhibitions over the phone is somehow tied to the achievements in our respective fields."

She responded with a throaty chuckle, "I am suggesting no such thing. Our accomplishments might very well have happened just the same without the erotolalia. What I am stating outright is this; you and I are remarkable Sheldon. Sex, is a relatively unremarkable act that has the potential to be satisfying, even for those you would consider to be lesser minds."

Amy took a small step closer to him; she nearly had him pinned in the corner of his room. The delicate aroma of her shampoo mingled with her distinct scent snuck past his air purifier and tickled his nose. Unable to help it, he took a deep breath in and reveled in the mix of fragrance and pheromones. His body began to betray him again as felt his arousal climbing up his legs and sliding down his spine, happily greeting each other in a certain localized area.

Sheldon backed up; finally hitting the wall as Amy blindly raised her hand towards him. Her delicate fingers searched, reaching for him in the darkness. "In short, if you thought this morning was enjoyable, wouldn't it stand to reason that the real thing for us could go beyond mere satisfaction—considering how remarkable we are?"

He gasped lightly when she found him at last, lightly running her soft hands down the either side of his face. "I have a proposal." Her voice said calmly. "Give me thirty seconds of free reign. And in those short seconds if I am unable to convince you that we should take our sexual adventure beyond erotolalia. Then I will drop the subject of coitus, gratifying myself with your sexy voice and Gerard's battery operated fervor alone."

"Define free reign." He demanded, eyeing her cautiously.

"I touch any part of you I want, however I want for thirty seconds." She answered boldly, "Let's call it the dirty thirty."

Sheldon straightened up, feeling confident that he could withstand a mere thirty seconds of her groping. His mind was made up and her molesting him in the dark wasn't going to change that. His will was stronger than his urges. Glancing at his watch he waited until the start of the next minute, "Very well, challenge accepted. You may proceed … now."

Her hands immediately moved down from his face over the length of his bare neck. She ran her fingers back up and playfully tugged on his earlobes, he let out a breathy laugh.

Smiling, Amy then slid her hands downward and softly traced the contours of his chest over the layers of cotton; the pads of her fingers circling his nipples. He pressed his lips together tightly to muffle a delighted gasp when she pinched one.

"Nineteen seconds remaining..." He whispered as his blood began to surge downward, causing him to become slightly light-headed. Amy's hands moved down between them, past his navel until she met the growing bulge in his slacks.

Sheldon looked down at her through his night vision goggles, his mouth quivered as he tried to protest but he couldn't bring himself to say anything. All he could do was moan helplessly as his girlfriend began to fondle him over the material, one hand tenderly stroking his length while the other reached under and cupped him.

Amy brought herself flush against him, "You are so much more than you realize Sheldon. You are not just a physicist—a man of science." Dropping her voice to a whisper she raised her chin,"You are a man of whatever it is you choose to be. You can be anything, do anything ... I believe in you ... and never forget that you are a man Sheldon. My man."

The hand that cupped him gave a deliciously evil squeeze causing Sheldon to throw his head back against the wall. He let out a loud whimper as he continued to slowly harden under the pressure of her touch. "Oh God ... Amy ..."

"I believe my thirty seconds are up." She purred, removing her hands. Panting slightly, part of Sheldon was relieved when she released him. However, he did notice the area had suddenly gone cold, as if it missed the attention, her attention.

Although Sheldon was on full alert, the usual blaring internal alarm of warning was being drowned out. It was quickly being overpowered by the cries of something primal, something he buried under layers of rationality and Kohlinar since meeting Amy. But now, with Oswald's training and Amy's ministrations, his lust was rising up like a deep-sea submarine, threating to break the surface at any moment.

"What's it to be?" Amy inquired and then waited. A moment passed and there was not a sound from him.

When she was met with silence, she smirked and decided to improvise further. "Still undecided are we? Well then, let's accelerate the experiment Dr. Cooper."

Sheldon quickly gasped when Amy reached up and slid the night vision goggles off his head without a word. He was in total darkness, everything was black. Breathing heavily he raised his hands, Amy wasn't there.

"Amy?" He croaked, his eyes moving wildly in the darkness.

He took a few awkward steps forward and within seconds, he was tackled back onto his bed and straddled.

"AMY FARRAH FOWLER!" He squealed with laughter, trying to catching his breath as Amy's fingers mercilessly tickled him.

Growing up in Texas with two wild siblings, Sheldon was no stranger to a hardcore tickle fight. He easily flipped his girlfriend over, pinning her under his weight while his own nimble hands retaliated, attacking her sides with his own brand of torture.

Sheldon snaked one hand up to her face, the she-devil was wearing the night vision goggles over her glasses. He snatched them off without a second thought and let them both clatter to the floor. With a shriek, she half-heartedly fought Sheldon off of her.

"Serves you right for ambushing me in the dark like a viper." He chastised as he continued his assault. Amy couldn't help but giggle and shout happily as she squirmed beneath him. "Sheldon, I can't breathe!" Laughing, she feebly tried to wiggle away from his fury.

Then rather unexpectedly, to his girlfriend's shock and delight, Sheldon swiftly wrapped his arms around Amy to pull her up towards him for a tender kiss. She gasped against his mouth and wondered how he found her lips in the dark, but when his tickling turned into soft caresses, she quickly decided it didn't matter.

Amy reached up for him, stroking his face as she pressed deeper into the kiss, teasing him to open, to surrender. Tentatively, his lips parted and he allowed his tongue to gently explore her mouth.

Sheldon severed the penetrative kiss after a few seconds with a breathless sigh. He couldn't see her, but he could feel Amy's warm sweet breath on his nose, lips and chin.

His fear at this unforeseen moment was present, but dormant. The panic was slowly being dominated by the ache of arousal in his lower belly and the emotional swell in his chest. His connection to this woman who believed in him silenced his apprehension and demanded more, more whatever this was.

Realizing he was kneeling between her spread legs, Sheldon guided Amy to lean back on the mattress, placing a careful hand behind her head. She submitted, falling back as they continued to kiss deeply again.

Sheldon awkwardly settled between her legs while his hands gently glided through her long hair. Eventually he rested his palms above her head. He faintly moaned in her mouth, shivering as Amy's fingers wandered under his double layer of shirts, running her nails softly up his back and then down again.

Tugging at the hems, she worked the material up halfway up his back. Unable to pull the fabric up any further, she pulled away from his mouth. "Please, I want to feel you." She pleaded while catching her breath and pressing her forehead to his, "Please Sheldon."

He stilled above her, he could feel the heat radiating off her face. "Alright" he agreed softly before pushing up off the mattress.

In that instant, Amy cursed the darkness because it prevented her from watching him remove his clothes at her request. But she also was grateful for it; part of her knowing Sheldon might not be this willing if he could see what they were doing.

In one move, Sheldon pulled up both shirts completely over his head, kicking off his shoes at the same time. A few seconds passed as Sheldon considered folding the shirts before remembering that his beautiful girlfriend was waiting for him on his bed.

"I have complied." He confirmed nervously.

Hearing the soft thud of his shirts hitting the ground, Amy took that as permission to kick off her own flats and hurriedly peel off her cardigan and tights. Once removed, she aggressively tossed them into the blackness. She then reached for Sheldon's hand in the dark and brought it to the buttons of her blouse.

"You should know how to do this already." She teased him. "Only this time I am wide awake Dr. Cooper." It was then Amy noticed that his fingers were trembling in her hand, she instantly began to worry that this was too much. "Sheldon, we can stop ... this doesn't have to go any further if you are ... I mean if you don't want ..."

Her offer of mercy was quickly cut off and ignored as Sheldon roughly pushed his body back down over her. Reflexively, Amy arched against him and moaned, throwing her head back as his lips hungrily found her neck. She felt his hands clumsily undo the buttons starting at the top. Finally at the last button, he paused only briefly before slipping her blouse open. Amy shivered as she felt the air hit her exposed abdomen.

She ran her fingers through his silky hair, cradling the back of his head as he slid his lips across her throat, so that he could lavish the other side of her neck with his attention. The sensation of his bare chest against her skin triggered Amy to playfully nibble at his earlobe, pulling the sensitive skin between her teeth, biting down gently. Sheldon shuddered and ground his hips hard against her in response. Amy gasped loudly when she felt Sheldon's erection through his slacks. It was hard and warm against her inner thigh. Her entire body rejoiced as a rush of damp heat flooded her own sex.

Amy tightly wrapped her arms under his and gripped the back of his shoulders, closing her eyes as he kissed her again and again. His hands found her outer thighs and slowly slid her skirt up her legs while she rolled her hips to meet his, adjusting so that his length rubbed against her tiny swollen bud, hidden by a thin layer of lacy material. At that moment, Sheldon's wonderful kisses became the last thing on her mind as they began to move together.

Sheldon continued pushing his pelvis forward between her thighs, groaning her name while the pressure building deep within him grew needier. He wasn't sure if he was performing frottage correctly, but as their bodies rocked into a faster rhythm, all he knew for certain was that this torturous friction felt incredible. _Amy feels incredible._

Amy then gripped her boyfriend's back even tighter as they feverishly crushed their clothed bodies together. It wasn't long after that the pair of brilliant minds had broken into a sweat as their shared gentle, helpless moans morphed into eager, lustful grunts.

"Yes, yes, oh yes ..." Sheldon chanted into her neck with each push.

More aroused than she had ever been in her life; Amy's dragged her nails down his chest and eagerly searched the zipper of his slacks, yanking it down in one swift movement.

_***ZIIIIIIIP***_

A sudden surge of panic flooded Sheldon's senses at the startling sound of the zipper and he pulled back, grabbing her wrists to stop her. Amy could tell that his breathing was erratic and felt his hands were shaking.

"Confound it Amy…" He growled, "You were correct! Erotolalia will not be enough!" He collected himself as best he could and rolled off of her, panting, "This is ... more than I can handle right now. I ... I am not ready yet. It's still too much. I'm sorry."

Although sexually stirred up and aching for more, Amy hoisted herself onto her elbows, "Sheldon, everything will work out. It doesn't have to be tonight. We can take our time." She reassured him breathlessly, trying to remove the disappointment from her voice while kicking herself for trying to remove his pants. _He had been close. We were so close._

Amy sensed him shifting beside her, she then shuddered as she felt Sheldon's soft mouth graze her ear, "Please know that I do want you Amy ... badly." He whispered. She turned her head to capture his mouth in a kiss when there was a hard knock on the door. Amy jumped, quickly closing her legs and pulling her skirt down. She felt Sheldon leap off the bed and heard him move quickly in the dark.

"Darn it" he groused, it sounded as if he had walked into something. Abruptly the room was flooded with light, making Amy instinctively shield her eyes.

"Who goes there?" Sheldon barked at the door. He pulled his on red long-sleeve thermal and pushed up the sleeves.

"It's Leonard. So the guys and I were wondering if Penny can play your turn since it's been more than ten minutes." His roommate's voice asked from behind the door.

Sheldon rolled his eyes as he reached for his blue Superman T-shirt, shaking it out. "Absolutely not, Amy and I have concluded our conversation and will be joining all of you to continue vintage game night."

Leonard cleared his throat, "See, thing is, she's already playing your turn."

Amy covered her mouth in order not to laugh. Her boyfriend's face and neck were so red that the skin almost matched his thermal; his hair was beyond tousled as it stuck up every which way.

"Of all the nerve, you tell your mediocre waitress that … that …" He looked back at Amy who was trying to smooth out her long dark hair. Her face was flushed and her blouse was still open, revealing a dark amethyst colored bra that highlighted her cleavage exquisitely. Her smooth bare legs were now demurely crossed at the ankle. Sheldon swallowed hard, "… after the Halo fiasco of 2007, she must seek permission, in writing when she wants to play with us." He reminded Leonard as he pulled his Superman t-shirt over his head.

"You tell her, I am not going to piss my girlfriend off. " Leonard huffed as he walked away from the door.

Sheldon shook his head, "This apartment has descended into anarchy and lawlessness." Sitting on the edge of his bed, he quickly slipped on his shoes, "If you will excuse me Amy, it's high time I cracked the whip."

Amy raised her eyebrow at the expression, "Of course, I will join you shortly once I get myself in order."

Sheldon knelt down and picked up Amy's eyeglasses from the floor. "Perhaps you should consider contacts?" He said absent-mindedly while handing her the spectacles.

"Perhaps you should zip up your fly and wait until _that_ goes away." She retorted with a smirk, looking up at him as she pushed her eyeglasses up her nose.

Sheldon's mouth scrunched up on the side of his face, "Touché." He muttered as he pulled up his zipper over the obvious bulge in his pants.

He moved closer to her and sighed, "Amy, I promise on my word as one of the greatest minds of the century that I will endeavor to fully satisfy you someday, but only after we review and revise our relationship agreement."

"I have already waited this long Sheldon. I'm okay with it." She shrugged.

"We have waited Amy, " Sheldon corrected. "And I am certainly not "okay" with it, not anymore. Oh, and one more thing ..."

"Yes Sheldon?" She replied, smiling to herself as she began to button up her top.

He titled his head to observe her as she bashfully buttoned up her blouse, determining that he would cherish the sight of her on his bed, which was now carved into his mind forever, "Dump Gerard."

* * *

><p>Oswald couldn't imagine loving someone so much you would be willing live your lifetime together without sex, like Amy was. Or for that matter, pushing against your inherent beliefs while exposing yourself to everything you fear in order to keep a woman in your life, like Sheldon was.<p>

What Sheldon and Amy had confused Oswald, in fact he was sure it confused a lot of people. It seemed to him a bizarre relationship. It certainly wasn't pop culture's romanticized and idealized idea of love, but still it was a true and undeniable love nevertheless.

And although he fought the feelings, the truth was Oswald Montserrat was becoming incredibly jealous of Sheldon Cooper because of it.

Finally pushing away from his desk, Oswald stretched out, cracking his back. "Yikes." He responded to the sound aloud.

Oswald then blinked as something occurred to him. It was a long shot, but he had nothing to lose. Turning to his laptop, he quickly did a quick search in Google. After a few minutes, his eyes lit up in realization. "Well, I'll be damned. She's in California." Oswald considered that perhaps his luck was changing and he might be able to afford that month's rent after all.

Reaching for his cellphone and the little red book, his dialed the number next to the name "Dr. H".

* * *

><p><em><strong>Long live the Shamy! <strong>_


	31. Sphinx

_**The Big Bang Theory and its characters were created by Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady. I do not own, nor do I profit from TBBT or its characters. I also do not own the various other games, movies or TV shows I reference throughout my story. This is meant for entertainment purposes only. This has not been beta read, so please forgive any typos on my part.**_

_**Chapter 31 "Sphinx"**_

* * *

><p>Saturday morning breakfast was eerily quiet in apartment 4A. Leaning against the kitchen island in his robe, drinking coffee, Leonard cautiously observed his best friend. Sheldon had uncharacteristically stayed in his room for almost three hours after his alarm went off, missing his scheduled morning television. Now his normally regimented roommate was barely eating as he swirled the letters of his Alpha-Bits cereal until they disintegrated into the 2% milk.<p>

Leonard knew from personal experience that finding love was difficult. And for someone like Sheldon the odds were downright astronomical. So when Sheldon admitted the night before that he and Amy loved each other, Leonard was naturally excited for him.

He was also thrilled with the possibility that under love's influence there might be a slightly calmer, less stringent Sheldon on the horizon. But that was still a tall order.

Taking another long sip, Leonard watched as Sheldon wrangled an "A" and an "M" together with his spoon. _Oh man. He's got it bad._

"Whatcha up to Buddy? Solving for Y?" He teased with a small smile, treading lightly in an attempt to engage his roommate in conversation.

Sheldon blinked as if he were coming out of a trance to look up at Leonard. "Are you addressing me?" He asked softly, looking a little dazed.

Deciding to leave his corny joke dead on the floor, Leonard changed the topic. "Sheldon, are you feeling alright? It's not like you to sleep in on a Saturday."

Sheldon turned his attention back to his cereal, "I didn't sleep in. I reconfigured my morning in order to do some research on the internet." He replied while dragging a "Y" through the milk to the other letters in his bowl. He briefly smirked at the name floating back at him before spooning it up and eating it.

"What were you researching?" Leonard asked as casually as he could, hoping the answer didn't involve looms or glowing fish.

After chewing and swallowing quietly, Sheldon glanced at the shorter physicist out of the corner of his eye, "Leonard, if you had the choice between two synthetic polymers, Polyurethane or Polyisoprene, which would you choose?" He asked timidly.

It was a random question, but random questions were not unusual with Sheldon. What was odd to Leonard was his obvious coyness. He inched towards his friend with a questioning look, 'You were researching synthetic polymers?"

Shrugging, Sheldon's eyes went to the ceiling. "Among other things ... I was just thinking of a hypothetical scenario. Let's say I was a surgeon who was allergic to latex and I was about to a perform delicate and invasive procedure. Should I use Polyurethane or Polyisoprene gloves?"

Baffled, Leonard moved closer, "You're not allergic to latex Sheldon."

Straightening up Sheldon continued, "Then what if the patient is allergic to latex? Anaphylactic reactions to latex can be severe and painful."

Leonard decided to play along as he pushed up the bridge of his eyeglasses, "I suppose it's the surgeon's responsibility to find out what the patient's allergies are."

"But what if the patient is unaware that she is allergic?" Sheldon asked with innocent concern.

Leonard squinted, "_She_?"

Sheldon swiftly stood up and snatched his bowl, bringing it to the sink to wash. "He, she … whatever … what if the patient doesn't know that they are allergic? In your opinion which is the most suitable alternative? Polyurethane is not as sensitive to temperature and ultraviolet light. However, it is less elastic than latex and is more likely to break. Polyisoprene on the other hand, while significantly more expensive…"

Leonard took a beat process the odd scenario presented to him but then smiled broadly with realization, interrupting the other man as clarity of the actual topic they were discussing set in.

"Sheldon Lee Cooper, are we talking about condoms?"

Suddenly alert Sheldon's eye ticked once. "No. My question was about gloves Leonard—hypothetical gloves."

"Riiiiiiggggght ..." Leonard continued to grin with a nod, "... for your delicate and invasive procedure."

Sheldon grew shy again as he vigorously scrubbed his bowl, "Of course we don't have to talk about synthetic polymers. There are a number of things we could discuss."

Leonard slowly followed his roommate to the sink, as if sneaking up behind a deer like Mrs. Cooper taught him to. He eyed the taller man, "For instance?"

Sheldon's jaw tightened before he forced another casual shrug, "Oh, I don't know … we can talk about the latest exciting issue of the Flash, Bernoulli's theorem in fluid dynamics or … or ... whether you think it is acceptable for an adult male to groom his pubic hair?"

Leonard tilted his head toward his roommate as though he misheard him, "I'm sorry. Groom his what?"

Now intently focused on the drain Sheldon cleared his throat, "I believe the common slang reference is _manscaping_."

Leonard's eyebrows instantly shot up nearly an inch as Sheldon continued.

"It is when a male trims, waxes or shaves unwanted body hair to reduce body odor ... and also for the aesthetic purpose of making certain areas more … appealing."

"Oh no, you haven't been talking to Raj have you?" The experimental physicist asked with a cringe.

After a disastrous best man speech during Howard's stag party, Raj had to be physically restrained by Howard and Stuart when he drunkenly attempted to hop up onto the table.

In his inebriated fervor, Raj insisted on showing his bros, right there and then, how he kept his nether region as smooth as a one of those hairless sphinx cats just in case Ms. Right came along.

Sheldon seemed to recall the same evening and shuddered, "I certainly did not talk to Koothrappalli about what he refers to as his ...", raising his fingers he air quoted, "… _silk coin purse_." This was immediately followed by Sheldon scrunching up his nose in disgust at the memory.

Clutching his mug, Leonard considered that perhaps he'd rather talk about synthetic polymers and hypothetical gloves then have the mental image of Sheldon manscaping his junk. "Sheldon, I don't think Amy is allergic to latex. Doesn't she wear latex gloves all day in her lab?"

Sheldon blanched, "Amy? Who said anything about Amy? I was just making polite morning conversation, you are the one having difficulty grasping the concept a hypothetical scenario!" Jumping as though he had been poked with a cattle prod, Sheldon speedily hurried towards the hallway.

Realizing he spooked the deer Leonard put his coffee down and moved to follow him, "Here we go ..."

Sheldon absent-mindedly mumbled under his breath, "I'm better off with the professional."

"The professional? What the hell are you talking about?" Leonard called out, practically jogging after him.

Sheldon sped up as he eye began to tick again, "I … I … don't have time for idle chit chat, Amy is picking me up soon and I have to get ready." He informed his roommate dismissively as he continued to briskly walk towards his bedroom.

"Sheldon, please wait." Leonard reached Sheldon's door just in time to have it slammed in his flinching face.

Standing outside Sheldon's door, Leonard couldn't help but be a little concerned for his friend. He knocked on the door gently, "Sheldon?"

"Go away Leonard! I told you have to get ready!" Sheldon shouted from the other side of the door.

"We can talk about hypothetical gloves or other things, if you need to." Leonard heaved a sigh as he rested his forehead on the door, "I didn't mean to … you can talk to me about anything you want." Stuffing his hands into the pockets of his robe, he continued, "And to answer your hypothetical question I use … _would_ use Polyisoprene gloves. They are pricey, but I would think it was worth it …" Quickly adding, "… if I was a surgeon, that is."

If Sheldon had to be yanked out of a ball pit over an equation and pounded on bongos when he missed his hair cut, Leonard shuddered to think what insanity this latest development would bring if it backfired. Sheldon had already gotten himself stuck in a window earlier that week. As funny as it was, Leonard wondered if it was a sign of more crazy to come.

What if Howard had made a fair point during game night? What if sex only made Sheldon—_Sheldonier?_

After a minute of silence, Leonard was about to make his way back to the kitchen when Sheldon's door cracked open, revealing a thin sliver of Sheldon's serious face, "Thank you Leonard. I appreciate that." He said meekly.

Leonard grinned sweetly at him, kicking himself for worrying over nothing, "Anytime Shelly."

The door was slammed shut again, startling Leonard.

"And that's all you get until next Leonard's day!" Sheldon's spat.

* * *

><p>Stepping out of the shower, a dripping Oswald snatched a fluffy white towel from behind the bathroom door and dried himself off. After wrapping it around his waist, he wiped down the fogged up mirror and was taken aback by his own reflection. He still wasn't use to the sight of himself with a black eye or the new haircut he got earlier that morning.<p>

"Well ain't you pretty?" He groused aloud as he ran a comb through his wet hair.

It hadn't been this short since high school, but his only client at the moment informed him the night before that she would prefer if he kept his hair short and neat. Of course there was to be no manly scruff on his face either. Having temporarily reestablished their business relationship for the short time she was in California, at triple his usual rate, he really wasn't in a position to refuse.

As he was about to reach for his electric razor when there was a loud knock on his front door. Still damp and clad only in his towel, Oswald made his way to the living area, "Who is it?"

There was a weird boyish giggle from behind the door, "This is Dale."

Oswald blinked in confusion, "I don't know any Dale. Sorry bro, you must have the wrong apartment."

The bizarre voice giggled again, "Are you Oswald?"

Oswald ran his hand over his unshaven face, "Please God, don't let this be another genius looking for sex lessons."

Opening the door, he internally groaned as he was greeted by a short dorky-looking guy with eyeglasses and a huge vacant smile on his face. His strange visitor was also carrying a large plastic shopping bag with "The Comic Center of Pasadena" sprawled across it.

"You're wet." The nerdy entity known as Dale observed, followed by yet another inane giggle.

"I just got out of the shower." Oswald explained impatiently.

Dale's empty face lit up, "I took a shower today too! Showers are great."

It was then Oswald realized that this kid was not playing with a full deck of Pokemon cards, "Okay …"

"Okay!" Dale parroted, still smiling. He then held up the plastic bag, "Special delivery for Oswald."

Oswald hesitantly took the bag from his awkward guest, "Delivery? Who is it from?"

Dale shrugged with a twitter, "I don't know." He then pointed to Oswald's face, "Hey man, you've got a black eye."

"I had no idea. Thank you for pointing it out." Oswald replied dryly.

The smile from Dale's face disappeared as he looked at the palm of his hand with intense concentration, "No, thank you for choosing for the Comic Center of Pasadena. Whether you are a hardcore fan or a curious noob…" He quickly switched to his other hand, "… we are your one-stop shop for all your comic book and gaming needs. Please come again. " He said robotically before turning to leave in the wrong direction.

Standing in his doorway, Oswald called out to him, "The elevator is the other way Dale."

Giggling loudly, he spun around and waved as he past Oswald, "I'm Dale."

Shaking his head, Oswald closed his front door, "Holy hole in a donut, that kid makes Sheldon look like … well … me."

* * *

><p>Rushing around Leonard who was working at his desk, a showered and dressed Sheldon threw his canvas bag over his shoulders.<p>

Typing furiously, Leonard didn't bother to face his harried roommate, "Is Amy waiting downstairs?"

Sheldon's mouth tightened as he crossed his arms, "No, I'm afraid not. Amy has just informed me via text message that she will be unable to pick me up. Apparently, your roughneck girlfriend and Howard's tiny bride roped her into their female tomfoolery." Sucking his teeth, Sheldon waved a finger down at the other man. "Honestly Leonard, get a handle on your woman before she utterly corrupts my girlfriend with her backwater nonsense. Now I am forced to find some other means of transportation to Amy's apartment." Sheldon paused and then snapped his fingers, "You need to drive me."

Leonard shook his head, "Sorry Sheldon. No can do. I need to crank out this article on electromagnetic fields in the next couple of hours or President Siebert is going to kick my ass on Monday." He stopped typing to glance up at an agitated Sheldon, "What kind of female tomfoolery?"

Sheldon rolled his eyes, "Who the heck knows? Over-spending on poorly made clothes or perhaps slapping a veritable rainbow of toxic chemicals on their toe nails …"

"Or they could have gone for some ladyscaping?" Leonard offered, "Women do that too you know."

"I did know that." Sheldon said in a soft defensive voice. Leonard noticed that his roommate's cheeks began to burn pink. Leonard was unable to contain another amazed grin as Sheldon's haughtiness faded, his eyes glazing into the distance as an impish smile curled his lip.

It was now clear to Leonard that he was thinking about Amy—possibly a silky smooth Amy.

"Sheldon, it has finally happened. Pinocchio has become a real boy." Leonard chimed.

Snapping back into his usual rigid state, Sheldon bristled at the remark. "There is no need to be insulting Leonard." He then charged out the front door only stopping for a moment to look back at his roommate, "And for your information. Pinocchio is a man ... with a full pubis of hair!" He announced before shutting the door behind him.

Leonard removed his glasses and rubbed his temples, "I could have gone my whole life without hearing that."

* * *

><p>"HOLY-FUCKING-SHIT-ASS-BITCH-FUCK!" Penny shrieked at the top of her lungs as she held her tanned legs to her chest.<p>

An apathetic looking spa employee, who was perched on a stool directly in front of the waitress, swiftly and efficiently yanked off the last long strip of wax coated fabric from between the Penny's taut thighs.

"Zat vus zee last von darlink." The red-headed woman said while passing the trembling blonde a hand mirror.

Catching her breath, Penny inspected her goods and nodded. "A perfect French wax … awesome job as always Monique."

"Naturellement," Monique shrugged. She then spun around on her stool to face the other two woman waiting in the small room, "Ooo iz next?"

Bernadette and Amy sat wide-eyed in quiet horror with their purses on their laps—pointing to each other.

Monique's eyes landed on Amy and narrowed in, "Per'aps ju vood like zee sphinx, oui?"

Amy gulped, "The sphinx?"

Bernadette leaned over to whisper in Amy's ear, "Just close your eyes, hold your breath and go to your mental happy place."

* * *

><p>Walking towards his kitchen, Oswald reached into the plastic bag and pulled out a plain cardboard shirt box. There was a small white envelope taped to the lid. He roughly tore it off, opened it and read the handwritten message.<p>

It was from the cold fish, otherwise known as Dr. Beverly Hofstadter.

"The woman wastes no time." He commented aloud. The renowned author was slated to visit Oswald in his apartment that very evening after giving a lecture at a local university. Oswald pried off the cardboard lid and unfolded the layers of white tissue paper, revealing the contents of the box.

Oswald groaned, despite her note he realized the package was not a gift or an offer of apology—it was a demand.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Long live the Shamy!<strong>_


	32. Service with a Smile

_**"The Big Bang Theory" and its characters were created by Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady. I do not to own, nor do I profit from TBBT or its characters. I also do not own the various other games, movies or TV shows I reference throughout my story. This is meant for entertainment purposes only. **__**This has not been beta read, so please forgive any typos on my part. **_

_**C****hapter 32 "Service with a Smile" **_

* * *

><p>"I am so proud of you Ames! You did great! You did even better than when we took you for your first bikini wax and no band-aids this time!" Penny said warmly, wrapping a single arm around Amy's shoulders as they walked side by side through the spa's lobby.<p>

As the pair made their way to the front desk, Bernadette took hurried little steps to catch up with them, clasping Amy's free hand, "How do you feel?" She inquired gently.

Trembling a bit, Amy swallowed down an involuntary giggle. She was unprepared for the agreeable sensations she was experiencing by simply walking, "In a word, exposed."

Trailing behind them with her arms crossed, Monique scoffed, "Ju wood dink she 'ad un bebe, it iz only 'air."

The petite blonde turned to glare up at the tall aestician, "What ever happened to service with a smile? Hmm?" Monique in turn forced a bright smile down at them.

Bernadette brought her attention back to Amy and patted her hand, "You were so brave. Gosh, I can't believe you let her take it all off. Everything ... whoosh ... gone!"

Flanked by her two friends, Amy shrugged, "I was too nervous to tell Monique to stop. Next thing you know, my nether region is balder than Picard."

Chuckling, Penny rubbed Amy's back, "Balder than Picard, huh? Sheldon sure is rubbing off on you."

"I thought that was the point?" Bernadette purred, curling her eyebrow up suggestively.

The waitress-slash-actress gave Bernadette a wink of approval before continuing, "Personally, I always have to keep a little something there. It's important to me to have evidence that I am a real blonde. Plus, my homunculus likes how it tickles."

Bernadette chimed in, "Yeah and with my height and voice, I'll take whatever I can get as proof that I am not pre-pubescent. But I have been considering getting a fun little shape for Howie as a belated welcome back from space surprise."

Amy blinked, "A shape? Like a quatrefoil?"

Penny leaned against the front reception desk and pulled out her credit card, "Bernadette means something like a heart or a star."

"Ooh! A star! My hunky astronaut would blow his top!" Bernadette beamed and she hopped on her toes, her little fingers playing with the sparkling pendant that dangled proudly from her neck.

"Still harping on that astronaut thing, huh?" Amy muttered to Penny before turning back to Bernadette while taking out her own wallet, "Isn't that rather impractical? How would Howard derive any pleasure out of your pubic hair being trimmed into a basic non-convex polygon?"

After signing her receipt, Penny drummed the pen on the desk, "How can I explain this … you see Ames … some men … well … it's like a carving a name onto tree or branding a heifer … they like the feeling that what is yours … is theirs." Quickly realizing that Amy looked even more baffled and a little panicked, Penny's nose scrunched, "Ugh God, that doesn't sound good does it? Lil' help Bernadette?"

"Oh no, I'm not touching that one …" Bernadette said shaking her head at Penny. "... branding a heifer, seriously?"

Amy's eyes regretfully glanced downward to her denim skirt, "Should I have gotten something Sheldon might have liked? He is rather fond of Heptagons."

Bernadette supportively reached for Amy's hand again, "I think, all things considered, taking it all off was probably the best choice given that your boyfriend is Sheldon Cooper."

"Trust us Ames, he'll like it." Penny smirked.

Growing impatient, Monique sucked her teeth behind the reception desk, quickly earning another scowl from the pint-sized microbiologist, "Zip it Frenchie!"

* * *

><p><em><strong>**Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, Domo, Domo ...<strong>__******_

With his face freshly shaven, Oswald rushed to his cell phone. He recognized that ringtone; it was the genius with the newly discovered penis.

"Ahoy!" Oswald answered warmly.

Sheldon's voice instantly replied back, "Oswald, did you know that when Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone …

Oswald interrupted with a loud exhale, "… he proposed answering it with "ahoy". Yes Sheldon, I knew that."

"Oh, well aren't we a know-it-all Nellie?" Sheldon grumbled on the other end.

Noting the time, Oswald peeled his towel off and threw it carelessly behind him onto his unmade bed, "Not really, I learned that little factoid from a client. So what's the 411, honey bun?" He asked Sheldon jovially as he sauntered naked into his walk-in closet. Oswald's dark eyes critically scanned the racks of designer suits and pressed shirts. It sounded like Sheldon was outside; he could hear voices and other street noises in the background.

"Amy was supposed to pick me up, but instead she was hijacked by two insufferable blondes that are hell bent on derailing my Saturday."

His mind straying with lurid thoughts, Oswald stopped short when a particular dress shirt caught his eye, "Oh, dear Lord! Amy Farrah Fowler with two blondes! Now that image has mouth-watering potential_._" He joked, mimicking Sheldon's tone and inflections almost perfectly as he pulled the shirt off the rack and held it up by the hanger.

"You were cautioned about that kind of talk as it relates to my girlfriend—I'll thank you to cut the sass." Sheldon warned with a hiss, he didn't have to see Oswald to know that the man was smirking. "I am on route to her apartment via the nightmare that is the public transportation system and I have a couple of questions ... well concerns before she and I attempt to renegotiate our relationship agreement to include … _you know what_."

"Oh boy, is that today?" Oswald replied sarcastically as he held the light grey button down shirt with thin black pinstripes; it was the same one Amy wore after her dress was ruined by flying tapas.

Oswald had read through that blasted agreement from cover to cover, the detail was excruciating. And try as he might, he still couldn't wrap his head around why Sheldon felt a contract was required to be in a relationship with someone as awesome as Amy Farrah Fowler.

"Yes, today is the day and I am determined that there be a binding agreement detailing the parameters before things accelerate any further. The sooner we come to mutual terms, the better …" He cleared his throat, "… especially after yesterday's events. That hotsy-totsy was in rare form ... she ... we have waited long enough." Sheldon said sternly.

It was then something suddenly occurred to Oswald, perhaps Sheldon's need for a binding agreement didn't come from a place of obsessive control, but simply of out the fear of losing Amy to someone else.

"What happened yesterday?" Oswald asked casually and then chortled. "Did you sneak a peek of her bare ankle or let her kiss you on the cheek?"

Sheldon lowered his voice to harsh whisper, Oswald could barely hear him through the background noise, "We engaged in erotolalia over the phone to completion. It was most exhilarating and afterwards Amy sounded … contented."

Oswald's eyebrows rose with interest, "You mean she came?"

He didn't need to see Sheldon to know he was blushing, "Yes … and last night there was also ... unscheduled and recklessly fervent … frottage. " His student confessed in a voice barely audible.

Oswald was surprised to feel his jaw tighten of its own accord. His grin faded as he hung up the infamous article of clothing. He hadn't seen Amy since their dinner at Casa de Sevilla. She had kept a respectful distance in deference to Sheldon, her boyfriend. So far he had been able to tolerate Sheldon and his peculiarities, some of which were actually endearing, but Oswald's patience was growing thin the more he considered Amy.

At that moment Oswald knew that he allowed himself to become excited at the thought of seeing her again. He felt a something like a rock plop into his gut.

_Sheldon is Amy's boyfriend and Sheldon is your friend. _

Literally shaking himself like a wet dog, he dismissed momentary wave of jealousy off, "Sheldon, you dry humping stud!" Oswald teased with a forced laugh. "A+ for you! "

* * *

><p>"Is anyone else hungry? How about we grab some lunch? It's on me." Bernadette offered sweetly as she pulled her curls into a ponytail, "I feel a little guilty about only getting my eyebrows done while you two were mugged by Monique."<p>

"I'm starved …," Penny admitted with a laugh, "… and I am a big fan of free food. How about it Ames?" She asked while fishing through her purse for her car keys.

Amy smiled as she adjusted the strap of her bag, "As much as I would enjoy breaking bread with my fellow menstrateers, I will have to take a rain check. I am meeting Sheldon and Oswald at my apartment in a short while."

Bernadette's face lit up with a huge grin, "Are you kidding? Your boyfriend and that fox you went to high school with? I thought you said that was a bad idea."

Amy shrugged, "Sheldon has made it abundantly clear that in order to move our physical relationship forward revisions must be made to the current relationship agreement. I will respect that, but I also want to ensure that my interests are acknowledged. So ... I've retained Oswald's services as an attorney."

"You what?!" Penny exclaimed with a dropped jaw, Bernadette clamped a tiny hand over her mouth in surprise.

* * *

><p>Sheldon had investigated the gigolo and uncovered the truth about the services he offered. Oswald figured that in Sheldon's haste he didn't bother to learn that the escort had earned an undergraduate degree, majoring in negotiation and conflict management as a precursor for law school.<p>

Oswald's father had been a brilliant, albeit stone cold attorney. And the older Montserrat was appalled when his only son announced during his college graduation party that would not attend Columbia Law as his father had, but instead would marry the red-headed vampire formally known as his high school sweetheart and work towards his dream of becoming a musician.

Incensed, his father cut all ties with him. Within the next three years both Oswald's marriage and his budding music career crashed and burned to the ground.

And the accomplished, stubborn and aloof Reginald Montserrat died of a massive heart attack without seeing or speaking to his son since that fateful party.

* * *

><p>Pulling out her own car keys, Amy couldn't help but grin, "What choice did I have? You both are aware that Sheldon is as shrewd as he is handsome. Normally, I can hold my own with him, but for something as important as this I felt I needed an advocate who will mediate the situation objectively."<p>

"How objective do you think Oswald will be?" Bernadette asked, "Based on what happened during your dinner with him …"

"Nothing happened." Amy maintained firmly.

Bernadette sighed but held her ground, "Amy, aren't you worried that you may be playing with fire? You must know that Oswald likes you … I mean, _LIKES_ you."

"So what if he does?" Penny snorted, "Meeting Oswald will totally screw with Sheldon's head and get him to realize that he's not the only fish in the sea, this is a pure genius tactic on your part. Way to play the game Ames."

Amy tensed, "Manipulation was not my intention, nor do I wish to lead Oswald on ..." She informed them sincerely, "… but you do bring up an excellent point Bestie." Twirling the strands of her long brown hair, Amy pondered aloud, "When Sheldon perceived Stuart as a romantic rival, the outcome was him asking me to be his girlfriend …"

Bernadette tilted her head, eyeing the neurobiologist, "And what do you anticipate the outcome will be if he perceives Oswald as a romantic rival?"

Suddenly aware again of the silky bareness between her thighs, she remembered how Sheldon stealthily removed Oswald's shirt in the middle of the night while she slept; Amy bit her lip and blushed profusely in response.

"Wow Ames, you have got some balls on you." Penny said as she jingled her keys in her manicured hand.

"Not yet she doesn't," Bernadette quipped with a giggle. Penny and Amy both gasped at the unexpected innuendo.

The tiny blonde dismissed them with a wave of her hand, "Oh hush, you were both thinking it too!"

* * *

><p>Staring at the red cotton t-shirt brandishing a lightning bolt on the chest as it hung in his closet, Oswald rubbed the back of his neck with a nagging sense if apprehension.<p>

Granted, it wasn't unusual for his more affluent clients to lavish him with the occasional pair of cufflinks or silk boxers. But this was a first for Dr. Hofstadter; she was all business during their past dealings in New York. Their "appointments" always and only included dinner, conversation and karaoke if the tequila had worked its magic. There was no sex and there were never any costumes—it just wasn't Beverly's style, at least not then. The woman's routine never deviated with the exception of their last meeting when she drunkenly endeavored to pull down the zipper of his slacks with her teeth.

He read her note again; it was somewhat cryptic but he believed he understood the meaning.

**_Salutations Mr. Knight,_**

**_It is a clichéd idiom, but I am pleased we were able to let bygones be bygones. There is an itch that requires scratching._**

**_–BH_**

Crumpling up the note, Oswald's broad shoulders dropped. Apparently the ice queen had thawed and was no longer content with their previous platonic arrangement. He guessed that Dr. Hofstadter was now ready to take full advantage of his goods and services.

Oswald didn't know why her demand had made him uneasy; he had worn far more outrageous ensembles for this other clients. Despite this, part of Oswald regretted reaching out and was tempted to cancel the whole thing and walk away without a dime.

He sighed; it wasn't as though she was unattractive. Quite the contrary, Beverly Hofstadter was a striking woman. She was statuesque, refined and utterly brilliant. Oswald had to admit her intelligence coupled with her effortless eloquence was appealing, albeit intimidating. In addition, it would be an easy six thousand dollars for just a few hours of his time and attention before she flew back to the east coast.

Oswald was becoming annoyed with himself and his hesitation, "It's just a job. Service with a smile." He reminded himself with a frustrated grunt as he shrugged on a navy blazer over a white dress shirt. Grabbing his wallet and cell phone, he plastered on a grin as his determined eyes glared back at him in the mirror before he headed out the door.

"You are a professional Mr. Knight. Wear the shirt, fuck her blind and get your money."

* * *

><p><strong><em>Long live the Shamy! <em>**


	33. Where there's Smoke, there's Fire

_**"The Big Bang Theory" and its characters were created by Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady. I do not to own, nor do I profit from TBBT or its characters. I also do not own the various other games, movies or TV shows I reference throughout my story. This is meant for entertainment purposes only. **__**This has not been beta read, so please forgive any typos on my part. **_

_**C****hapter 33 "Where there's Smoke, there's Fire" **_

* * *

><p>While propping up the folding leaf to extend her small dining table, Amy glanced at her oven clock. Sheldon would surely arrive exactly at their agreed upon time. That meant she had roughly twenty-five minutes to finish arranging lunch for three and freshen up.<p>

Making good time, all she had left to do was warm up her boyfriend's favorite dish on the stove. She mentally patted herself on the back for having the foresight to prepare the meal before meeting Penny and Bernadette. Amy turned the front burner on low and set down the stainless steel pot. Within a couple of minutes the distinct aroma of spaghetti with little hot dogs wafted through her apartment.

After stirring the pot, she grinned dreamily as she washed her hands and dried them on a nearby dishtowel. Amy was becoming increasingly anxious and supposed her nervousness was attributed to the fact that once the new and improved relationship agreement was signed, there would be nothing preventing Sheldon from taking that next step.

Her heart instantly fluttered at the possibility. They could unleash their desires that very night!

Amy needed to sit down; her nerves were positively ablaze with giddiness as her cheeks prickled with heat.

Stepping out of her flats, Amy decided that since she was ahead of schedule, five minutes to cool her jets would be no great crime. Besides, she didn't want to come across as jittery or overzealous, even if she was chomping at the bit to get her boyfriend alone again. Curling up on her sofa, she folded her bare legs under herself. Amy reclined in order to relax, closing her eyes, but calming herself was taking more effort than expected.

While attempting to slow her breathing, the actuality of what was about to happen began to sink in. Oswald Montserrat, the boy she longed for throughout high school was coming to her apartment and would meet the man she longed for over the last few years, her boyfriend, Sheldon Cooper.

Amy let out a long exhale, "This should be interesting."

Opening her eyes to look down at her watch, Amy gasped. It was nearly five to one. "How the … seriously?" She whined aloud pushing herself up off the couch, knowing she would have to skip dolling herself up.

Barefoot, Amy hastily fetched three dining plates from her cabinet and the silverware from her kitchen drawer and arranged them around the table. Only having two chairs for her set, she quickly dragged her computer chair and set it directly between them, figuring that is where Oswald would sit as mediator.

"Perfect." She confirmed with a nod, admiring her set table.

_****Knock Knock Knock** **_

It wasn't quite one yet, was Sheldon as anxious as she was? Amy smiled and waited for her name; when no additional knocks followed she determined that it must be Oswald. Making her way to her front door, she slipped her bare feet back into her bronze flats. "You are early Counselor." She joked as she opened the door. "I hope you like spaghetti …"

Amy's smiling face immediately fell at the surprising sight of Beverly Hofstadter standing in her doorway.

Dumbstruck, Amy gaped up at Beverly with disbelief. The woman that Sheldon considered a "marvel" donned a figure hugging cream colored sheath dress with snakeskin pumps that made her appear six feet tall, if not taller. She fiddled with her signature string of pearls as her sharp eyes, sans her eyeglasses, ran over Amy's smaller frame.

"My apologies Amy, I was unaware you were expecting company. I should have telephoned first." The regal-looking woman said in her cool monotone.

Unable to mask her displeasure, Amy glared at her questionably, "How did you know where I live? Did Sheldon give you my address?"

A husky chuckle vibrated out of the tall blonde, "On the contrary, Sheldon is unaware that I am here. I simply telephoned your laboratory and mentioned my name. They were more than willing to supply me with anything and everything I desired. Sometimes that's all it takes you know … my name …" Beverly's mouth curled in a tight smile, "… on second thought, perhaps you wouldn't know."

Amy cleared her throat loudly in desperate attempt to quiet her animal instinct to drag Beverly across the hallway by the roots of her hair and kick her down the stairs.

"I trust you've been well?" Beverly inquired through ruby red lips.

"Why are you here Dr. Hofstadter?" Amy asked flatly, in no mood for what she assumed was another game of cat and mouse.

Beverly's perfectly arched eyebrow lifted in response to Amy's tone, "Dispensing with the social niceties I see?"

"Pardon my abruptness Dr. Hofstadter, but during our last interaction you had the gumption to recommend that I be unfaithful to the man I love in order to satiate my sexual urges—so forgive me if I am less than thrilled that you have shown up unannounced at my door." She stated calmly, but her derision was evident.

"The man you love?" Beverly parroted back mockingly, "How droll you are Amy. Has anyone ever informed you that you have a tendency to wax poetic like a naïve schoolgirl? "

Beverly then opened her slim snakeskin clutch and plucked out a golden compact between her long elegant fingers, her nails were long and matched the red of her lips. "I suppose next you will tell me how you two plan on making passionate love on a bed of roses." She jibed disdainfully as she gazed adoringly at herself in the tiny mirror.

It was a bizarre and menacing sight; Amy didn't know Beverly Hofstadter very well but somehow the crimson smile and skin-tight clothes seem strangely out of character for the reserved middle-aged woman, especially in the early afternoon. Nevertheless, Amy took a purposeful step towards her, "It is clear to me that you don't know Sheldon half as well as you think you do. If you cared about him at all you would want him to be happy and I make him happy." She said firmly, raising her strong chin with defiance, "And I will continue to do so, in every imaginable way."

Tucking a few sandy blonde strands behind her ear, Beverly's face broadened with a malicious smile, "It would be tragic if it wasn't so absurd. My dear, you are a hobby—a fad. You are a mild amusement akin to his comic book collection. This temporary fascination of his will pass and you will be left wanting. Spare yourself the pain that will inescapably follow if you continue to force Sheldon towards your romantic adolescent fantasies."

"I have not forced Sheldon towards anything. He makes his own decisions." Amy's chest tightened with a mounting contempt. She wanted to scream at the top of her lungs on how it was only the night before that Sheldon had eagerly ground himself against her, as though he were a pestle and his mattress, a mortar.

Instead Amy chose to take a deep, cleansing breath, "What is it you want?"

Snapping her compact shut with a loud click and dropping it back into her purse Beverly straightened up, "I had thought that obvious. I want Sheldon Cooper, of course."

Amy's eyebrows furrowed angrily, "Well that is just too damn bad Beverly. Sheldon is not for you!" She was near shouting as she clenched and unclenched her hands at her sides.

The tall woman scoffed, "You cannot possibly believe that Sheldon is for you? You are destined to a life filled with mediocrity. Of course, there might be the occasional contribution in your field, albeit inconsequential. However, someone like Sheldon deserves a life partner that measures up to his greatness with their own. Honestly Amy, did you really think that Sheldon Cooper would seriously consider a short, homely, oversexed, slightly-above average neurobiologist as his mate …"

_***SLAP* **_

Time stood still for a moment as both women froze. Amy's right hand, moving quicker than her reason had reached up and smacked the smugness off of Beverly's now shocked face. The quiet that followed was deafening.

Amy's palm stung, she could only imagine how the other woman's face felt. She instantly regretted the action.

"I … I … am sorry Dr. Hofstadter." Amy sputtered, "My temper got the better of …" Suddenly, Amy heard her own voice cut off with a gasp.

Something was terribly wrong with Beverly's eyes. Her pupils appeared to have elongated into slits and her alabaster skin was unnaturally turning green and scaly. Amy quickly recoiled with a shriek at the sight of Beverly sprouting two snake-like fangs from her mouth as the apartment began to fill up with dense black smoke, assaulting her nostrils.

This was the moment Amy knew that she was asleep and having a nightmare.

"Wake up, wake up …" Amy stammered to herself as she pinched her arm.

She continued to back away in terror as her fork tongued visitor's legs fused together to create a huge, slithering red-lipped serpent woman. Beverly's sandy blonde hair had transformed into a tangled mass of golden snakes, each one red-eyed and hissing. Her long reptilian body thrashed against the walls, making a loud horrifying thump with each violent lash.

_***Thump Thump Thump* **_

"You insignificant little rabbit! I will swallow you whole and spit out your bones!" Taunting her, the monster pushed itself up, hovering above the smoke and towering over Amy, almost touching the ceiling.

"THIS IS A DREAM! YOU CAN NOT HURT ME!" Amy shrilled in an effort to convince herself that the danger was not real.

_***Thump Thump Thump* **_

The creature laughed as it made a quick jabbing motion towards her. Amy screamed as she fell back onto the floor, "WAKE UP! WAKE UP!"

With her long pearly fangs glistening with venom, Medusa Beverly lunged for her with a snarl, "Sheldon isssss mine!"

Amy finally awoke with shout, her forehead damp with perspiration as her eyes popped open. Panting, she quickly confirmed that she had indeed fallen asleep on her sofa. It was happening more often than usual due to her hectic schedule.

Moreover, the previous evening's unexpected make-out session, complete with dry humping did nothing to induce her sleep cycle. She was up half the night trying to imagine Sheldon's face in the dark, replaying the actions of his trembling hands. Unable to sleep, she took to scribbling ideas for the revised relationship agreement whilst half-watching the original 1981 "Clash of the Titans" on cable.

_**_***Thump Thump Thump* **_**_

Someone was violently hammering against her front door, as if they were trying to kick it in. The jarring noise made her leap off the couch in fright before she heard a gruff male voice, "Amy! Amy, its Oswald! I smell fire! I'm calling 911!" He bellowed from behind her door.

Amy rubbed her eyes under her spectacles and hurried to stop Oswald, she didn't need a run in with the fire department twice in one week. Almost tripping over her bronze shoes that she apparently never put on, she opened the door.

She was taken aback when a frantic looking Oswald charged in and embraced her, "Thank God! Are you okay? He squeezed her, "I heard screaming …"

Amy's neighbor across the hall, a frail elderly gentleman leaning on his cane, stood behind Oswald and looked on with concern, "This young man thought you were being murdered in here. Are you alright?"

"Yes, I am unharmed Mr. Lemonakos. It was just a nightmare … well technically a daymare, it's nothing. I'm fine—really." She said dazedly, hoping to reassure them both while weakly pulling away from Oswald, but his hold on her was fixed.

Sighing, Amy allowed herself to go slack, resting against his broad chest for a fleeting moment before her eyes went round with panic, "Oh no, the spaghetti!" Breaking away from the hug, Amy spun around and raced back to her kitchen. She was greeted by a growing gray cloud of smoke. Coughing, she tried to make her way to the stove.

Something was on fire; she could see tiny blue flames crackling through the smoke but it was difficult to determine the source.

"Do you have a fire extinguisher?" Mr. Lemonakos asked fretfully, as he covered his nose and mouth with his free hand. Oswald slipped off his blazer held it over his own face. Amy didn't respond, instead she was distracted by the empty dining table that she apparently didn't set either.

"Amy!" Oswald shouted. Her name was muffled by still loud.

Snapping out of it she nodded, "Yes, yes … I do have a small one. It should be under the sink."

As quickly as he could Oswald ran past Amy's kitchen counter and dove out of sight into the smoke. As Amy nervously wrung her hands she heard Oswald cough out, "Open the windows!" She complied and opened all of the windows along her living room wall; the dense air immediately began to thin out and eventually clear.

Oswald had effectively put out the small kitchen fire with Amy's household fire extinguisher, but also tainted their lunch and coated her stovetop with a layer of the foamy substance in the process.

Amy was thoroughly embarrassed, "I suppose in my haste to prepare everything, I must have left the towel a little too close to the burner and then fell asleep on the sofa."

"You must have been worn out." The elderly man said sympathetically, but then he shook a chastising finger at her, "That's no good young lady. They are working you too hard at that hospital of yours."

Amy exchanged glances with Oswald, who was smirking, "I don't work in a hospital Mr. Lemonakos. I work in a laboratory. I am a neurobiologist, remember?"

Her kind but absent-minded neighbor waved his hand dismissively, "Tomato, Tamato. I still say they got you working too hard!"

Amy reached for her garbage pail and dumped the ruined dish towel. "I didn't get an ideal amount of sleep last night, that's all."

Mr. Lemonakos grinned and wiggled his bushy eyebrows in Oswald's direction, "Is that so?"

Amy's eyes widened at the implication, "Oh no, nothing like that. This is Oswald, he's my friend. My boyfriend is Sheldon, whom you've met. And he will be here any minute. Oswald, this is my neighbor Mr. Lemonakos. He and partner live across the hall."

Offering a tip of an imaginary hat, Amy's neighbor smiled weakly, "Please, call me Theo."

Oswald gave the older man a playful salute, "Howdy Theo."

Looking confused, Mr. Lemonakos then slowly turned and moved towards the hallway, "Sheldon, Sheldon … is that the pale stick figure who bitched that my Marty's spanakopita smelled like unwashed feet?"

Walking over to help the old man along, Amy nodded. "Yepper, that's my man."

Peering over his hunched shoulder at Oswald once last time, he placed a shaking hand on Amy's forearm as she lead him to his door, "That's one good looking fella. Even with the black eye. Better keep that one away from Marty."

Amy blinked; taking in that Oswald did indeed have a black eye. But in the commotion she hadn't really noticed. Patting his hand gently, Amy humored her neighbor with a smile. "Theo, I assure you that Marty has nothing to fear from Oswald. He is a perfect gentleman."

Opening his own door, he leaned in and whispered, "It ain't Marty I'm worried about Sweet pea."

"Well, I'm sorry to say that Marty is in for some disappointment. Oswald is straight." She explained with smirk.

Waving his hand again, Theo let out a wheezy laugh, "That has never stopped Marty from shamelessly flirting. Such a dirty old man, but hey, what can you do? He's my dirty old man and I love him." Shaking her head amusedly, Amy bid Theo a good day and thanked him for his concern.

Upon returning to her apartment, she walked up to Oswald and gave him apologetic shrug, "Welcome to Casa de Fowler Senor Montserrat." She then looked up at the small white device secured to her kitchen ceiling with concern, "I wonder why the smoke detector didn't go off."

"Well, when was the last time you changed the batteries?" Oswald asked as he draped his blazer over the back on one of her dining room chairs.

Amy paused; Sheldon had repeatedly cautioned her about replacing the batteries in her smoke detector and even e-mailed her his household maintenance calendar. With a few minor tweaks to reflect her own needs, it now hung proudly on above her desk.

_He really is the best boyfriend,_ she thought. _So thoughtful._

With a puzzled frown she continued to stare at the smoke detector, "I changed them last month. I suppose I could have been so preoccupied lately with developing my presentation for work that I may have ..." Amy trailed off, deflating at the sight of her kitchen. The spaghetti, the salad, everything had been contaminated by the foam. "What am I going to do about lunch? I made Sheldon's favorite meal." She chewed her lip worriedly, "I wanted everything to be perfect."

Oswald walked up beside her as he unbuttoned his cuffs and began to roll up the sleeves of his crisp white shirt. "Do you have any eggs?"

* * *

><p>"Oh, great Caesar's ghost! Why did he stop again?" Sheldon whined, anxiously tapping his foot on the floor of the bus, "There wasn't even anyone waiting that time." He grumbled loudly.<p>

Standing up, Sheldon cautiously staggered his way to the front, "Excuse me, driver, is there a reason you insist on halting this rusted cesspool at every stop?"

The portly white haired man donning a uniform that was clearly two sizes too small for him tightened his grip on the steering wheel, keeping his eyes forward and gritting his teeth, "Sir, for the last time, this is the local, not the express. I have to pull over at every stop, whether or not folks are boarding or disembarking—those are the rules, okay? Now get back behind the yellow line, it's dangerous for both us for you to be up here talking to me while I'm driving. Next time you do it, I'll have to ask you get off."

Undeterred, Sheldon persisted, "Dangerous? I'll tell you what's dangerous, the questionable gasoline odor emanating from somewhere on this deathtrap. You would think our tax dollars would go towards equipping the public transportation system with those new energy efficient buses they have in other major metropolitan areas, not this rolling bomb waiting to blow us all to hell!" He spat.

A woman sitting directly behind the driver gasped, "Bomb! Is there a bomb?" Other passengers began to squirm and talk loudly amongst each other in reaction to her panicky fear.

The driver sighed as he glanced into the rearview mirror, "No Ma'am, please keep calm. There is no bomb." He then veered the bus to the right, pulling over to a random corner. "This is your stop sir." He informed the obnoxious commuter who had been complaining practically non-stop since he boarded.

Sheldon blinked in confusion, "But this isn't my stop. I still have twelve more blocks and that's roughly half a mile from where we appear to be."

"This is your stop sir," the driver repeated flatly, not bothering to look up at him.

Looking out the window, Sheldon tilted his head, "This doesn't even seem to be an official bus stop …" he suddenly paused as understanding flashed across his face, "Oh."

* * *

><p>Once the chaos of the frenzied moment had passed, the former classmates milled about in Amy's kitchen. As she busied herself with wiping down the stove and dumping the pot of ruined spaghetti with little hot dogs, Oswald cracked open several eggs into a glass bowl.<p>

"I am never that careless." Amy said softly, still baffled. "I can dissect brain cadavers with surgeon-like precision for crying out loud ..." She glanced up again, "... and I'm sure I swapped out those batteries."

Smiling at her, Oswald shrugged, "On the bright side, at least your clothes survived this time. Although I wonder what you'd look like in this." He teased, tugging at his own collar.

Amy let out a surprised chortle as she good-naturedly flayed his forearm with a fresh dish towel, "Stop that you devil!"

Reacting quickly, Oswald snatched the end of the dish towel and pulled her a few inches closer to him, grinning mischievously, "You're calling me a devil? Hey, I'm not the one who almost burned this place down hot stuff!" Hey then pulled her closer so that he could lightly smack the back of her hand, "Bad girl Amy, bad!"

Giggling, Amy twisted her hand away from him and caringly brought it to his face, "So, how did you earn this Counselor? Did you fall off the table at Casa de Sevilla?"

Oswald tensed; he wasn't prepared for her gentle stroke or the feeling it triggered in him. He had no witty retort; his mind went blank at the sensation of her fingers gingerly running down his cheek. He was so use to woman pawing at him, but this wasn't like that at all. Amy's touch didn't feel like a passive-aggressive hint that she was ready to take things to the bedroom. There was no lust or expectation there, just a simple gesture of kindness that made his stomach do a happy flip. Oswald hadn't even felt that with Janine, his ex-wife and financial thorn in his side.

Saying the first thing that popped into his mind, Oswald took a step back and reluctantly broke the contact as he made his way to her refrigerator, "Basketball. I… I was playing a game of one on one with a buddy and … I was elbowed."

Amy tilted her head with concern, "Well, that seems rather unsporting. How does one justify a maneuver like that?"

"He didn't mean to—it was an accident." Oswald fibbed as he pretended to search the shelves for additional ingredients, "He had the ball. I was at his rear, made a bad play for it and next thing you know I was on the ground. He was really sorry about it."

Crossing her arms, Amy frowned, "I don't know Oswald, sounds like a cheap shot to me."

"Yeah well, it happens. Maybe I deserved it." Quickly changing the subject, Oswald rubbed the back of his neck. "Where do you keep the veggies?"

Amy came up behind him, "On the bottom shelf, in the crisper." She attempted to peer over his shoulder, "What are you making anyway?"

Rummaging through the drawer, Oswald plucked out a red bell pepper, an onion and a large green zucchini. "In a pinch, one can not go wrong with an omelet …" Standing up, he turned and pointed the zucchini at her, "… and I make a killer omelet. One taste and I guarantee you'll be licking your chops and begging for more."

Amy swallowed, "Sounds great." Trying not to blush, she averted her eyes from the suggestive vegetable and proceeded to wipe down the stove again. "Do you need anything else for these mind-blowing omelets?" She asked jokingly, but her mood dampened again when she looked at the clock above the oven, Sheldon was late. And Sheldon was never late.

_Unless he is having second thoughts about the agreement_, she pondered.

Sheldon had already attempted once to bring their progression to a dead halt by insisting erotolalia had been enough. But once he was panting with arousal, hovering above her on his bed, he breathlessly recanted and admitted that erotolalia would, in fact, not be enough.

Amy bit her lip with a fresh wave of puzzlement. On one hand Sheldon had expressed his desire, on the other he had explained that he would not act on it until revisions were made to their agreement.

_So why isn't he here? Why hasn't he called? _

Dropping the damp sponge, she reached inside her skirt pocket for her phone. No missed calls, no texts. Amy's mind floated back to images in her disturbing dream. She hadn't given Dr. Hofstadter one serious thought since Sheldon professed, in his own way, his love for her.

Why was her subconscious bringing up the older, worldlier woman now? Beverly had never suggested she wanted Sheldon, only that Amy desist from pursuing a physical relationship with him, even if such a thing was none of her business_. _Amy gradually sensed that there was more than mere protectiveness motivating Dr. Beverly Hofstadter that night.

Just then Oswald said something and immediately Amy's head spun around. "She wants his what?" She gasped at Oswald as though he has made a scandalous statement.

Already speedily dicing the zucchini into thin slices, Oswald blinked at her innocently, "I just asked if you had any extra virgin olive oil."

"Oh … yes, let me get it for you." Amy replied while setting her phone down on the kitchen island. Oswald noticed the change in her demeanor; she didn't seem as easy going as she did a moment before. "Is everything alright? You look like something is bothering you?"

Amy removed a small green glass bottle from one of her cabinets and handed it to him with a sigh, "I suppose I am just nervous. I never thought … what I mean is, today is the day where everything could change for the better ... or everything could blow up in my face."

Placing the knife down and tossing the sliced vegetables into the bowl with the eggs, Oswald gave Amy a sideways glance, "So what exactly do you hope to gain from this negotiation? Your texts were vague and if we are going to develop a strategy, I need to know your terms."

"Oswald, you are here as an objective go-between, a mediator. I want the proceedings to be fair and unbiased. I don't see a need for a strategy." She said plainly.

He whisked the mixture, only pausing once to add some salt and pepper, "But you are forgetting that you also asked for my advice. Amy, after reading the agreement it's clear to me that Sheldon is the type of person who will obsess over unnecessary details, partly because he can't help it and partly as a way to stall."

Amy smiled at him; she was impressed, "I must say, that is rather astute considering you two have never met."

"What can I say? I am good at reading people." He quipped, "As a mediator, it's my job to guide both parties to a mutual understanding. But as your friend, I want you to get everything you want. You deserve to be happy …" He stopped whisking and sighed, "…even if it's not with me." He added softly.

"Stop teasing me Oswald." Amy chuckled, but her casual laughter soon died when she detected that he wasn't wearing his usual playful grin. He had grown quiet and solemn.

Oswald stood stationary, his jaw tightening as he stared into the bowl, "I use to walk into the cafeteria every day wondering what book you'd be reading. I loved how it was never the same book. I thought it was fantastic how you tore through them ... and how you would correct the teachers. It was clear to everyone that you were smarter than the faculty. And you were having none of their superior bullshit." He smiled to himself, "It was kind of bad ass."

Amy was astonished, "Wow, no one has ever called me a bad ass before. Although I will say that I can be pretty ruthless during game night. No one has ever been able beat me at Connect Four. Sheldon once said that I block my opponents at every turn like an atmospheric pressure field redirecting a migratory cyclone."

She was relieved when he finally smiled, "Well, you certainly are a force of nature." Oswald chuckled before continuing, "I know it was a long time ago, but do you remember our last day of junior year?" He proceeded shyly, "When I … smacked your butt?"

Pulling out a pan from her dish rack, she nodded. "Yes, I remember. You were incorrigible then, and still are I imagine."

Oswald leaned his palms against the counter, still looking down,"I was actually trying to talk to you. But the closer I got, the more nervous I became. I had planned on asking you to go to a movie or to the library. I would have done whatever you wanted to do. But nothing came out. My mouth went dry, my throat closed up and when I noticed the asshole jocks were watching me … I freaked out. I'm sorry I did that, it was stupid and inappropriate …"

Interrupting him, Amy placed a reassuring hand on his, "It's alright, I wasn't angry. Besides that was twelve years ago. Would it ease your conscience if I confessed that I had a huge crush on you all through high school? So much so that a spontaneous butt slap was the highlight of a lonely girl's year."

However, her confession did nothing to ease his conscience as he heaved another deep sigh, this time closing his eyes, "That night at the restaurant, I'll admit that I was being a show-off. I wanted to impress you, but I should have known better. You're not like other women Amy, you never were. And seeing you again that night brought everything back." Oswald opened his dark eyes and gazed down at the smaller hand that covered his with longing, "But I suppose that just means it never really went away, not even after twelve years."

Amy began to feel apprehensive as she searched his face, "Oswald ... I don't know what to say."

Turning his head away, he removed his hand from under hers, "You don't have to say anything Amy. Let's forget it, it doesn't matter now. Today is about you and Sheldon. High school was a long time ago."

Oswald decided to take a page from his genius student's book of logic. He then cleared his throat, pushing down his emotion. "You should call Sheldon and find out what's keeping him." He suggested matter-of-factly.

Amy's guts were churning, unsure as to how to proceed. She was torn between politely asking him to leave and offering him a comforting embrace. After a moment of tense silence, she finally decided to do as he suggested and call her tardy boyfriend.

"You're right. I should call Sheldon." She declared awkwardly.

"That won't be necessary Amy." An all too familiar voice rang out from her living room.

Oswald and Amy instantaneously looked at each other with wide eyes before slowly leaning over the kitchen island to see Sheldon standing by the open front door. His hands tightly wrung the single strap of his messenger bag. He face was unreadable; he wore no expression as he blinked back at them.

Before Amy could stop him to explain about Sheldon's mysophobia, Oswald quickly came around the island to him and extended his hand, "It's nice to finally meet you Sheldon."

"Amy, did you know that if one walks a brisk 2.5 miles per hour, they can cover half a mile in twelve minutes?" Sheldon asked his girlfriend calmly before shocking her completely by taking Oswald's hand, "But I wonder if that is as notable as one carrying a torch for twelve years?"

Amy's mouth opened but nothing came out. Sheldon's deadpan stare then passed from her to the man before him, squeezing his hand hard, "Oswald Montserrat, I presume."

* * *

><p><strong><em>Long Live the Shamy!<em>**


	34. Check Yourself

_**"The Big Bang Theory" and its characters were created by Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady. I do not to own, nor do I profit from TBBT or its characters. I also do not own the various other games, movies or TV shows I reference throughout my story. This is meant for entertainment purposes only. **__**This has not been beta read, so please forgive any typos on my part. **_

_**I am very sorry **__**for the obscene five month wait. I won't bore you with a contrite explanation. Just know that t**__**he hiatus is over. Thank you for your patience, please enjoy. Reviews are welcomed.  
><strong>_

_**C****hapter 34 "Check Yourself" **_

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><p><em><strong>New York City <strong>_

_**December 2006** _

"_I don't understand. Why are you doing this? You loved my songs, you said so." A thinner, wide-eyed Oswald Montserrat was unable to hide the emotional crack in his voice as he entreated a boardroom full of music executives for answers, but each spray-tanned face around the table was more impassive than the last. _

_The most leathery looking executive among them shrugged, "Don't get us wrong, we absolutely love your stuff. It's only that your sound is dated and too much of a hard sell in today's market. The public wants sweat and skin, not stardust and sweet nothings. They want electronic beats that drip sex. Sex is what sells Ozzie." _

"_Are you a producer or a pimp Curtis?" The aspiring musician snapped back in response to the bleak situation. He had sent out his demo to dozens of record labels and was rejected by all, except one. He was so excited and grateful to sign with Curtis's label that he barely noticed how he was being strung along from the start. For months this slimy, overpaid executive had been buzzing in Oswald's ear, stroking his ego and yammering on how they were planning a huge build up for his debut. _

_But now they were unexpectedly cutting all ties without any satisfactory explanation and a half-finished album that no one would hear. _

_Standing up from the table, Curtis offered another unhelpful shrug, "We took a shot and it didn't pan out." _

_The producer's blatant apathy did nothing to ease a downcast Oswald as his disappointment flared up into anger. Oswald could hardly believe it, how could they just drop him? He had walked away from his future as lawyer, was shunned by his father, all to pursue his dream. Oswald felt he had already sacrificed so much. Numerous late nights spent in the recording studio while juggling his shift as a short order cook just to keep afloat. His body and spirit were worn out, Oswald barely knew what day of the week it was.  
><em>

_He quickly stood in Curtis's way. "But you told me my sound was the next big thing!" _

_Without missing a step, the mogul walked around Oswald towards the glass doors, he was followed by his entourage of lackeys, "That's how we talk in the industry kid." Curtis replied flippantly, "You knew it was a roll of the dice. Now if you will excuse me, there is a flight to Barbados I need to catch." _

_Desperation seized Oswald, "Curtis, I am broke. I have bills and a wife to support …" He ran a frantic hand through his thick hair, "Damn it, what I'm going to tell Janine?"_

_The question stopped the older man in his tracks, he sighed, "Ozzie, let me give you some advice someone once gave me. Never take anything personally and never make anything personal. It's all just business. You have to look out for number one. Take what you want, when you want it. A good-looking woman like Janine sure as hell knows the score, so I wouldn't be too worried about her if I were you." _

_Oswald frowned with confusion while attempting not to stare at the obvious toupee perched on the man's head, "What the hell do you mean by that?" _

"_I'm sorry—really." Curtis finally said with an uncharacteristic flicker of sincerity before walking out of the boardroom. _

_Left alone, his insides churned as he tried to ignore the waves of nausea assaulting him. Oswald wasn't sure if it was from stress or hunger but all he knew for sure was that he was sick of it. He was fed up with trying his hardest, giving everything he had to give and still coming up empty. All he wanted was to make music and to give his Janine the kind of life she kept talking about. But now they would have to tighten their belts more than they already had and he would need a second job. _

_Not even having enough cash on him for subway fare, Oswald was forced to trudge through the city snow back to his apartment building, dreading the conversation he was about to have with his wife. _

_"Pop would be real proud." He sarcastically muttered to himself as his frozen hand worked the key into the old lock when he finally arrived at his front door. _

* * *

><p><em><strong>When last we saw Amy, Sheldon and Oswald …<strong>_

_Before Amy could stop him to explain about Sheldon's mysophobia, Oswald quickly came around the island to him and extended his hand, "It's nice to finally meet you Sheldon."_

_"Amy, did you know that if one walks a brisk 2.5 miles per hour, they can cover half a mile in twelve minutes?" Sheldon asked his girlfriend calmly before shocking her completely by taking Oswald's hand, "But I wonder if that is as notable as one carrying a torch for twelve years?"_

_Amy's mouth opened but nothing came out. Sheldon's deadpan stare then passed from her to the man before him, squeezing his hand hard, "Oswald Montserrat, I presume."_

* * *

><p>"Guilty as charged." Oswald joked. His dazzling smile was warm as always, albeit slightly strained. He was taken aback at first by Sheldon's unexpected force, but Oswald held his ground and refused to flinch in response to the crushing grasp his student had on his fingers. The whiz kid of the physics world was much stronger than his gangly frame would suggest. Oswald responded to the aggressive handshake with his own unyielding squeeze, Sheldon subdued a small yelp as he finally let go.<p>

"Of that I have no doubt." Sheldon replied between his gritted teeth, low enough for only Oswald to hear. The growl in his tone was an unsettling contradiction the disturbing blankness of his features. Giving his back to both of them Sheldon tossed a single, glittering key into the bowl by Amy's front door where it would wait for him until he was ready to leave.

Sheldon told himself it merely made logistical sense to have access to Amy's dwelling—in case of an emergency. However, he was acutely aware that to Amy, the presentation of her apartment key was a small milestone in their relationship progression, further solidifying their status as a couple to the outside world.

But for Sheldon, the connection he had with Amy could not be enhanced by a lone key or what it represented. Amy had enhanced him, nothing else. It was her friendship, her intelligence, her kindness that had increased his affection tenfold, not a blasted key. Sheldon's sharp blue eyes narrowed on the tiny thing as he attempted to steady his panicked heart with a single mantra.

_Amy loves me. _Amy loves me_. _Amy loves me_.  
><em>

Oswald Montserrat on the other hand, had not established himself as an honorable individual in Sheldon's view. During that vodka fueled evening in Oswald's studio, Sheldon had been emphatic that the gigolo steer clear his brilliant and beautiful vixen. But there he was, oozing charm and oiling his way around Amy's abode.

It was, in one word, unacceptable.

Turning back to them, Sheldon rubbed his aching fingers while eyeballing the unexpected third wheel suspiciously. It was agonizingly apparent to Amy and Oswald that Sheldon was not amused to see another man, especially this man, standing in his girlfriend's apartment.

Amy didn't particularly mind when Sheldon asserted his rights as her boyfriend, such as using the key she supplied him. However, there was always the slight chance that one day he could arrive unannounced to find her enthusiastically fighting gingivitis and moaning his name while she did it. In that situation, Amy assumed Sheldon would turn on his heel and scurry out the door, avoiding eye contact for several weeks afterward.

Still, with the fresh knowledge that Sheldon was now willing to explore his erotic side, a mental image of him sucking that delicious bottom lip into his mouth with a shuddering sigh as his lust-filled eyes studied her was unquestionably … _titillating_.

The mere notion of stimulating herself, indulging her exhibitionist side for his viewing pleasure made her lightheaded with the possible outcomes that could follow. Amy knew one thing for sure, her mother would be aghast if she knew. And that thought brought an instant smile along with it.

It took a forced cough from Oswald for Amy to realize that both men were staring at her.

_Check yourself, Fowler. _

Blushing, she blinked out of her glassy grin. She refocused on Sheldon, "Was your journey encumbered?" Amy inquired with a squeak. The sound of her cracking voice surprising her, she immediately cleared her throat before continuing, "We were becoming concerned. You are never late."

Sheldon inwardly cringed at his girlfriend's use of the word "_we_" when referring to herself and the interloper. "You are correct Amy. I am never late. However the bus I boarded was behind schedule. If you must extend your concern, then I suggest you direct it to the city of Pasadena. You should have seen the incompetent knuckle-dragger manning the helm of that over-sized tin can I was forced to ride."

Oswald couldn't help but laugh as he tended to his own hand, "Poor guy."

Sheldon removed his messenger bag and shrugged off his windbreaker, placing them gently onto Amy's sofa. Reaching into his pants pocket for his travel-sized hand sanitizer, he quickly slathered his palms with the clear gel. "No matter, I survived the ordeal."

Smirking, Oswald made his way back to the kitchen, "I was talking about the bus driver."

The retort earned the man masquerading as an attorney a scowl from Sheldon.

_What the devil is Oswald playing at?_

Sheldon's irritation stilled as he suddenly froze, sniffing the air curiously.

Amy observed that Sheldon look like an adorably irate bunny; there was a definite resemblance to Pierre.

"What in the world … was something burning?" The bridge of Sheldon's nose crinkled, "Is Ricky back?" He then blatantly thumbed towards the other man, "Honestly woman, as if one unwelcomed primate wasn't bad enough."

Amy clucked her teeth in disapproval, "Sheldon, there is no need for …"

"It was just a small kitchen fire. Nothing we couldn't handle. It went out pretty fast." Oswald interrupted Amy cheerily while shooting her a playful wink.

The inconvenienced physicist moved towards the kitchen, crossing his arms. His interrogating eyes bore into Oswald, "It appeared to me that you were fanning a flame rather than attempting to put one out."

It seemed to Amy that Sheldon all but hissed at Oswald, purposely over-articulating the words. Her back stiffened, she didn't appreciate the implication in her boyfriend's remark, "Sheldon Cooper, Oswald aided me in putting out a fire that could have done a considerable amount of damage to my home."

Sheldon's eyes continued to cut into Oswald with disdain, "Playing the_ knight_ in shining armor are we?"

Oswald tensed at the mention of his professional name, but kept an impassive smile glued to his face. The last thing he wanted was for Amy to discover his true occupation and Sheldon was well aware of that.

Not to be ignored Amy placed a careful hand on Sheldon's arm, his gaze immediately broke from Oswald at the contact, "I too could have been in serious danger if Oswald had not arrived when he did. I advise you to consider the next thing you say carefully." She said calmly, but her face wore a serious expression,"Very carefully".

Glancing at his heart's reason for beating, Sheldon scrunched his lips together remorsefully. Amy only ever spoke to him with such firmness when he had genuinely agitated or disappointed her and he simply could not afford another tiara.

Sheldon inhaled deeply before speaking, "Thank you for assisting _my_ girlfriend." His manner was still rigid, but his gratitude to the man was sincere. Oswald acknowledged him the nod with the full understanding that for the time being, that was as warm and fuzzy as Sheldon would get without a shot of vodka in him.

"Well, are you alright?" Sheldon asked his girlfriend a softer tone before scanning the compact space where Oswald stood. It was a dreadful mess. Patches of grayish foam clung to her stove and a portion of her kitchen counter.

"I am physically unharmed Sheldon, thank you. My heart rate remains slightly elevated, but that is to be expected." She gave her former classmate a tiny smile of appreciation, "Thankfully Oswald was able to extinguish it after the smoke detector failed to alert me. It must be faulty—there is no other explanation. I am certain I changed the batteries. I follow the household maintenance calendar you drew up for me diligently."

Sheldon was relieved that Amy's voice had returned to its normal pleasing register. It also warmed him to know that she appreciated his gift. However, he would ignore her praise of another man—especially this fraud who was making himself entirely too comfortable in his girlfriend's home. What was supposed to be an intimate tête-à-tête between he and Amy had unexpectedly become a game of three-dimensional chess.

_Unfortunately for you Oswald, I am a chess grandmaster._

Looking up at the slightly scorched smoke detector, Sheldon shook his head disapprovingly. Amy's landlord was in for a doozy of a sternly worded letter.

It was at that moment Sheldon's face spread into an impish grin as an idea struck him. If he couldn't expose this man as a charlatan without revealing his own subterfuge, then he would settle for exposing Oswald's ineptitude when it came to the law. Sheldon mentally scoffed at the thought of Oswald attempting to pass for an attorney. It was obvious to the physicist that the man wouldn't know the first thing about legalese if it jumped up and bit him on his toned and tanned hiney.

"I suggest you contact your landlord Amy. I believe the law requires landlords to maintain smoke detectors in working order by testing them regularly. If you wished to, you could pursue this with legal action. You may have a case. What do you think Mr. Monster Rat?"

Sheldon's exceptional mind had begun to spin a trap as his chest puffed out smugly. If caught off-guard and put to the test, Oswald would surely slip. Amy, in turn, would see for herself that asking for Oswald's counsel had been a mistake. The genius decided he would use his own knowledge to pick his challenger apart until there was nothing left but a puddle of hair gel.

It was a flawless plan.

Setting up her dining table for the three, Amy paused to look at Oswald, who stood motionless with eyes wide and unblinking. Sheldon restrained a delighted giggle at the thought of making the escort squirm. It was a glorious pause rife with tension.

_Rook takes pawn, you presumptuous orangutan. _

Thawing out from his rigid state, Oswald thoughtfully chewed his lip while pouring his omelet mixture into a sizzling cast iron pan, "Sheldon …"

Sheldon quickly thrust his hand up to halt the fraud, "Dr. Cooper" he corrected authoritatively. He hadn't forgotten the conversation he walked in on just moments before. In fact, Sheldon would never forget it. It was like walking into a nightmare, minus the Gorn. To think he had trusted this man; revealed things to him he hadn't confessed to anyone. And now this prostitute in sheep's clothing had the gall to admit having amorous feelings for Amy, _his Amy_. Sheldon internally patted himself on the back for having the precognition to give Oswald a black eye he undoubtedly deserved.

_That will teach you to maneuver yourself between a superior intellect and his mate. It's your move. _

Sighing with mild amusement at the correction, Oswald continued, "Dr. Cooper, if I may point out one small boner? Landlords are only obligated to test the smoke detectors prior to each new tenant moving in. They are not required to test them regularly as you said. Nevertheless, California habitability law clearly states that landlords must repair any inoperable smoke detectors free of charge once they obtain notification of a defect." Wrapping a dish towel around the handle of the hot pan, Oswald flipped the golden omelet over in one quick, confident gesture, "Keeping that in mind, a tenant shouldn't delay in contacting their landlord. Renters also have a responsibility to provide their landlords with timely notification of any inoperable detectors inside of their apartment. A landlord is not in violation of the state smoke detector law if they did not receive notification of defect from her tenants."

Then as if he could communicate telepathically, Oswald turned his face away from Amy and locked his dark brown gaze with his student's bright blue, flashing the most infuriating smile.

Sheldon's eye twitched_. _The affronted genius repeated Oswald with a tilt of his head, "One small … boner?"

"It's a slang word Sheldon." Amy explained, "In this instance I believe Oswald is using in place of the word error or mistake, but most use it to describe ..."

Sheldon quickly cut her off with a forceful wave of his hand, "Yes, I am aware how to utilize a boner."

Amy muffled a tiny gasp with the tips of her fingers, but her bright green eyes lit up in surprise. Quickly catching the slip, Sheldon tightly pressed his lips together before speaking again, "I am aware how one utilizes the _word_."

With red cheeks, Sheldon returned to his bag, half tempted to chuck it at the other man's head. Instead, he removed his trusty notary stamp and a yellow legal-sized notepad. Intermittently he studied Oswald with sideways glances. The intruder had begun to leisurely work on another omelet.

"Also, it's pronounced _mawn-ser-rrrrrrrrrraht_." Oswald purred, making a point to exaggerate the "r" with a long roll of his tongue. Sheldon's stomach tightened, knowing that it was a veiled reference to his mango lesson earlier in the week.

_Knight takes Bishop. _

"That was most instructive, thank you Counselor." Amy smiled before placing the final touches on her set table. She then walked towards the kitchen, "Although I am surprised you know about California habitability law, aren't you a divorce lawyer?"

Sheldon watched Amy intently as she assisted Oswald in the kitchen and perked at up her inquiry. It would seem a glimmer of hope had presented itself.

_Queen threatens Knight._

Settling himself in his preferred spot at Amy's dining table, Sheldon pushed up the sleeves of his yellow thermal, "Fascinating, I thought your guest was a contract attorney." Sheldon sat up rigidly, tapping his long fingers on the table and feigned a deep interest in the man, "What is your field of law Mr. Montserrat?"

It was Oswald's turn to scowl as he tossed another omelet into the air, the acrid smell of smoke had been replaced by the aroma of cooking eggs and herbs. Sheldon tried in vain to silence his growling tummy, but his body seemed determined to disregard the patented Sheldon Cooper self-control. It was a phenomenon that was occurring entirely too often. _Gracious, that really does smell yummy. _

"My father was a real estate lawyer. He handled mostly high-end commercial properties, but there were a few apartment complexes thrown in there. Pop lived for his job, so in our house you either learned to talk about the law or you didn't talk. He was obsessed with it."

Amy casually put away the various seasonings in her cabinets,"Was? Is your father retired?"

"In a manner of speaking, you can say Reginald Montserrat has retired from this mortal coil." Oswald answered dryly as he plated their piping hot meals and brought them to the table, lining up all three plates up one arm and balancing them with ease.

"Your father is dead?" Sheldon asked bluntly, but with innocent eyes. His strong jaw tensing at the directness, Oswald nodded in confirmation before presenting his student with lunch,"Please enjoy the blue plate special Dr. Cooper."

Sheldon sniffed at the plate. He couldn't help licking his lips as thin whisps of steam rose from his omelet. "It's almost two in the afternoon. Normally, I wouldn't eat what I consider to be breakfast past eleven. But I will admit, this doesn't look entirely unappetizing."

"Well, I will take that as high praise coming from you. Now eat up before it gets cold." Oswald commanded playfully while patting him on the back.

Amy took immediate notice of the contact, "It looks delicious Oswald." She half expected Sheldon to bristle or screech like an offended cockatoo, but was both relieved and intrigued when he didn't.

"It was my pleasure Senorita. Buen provecho."

Amy twittered, "Gracias."

Glancing up at them, Sheldon grew uneasy again when he noticed the faintest smile curl Oswald mouth. He was watching Amy breeze by them to retrieve something from her desk. The warm expression aimed at his girlfriend popped any bubble of empathy he might have felt towards the man.

_What right does he have to look at her that way? __Knight captures Queen? I think not.  
><em>

Sheldon set his sights back on what was his, "Amy, I was under the impression that it would be just the two of us this afternoon."

Removing her own small notepad from a drawer, Amy blinked curiously at her boyfriend, "I did inform you that I would seek out counsel for our renegotiation, did I not?"

Sheldon nodded grudgingly, "Yes, you did. But we are a team, are we not?"

"Of course" Amy confirmed with a playful salute to lighten the mood as she joined him at her table. "But a team can be more than two when the need calls for it Sheldon."

Repressing a tick, he continued, "I am at a disadvantage. Had I known you were hell-bent on retaining a lawyer, I would have hired my own. This hardly seems fair."

"His presence is to benefit both of us Sheldon." Amy explained with a reassuring smile, "Oswald is here as an objective mediator who will oversee the renegotiation process and make certain we are mutually satisfied with the modified terms and additions."

"But we don't need anyone else!" Sheldon's voice shot up an octave higher, "How could this outsider be of any assistance to us? He is an omelet-flipping pirate who has been attempting to seduce you right out from under me!"

Amy's eyes went round. "Sheldon!"

Standing between the seated would-be lovers, Oswald's carefree veneer finally cracked. His defensiveness was finally triggered, thanks to the abrupt accusation. "You've got to get her under you first, you anal retentive android!"

Amy's mouth went round as it dropped. "Oswald!"

Sheldon rolled his eyes, "Oh my, innuendo. How refreshingly original."

His dark eyes narrowing on Sheldon, Oswald practically growled, "I bet if I shoved a chunk of coal up your ass, in a year I'd have a diamond!"

"You insult me sir, I could do it in six months!"

"What!?"

"CHECKMATE! I WIN!" Sheldon suddenly announced, shooting himself up from the table, throwing his hands in the air to declare victory.

"SHELDON COOPER!" Amy exclaimed, truly rattled. She took a steadying breath, "Let's just take a moment to settle the room, shall we?" Looking up at Sheldon with a mix of concern and irritation, she continued, "I don't know what you think was going on when you arrived, but know this, Oswald Montserrat has been nothing short of a consummate gentleman. He is my friend. You are my boyfriend and I intend to keep it that way."

Oswald pinched the bridge of his nose as he sat himself down, "And my only intention is to help a friend."

Reluctantly, Sheldon returned to his seat, still glaring at the man. "The road to hell is paved with good intentions."

Turning his chair to face Sheldon, Oswald leaned in purposefully. "I promise, I am all business. Now why don't three of us have a nice lunch and talk about this agreement, okay?"

"Okay!" Amy chimed in eagerly. She then reached for Sheldon's hand. "Sheldon?"

Sheldon's bottom lip jutted out, squeezing the tiny fingers wrapped around his. He looked up into her loving, hopeful face and felt himself melt inside.

"Okay." He agreed, still pouting.

With relieved sigh, Amy's radiant smile returned. "Oh, I almost forgot the Yoohoo. I'll be right back." Excusing herself from the table, Amy practically skipped to the refrigerator.

"You better be all business or you'll have a matching set." Sheldon muttered his threat to Oswald, pointing to the gigolo's good eye with his fork.

Oswald lowered his voice down to a whisper. "I know what you must be feeling, but you have my word Sheldon. I would never ..."

"What good is the word of a whore?" Sheldon cut him off. "You betrayed me. You couldn't possibly know what I am feeling?" Sheldon then stabbed his omelet.

Surprised and hurt, Oswald leaned back against his chair. His dark eyebrows came together as he turned his attention to the plate in front of him. After aggressively shaking out his napkin, Oswald draped it over his lap. "You seriously need to check yourself Sheldon. One day you'll learn that not everything is what it seems, but by then you may be out of moves."

When Amy returned to them, she watched in wonderment as Oswald and Sheldon eagerly tore into their lunches like a pair of vikings.

_Perhaps this won't be so bad? Perhaps they can even be friends?_

* * *

><p><em>"Baby, I'm home." The exhausted man called out while stomping clumps of grey snow off of his red converse sneakers. There was no response except for the wet hiss coming from the radiator. "Hey, it looks like the landlord finally got off his ass and fixed the heat." He said aloud with a smirk as his tossed his second-hand coat unto their second-hand couch, still there was no reply.<em>

_Blowing out warm puffs of air onto his cold fingers, Oswald sensed something was off as he drifted through their tiny living room; it was unusually quiet. Janine normally had their small television blasting at a thoughtless volume or was busy gabbing away on the phone, obliviously running up the bill._

_"Janine?"_

_It was then he noticed a small white envelope on the coffee table, as if it had been waiting for him. He immediately recognized his wife's handwriting. Oswald stared down at his name for several seconds before reaching for the envelope with reluctance. His hand involuntarily stiffened before he could pick it up. After sucking in a cold, sharp breath, Oswald forced himself to snatch the envelope and open it roughly._

_As quickly as he could, he read it all. He then blinked rapidly with disbelief as he read it a second time._

_Oswald stood motionless, staring at the note in his hands. The message had become blurred as he tried to read it a third time, hoping that the words would magically change or even disappear. He strained his vision, attempting to focus but it was no use. Angry, hot tears had welled up in his eyes._

_"It's all just business." He growled aloud while ripping the note in half._

_The single page letter was a confession and a goodbye. _

_Oswald's wife had left him for another man. Janine had skipped town on Christmas Eve and was on her way to Barbados with Curtis. _

* * *

><p><strong><em>Chapter 35 in the works. LLTS! <em>**_**Again, reviews are welcomed.**  
><em>


	35. Use the Force

_**"The Big Bang Theory" and its characters were created by Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady. I do not own, nor do I profit from TBBT or its characters. I also do not own the various other games, movies or TV shows I reference throughout my story. This is meant for entertainment purposes only. **_

_**This story has not been beta read, so please forgive any typos on my part. Thank you for your patience, please enjoy.  
><strong>_

_**C****hapter 35 "Use the Force" **_

* * *

><p>Amy frowned after taking a sip of her ginger lemon tea. The deep gold liquid was now annoyingly tepid, much like the negotiation process.<p>

Once they had filled their bellies with a satisfying lunch, the trio found themselves facing an awkward stalemate. Almost two hours snailed by and the surface had been barely scratched. This was all thanks to Sheldon's insistence on clogging the new amendment with tedious sub-sections.

Capable of grasping his winding rational better than most; Amy had no doubt Sheldon believed he was keeping true to his promise. Nevertheless she was disenchanted; realizing Oswald's earlier predication had been spot on. It seemed as though Sheldon was using every opportunity he could wrangle to stall putting ink to a new finalized agreement.

Attempting to ignore the cloud now hanging over her; Amy forced herself to gulp down the remainder of her drink to keep from sulking.

When Sheldon confessed that he was finally ready for the horizontal rumba Amy was naturally overjoyed. However, she was also more than a little skeptical. So after the delicious morning erotolalia and their clothed tussle in the dark, Amy assumed she would never again have to question Sheldon's physical desire for her. And yet his excruciating attention to inconsequential details ignited that old familiar insecurity.

To Amy, there was only one thing she desired more than Sheldon Cooper, and that was for Sheldon Cooper to desire her just as passionately.

As much as she hankered to wrap her limbs around his lanky frame like a spider monkey, it was essential that Sheldon did not feel as though he was surrendering just to keep her as an appeased fixture in his life. Then and there, Amy's mind and heart were in complete agreement about one thing—she would not compromise one iota of their emotional or intellectual connection for a physical one if he was merely complying with hitting the sheets. She would not and could not lose Sheldon Lee Cooper to misguided reasoning.

As one dainty hand cradled her mug, the fingers of the other drummed fretfully against the table. "While I am excited that you are willing to explore this new side of our relationship, I have some misgivings about your proposed additions …" Her jittery hand then reached for the perplexing draft of her boyfriend's stipulations, "… and frankly, I fail to see the point of precoital diaphragmatic breathing exercises."

After swallowing down mouthful of chamomile tea to calm his lingering uneasiness Sheldon audibly exhaled, resenting how he continually was forced to explain himself during this process. He assumed that Amy, having a keen intellect of her own, would accept his revisions without question.

To Sheldon, the practicality was undeniable. Surely Amy could see the wisdom carefully woven into his additions? They were two of a kind after all. Kindred spirits with a kindred brilliance.

The genius surmised that if everything met his explicit specifications there would be little probability for error. It was imperative that all circumstances surrounding each sexual encounter be impeccable. Sheldon's mind and heart were in complete agreement about one thing—he would not tolerate anything less than perfection from himself. He would not and could not lose Amy Farrah Fowler by being an uneducated lover.

"There have been medical studies suggesting that deep breathing exercises done prior to any physical activity can be beneficial to one's health. It serves to oxygenate the muscles and increase metabolism, causing the body to burn more calories."

"Oxygenate the muscles and increase metabolism …" Oswald echoed, imitating his student's inflections masterfully before shaking his head, "Are you her boyfriend or her personal trainer?"

Taking a long pause to turn his head, Sheldon glowered at Oswald, "Does counsel have any objections?"

The handsome mediator shrugged with indifference, "It's up to Amy to voice her objections, if she has any." Rubbing his chin, Oswald felt his light stubble prickle his fingertips; he mentally noted he would have to shave again before meeting Beverly. "I am here only to ensure that both parties come out on top."

"That topic will be addressed on page twelve, paragraphs one through five." Sheldon replied with a dismissive wave. "Right now we are discussing preparation."

Confused, Oswald gently took the velo-bound document from a troubled Amy, flipping through it until he found the passage his student was referring to.

"Don't skip ahead!" Sheldon snapped with a commanding stomp of his foot under the table.

The escort's mouth slowly fell open as his dark eyes scanned the page, "Approved sexual positions and assigned days of the week?!" He read aloud, "The first Monday of every month will be known between the "boyfriend" and the "girlfriend" as Missionary Monday. This is, of course, contingent on whether both parties are in good physical health and the "girlfriend" is not menstruating."

Oswald balked at what he just read, "You are unbelievable."

"Well now you're just stating the obvious." Derisively shaking his head, the physicist snatched the document from Oswald's hands.

Amy removed her eyeglasses to massage her temples; she could feel a headache closing in and was determined to keep it at bay, "Hold on, burn more calories? Sheldon, are you somehow suggesting that I need to lose weight?" She asked while making a concentrated effort not to sound shrill.

Sheldon quickly responded with a suck of his teeth, "Of course not Amy, but you said it yourself; the act can go beyond mere satisfaction, especially when we consider how remarkable we are. Having thought about it, I now undoubtedly agree and see no reason why intercourse cannot serve more than one purpose. Now, according to these same studies, one can burn between 144 to 202 calories after only thirty minutes of continuous physical activity. Do you know what that means?"

Almost afraid to ask, Amy's brow furrowed, "What does it mean?"

A proud smile bloomed on Sheldon's face, "It means we can compact our encounters into convenient thirty minute increments for easy, no-fuss scheduling! We only have to make minimal changes to the schedule we currently have in place." Literally reaching across his own chest to pat himself on the back, the physicist beamed, "Take that disorganized fornicators!"

For Amy sake's, Oswald refrained from rolling his eyes in disbelief, taking notice of how increasingly anxious she was growing. Apparently, planning a sex life with the love of her life was not turning out to be the sensual à la carte feast she fantasized about, but rather a prepackaged value meal from a fast food chain.

Abruptly, Amy stood up from the table and slid on her eyeglasses, "I am getting another cup of tea." She announced flatly.

With a self-satisfied hum, Sheldon moved his attention to Oswald. "It appears that I have this under control. Your services are no longer needed today or ever again."

Unresponsive, Oswald squeezed his lips together and waited. Once Amy had her back turned to refill the tea kettle he roughly grabbed Sheldon by the neck of his t-shirts and yanked him forward, mere inches from his own face. With a harsh whisper he questioned the methodical madman. "Why are you making Amy jump through these bullshit conditional hoops? I thought you were ready get physical."

The smile gone and his eye furiously twitching, Sheldon scrunched up his face away from Oswald's; he was so close that the ruffian's woodsy aftershave was invading his nostrils, "Indeed I am, but I wouldn't expect a caveman who rents his genitalia out like a pair of bowling shoes to understand my superior logic."

His grip firm, Oswald persisted, "This isn't about your damn logic Sheldon. Making love is not the same as a spin class. And you sure as hell don't schedule it when it's convenient for you. Are you intentionally trying to screw this up?"

Murmuring, Sheldon feebly attempted to pry open Oswald's hand to release him. "That is rich coming from you. Aren't all your encounters scheduled? Now unhand me, you unneutered stray."

There was a soft, unexpected female yawn and the pair immediately tensed. Glancing in Amy's direction both men exhaled in relief when they saw the lady of the house was preoccupied with rummaging through her vast collection of flavored teas.

Freeing his shirt Oswald let out a low, exasperated grunt. "Please try to get this though that thick skull, what I do is not making love. I haven't made love in a very long time." He then apologetically smoothed out the patch of fabric he had balled in his fist, "Do you know why I came here today Sheldon, even though you asked me not to?"

"I told you not to. It wasn't a request. And stop touching me. Who knows where that hand has been …" Sheldon grumbled, "Or _who_ it's been in."

"Damn it Sheldon, you are blowing this way out of proportion, the truth is I came here for Amy …"

"The truth is that you are love in with _my_ girlfriend." He whispered back angrily, his blue eyes now burrowing into Oswald's. "Of all the low down dirty snakes in the grass, you are the low down dirtiest Oswald Montserrat. It makes my skin crawl when I think how I considered you the Obi-Wan to my Anakin ... the Yoda to my Luke ..."

Oswald squeezed his fingers firmly around Sheldon's shoulder, "Pipe down, I wasn't finished. I know I've said the only reason I would help you was for Amy, but that's not the case anymore. I came here for you too. If someone as special as Amy loves you, then that must mean you are pretty special. And even though you've got murder on your mind now, you trusted me once. It's hard to describe what something like that means to ... someone like me. Sheldon buddy, this isn't easy for me, but you're a smart guy and I hope you understand what I'm trying to say."

Sheldon temporarily phased out of his irritated state to study the man who claimed to be his friend. A moment passed before a smug smile tightened Sheldon's mouth. The physicist then nodded as if suddenly everything made perfect sense, "Well, well, well, I must admit this is an unexpected revelation on your part, but I suppose, not entirely surprising. Oswald, while I realize that I am quite the catch …"

Oswald squinted warily, realizing the hushed conversation had made a sharp turn and was veering in the wrong direction, "Whoa, wait a second Shel …"

Raising his hand to hush the man, Sheldon continued with a patronizing whisper, "Please, don't beg. I am strictly a one woman physicist. But don't be too discouraged. The likelihood may be slim, but I am sure somewhere out there is a dubious character willing to overlook the fact that you are damaged goods. Nevertheless, I unavailable and that is that."

Oswald gave Sheldon a playful shove away from him, "Dude, I wasn't flirting. I was trying to say that in my line of work friends are rare …"

Sheldon remained somewhat unconvinced, "Are you sure? Consider the facts, I am successful in my field, I have exemplary hygiene and during one particular date night, Amy informed our waitress that my ba-dunk-a-dunk was manna sent from heaven. Granted, she was a little inebriated at the time and I am still uncertain as to what a ba-dunk-a-dunk is exactly, but I am sure she meant the comment as a positive. No one would blame you Oswald; I am an irresistible delight. But let's be clear, our relationship is a platonic one."

Too tickled with Sheldon's enormous ego to be annoyed, the escort reclined back against his chair, "Believe me, I was not coming on you." Thumbing in Amy's general direction, Oswald smirked,"Not to say you won't be a raging stud when the right configuration of buttons is finally pushed, but I am not remotely interested in cracking the code for Cooper cock. "

Eyes slightly bulging at the vulgarity, Sheldon stiffened, "There is no need for the sailor talk. I suppose we can both share the blame for that little misunderstanding, Mr. Grabby Hands."

"Care for another cup Sheldon?" Amy's asked in-between blowing on her steaming mug, turning to face them, "I have recently purchased a sampler box of exotic black teas if you are in an adventurous mood." She offered with a wiggle of her eyebrows.

Sheldon returned his attention to the unsigned amendment, "No thank you. My current chamomile is sufficient. You are well aware that I don't do caffeine."

Oswald observed his pupil for a moment; the man was transfixed on the document. Sheldon had drafted the language and yet his eyes scrutinized the words over and over.

Thwarted, Amy turned her attention to her former classmate, "How about you Oswald, care for a cup of tea?"

It was then Oswald believed he understood, or at the very least developed some sort of theory. It wasn't Sheldon's lack of desire or even his phobias that were preventing him from moving to the next level anymore. Maybe it was his uncompromising quest for control and perfection? He was behaving as though sex was an equation to be solved, rather than an experience to be shared with someone you desire.

"I am not much of a tea drinker Amy, but I am feeling rather adventurous—any recommendations?"

She pondered for a moment after taking a thoughtful sip, "Well, I have yet to try wild vanilla or passion pomegranate. But spiced mango is positively sinful."

"Well, how can I pass up a positively sinful experience with a beautiful woman?" Oswald answered flirtatiously before flinching in response to Sheldon's knee knocking aggressively against his under the table.

Sheldon suddenly straightened up, "On second thought, I will have a cup as well."

With a note of surprise in her voice, Amy lit up, "Really?"

After briefly glancing at Oswald, Sheldon confirmed his decision, "Yes Amy, I would very much like to sample a new flavor."

"Two spiced mangoes, coming up." She chimed before digging into the small cardboard box, "Uh oh, I only have one teabag left. Sheldon, would you like to try wild vanilla?

"No. I want spiced mango." The genius answered quickly.

Amy gave her boyfriend an apologetic smile, "I'm sorry but fair is fair and Oswald was first."

With an annoyed frown, Sheldon began to argue, "Just because he was first doesn't mean it's automatically his. He can go out anytime and get any decadent flavor of tea he wants."

"So could you." She countered with a smirk.

Sheldon gasped at this, "No I certainly could not!" He continued to protest, "I only ever wanted your … "

It was Oswald's turn to knock Sheldon's knee under the table, only harder to silence him, "It's okay Amy, I will have wild vanilla. After all, it's just tea. Spiced mango is all yours Sheldon, I hope you enjoy it ... thoroughly."

Returning to the amendment with a sniff, Sheldon savored his tiny victory, even if it was by default. "I am sure I will."

Oswald grew quiet to watch Amy, who was languidly steeping the bag into a fresh mug for her boyfriend while smiling dreamily. Nudging Sheldon's knee again, the escort's trademark cheek returned, "She's thinking about you."

Sheldon's eyes slid up from behind the document to peer shyly at his girlfriend. He let out a nervous exhale, "I know."

The expression on his girlfriend's face was exactly the one she wore the night before when she coquettishly buttoned up her blouse.

Alone in the darkness of his bedroom with Amy's stimulating presence, Sheldon's primitive instinct had unexpectedly leapfrogged over his reason. Her unique allure coiled around him and drew him towards her like a siren's song. With an internal shiver, he recalled each delighted little gasp precisely.

It astonished him how the frottage incident happened so fast. Her moans still echoed through him and Sheldon became increasingly edgy. Fidgeting in his chair, he knew full well that he was still ill-prepared for what their future could bring.

Shielding his face with the document, Sheldon leaned in towards the other man and spoke through his teeth. "Do you recall when I said your services would no longer be needed? Well, I would now like to retract that statement. I believe there might be one or two gaps that still require filling."

Oswald nodded covertly while pretending to scratch his nose in order to sneakily cover his mouth. "I would be honored to fill your gap, you irresistible delight." He teased with an exaggerated flutter of his eyelashes.

Sheldon's eyebrows came together. "Stop that. Besides, I left my checkbook at home." A breathy laugh tittered out from behind the document followed by soft, "Bazinga."

"As if you could afford me nerd." Oswald retorted jokingly under his breath.

Despite himself, a tight smirk curled Sheldon's mouth, "You're not my type either, pretty boy."

The giglio had to fight against the urge to outwardly laugh at unexpected comeback. "I can be anyone's type, for the right price."

"Not Amy." Sheldon replied abruptly. There was no longer any anger or protectiveness in his tone. He was merely stating a fact, "Never Amy."

His smile faltering a bit, Oswald simply replied, "I know."

Returning with a small lacquer tray carrying three mugs, Amy observed the pair with a quizzical look. "You two seem awfully chummy over here. What is all the whispering about?"

Clearing his throat, Sheldon set the document aside and steeled his face. He could hardly believe what he was about to do. But for Amy, he would do anything and everything.

"Actually, Oswald and I have been discussing the matter and after making a convincing argument, he has persuaded me to omit the breathing exercises from the list of preparation requirements. Do you concur?"

Unable to contain a relieved sigh, Amy rejoined them at the table. "I concur."

Oswald added to this quickly, taking full advantage of the moment."I also convinced Sheldon to drop the dress code and the restrictive schedule."

"You did?" The genius questioned his tutor with a warning glare.

"Yes, I did." Taking his tea from Amy, Oswald returned the glare with a smirk.

"Thank you Sheldon." Amy glowed with appreciation, now gingerly handing her boyfriend his steaming mug. "Enjoy your tea."

After taking large swig of his own tea, Oswald licked his lips. "I am sure he will."

Unable to protest and shooting Oswald a sideways glance, Sheldon took a delicate sip of the new flavor and pondered whether he preferred Oswald as a rival rather than a ally.

* * *

><p>"Oh crap, is it almost five? I really should get going ..." Oswald announced from the kitchen as he finished putting away the last of the clean dishes he insisted on washing.<p>

Adding her final wave of initials to a freshly printed version of the amendment, Amy lifted her face to adjust her eyeglasses. "Must you go? Sheldon and I were hoping you would join us for dinner later this evening." She then pushed the document across the table to Sheldon, who was fretfully rolling a pen between his long fingers.

"Yes, it's true. Your presence would not be an unwelcomed one, on _this_ occasion." Her boyfriend confirmed shakily.

"I would love to, but I have already have plans. I am meeting an old friend from out of town." Her former classmate explained as he rolled down his sleeves to button his cuffs.

"Perhaps your friend would like to join us all well?" Amy offered sweetly, but her stare followed Sheldon's hands. The pen was less than an inch away from making contact with the paper.

When it came to the art of lying, Oswald was practically a master. However he became uncharacteristically tongue tied by the kind invitation, "Um ...well ... she's not really my friend exactly ... she is more of an acquaintance really ... Um ..." He couldn't understand why he was yammering, but for the first time in years the escort felt a stab of shame pierce through his gut. "... and she's not really good with people ... I mean ..."

"Perhaps it is a business meeting Amy? Surely a shrewd attorney like Oswald has other clients besides us?" Sheldon suggested casually before looking up from the signature page to flash him a faint, reassuring smile. Oswald received the message and gratefully took the life preserver thrown to him.

"Sheldon guessed it. She is a client. I'll have to take a rain check ..." While hastily slipping on his blazer Oswald snapped his fingers at them, "... but I am not leaving until that thing is signed and stamped."

Unconsciously biting her lip, Amy watched closely as the man she adored slowly removed the cap from his pen. She noted how Sheldon looked paler than usual and hoped he wasn't on the verge of a panic attack.

Finally, Sheldon took a deep breath and held it. He then swiftly initialed along the length of the document. Once he inked his last "SLC", he blew out with an audible pant.

Walking over to present the genius with the notary stamp, Oswald stunned him with a hard congratulatory slap on the back. Sheldon let out an annoyed yelp at the contact but took his stamp with an appreciative nod. With a few expert gestures, the document known as the "sex amendment" had been finalized and was officially interrogated into the relationship agreement.

Unable to help it, Amy threw her arms around her boyfriend and embraced him lovingly. "You did it!"

Allowing her to squeeze him tightly, Sheldon gently rested his chin on her shoulder. From the awkward position he glanced up at Oswald with wide eyes.

Genuinely proud of the pain in the ass, Oswald smiled down at him and mouthed, "Well done young Padawan."

* * *

><p>After wishing the couple goodbye and good luck, Oswald hurried his way downstairs. He had to shower and shave again before meeting his client.<p>

Oswald thought about that damn Flash T-shirt waiting for him at his apartment. Besides the haircut and the shirt, he wondered what other "duties" were in store for him. It was surprising, he didn't figure the brilliant Beverly Hofstadter was the type of woman who fantasied about super heroes, especially the one who was supposed to be the fastest man alive. Considering what could mean for their private time, Oswald rubbed his neck with mild concern. _Maybe Sheldon was right about the precoital breathing?_

With a squint, he halted briefly to watch the sun glow orange and then burn red as it began to set behind a row of buildings in the distance. Oswald felt his life up to this point had been a string of failures and disappointments. Only today he had helped his friends. Taking a moment to lean against his car, he basked in the foreign sense of accomplishment. _My friends. _

But his pride was short lived when his pants pocket began to buzz. Pulling out his cell phone to read the text, his jaw tightened.

_**BH: I require you to select a suitable restaurant for us. Nothing with paper place mats or vintage street signs as decor. **_

_**OM: So you want to have dinner?**_

_**BH: Why else would I require you to select a suitable restaurant? **__**Was that somehow unclear?**_

Oswald groaned as he slid into his Lexus, it was coming back to him how frustrating Beverly could be ... it was a little like Sheldon.

_**OM: I know a place. Was there anything else Beautiful? **_

_**BH: Save the sweet nothings for your other clients. I am not paying for that. **_

_**_**OM: Yes Ma'am**_**_

_**_BH: Glib responses reveal one's petulant nature. It is unappealing, even in text format. _**_

_**_OM: Understood Dr. Hofstadter. _**_

_**_BH: Th**at is all, for now. My lecture will conclude at 7:00 pm. _**_**I expect you to be prompt and prepped as per our arrangement. I do not require a response to this. Goodbye.**_**_**_**_

The escort tossed his phone haphazardly into the passenger side seat. He hadn't even seen her yet and he was already exhausted. After slipping on his sunglasses to avoid the late afternoon glare, Oswald revved his engine.

"I guess it's back to the dark side for me." He grumbled aloud before merging into traffic.

* * *

><p>Seated across from each other at her dining table, both Sheldon and Amy stared openly at the relationship agreement as it rested between them. The new document was daring them to speak, to act. But Amy's apartment was now eerily quiet. The stillness was almost palpable. This wasn't one of those comfortable silences that the pair often enjoyed, in fact, the unspoken seemed to hang in the air around them.<p>

Finally with a lick of his lips Sheldon broke the strange spell, "Perhaps we should go to dinner now?" He croaked.

Meeting his eyes, Amy shrugged, "It's still kind of early and I am not very hungry ..." She then bravely stretched her arms across the table to him and took his hand with both of hers. Gently, she pulled his open palm towards her " ... at least not for food."

Sheldon tilted his head, processing her flirtation. Her thumbs tenderly stroked the skin of his palm, tracing the various creases and studying them as if she was looking at his hand for the first time.

Blushing, Sheldon was surprised to hear himself nervously giggle, "Amy Farrah Fowler, I believe you are trying to seduce me."

"That is an incorrect assessment Sheldon." She said with a sly grin before boldly leaning down to lightly kiss the thin, sensitive skin where his palm met his wrist, right below his watchstrap.

Sheldon eyelids involuntarily dimmed at the contact as he quietly shuddered. Her soft lips had injected a shot of adrenaline into his system, causing his heart to speed up.

Sitting up again, she released his hand and noticed how he didn't move it away from her. Instead he wiggled his fingers, fascinated with how his skin tingled from a single, simple kiss.

"I am not trying to seduce you ..." She explained as she glided her eyeglasses off her face and carefully placed them on the table, blinking a few times to adjust her vision.

Amy's voice remained calm but was suddenly thick with lustful purpose. "... I _am_ seducing you."

Sheldon swallowed hard. _Strong in the force this one is._

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter 36 is in progress. Reviews welcomed. LLTS! <strong>_


	36. Dumbo

**"The Big Bang Theory" and its characters were created by Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady. I do not own, nor do I profit from "TBBT" or its characters. I also do not own the various other games, movies or TV shows I reference throughout my story. This is meant for entertainment purposes only. **

**This story has not been beta read, so please forgive any typos on my part. **

**_**Author's note: I know some of you have been very keen for an update. I mistakenly thought I would be able to update on a more consistent basis at the beginning of this year, but it seems once one crisis ends, another begins. After spending March in and out of the hospital due a nasty bout with bronchitis that almost turned into pneumonia (YIKES!), I am very, very happy to be at my laptop once again.** _ **

**Thank you for your patience, please enjoy.**

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter 36 "Dumbo" <strong>_

Sheldon absorbed the sight of his de-spectacled girlfriend. He seldom saw Amy without her eyeglasses. Of course, this was with the rare exception of a pie eating contest, resting tired eyes due to illness and a tickle fight in the dark. Still, in all of those sporadic instances it had always been a choice born of practicality, not calculation.

But now the simple action of removing them exuded a self-assurance he had only seen in her when she stood in her lab, holding a scalpel in her expert grip. The physicist internally grasped for the determination to immediately shut down his scheming female and ignore what he suspected was a surge of dopamine attempting to hijack his limbic system. "Now just a minute little lady, the ink is barely dry on our new agreement and I am not some slice of grey matter awaiting dissection for your amusement."

"Lick your lips." She interrupted coolly.

Hushed by her command, something had begun to tug at the corner of Sheldon's pouty mouth. It wasn't exactly a smile, but it wasn't exactly a frown either. As he continued to eye his girlfriend warily, his tongue darted out and obeyed her wish before quickly retreating. Aggravated with the tiny group of muscles for their compliance, he stiffened his posture defiantly. "As I was saying, we are not fully prepared to attempt what you are suggesting." He stated with an almost accusatory tone; nevertheless the genius felt his loftiness wane when Amy hoisted herself up to move towards him, her mischievous smile widening.

Amy's usually smaller frame towered over him, making him increasingly uneasy. Sheldon remained frozen; observing her movements closely as her fingers gently stroked the sleeve of his undershirt before resting her hand on his bare forearm. The contact was minimal, but indisputably potent. It didn't help any when the sound of a corduroy clad hip grazing the edge of the table released a swarm of butterflies inside his belly. Finally, with a shivering inhale Sheldon realized he had been holding his breath and anticipation of her reply.

Keeping her dainty hand secured on his skin, she reestablished their eye contact, "And what is it you think I am suggesting Sheldon?"

"Oh, for the love of Pete, you know how it boils my potatoes when you answer my question with a question! Is this part of your seduction technique, to deliberately goad me? I must inform you I find your method disconcerting given the current circumstances." He tried to chastise her, but his tone was far from stern as his gaze traveled to her fingers. He noted the tiny flashes of pink and orange when the late afternoon sun reflected off the milky opalescence of her sheer nail polish.

Amy continued to smile down at him, a sly twinkle in her emerald eyes, "And what are the current circumstances?"

It struck Sheldon as another pointless question with an obvious response, "Well if I were to make an educated guess, I would first weigh the observable factors. Point one, we have just concluded our negotiations and have successfully revised our relationship agreement to include …"

"Lean back." Amy interrupted with a casual wave of her free hand. Thrown by her request, Sheldon blinked curiously up at her, unmoving.

And with a snicker he found to be highly vexing, she decided to gradually nudge him flush against the back of his chair. "Please continue with your observations Sheldon. You have me completely riveted."

Although unsure of what her next move would be, Sheldon relented, allowing her to guide him into a semi-reclined position. However, he was compelled to continue his deduction, albeit with a cracking voice, "Point two, you have removed your eyeglasses. This implies you are about to engage in an activity where they are not ..."

Breaking off suddenly with a flabbergasted cough, Sheldon went beet red in a matter of seconds, "HOLY SUGAR HONEY ICED TEA!" He wheezed loudly.

His nymph of neuroscience had unexpectedly and quite spiritedly plopped herself onto his lap, draping her arms affectionately around his long neck.

Sheldon sat stupefied, shifting awkwardly under her, keeping his arms glued to his sides, "You brain tinkerers certainly are a kooky bunch of bananas. Do I look like a galleria rent-a-Santa to you? Lick my lips, lean back, who made you the boss of me?" He asked incredulously.

Noticing his perturbed state, Amy's smile faded. A worried frown took over her features, "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable Sheldon. I was simply trying to be romantic and playful."

"It feels like Dumbo is crushing my groin under his foot." He grumbled.

Letting out a resigned sigh Amy began to push herself up, bracing herself against the dining table. A surprised squeak promptly followed when two large hands firmly grasped her at the waist, pulling her back down and encouraging her to reclaim her throne.

"I didn't say get up." Sheldon stated matter-of-factly before concluding his assessment. "Point three; you made a clear declaration of intent. Based on these observations, I would wager that you are attempting to initiate sex."

With a joyful chuckle, she pressed her soft cheek against his, "You have no idea how long I have wanted to sit on my boyfriend's lap! Oh Sheldon, I feel as though I could just burst like a cyst in a brain tumor, causing herniation or even sudden death!" Happily making herself comfortable again on her new favorite spot, Amy crossed her legs at the ankle, "However, you have made another incorrect assumption. I am not initiating sex. For right now, I just want us to be close." This was punctuated by her arms circling his neck again, "I am initiating intimacy."

"Intimacy?" Sheldon repeated back as his large eyes scrutinized her, "Sounds like more of your hippie-dippie twaddle _mrumph_ …" Quickly silencing him, Amy had successfully smothered his quip with a deep, impulsive kiss.

Disappointed by his initial unresponsiveness, Amy was about to pull away when a pleased groan erupted from her boyfriend's throat. Sheldon's eyes then automatically shut as her arms loosened from his neck in order to bring her hands to either side his face. She heard her own muffled giggle when he finally began to return her affection in earnest, locking his forearms around her waist to squeeze her smaller body against him.

Over the next few seconds they generously offered one another kiss after tea-seasoned kiss, each one gentle, but captivating, a perfect mixture of sweet citrus lips and spiced tongues.

When the pair finally detangled they were both left winded and in a shared wistful daze.

Thoroughly mystified, Sheldon dithered, "But ... but ... I ate an omelet … in the afternoon … latex gloves ... the agreement … mangoes ... "

Proud of her newly discovered ability to rattle her boyfriend with a kiss, Amy rubbed her nose against his, "Baby, you are not making any sense." She teased in a sing-song voice.

Sheldon's full eyebrows came together with confusion, "Amy, are you saying you don't want to … do_ it _anymore?"

"Are you kidding?" She scoffed. "Any C student who bags groceries can do _it_. Drunken amateurs with a webcam can do _it_. Even baboons can do _it _…" She shuddered as she shook off the awkward memory, "… especially when they get into the lab's stash of Red Bull. It took five interns to pry Rafiki off of poor Dr. Alfonso."

Perplexed, Sheldon fidgeted under her again. "I don't understand."

Still tenderly holding her genius's face in her hands, Amy's eyes narrowed on his mouth as she spoke, her voice barely above a whisper, "Sheldon Cooper, I don't want just sex—I want to hold your hand without hesitation. I want to share meals with you and laugh with you. I want you to fall asleep with your head on my lap while we are watching one of your silly science fiction shows on Netflix ..."

Sheldon interjected with a disapproving pout, "I'll have you know many people agree that Firefly is one of the most undervalued gems in television history … _oh_ …"

Gasping, his eyelids fluttered closed again in response to Amy's lips skimming across his skin, dotting kisses up the length of his pale neck to his ear.

In-between kisses she revealed more of her desires with soft murmurs against his skin. "I want to blow off work and lie naked in your arms on a rainy Monday morning. I want us to act out everything we mean to each other on every set of sheets I own. I want to make you feel pleasure so immense that your toes curl and your eyes roll back into your head." This last confession was quickly followed by Amy's own sharp intake of breath; apparently Sheldon appreciated the stimulating candor since there was now a distinct hardening introducing itself beneath her buttocks.

"Hello Dumbo," She tittered before working her way back down, this time with a firmer mouth and the occasional lap of her tongue. With an instinctual buck of his hips, a helpless little moan spilled out from between Sheldon's trembling lips.

Even with the revisions to their relationship agreement, Sheldon was unprepared for the actual _feeling _of being in a relationship. He knew this woman better than anyone, but yet there was a tantalizing mysteriousness surrounding her that sent delicious ripples of heat up the back of his neck, making him feel as though he were on the brink of perspiration. The real Amy was a thousand times more enticing than any fantasy he could conjure of her. Desire, hope, fear, jealousy, gratitude, joy-nothing could brace him for the raw emotion she was able to stir up in him.

Stroking his hair, Amy pressed her lips to his ear. "I want you to experience the ultimate personification of my love. And I never want you to doubt for one second that I'm your woman."

His world slowly losing focus due to the waves of arousal overwhelming his senses, Sheldon exhaled, "Wowee wow wow, my Orion slave girl can't hold a candle to you."

He felt his girlfriend instantly tense in his arms, detaching from his neck she gave Sheldon a severe glare, "Orion slave girl?! Does Amy Farrah Fowler have to go alpha female on a bitch?

Unable to help it, Sheldon found himself smiling. His ego rather enjoyed Amy's unexpected fury at the mention of a potential rival. Perhaps she'd think twice before bringing Oswald around now that the shoe was on the other foot.

"My, my, are we seeing green?" He chortled at his own joke while tightening his embrace.

Hardly amused, Amy's hand curled into a tiny fist under Sheldon's chin. "Don't toy with me Cooper, because I won't hesitate to swap out your 2% milk with the contents of a certain specimen jar courtesy of Rafiki."

Taking a moment to digest the threat, Sheldon flashed an alarmed grimace. "There is no one else!" He declared. Then after swiftly crossing his heart, he raised his hand as if taking an oath. "I am true-blue, through and through— a Vulcan can no sooner be disloyal than he can exist without breathing!"

Amy unclenched her hand and brought it to her lap. "Then would you care to explain that slave girl comment?"

"Amy, are you familiar with the episode from the original Star Trek series entitled The Menagerie ... Part 2?

Knowing full well that she was about to be subjected to one of Sheldon's trademark reenactments, Amy's shoulders slumped, "Of course I'm not."

"Well then, you are in for a treat." He beamed while patting her knee.

The gesture triggered Amy's eyebrow to slide up optimistically. "The first of many, one hopes."

Squirming again, Sheldon cleared his throat loudly, "But it occurs to me that in order to effectively to set the scene I really should start with part one. Star date 3012.4. The USS Enterprise reaches a Star base after a subspace message requests it to divert there. When Captain Kirk, Spock and McCoy beam down, they are confused when the base commander informs Kirk the base sent no such message …"

It wasn't as nerve wracking as indoor rock climbing or giving a speech to a dining hall full of colleagues, but nevertheless Sheldon discovered he was quite self-conscious. Biting his lip with embarrassment from time to time, he attempted to explain to his Amy about Orion Amy, the pilot light that set his lust ablaze.

Naturally, he would skip the portions regarding Oswald, his unusual tutelage in sex education or the disturbing conversation with a figment of his imagination, better known as tiny Kirk.

Sheldon told himself it wasn't deception, it was omission. He wasn't being dishonest, it just wasn't in their best interest for him to reveal the whole truth. A few more lessons with Oswald and there would be no more need for the charade. Everything could go on as it had before, maybe even better than before? Especially since all doubt had been removed when it came to Amy's faithfulness.

He didn't want possessive pronouns on a towel but the knowledge that she was his made Sheldon incandescently happy.

And he, in return, was undoubtedly hers. The genius would sooner give up his comic books or even his treasured spot rather than betray her trust. Mentally balking at the notion of bedding another woman, Sheldon knew he we only ever want Amy Farrah Fowler. Now and for the rest of his life.

* * *

><p>After dejectedly slipping on a dark grey suit jacket in an effort to mask the bright red cotton assaulting his sense of style, Oswald sniffed as his reflection.<p>

"That didn't even help a little bit" He muttered flatly. As if he didn't feel ridiculous enough with the elementary school haircut, now this assigned getup Beverly insisted on stripped him of any illusion of control he had. He kept telling himself that it was just a lousy Flash t-shirt, besides the change in hairstyle, she hadn't asked for anything else.

Staring at the yellow lightning bolt which seemed to scream at him, an unusual nervousness began to brew in the seasoned professional. He supposed a part of him was subconsciously getting into character. This new look for Beverly's fantasy certainly was ... innocent.

Oswald tugged at the hem of the t-shirt, wondering if Beverly would prefer if he tuck it in or not, "You would think this was my first time. She is a client, stop overthinking this." He coached himself aloud.

Deciding against the tuck, he hurried to his kitchen for a shot of vodka to steady his nerves, growling with frustration with whole way. After haphazardly pouring himself a drink, he paused to stare into the glass. He had been avoiding the glaring irony ever since he welcomed Amy and Sheldon into his lackluster world. They brightened it with their uniqueness, as well as with their cherished friendship. There was no longer any use denying what he knew to be true.

Oswald had spent that last couple of weeks instructing Sheldon on how to be a great lover, but the escort knew nothing of great love. Not once, not ever. And it was a painful truth that was breaking his already bruised heart.

At that moment Oswald wondered if Beverly Hofstadter should be his last client. _What if I started over? _ After tonight he could bury Oswald Knight, so that Oswald Montserrat could began his life again? He grew a little giddy at the thought of getting a new job, paying off his debt, meeting new people, making friends and maybe even finding a true love to call his own.

But the giddiness quickly evaporated when he considered how his own father probably never loved him.

"Sheldon was right. I am damaged goods." He then shrugged the pipe dream off with a grumble,"A new life? Maybe when elephants fly Mr. Knight."

Holding up the shot glass in the air Oswald exhaled with utter defeat, "To Dr. Sheldon Cooper, the man I wish I could be."

* * *

><p><strong><em>LLTS! Chapter 37 in the works.<br>_**

**_REVIEWS ARE WELCOMED. Feedback feeds my soul (and my ego). _**


	37. Pins and Needles

_**The Montserrat Resurgence - Chapter 37 - "Pins and Needles" **_

_**Disclaimers: "The Big Bang Theory" and its characters were created by Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady. I do not own, nor do I profit from the show or its characters. I also do not own the various other games, movies or TV shows I may reference. This story is meant for entertainment purposes only.**_

_**Dearest Readers: Thank you for remarkable patience. Since it's been a while, you may want to jump back a couple of chapters just to recap. I know I had to.**_

_**Finally, I humbly dedicate this long overdue update to Luz Maria Camacho and Myrta Enid Alfonso. The memory of these fiercely loyal women who loved with everything they had is a gift I will cherish for as long as I live and my world is a little less vibrant without them in it.**_

* * *

><p>Amy was rooted to her boyfriend's lap and practically purring as if she were a well-fed kitten. While her chin rested atop his head Sheldon felt yet another contented sigh warm his forehead. This time he let out his own frustrated sigh in response, hoping to alert her to his discomfort. Nevertheless Amy's python-like embrace was secure and prevented him from lifting his face from her bosom. He was positive after what seemed like an eternity hunched in the same position that the tiny plastic buttons of his girlfriend's blouse had been imprinted along his cheek—like a brand.<p>

Sheldon's internal monologue began to half-grouse, half-gloat. _It's official. I've been enslaved to this singularly beguiling creature. All that's missing is a shock collar and the whip … oh my … Oswald's riding crop!_ His exposed eyebrow shot up in realization as to why his tutor would have such a thing in his possession. _Well that's rather disconcerting._ _Perhaps I should add it to my list of questions? However, first things first._

Out of one side of his mouth Sheldon pleaded with the thin layer of polyester mushed against his face, "Amuh, peas, Uh haf wos beelin in ma woes."

Finally releasing him, Amy glanced down at her greatest wish come to life. "What was that?" She asked dreamily as Sheldon eagerly straightened himself upright. The left side of his face was indeed a deep shade of pink with two perfectly round indentations on his cheek, "Amy, please, I have lost feeling in my toes."

"Ten more minutes?" She cooed.

After stretching his long neck with a slow roll, Amy heard a low popping sound followed by an exhale of relief.

"Two." He countered sternly.

Prepared with an offer, Amy's hands roamed up his back until they made their way to the nape of his neck. He suspected what she was up to, but groaned with appreciation when she began to massage his aching muscles.

"Eight?"

As difficult as it had been to pick up on, let alone understand emotions in others, Sheldon was acutely aware of his girlfriend's haughtiness as the pads of her fingers circled the base of his scalp.

"Three."

He began to observe her closely, paying special attention to her eyelashes each time she blinked. Sheldon noted their length and slightly darker color when compared to her hair. He assessed that it was probably due to that eye goop she was wearing more often. Penny's influence he had no doubt.

Not that her eyelashes were unpleasant to look at, in fact, they were almost hypnotic. He just didn't understand why Amy wanted to try things that were, in his view, a waste of time.

_Well, not all things. _

With anyone else this type of close contact would awaken nothing but terror and panic. For the entirety of his adult life Sheldon had written off his fellow humans as dirty primates and certainly not the super intelligent kind like in Planet of the Apes. Humanity was comprised of nothing more than hormone-fueled knuckle-draggers who were oblivious to the microscopic bacteria that lurked in every public bathroom, heck, on every doorknob. Not to mention all the possible disease hidden in what most would consider a harmless handshake. Sheldon was aware of how far he had come in regards to tolerating physical contact, however there still lurked an irksome part of his psyche that demanded he flay off his skin, douse it in ethanol and strike a match to it whenever skin-to-skin exchange occurred.

When he first met Amy his carefully thought out safeguards were nonnegotiable. If she wanted to be part of his world then she had to accept him as he was—which she did remarkably. Obviously this was all before finally recognizing that he, in turn, wanted to be part of her world. This awareness caused the methodical mastermind to ponder, for the first time, on whether or not his lifelong cautiousness was a hindrance rather than one of his many gifts.

Of course, he quickly dismissed that notion as ludicrous.

Moving on to her nose he almost smiled, watching as it crinkled thoughtfully when she changed her focus to his shoulders, smoothing out the tension with an exquisite amount of pressure.

"I had a dream like this with you … her …well … you ..." When Sheldon felt her hands stop and he promptly broke eye contact. "… and I knew then I wanted to touch you too." He admitted timidly. He regret the confession the moment he uttered it, but he couldn't help but yammer on, "I wanted to arouse you ... to stimulate you ..." His jaw clenched as his gaze bounced around her apartment. "I … I just didn't know how."

"You did just fine the last night in your bedroom." She reassured him, knowing that her boyfriend often loathed revealing himself as vulnerable.

However, the comment had the opposite effect as Sheldon snapped out of his coyness; a questioning frown now overtook his face, "Just _fine_?"

"You know what I mean." She continued with a smile, "You followed your instincts and it was really nice."

"_Nice_ …" He pouted. "…this mind does not produce fine or nice results. Would you describe Captain America as just a _nice_ guy? Or call Einstein's theory of relativity a _fine_ idea?"

Unruffled by his snippy reaction Amy's sweet face had spread into a mischievous grin, her hands resuming their thrilling magic. "That's the wonderful thing about experimentation Sheldon. There is always room for improvement. We would be unworthy of our titles as scientists if we didn't rise to meet the new and unexplored. If you recall, there was a period when you struggled with holding my hand. Now look at where we are."

Her argument was without flaw; even it was a little sentimental. But he'd be a monkey's uncle before admitting it.

"What do you mean if I recall? I can recall everything, not to mention _struggled_ is a bit of an overstatement …"

"Dr. Cooper," She interrupted. "I believe we were negotiating the terms of your release."

The usually immovable genius would concede and she darn well knew it, "Five minutes—final offer Dr. Fowler."

Unable to hide her elation Amy embraced him again, "Excellent."

* * *

><p>Beverly Hofstadter eyed Oswald's idea of dining establishment warily, "A tad whimsical for my taste, but I suppose this is the best you could come up with on short notice—so I'll make due."<p>

Choosing to pay no attention to the remark, Oswald gently pulled out his date's chair for her.

With an unimpressed lift of her arched eyebrow Beverly took the seat offered to her, "There is no need to play the gentlemen Oswald—at least not with me. We're old friends, aren't we?"

The escort expertly masked his disdain with a quip, "Manners are included in the package. Besides, how else was I going to get a better look at those gorgeous legs?"

Her only response to his professional charm was to quickly unroll her napkin and pick up her fork with it, holding it to the candlelight for inspection. "I suppose the candles and music are meant to make the atmosphere more conducive for seduction or whatever it is you do, but frankly it's a strain on my eyes and ears."

"You may not care for the atmosphere, but the food is excellent." Oswald insisted while taking his own seat, "As is the service."

"That has yet to be determined." She noted flatly as she moved on to her butter knife, "As I suspected, water spots."

Normally the professional wouldn't bat an eyelash at a client's quirks but tonight something inside Oswald was struggling not to bolt from Casa de Sevilla as if Beverly was carrier of the Black Death. He was grateful when their server arrived at the table. Oswald quickly recognized her as the woman who had slipped on a napkin and was nearly knocked unconscious that night he went out with Amy. His mind drifted for a moment, remembering how he and Amy laughed and reminisced before she was thoroughly glazed in various sauces, effectively ending their evening.

By the smile on their waitress's face she recognized her savior as well, but before she could utter a word of greeting his chilly companion assertively handed over a fistful of silverware.

"I won't be dining." Beverly announced, "Just bring me a Hendricks and tonic."

After awkwardly shoving the utensils in the pocket of her apron, the pretty brunette scrambled to grab her order pad and pencil. "I'm sorry Ma'am, we don't have Hendricks. Would you like Tanqueray or maybe Bombay Sapphire?"

The doctor's displeasure was evident, "My dear young lady, Tanqueray and Bombay Sapphire are English gins. If I preferred an English gin, I would have originally specified an English gin such as Tanqueray or Bombay Sapphire, but I did not."

"Beverly, she's only doing her job." Oswald interjected in a harsh whisper, quickly realizing this evening might be spent walking on pins and needles when it came to his companion. "Just order something else."

Unfazed and unrelenting, the older woman continued her lesson. "What I asked for was Hendricks—a _Scottish_ gin. Since it has been established that this restaurant does not offer Hendricks, wouldn't a proactive employee recommended another _Scottish_ gin?"

It was also clearly evident that the server's pleasant demeanor all but evaporated in response to this. "How about I bring you a Tanqueray and put a kilt on it?" The younger woman asked through clenched teeth. "Is that proactive enough for you?"

To keep the peace, Oswald swallowed down his own frustration with his dogmatic date and gave the waitress a reassuring smile. "I think we'll need another minute, okay?"

Grateful for the reprieve, the feisty attendant returned his warmth, "Sure thing." She then turned her grin to Beverly, "My name is Trudy. Just call me over when you and your son are ready to order."

Beverly's back visibly stiffened as her eyes scanned over the audacious waitress as she walked away from them. It took a concentrated effort on Oswald's part not to smirk at his client getting jabbed in the ass with one of her own pins. Instead, he reminded himself that he was on the clock and slid his chair towards Beverly.

_Get this show on the road and earn your check. The rent is not going to pay itself._

"Why Beverly, I thought you didn't drink—with the rare exception of tequila shots, of course." He teased in a whispered voice, trailing his fingers across the back of her hand. He wasn't too surprised when she casually brushed his hand away and leaned further back against her chair.

_It figures._ _Beverly Hofstadter doesn't seem like the kind of woman who does public displays of affection._

Now passively smoothing out her skirt, the accomplished older woman didn't bother to look at him while she spoke. "I have learned to appreciate the occasional indulgence."

This time Oswald didn't bother to mask his expression of concern, "Listen, I know you are a grown woman who is capable of making your own decisions, but the last time I saw you … well you were clearly going through some sort of rough patch."

His comment pulled her attention as her eyes snapped up to meet his, "Rough patch?" She repeated in a softer tone and for a moment his client didn't look like the frigid women he knew back in New York. In the candlelight, her features were softer and her normally resolute gaze almost appeared lost, even vulnerable. He took this as permission to continue, "And I'm sure you don't need me to remind you about what happened the last time you _indulged_. Can you assure me that we won't have a repeat of that evening? I'd hate to cut our date short again."

After taking a moment to consider his question with a sharp inhale, he could immediately tell the ice water was back in her veins. "You are correct Oswald. I am a grown woman who is capable of making my own decisions. And since I am the one who paid for that evening, and is paying for this one, all decisions after this point will be mine. That includes, but is not limited to, topics of conversation and when this so-called date is over. Assurances, however, will come from you."

Not entirely sure of her meaning, but determined to keep the night moving forward, Oswald waved at Trudy from across the dim restaurant. Once he caught her attention she responded with a friendly gesture, signaling that she would be right with them. He watched Trudy curiously while she waited on what looked like a couple very much in love, well at least their backs anyway. A skinny man, in an awful green blazer had his arm around his date's chair and in-between ordering the petite blonde women spontaneously peppered his face with little kisses.

How many times over the last five years had he mimicked their behavior with his own "dates"? Beverly was right; he had been playing the suave gentleman, the doting darling or the ruthless Dom to one paying customer after another. It felt a little strange to watch that kind of sincere connection between two people that was clearly more than physical.

Oswald's chest grew tight he observed them. And he didn't know why, but they reminded him of Sheldon and Amy.

_Stop it_, he chided himself. _Just play her game._

"Does Patron Silver meet with your approval Dr. Hofstadter?" He proposed curtly, waiting for Trudy to return armed her order pad.

With a smug glint in her eye, Beverly finally offered him her first smile of the evening. "Excellent."

* * *

><p>Bernadette Rostenkowski-Wolowitz took in her surroundings with an amazed grin, "Oh wow Howie, this place is so romantic. The music, the candles, I love it." Opening her leather-bound menu, she continued to beam. "And everything in here looks fantastic. I don't know if I'll be able to make up my mind."<p>

Howard Wolowitz, donning a less than subtle avocado-colored blazer with a matching turtleneck, stretched his scrawny arm around the back of his wife's chair. "Anything for you my lady, this Prince would gladly give you his entire kingdom if you so wished it."

Their waitress chuckled, "We have many popular items, so we hear that a lot here." Something then caught the server's eye; she waved to someone behind them before returning her focus to her current table. "There's no rush, feel free to take your time. Oh, but before I forget, our special tonight is lobster paella."

Bernadette brightened up even more, "Ooh, lobster paella!"

Howard suddenly tensed, "Well, wait a minute, hang on now. Let's not get crazy." Pointing to her menu with his free hand, he attempted to distract her with a different, significantly less expensive option, "Look honey, they have grilled chicken. Yummy!"

Entirely aware of her husband's stingy intentions, Bernadette's grin dropped in an instant. "So lobster isn't part of your kingdom Prince Tightwad?" She snapped.

Avoiding the waitress's gaze, who was watching them with mild amusement, Howard leaned towards his annoyed wife and lowered his voice, "Well, pumpkin, I'm saving up for a new belt buckle. It's the Death Star."

Bernadette's only reply was an expression that he could only describe as terrifying, face-melting disgust—he could live with it. In a sing-song voice, he made one last attempt to plead his case.

"Did I mention that the Death Star is made of Swarovski crystals?"

Unmoved, Bernadette glared him before responding in her own sing-song voice, "So I guess you'll be having sex with that belt buckle from now on?"

Howard puffed up in an instant, yanked her menu out of her small hands and passed it over to waitress. "If its lobster paella the lady wants, its lobster paella the lady gets!" He announced with flourish.

Noting the order in her pad, their server couldn't help but charmed and maybe a little alarmed by the sweet and tiny pair, "And for you sir?"

Howard handed over his own menu, "Stale bread sticks and a glass of your finest tap water please." He replied sarcastically.

Bernadette's sternness quickly faded, she just couldn't stay annoyed with her witty astronaut. Without warning she covered one side of his face with feather-light kisses. "I love you, you jackass." She lovingly whispered in his ear.

With a sheepish tilt of his head, Howard offered her an apologetic smile. "I love you too Cinderella."

Their waitress took this as her queue, "I'll just skedaddle and get your paella order in. I'll be back to check on you in a few."

The scrappy blonde was about to plant another kiss on her fashion victim of a husband when she abruptly stopped just short of his lips. Howard noticed and pulled back, covering his mouth. "What's wrong? Is my breath weird? I told Raj that Cinnamon's new treats had a funky aftertaste."

Momentarily distracted by something behind him, Bernadette she shook her head, "No, your breath is …wait, why were you eating Cinnamon's treats?"

"Raj wanted my opinion. He bought beef flavored, but he thought they smelled more like chicken." He answered. "Besides, it was either that help Raj give Cinnamon a bath. And I'll give you one guess who insists on hopping in the tub bare ass naked with her?"

Her mouth dropping, Bernadette let out a little horrified gasp.

Nodding in confirmation, Howard continued. "He calls it their weekly bubble bath bash. Today's theme was lavender. I'll take dog treats that taste like cardboard any day of the week compared to that." Bernadette cringed while forcing herself not to develop a vivid mental image of her husband and his kooky best friend bag sharing a tub, splashing each other and giggling. "You made the right choice."

Finally turning to see where his wife was looking before, Howard quickly realized what, or rather who, had captured her attention, "Holy crap, is that Beverly Hofstadter?"

* * *

><p>A tinge of guilt poked at Amy. After their agreed upon five minutes was up, she had gotten Sheldon to yield yet again to an additional five with a promise of her homemade chocolate pudding pie. Now Amy was watching her boyfriend as he paced her living room; occasionally squatting down or vigorously shaking out a single leg. "Are you alright Sheldon?"<p>

"Just trying to get the blood circulating," He explained, "that pins and needles sensation in my feet is dreadful."

"Come here …" She beckoned sweetly, patting the seat next to her on the sofa. "… I'll rub your feet. I am familiar with the practice of reflexology."

Sheldon halted dead in his tracks and raised a skeptical eyebrow, "Reflexology? You can't be serious?"

"Indeed I am." She maintained confidently. "It is a widely recognized practice in alternative medicine."

Scoffing, Sheldon crossed his arms. "Do you hear yourself? I suppose afterwards you'll want to sacrifice a virgin and dance around nude covered in blood and chicken feathers?"

Amy sighed; sometimes her genius could straddle the wall between adorable and exasperating. But now that an agreed upon revision had been made to their relationship agreement, she might soon do some straddling of her own.

"Sheldon, you're being ridiculous. Now sit down put your feet on my lap. Afterwards we can go to dinner. No chicken feathers, I promise." She gestured once again to the sofa she occupied.

Once a short moment of consideration had passed, Sheldon relented and cautiously sat down on the opposite end of her couch. As he gingerly removed his shoes followed by his socks he eyed his girlfriend warily. Amy merely smirked as she patted her knee, "Just try to relax and I'll get that blood circulating in no time."

Although apprehensive, Sheldon raised his gangly legs and stretched them across the length of the sofa he gently rested both bare heels on her lap.

Her boyfriend issued a stern mandate. "Absolutely no funny business, am I clear? And not a single digit is to stray above the ankle."

She nodded in understanding, but her smirk remained.

Amy warmed her hands by rubbing them together but it didn't stop him from reflexively jerking when her fingers made contact with the pale, sensitive skin. She had only made a few firm stroking movements down his arch when he bolted upright. This connection wasn't sensual but there was an intimacy, an aching tenderness that made his breath catch in his throat.

His face unexpectedly flushed, "Wait ... this feels… I …." He stammered as he stood up, unsure of what it was he was feeling, let alone what he was trying to express.

"I'm sorry Sheldon, does it tickle?" Amy asked with a chortle. She hadn't meant to laugh but she supposed she was a little nervous herself and didn't realize it until he startled her.

Sheldon licked his lips as he shook his head, "No. I think we should …" He trailed off.

The recent turn of events was almost unbelievable to him. He had just committed himself, in writing no less, to shattering one of his most sacred personal commandments.

Curious and now a little concerned, Amy stood and went to him. "You think we should … what?"

Over time Sheldon began to trust the care in Amy's touch, gradually opening himself up to her. As the years passed Sheldon continually broke one after another of his institutionalized rules to make room for Amy. And all the while this infuriating and delightful woman never tried to knock down his carefully bricked up walls with demands or threats. She simply burrowed under them until she made it to the other side, like a fox. Or more aptly, like a vixen.

There was no fear of contamination and yet he had been infected. She was in his blood now and lived in every cell. If there was one individual on this filthy planet worth risking his immune system for, it was her. Sheldon was past care and past cure. Amy Farrah Fowler had become a welcomed fever.

Wringing his hands together nervously, Sheldon forced himself to look his girlfriend right in the eye, "I think we should go to your bedroom."

Amy searched boyfriend's face, part of her waiting for him to pull the rug out from under her. "Sheldon … what are you saying?"

"I think we should go to your bedroom." He repeated.

"And do what _exactly_?"

Throwing his hands up in the air in frustration with a sigh, Sheldon walked past her and disappeared into her bedroom, "Jiminy Christmas—to have sex for crying out loud!"

Stunned, Amy audibly gulped.

* * *

><p><strong><em>Chapter 38 is in the works. It will be published in 2018.<em>**

**_LLTS!_**


	38. The Fastest Man Alive

_**The Montserrat Resurgence - Chapter 38 - "The Fastest Man Alive"**_

_**Disclaimers: "The Big Bang Theory" and its characters were created by Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady. I do not own, nor do I profit from the show or its characters. I also do not own the various other games, movies or TV shows I may reference. This story is meant for entertainment purposes only.**_

_**To the Readers: Thank you for embracing this story once again. I hope you continue to get some enjoyment from it. **_

* * *

><p>If Amy truly believed that simply touching Sheldon's bare feet would be enough to get him naked and naughty, she might have offered him a pedicure years ago. Yet her boyfriend's abrupt announcement that he was sliding straight to home plate did nothing but trigger Amy's skepticism. It had only been the previous evening where their spontaneous make out session in the dark proved too much for him to handle. His sudden change of heart left her daunted as she trailed behind him into her bedroom, her trepidation only mounting when Sheldon began to forcefully shed his clothes as they were infested with mites.<p>

"Hang on Flash, where's the fire?" She joked awkwardly in an effort mask her nervousness as she witnessed his red t-shirt aggressively hit the ground, followed by his yellow undershirt.

Granted, Amy Farrah Fowler was a red-blooded woman and the unexpected spectacle of her man's pasty, but surprisingly toned biceps undeniably made her blush from head to toe. However, his harried insistence only fed Amy's nagging logic that neither lust nor love was spurring Sheldon on, noting that the expression on her would-be lover's face was not one of delighted eagerness, but rushed determination.

Amy questioned herself in that moment, taking notice how the butterflies that fluttered about her insides where agitating her. She also realized her first natural instinct was to stall him. "Aren't you going to hang those up?" She asked uneasily. "I have room in my closet."

Sheldon was in the midst of hastily wrestling with the zipper of his slacks when he stopped to process her question, "No time—we have to strike while the iron is hot." He punctuated this by allowing his slacks to unceremoniously drop with a soft thud.

Amy's face fell in absolute shock, "Whoa mama!"

Impatiently he urged her on with a literal clap of his hands, "Put some hustle in that bustle Dr. Fowler."

She stood frozen; it wasn't like Sheldon to cut corners. Her skepticism was now completely overshadowed by bafflement, "But what about our agreed upon environmental conditions? Our first time was to include romantic music and pre-approved lighting."

"Just forget all that." He snapped while stepping out of his pants, "We must do this before ... we just have to beat it to the punch, that's all. Then everything will be alright. Trust me; I know what I'm doing."

A deep crease of confusion was now fixed between Amy's brows. "Beat _what _to the …"

Sheldon interrupted Amy but roughly pulling her to him without any warning. His eyes screwed shut; he pressed a hard closed-mouth kiss on half of her mouth. The awkward kiss only became more uncoordinated as Sheldon attempted to maneuver her to lay the bed, tripping over his own long feet in the process. His knee unintentionally knocked into her shin as he attempted to crawl on top of her, causing her to tense in his arms.

He didn't seem to notice.

* * *

><p>Bernadette eyes narrowed behind her eyeglasses, "It looks like Beverly, but it's kind of dark in here so I can't tell for sure. Can you see who she's with?"<p>

Howard was forced to squint. His wife was right, it was difficult to get a clear view and it didn't help any that the various servers and busboys were zooming around the dim restaurant. "Not really. But that can't be Leonard's mother; not in a place like this. I mean, did you see how that woman just tossed back her drink?"

"Yeah, you're probably right." After turning back to their table, the tiny microbiologist took a long sip of her wine, emptying her glass. Without missing a beat, Howard reached towards the chilled bottle of Pinot Gris and refilled her glass.

Bernadette giggled when she noticed how much he was pouring, "Howie, are you trying to get me drunk?"

Feigning a shocked expression, Howard placed the almost empty bottle back into the ice bucket. "Now why would I want that?"

Biting her lip seductively, Bernadette leaned against her husband's shoulder, gripping his skinny thigh under the table. "So you can get me naked later and to do unspeakable things to my body."

Squirming a bit under the unexpected force of her grip, Howard giggled himself. "Oh! You know me too well ... "

"Tell me what you want to do to me." Bernadette suddenly asked, causing her companion to nervously glance around the restaurant in the hopes no one could hear them.

Howard's laughter became strained as she squeezed, her tiny fingers demanding a response, "Here ... _now_?"

"Why not?" She replied casually, "Come on Howie, I thought you wanted me a little loose tonight ..."

It was then Bernadette noticed what was in her husband's hand. The tell-tale light of his IPhone screen was hard to ignore.

And as quickly as her festive mood came, it went. "Howard Joel Wolowitz, are you bidding on eBay while my hand is on your junk?!"

"Technically your hand is on my leghaaaaaahhhhhh! Okay, okay ... _NOW_ your hand is on it. Please let go ... please let go." Howard pleaded. "PLEASE LET GO BEFORE YOU RIP IT OFF!"

* * *

><p>"Shel … Sheldon wait … slow down …" She panted out, unable able to keep up with his hands from one moment to the next. It was almost as if she wasn't even there. Her boyfriend's unexpected affection was unrelenting, bordering on frantic. The faint shadow of his stubble felt startlingly abrasive against her face as he continued to clumsily jab pecks around her mouth and neck.<p>

"I said wait!" She blurted out forcefully, shocking herself as well as Sheldon.

As if bopped on the nose with a rolled up newspaper, the bumbling stud immediately heeded her and pulled back. In nothing but his white briefs, he hovered above his girlfriend like manic puppy waiting to be walked.

Amy took that moment to finally suck in some air, using her free arm to hoist herself upright, it was then she noticed something was missing from the equation. Her eyes moved away from the modest bulge hidden underneath a thin layer of cotton; apparently there was an essential part of the genius's anatomy that didn't quite share his enthusiasm, "Sheldon, I don't understand your sudden desire to move so fast."

Surprisingly he reached for her hand and interlocked their fingers; he held their clasped hands up between them, a strange smile spread across his face. "Look, it's alright. See? I am not afraid."

Unsure of what he was trying to convey, she persisted, "But I thought you needed time to get use to the idea of us making love. Wasn't that the point of the amendment; to ease us in to our physical relationship but outlining required criteria?"

The larger hand intertwined with hers squeezed, "I don't need time Amy—I need to get this done."

His girlfriend remained unconvinced by his argument, "But just two minutes ago I barely touched your lateral arch and now you're ready … for _this_? It doesn't make any sense …" She stopped herself with heavy sigh, removing her hand from his to pull herself out from underneath him. She was grateful for having taken off her eyeglasses earlier or else Sheldon might have embedded them into her skull with the force of his misguided passion. Now with every intention of staying fully dressed, Amy kept an arm's length of distance between them, "Maybe you can do this now Sheldon, but the real question is do you want to? Did you sign that agreement just to show me you could? Do you desire me or are you trying to prove something to yourself?"

"I am proving something to the both of us." He admitted. "You said it yourself; we can do whatever we put our minds to, and I am not a coward, not anymore." Sheldon explained, his pale chest heaving while his meaty bottom lip jutted with a childish pout.

This wasn't what she wanted at all, in fact, it was the opposite. "You don't need to prove anything to me, I thought you knew that …" Amy was tempted to reach out to him, to hold him, but considering the circumstances thought better of it. Instead, she adjusted her blouse which had been untucked and was now slightly twisted around her mid-section. "Sheldon, I love you so much more than you know, and I would be lying if I said I haven't made wish after wish for the day to come when you would finally see me."

It was Sheldon's turn to be confused, "I see you Amy. You're right in front of me, you take up physical space, how could I not?"

Allowing herself to make contact with him again, she gingerly brushed back his tousled hair with her fingers. "No Sheldon. Right now you don't see me. All you see is the finish line and I think it's your fear that is pushing you towards it. We will have our chance, believe me."

Sheldon let out a defensive scoff, "That's just plain idiotic. I have repeatedly told you that I am not scared. Now would you kindly stop touching me so we can get back to the sex?"

* * *

><p>Oswald was worried, wondering if his companion's dinner would be entirely made of tequila. "I don't understand what you're saying. What do you mean?"<p>

The middle-aged woman impatiently rapped her nails on the table after polishing off another shot of Patron. "It's hardly complicated. I said I want to hire you."

His gaze cautiously darted around the room, "Jesus Beverly, how many of those have you had?" Dropping his volume so they wouldn't be overheard Oswald leaned in towards her. "You've already hired me. I'm here, aren't? Ready to be or do whatever it is you want."

Oswald's eyes then widened with a mix of concern and surprise as Beverly let out a bawdy laugh. "How utterly amusing! You thought I was paying you to satiate my desires?!"

"Lower your voice!" The escort ordered in harsh whisper. "Do you want the whole place to hear you?"

Her laughter now dwindling down to a muffled chortle, Beverly poured herself another round. "I assure you that I am quite capable of taking care of myself in that department, and I certainly don't require a rented penis for the occasion."

Oswald's lips started to tingle. He didn't know why but Tequila always did that to him. He licked them several times in a effort to ease the stinging, but it didn't help. "So what's the gag? Why am I here at quadruple the rate if not to eventually make good on it?"

Beverly's response was to toss back another shot. This time her lips curled into a Cheshire-like smile once she emptied the glass. "Don't worry your pretty head about it my little professional. You _will_ make good on it."

The uncomfortable stinging continued. Oswald quickly reached for a glass of water and drained it in seconds for some relief, already knowing he would detest whatever answer she provided. "And how am I going to do that?" He asked with a note of trepidation.

Folding her arms around herself, she surveyed him. "I assume that someone in your field is familiar with the concept of the girlfriend experience?"

Stone-faced and leery, Oswald simply nodded.

Beverly's normally sharp stare had turned glassy and unfocused, "So it stands to reason that such a thing exists as the boyfriend experience?"

* * *

><p>Finally releasing him from her vengeful grasp, a pained look took over Bernadette's features. "I can't believe you Howard. You knew how I've been looking forward to tonight. But you'd rather spend your time shopping for crappy toys then spend it time with me, is that it?"<p>

Howard quickly shoved the phone into his jacket pocket, "No, no ... sweetheart, I am so sorry. I love spending time with you and I wanted tonight to be special too ... but with these auctions you have to be fast or else ..."

"Save it Howard." She cut him off with a toss of her napkin onto the table before standing, somewhat unsteadily after a couple of glasses of wine. "I'm going home, and you can find somewhere else to sleep tonight."

* * *

><p>Amy shook her head and tried to wrap all of her love for Sheldon and her lifetime's worth of intelligence around this unnerving situation. "But can't you see? You are hurtling towards this as if you don't want to be caught in the act, as if you have to beat the clock or else you'll be punished from some unknown force, and from my viewpoint that isn't very flattering."<p>

"That is preposterous. I am half naked on your bed and willing to crawl all over you like a fly on a dung heap!" Rolling his eyes derisively, he added, "If that isn't flattery, I don't know what is."

Amy grimaced before shaking off the momentary resentment of being compared to a pile of manure, "Sheldon, I am going to say something that may upset you. So I will ask you to please, just sit there and listen to me—calmly."

After a moment of deliberation, Sheldon sat back on his heels, haughtily crossing his bare arms. "You have my full attention."

"Well, that's part of it—clearly I don't." Amy said matter-of-factly. "You are putting so much pressure on yourself and penile erection is the product of a complex interaction of psychological, neural, vascular and endocrine factors. I think your body knows this isn't the right time."

Sheldon instantly brought his arms down, folding his hands over his slumbering package. His face bloomed pink with embarrassment. "My limbic system would have caught on eventually, and it wouldn't hurt if you would quit calling me a scaredy cat."

In a huff, Amy shot up from the bed, "I never called you a scaredy cat!" When she saw Sheldon's eyes widen in surprise at her reaction, she stopped herself with a deep breath, "I can't believe I am actually saying this, but if we attempt to make love right now we will regret it, and frankly I couldn't deal with it if you regretted it. Do you understand how that would break my heart?"

Sheldon endeavored to interject, but she quickly continued, "And announcing that you're ready does not mean that you are. The absolute truth of the matter is I am not ready, especially if these are the conditions are you offering me. I deserve to feel safe, loved and lusted after, and I want you to feel the same. I will try to help you come to terms with whatever internal dilemma you are facing, but until that happens, I must emphatically say no to your offer of sex. I do want you Sheldon, but not like this. I will not be rushed."

A harsh laugh erupted out of Sheldon as he stood up to face her. "_You_ will not be rushed?! Isn't this what you've been hounding me about since the moment we altered the paradigm of our relationship?"

Shaken by his coarseness Amy glared up at him, now completely immune to his partial nudity, "_Hounded_? I never once hounded you. I have been beyond patient with you and your ever-growing list of rules."

"Do you mean the rules that I continue to break to appease you?" He spat back, his cheeks had graduated from pink and were now burning red, "You've been practically throwing yourself at me from the day we met. You attack me in the backseat of your car, then you tackle me last night in my room, and just a few hours ago you dropped your backside onto my lap like a saloon girl! And now you have the audacity, after poking the sleeping bear, to take the moral high ground? Well, all I can say is it's a little too late to play Sandy when you've been willing to give it away like Rizzo."

Amy's lips tightened as she attempted to keep furious tears trapped behind her eyes. Normally, Sheldon's laments were tolerable, and in a few instances adorable. But this was certainly not one of these instances. She had done right by him, as she often had, and was being rewarded with disparagement.

Confused and irate, Sheldon turned away from her to pick his shirts off the floor, muttering loudly, "I'd most likely be closer to my noble prize had you never come into my life and distracted me with your feminine trickery. I was fine the way I was before you came along Amy Farrah Fowler. I was just peachy. And I could have gone the rest of my life never knowing what it feels like to be in love. Does no one realize what I have put myself through in the name of love?"

Angrily shaking out his pants, he continued, "It would seem my efforts were in vain. This only proves what I've suspected all along and now I'm no better than Leonard chasing after Penny. This love stuff is for suckers."

"Get out." Amy suddenly commanded. "Get out right now."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Reviews welcomed. 39 in progress. LLTS!<strong>_


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